The Unreal Time of Rıza, Melih, Mustafa and Assiya

It was as if I had just stepped out of a void. An emptiness that

never existed before... I was afraid of losing my consciousness.

Thousands of words had been gathered in my head, and all those

words were as if they had been spoken to me. If I had known what it

was like to be crazy earlier, I would have declared myself insane at

that moment. It left a huge question mark in my head about what I was

to me. The fact that I thought and tried to be active and passive and

my efforts were fruitless was the proof of my limitedness. At that

moment, my thought took me in a different direction. I just started to

say. I wonder if mathematics, history, geography, art; what I know and

what I don't know, was all this information in place?

At what latitude and longitude, in which hemisphere; in which

city and town; my door number; the woman I love; my fears; what I

lost; what I hate; what I want to have; the color of my hair; my

capacity to think; I started thinking about my worldview and who I

am. Were they all in place? Where was I in all this? What is it that

makes me me? Am I now in the Real Unreal Time I am in, or am I

still wandering through the Whole of Times? Just to be sure, I

immediately drew my attention around.

The sun had reached or passed the angle of one hundred and

sixty-five degrees. Since it was past five o'clock, he was probably

around. After a while, I regained my consciousness. I felt that I

belonged to this Time of Untruth I have been in since eternity. Perhaps

I had arrived at another Untruthful Real time, and I did not know what

kind of decision had brought me into this time.

It was starting to cool down. People and animals were slowly

starting to come out. The stray dogs scoured the garbage, taking what

was their share and dividing the rest among themselves. The trees

were in their prime. While everyone was rushing to reach somewhere,

I kept my eyes on human images and I was looking for my Asiya in

those images. I was looking for how long have I known Assiya? Even though I didn't know the answer to this question, I was still gliding

into the crowds without getting tired of it, hoping that maybe I would

see my Asiya in the image of one of them. I wasn't going to stop going

on like this until I found him. While I was getting lost in the crowds

and looking for my Asiya, Rıza was waiting in front of the exit door

of the building where he was working and watching the passers-by

carefully. At the same time, he was tapping his right foot on the

ground slowly and nervously as he watched. Then he started to do this

movement on top of each other quickly. Since the place where he

danced was the stones laid on the ground, a musical rhythm was

spreading when Rıza's foot tapped everywhere. His heart, immersed in

that rhythm, sometimes felt as if it would jump out of place. At that

moment, an unexpected hand touched his shoulder softly and tenderly

from behind, and he immediately withdrew. 

"Rıza, are you still here? Didn't you go? Why are you waiting

here?" He started asking questions over and over.

Riza took a step back and immediately turned around. As soon as

he turned, his whole body began to tremble. He was trying to stop it;

but he couldn't stop. He was like a driver who lost control of the

steering wheel. He didn't know what to answer at that moment. He

quickly began to search for an answer in his head to the question that

came out of time. Fortunately, he was able to find an answer.

"I was waiting for you," he wanted to say; but he didn't say.

Instead of:

"Well… I was going to go, of course I missed the bus," he said

Rina, it's good, we walk together until the stop. "We're already

sick of sitting on those chairs from morning to night," he said. After

saying that, Riza just nodded, looking at Rina's face as an indication

that she was right. He didn't just shake his head; At that moment, he

was also screaming for joy. Inside: "At least he will walk with me to

the station. Moreover, hearing this from him is an indescribable

happiness. This happiness is a happiness that will bring pain, I know

that too; but still worth living." He was walking and still talking to

himself.

All of a sudden, Rıza's mind started to produce different

questions.

Or! Does he have feelings for me too? Don't be silly, didn't you

see your face in the mirror in the morning? Who's going to like ugly

like you. To like… What to like. What people like, they like beautiful

things. I am an ugly creature. Does he like my ugly face? Maybe God

created me so that people could learn from me. So that they can look

at me and thank themselves. I am an example sent to this world, he

said, and continued to ask himself questions.

Or does Rina pity me? Does she pity me because she knows I'm

in love with her and doesn't want me to be upset? Of course it hurts,

what else could it be? You expect him to fall in love with you, ugly

thing?

He walked headlong, not caring where his steps took him. His

feet go into small cavities in the sidewalks; He stumbled and

continued, again keeping his balance. Sometimes, because what he

thought was causing him pain, he took quick steps in front of Rina, cut

his pace with Rina's warning: "Do not walk fast" and waited for Rina

to catch up with him again. It was becoming unbearable for Rina to

continue these movements over and over. Rina looked tired of

constantly giving Riza commands similar to those a commander

repeatedly gave to recruits.

After a while, Rıza's absentmindedness made Rina think that she

had left the borders of the time she was in and went to other places

spiritually, under the influence of possible problems.

What's wrong Riza? Why are you silent? Besides, you don't look

good. Since we walked, you haven't opened your mouth and said a

word. Besides, you're leaving me and taking your head off. So if I

don't yell after you, you'll just forget about me and leave. Why are you

so pensive? Is there any problem?

Rıza shook his head: "No, what a problem. I'm fine, there's no

problem either." He replied and continued to talk to himself in his

inner world again.

oh ah! Isn't it? The problem is mine. The problem is my ugliness.

Is there a bigger problem than that? You are a gift sent to people on

earth; but not for ugly ones like me

Before long, Riza was startled by another question from Rina.

Then what's wrong Riza?

"I'm fine, I'm just tired of working hard today, that's all," he said.