3 Chapter 3
1 . A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say " nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge!
2. A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on l-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, wV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."
3. An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke? The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. "Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke? The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if l'm gonna have to explain it five times .
4. A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf: Well, in that case, rl just look the other way said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom? Well, now they know you're one of us, said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?
5. An American soldier , serving in World War 11 , had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines . He had finally been granted R & R and was on a train bound for London . The train was very crowded , so the soldier walked the length of the train , looking for an empty seat . The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog . The war weary soldier asked , " Please , ma'am , may I sit in that seat ? " The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier , sniffed and said , " You Americans . You are such a rude class of people . Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat ? " The soldier walked away , determined to find a place to rest , but after another trip down to the end of the train , found himself again facing the woman with the dog . Again he asked , " Please , lady , May I sit there ? I'm very tired . " The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted , " You Americans ! Not only are you rude , you are also arrogant . Imagine ! " The soldier didn't say anything else ; he leaned over , picked up the little dog , tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat . The woman shrieked and railed , and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier . An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up .
" You know , sit , you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing . You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand .
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road . And now , sir , you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window ".
6. A Husband comes home drunk, vomits and falls down on the floor.
His Wife gets him up and cleans everything. Next day when he gets up he expects her to be really angry with him. He braces for a fight, but finds a note near the table. "Honey, your favorite breakfast is ready on the table, I had to leave early to buy groceries.
I'll come running back to you, my love. I love you. Surprised, he asks his son, "What happened last night?" The Son replies, "When mom got you up to bed and tried removing your boots and shirt.
You were dead drunk and you said, "Hey Lady! Leave Me Alone. Il'm Married!!"
7. A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother.
8. A woman needed to buy her mother a birthday present. She didn't know what to buy her mother.
She only had one day to buy her mother something. So she went out window shopping Soon enough, she walked by a pet store window.
She thought to herself, "Whaf a lovely idea for a present! My mother is so lonely and she needs a pet." The woman went into the store and saw many wonderful animals.
Puppy dogs, fluffy cats, gold fish, cute mice. But the woman didn't think these were special enough. She asked the manager if he had a pet that was really special.
The manager thought for a moment and replied, "Yes, but it costs a lot of money. $5,000 "I have a parrot that can speak 7 languages, Chinese, English, French, Korean, German, Russian and even Hindil" The woman said, "Perfect" and bought the bird.
She sent it by special delivery to her mother, so she would get it the next day. The next evening after work, the woman called her mother. She asked, "How do you Tike your birthday present." Her mother replied, "Thank you, IT'S DELICIOUS!"
