1 chapter 1
1. A police officer seems a man driving around with a pick up truck full of penguins .He pulls the guy and say "You can't drive around the penguins in the town! take them to the zoo immediately". The guy says ok , and drives away . The next day , the officer sees the guy still around with the truck full of penguins, they're all wearing sun glasses .He pulls guy over the demand."I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies ."I did today I'm taking to them to the beach.
2. Polly's is six years old, Her mother said , "Polly you Grandmother is going to come and stay with us for next week".
Polly's grandmother arrived by air , and Polly and her mother went to airport to and meet her . Polly's grandmother bought her some presents and took her to cinema.
Polly's mother said, "Your grandmother's going back house tomorrow , Polly". Polly was sad , because her loved her grandmother.
Polly and her mother went to airport again. Her grandmother went to aeroplane , and Polly began to cry . She said to her mother ,"why does granny live in the sky and not like everybody else?"
3. Mrs Davis was a teacher . Her house was not far from her school, and she always walked in the morning . All the pupils in the school were very young . Mrs Davis walked to school and very cold and windy morning in October , and the cold went into her eyes , and big tears began to running out of them . She reached the school, opened the door and went into the hall. It was nice and warm there, and Mrs Davis was happy. But then a small boy looked al her for a few seconds, put his arm round her and said kindly, "Don't cry, miss. School isn't very bad."
4. A woman was flying from settlement to San Francisco. Unexpectedly the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.
The flight attendant that they would be a delay, and if the passengers want to get off the aircraft the plane would re- board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except lady who was blind .
A man has notice her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guided dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front thought the entire flight... He could also she had flown this very flight because the pilot approached her , said "Kathy we are in Sacramento for all most an hour you would like to get of off and stretch your legs?
5. "There is nine years old king sitting in his desk and all of his sudden , there is a puddle between his feet and front of his pant are wet.
He thinks his his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly how this had happened . It's never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it.
When the girls found out, there'll never speak to him again as long as he lives. The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer , "Dear God, this emergency ! I need help now ! Five minutes for I'm dead meat .
6.We'll begin with box; the plural is boxes, But the plural of ox is oxen, not oxes. One fowl is a goose, and two are called geese, Yet the plural of moose is never called meese. You may find a lone mouse or a house full of mice; But the plural of house is houses, not hice. The plural of man is always men, But the plural of pan is never pen. If I speak of a foot, and you show me two feet, And I give you a book, would a pair be a beek? If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, Why shouldn't two booths be called beeth? If the singular's this and the plural is these, Should the plural of kiss be ever called keese? We speak of a brother and also of brethren, But though we say mother, we never say methren. Then the masculine pronouns are he, his, and him; But imagine the feminine... she, shis, and shimn!
7. A father put his three-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her say her prayers, which she ended by saying "God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa ".
Father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, daddy. It just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"My gosh," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home, his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it. I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This moming the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
8. Miss Evans lived in a big city, and she had a very clever dog. She sent it to a good school in the country. After a few months it came back for the summer holidays, and Miss Evans said to it, "What did you study at your school? "We studied English, arithmetic, history and foreign languages," the said, "and we played football. "
"And were you a good pupil?" Miss Evans asked. "I wasn't very good at arithmetic and history" the dog said, "but I was good at foreign languages and football."
"That's good," Miss Evans said . "Now please say something to me in a foreign language." The dog said, "Meow, meowl"
9. Bill and Ben wiere drunk. They got on to a bus, and Bill said, "I'm going to buy the tickets, " but Ben said, "Ne, I'm going to buy them." He pushed Bill into a seat.
There was another man near the back of the bus. His clothes were blue. Ben went to him and said, "Twe tickets to Gosport Bridge, please."
But the man did not take Ben's money. He said to him angrily, "Don't give that to me. I'm a naval officer."
Ben looked at the man for a few seconds and then shouted rintas to his friend, "Come here, Bill We're going to get out of herel We've made a mistake! This isn't a bus. It's a ship!"
10. Linda Robinson was very thirsty so she went into a cafe. There was an old woman in the cafe. She was sitting near the door at a table. At her feet, under the table, there was a small dog.
Linda bought a glass of lemonade and some cookies. She sat down at the table next to the old woman. The old woman sat quietly. She looked lonely. Linda decided to be kind and talk to the old woman. "It is very hot today." she said. "Yes, but it is nice inside here." replied the old woman.
Linda looked at the dog and asked, "Does your dog like people." The woman answered, "Ohl Yes! She loves people." Linda wanted to give the dog a cookie.
So she asked, " Does your dog like cookies? "They are his favourite food." said the old lady. Linda was terribly afraid of dogs so she asked, "Does your dog bite?" The old woman smiled and said, " NO! My dog is very tame. She is even afraid of cats!" Linda took a cookie in her hand and reached under the table. She put it near the dog's mouth. But the dog didn't bite the cookie, she bit her hand! Linda jumped up, spilling her lemonade. She screamed, "I thought you said, your dog didn't bite." The old woman looked at Linda and then at the dog. Then she said, "THAT'S NOT MY DOGI"
11. "Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth. "Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?" How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart? Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself. People, hear me. There was nothing i could do.
As impressive as l am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through the door, However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound.
I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip.
Ok, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something? sort of way More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am Iin hell?" sort of way Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I sereamed (yes, I literally screamed it like i was in a horror movie). "What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out. "I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK ITI "What's going on?" Rob yells back to me, "Why are you." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE ITI" he screamed. "Roll down the windows!" Ast screamed, the toats started to flood out uncontrollably.
Scratched and clawed at the window like i was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud are panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire. Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We bath gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, vet happy to be alive, then remembered i just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead. We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way. He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, the shoes!" and ran in to my apartment like was running from the cops .
12. After a feast, two cats see a piece of cake and start fighting for it. A monkey sees this as an opportunity for gain and offers to help them. The monkey divides the cake into two parts but shakes its head saying they are unequal. He takes a bite of one piece and then the other, but still finds them unequal. He continues doing so until there is no more cake left, leaving the poor little cats disappointed.
