15: Igor 03

"Hello listeners, whether you're in your car driving to work or you're making breakfast for your family, 96.3 The Hits! has got you covered. Coming up next is Tyler the Creator's song–– I think–– off his album Igor, returning to the top 5 on the charts over 2 years after release!"

"I love this song!"

I started dancing around the kitchen and singing the lyrics. I'm so happy right now.

"You don't deserve it."

"Not this guy again. Okay "me" what do you want?"

"I want you… to come to terms with reality. You keep denying your truth."

"What does that even mean?"

"You refuse to acknowledge me. Think to yourself. Why do you think I've reformed after all of those years of being dormant?"

"Is it… love?"

"That's part of it. But love for who?"

"What do you mean who? Who do you even think I'm in love with?"

"I don't think you're in love with her. I think that you're unable to love this new girl because you're still stuck on her"

"Carly…"

* * *

BEEP BEEP!

I locked the car and walked up to her door.

KNOCK KNOCK!

I heard someone rush to the door. It was Carly. She looked like she had been asleep all morning because her hair was messy and she was still in pajamas. She slammed the door, disappeared for a few moments and then came back with brushed hair and day clothes.

"Hello Carly."

"C'mon Nate, don't be so formal with me."

"Sorry. Can I come in?"

"Of course. Do you want coffee? I've got some water boiling."

"Yeah, uhh 2 sugars and creams."

"Got it, that'll be a few minutes. The living room is a little dirty, let's use the kitchen."

I followed Carly in and sat at the table. I felt the air thickening as I waited for her to finish brewing my cup. The way she poured the water in beans in a circular motion rather than just going completely central reminded me of a coffee shop.

I couldn't stop thinking about what he said. What did he mean? "You're unable to love" Come on. And why does he think it's connected to Carly? I mean sure I still hold some resentment for her but I hold no love for her. I mean, I even rejected her last month. I've been spending most of my time with Emma since then. It's been about a month since we all went to Six flags and summer has left and fall has come. Along with spending most of my time with Emma, I've spent a lot of time with Hailey. She seems to really enjoy my company–– at least I think she does. She's nowhere near as awkward as she was on the first day of school. She's even hung out with me a few times in private. We went to an arcade and we also went to the bookstore. She recommends a lot of books to read and around the end of the week I finish all of them. I've been reading at least 4 books a week since I've met her. She's really kind though. When we aren't with Emma she talks a lot and she acts a lot more girly. I'm supposed to actually go to her house today because it's Saturday and this is when I usually report to her about each book. I was thinking about maybe asking Hailey if I can bring Emma along because I feel like she might be getting a little lonely.

That's not of importance right now though. What's important is clearing the air right here and now.

"Hey Carly."

"Yeah Nate?"

"Can I tell you… about everything that has happened? Everything since the day you left me at the lake."

And so I did. I told her about how I felt. And how I hurt. And how for years I'd been afraid of love. And how for years I hated her. I told her about Emma. And Hailey. And finally, I told her how I think I like a girl.

"Well… now that you know…"

"Nate. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that back then…"

"I don't blame you… you were right. I wasn't in love."

"But even then… Nate… I mean, that's great right? This Emma girl. She must be some real gem if she could break your fear?"

"Yeah… she really is something."

"I'm happy for you Nate."

"Carly…"

"…"

"Please let me love again!"

"W-What?"

"I was thinking and the only way I can move on is if you let me. So please!"

"Nate…"

"Yes?"

"Nate, no one can make or allow you to move on. That's a responsibility that's left entirely on you."

"What do you mean?"

"Nate, in this world there are 2 kinds of people. There are people who make change, and people who let others change for them. You cannot be the latter. No matter what! Nate, you need to make your own change. No matter how much blessing I give you, you won't be able to move on until you talk to yourself and move on inside."

"But… I need to… I can't do this on my own. I–– He doesn't listen to me!"

"Nate. I do listen. Ask yourself this. I've been here for years. Since you were a child. And yet the only time I've actually talked to you has been now. Do you know why that is? Because we are one. I'm no longer a thought in the back of your head. I am part of you. I have no choice but to listen. So grow the fuck up and talk."

I… but… "Thank you Carly."

"You look like you've come to an answer."

"Yes, I have. Farewell Carly."

"Goodbye Nate."

I left the house. On the other side of the wall I didn't know, but Carly was on the floor crying.

"Seriously… What's with him? He's so… different. You're no longer a kid Nate. You're becoming a man. You've got to keep going. If you can't run, walk, if you can't walk, crawl, If you can't crawl roll. But never stop going. I want to see you happy one day. So come back when that happens, okay? So long Nick…"

As I walked away from the house I felt a strong gust of wind. An air of finality blew through the air with the autumn cold slowly coming in, and I was going to ride it through to the end. I was going to talk to myself.

"Thank you Carly."

* * *

"Hey Nick!"

"So you finally want to acknowledge me?"

"Yes. I can see you now. You don't look like me. Not how I look now."

"Heh. So you've found out…"

"Yes, I know you're just a child"

"Nate. You cannot keep denying what I have told you."

"And what would that be?"

"You know you're lonely. You know you are not good enough. You're weak."

"Do you really think that Nick?"

"Yes. You've never shown any strength. Remember when you locked yourself away after getting embarrassed. Or when Carly rejected you and you got so depressed you had to see a doctor for antidepressants? It was your fault. The same way you killed your father, you kill everyone around you."

"Nick, do you not think that maybe you just want to blame me so you can run from the truth. You always tell me to accept reality but you are not even real. You say I am running, but you are a child. You don't really think about these things, you think that they will stop me. You just want me to die."

"I am a child? No Nate. You are a child. You haven't gotten there yet. You think you've grown up just because you can smile now? You think that just because you stand there smugly looking down at me you are superior to me?"

He's right. I did think that. But I didn't just think I was better than him. I knew I was. Because I'm here. If I listened to him, that 10 year old boy. I would've died a long time ago.

"Nick. Look at me."

"Why? Why are you smiling!"

"Nick, you don't have to be sad anymore."

"I'm not sad! You are!"

"It's okay."

I grabbed him and held him in my arms.

"It's okay Nick."

I thought to myself about him. A scared, lonely child. As he stood there, he was shaking. After all these years, in my mind I truly hadn't changed at all. I was still the shaking crying child, afraid of my dad and afraid of disappointing him. Striving for perfection, always being a mark off. Always thinking about how everyone was superior to me. Thinking about how I didn't measure up to the rest of the kids. How I never got a 100%. How I never made him proud.

I've never forgiven myself for telling my dad to die. No matter how cruel he was to me, he didn't deserve those words from his son. He deserved a lot of bad things, but not to be cursed to death by his own flesh and blood. But even then… even if he didn't deserve it… I don't regret it. I said my mind, and if that hurt him, that's too bad. He hurt me much more than he could ever imagine.

"I understand why you are hurt Nick, but you've got to keep going."

"No… this is the end of the road for me Nate. I'm already starting to fade. You have grown up."

I let go of Nick and looked at him as his color started to change. He was no longer soaked in red. His shirt faded to pink and the red from his skin dissolved to a white. The particles of the red flowed through the air and I saw a tree in the distance. It was a cherry blossom tree. The pink leaves glowed as they flew off in the air with the particles of red. They were swept away with the wind and taken away.

Now, I was left alone with myself. A mind in the calm of emotion. I no longer was soaked in hatred. I looked at Nick.

"Nick…"

He stood up and walked underneath the tree. The black abyss of a sky turned into a sunset.

"This is goodbye Nate. Thank you for saving me."

"I didn't save you. I was saving myself."

I looked at him as the air picked up and he blew away with the wind.

It really was such a beautiful sight.

God I wish y'coulda seen it,

Nick.