Convinced **** Chapter Sixty

All I knew was to strike and kill, shit I was like a mother protecting her cubs and if those sons of bitches had taken my children I would find them and kill them one by one, I am what the fuck they say I am. My aggression had become uncontrolled, maybe it wasn't capable of being regulated. I would attack those muthafuckas like an angry dog, and they would not die quick. Twan had never mentioned Trent being a police, how could he not have known? If they wanted to see a full fledged killer then so be it. How could I have been so stupid? I began to recollect everyone I had recently encountered, I hadn't known whether to stay in the home or leave. I had the urge to kill and I hungered physically enough to eat my prey. I had decided to not communicate with Trent, and just had to trust him I guess, I didn't have a choice. I had to leave, I could not accomplish anything inside of the home, but my feet were so swollen. When Mya called I knew she was my only hope. I answered, and something hadn't sounded right with the way she spoke, her tone was too even. Also, it was quiet, unlike the normal mood of her mother's home. No music no television, just--- quiet. I used my better judgement and said at the casino. She asked which one, without explaining why she wanted to know. I'd told her one across the river, she said she would pick me up. I agreed. I thought back to what Trent had said about calling at 2, and decided if he sounded suspicious in any kind of way I would discard the phone. I had killed so many people, even ones I hadn't remembered killing. If I was a target I was dealing with a group of dirty cops and the night we were arrested hadn't made sense, where was the warrant?

"Handcuff her, radio and tell them she's in route." I immediately called the damn courthouse to see how I could get the warrant from the arrest, the clerk said she could not locate one or a docket number unless it was exempt. Why was it not a record of the arrest on file? I knew they had said the paperwork had been destroyed, but there had to be a record somewhere. I called the attorney that represented me, "Oh, the Jermaine Hathaway case, I remember, it was a mess." he said. I asked if he had any case files, he said only from the disposition and a few of my letters. I knew Redd had given them the coded letters but how had they been beneficial to the case? He had sent me the first letters in code, I only sequenced them and figured it out! Terrell had taught him and told him to never teach anyone else, but he needed a way to communicate, I was sure the letters he had written back then said nothing! Terrell was brilliant minded, I had known that, I often wondered how he had even been able to construct a method of communication, a sequential structure that was composed to correspond with another human being.

Trenton would tell me Freud only had capabilities to diagnose others because he experienced the same dilemmas as the mentally challenged had, his addictive nature had been predisposed, the Temporal lobe controlled functions vital to the task of reasoning. He considered it to be an anomaly, and said that brain overloads will generate aggression due imbalanced reasoning. He had told me once if the doctors stopped looking at my charts and diagnosed me from scratch they would see my seizures occurred in my temporal lobe, and not my frontal lobe which they had suspected. The misdiagnosis would only make the condition worse, and the aggression would increase, they were treating me wrong. I hadn't asked how he had known, I had had plenty doctors tell me the same shit since I was a child, I thought he was just talking as usual and dismissed his discussion politely. He would smoke weed and become Einstein, "Freud was an 11 too hun, don't think Im just talking." It was strange I could remember what happened months ago but not what happened the day before, my short term memory was fucked up and either way either lobe, I was about to kill some niggas.

No matter how much I defended my pediatricians and said they had diagnosed me correctly he thought otherwise. "The seizures aren't seizures, but a disturbance in your sensory system that causes u to have the traumatic---pause in time. U know, u should sue...its makes u aggressive. Oh and Haze, seizures don't occur when u are under traumatic stress, sensory overloads do. U could kill someone and not even know it.

"Wow, what meds do they prescribe for that?" I asked playfully but not buying that bullshit, he wasn't a doctor and I knew every muthafucka I had knocked off, didn't I? Besides how the fuck did he know??!!! "Nothing, only love cures u, the same thing that caused it, the lack of---"

He became too philosophical at times and I sort of missed it. The attorney said if he could find anything else relating to the case he would let me know, I gave him the number. Also he said Judge Rogers and the D.A. both were deceased so he knew what he could get was limited.

As I sat against the wall on a homemade pillow a loud knock came to the door, my breath got trapped in my throat, I damn near tasted my heartbeat and was afraid to move. I slowly got up and started to walk down the hallway, I hadn't wanted my presence to be felt so I slid off the tennis shoes. I could see shadows, three of them. I looked at the door knob to see if it was locked, it wasn't! How the fuck could I have left it unlocked? My bladder became heavy, and my mouth was so dry my tongue stuck to the roof. I began to tiptoe on my swollen feet and as if someone could hear me they beat again, this time louder! I looked around for something to fight with, and found nothing. They were coming, I knew they were. I couldn't even end it! They were beating, someone was beating at the garage door as if they had known! Were there cameras? DAMN THE CAMERAS! Where was the monitor, Trent could still see me! He could see everything, he had known I had come home! FUCK! As I tiptoed to the window in the guestroom to look outside my phone rang, FUCK MYA! I paused, the beating began again this time someone said, "MISS HAZEL---" I was about to cuss that nigga out! I walked to the front, snatched open the door and answered the phone at the same time with my mouth fixed to cuss all of them out. They stood puzzled, her mother had come along. "We were worried! I knew u were here! Come on, u can't stay! Trent said---"

I was not about to let them take me to the wolves, I told them I was waiting on my ride. "Who? The lady in the Mercedes?" Mya asked. Christy? I said yes. How the fuck---?

Ok I definitely was not leaving with them, the little bitch knew too much. I would skull drag her in that home and hang her upside down for playing with me. I guess she could tell how I looked I was pissed, "Oh---I mean, I thought u two were together, she had been coming by. Trent hatedher!" Hunh? Oh? Wheeew...but how the fuck did she know that! And where were the police, I knew it was a set up! I would have killed them all if I would have had a gun! "Come on! Let us take u for food! Also Trent wants to talk to u! Come on!" Nope. They hadn't said anything to assure me they were not trying to set me up. I didn't trust none of them.

Mya's phone rang while they tried to convince me to leave, she smiled and said "It's for u," answered without saying anything and gave me the phone. I could hear my children when I put the phone to my ear, I was so tired of being fucking confused! "Is it Hazel?" Ryella asked. I could not fight my tears, I was so relieved. Ryella got her lying ass on the phone, "Ha---I mean Mama, I rode a giraffe and got a unicorn for my birthday!" FUUUCK! I thought I had an imagination. I laughed I would listen to all of her lies. I could not tell the twins apart when they spoke and TJ2 and Deuce were asleep. The conversation with them ended and he told them to go with Kim. WHO THE FUCK WAS KIM!!? See, unh unnnh..."Babe, why did u leave, u can't stay there! I need to talk to u." "WELL TALK!" I was fed the fuck up! "I can't now but I will". The suspense had driven me nuts and he wanted me to let Mya and Yvonne take care of me! He said I should have never left the hospital where I was safe at. I just didn't know and was afraid to let my guards down. I loved that man but didn't know for sure if he loved me, was his job more important? He had given me knowledge, something Redd or Twan had never given me. I mean, in Redd's situation, can't teach a natural born killer how to kill, it's instinct. Trent was making promises about the future, that assured me, sort of. If he had known I would be in prison he would not waste his time I concluded. However, his IQ wasn't to be fucked with. At the same time, how did he regulate aggression? I hadn't wanted to leave with Mya but Vernon talked me into it, he said he would not leave, but sit all night if I didn't. I ended Trent's call and went to Mya's home, first stopping for food. I was tired of being in the dark, my IQ couldn't be too high if I couldn't solve the equation but if it was I soon would, as he relied on me to do, he couldn't talk. His line of work was confidential, I was sort of beginning to figure it all out.