Trouble In Paradise

The Ryans started to argue more. Things were tense for a while. Mr. Ryan was getting mean and short tempered. Mrs. Ryan had to go out of town for work and we were left with him. I went to walk the dog and seen a friend of mine. I texted my foster sister asking her to tell her dad what I was doing and that I was bringing my friend so I didnt walk alone. She didn't. I texted her off a friends phone, mine was confinscated. As soon as I opened the door he came out screaming at me. I informed him I did text his daughter and she came down and confirmed what I said. "I don't give a fuck you are suppose to just walk the fucking dog not be out with some boy!" he spat back at me. He grabbed my arm and I lost it.

My foster brother who was also a foster child came to try to get him off me and Mr. Ryan called him a racial slur and said "I never fucking wanted to have you fucking kids in my fucking house", his words felt like daggers stabbing me in my heart. I messaged Mrs. Ryan about the incident. Her daughter called her and told her everything. I told her I didn't want to be there anymore. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run away. She told me she would figure it out.

Now, I left out the part of this teacher I had in RCH for this reason. She was my favorite teacher. She was a math teacher who was always kind to the residents. I wanted her to be my mentor but she wasnt interested. We didn't become close until I moved with the Ryans. She came every so often to take me out and do things with her and she came to my birthdays each year I was with the Ryans.Anyways, Mrs. Ryan called her and asked if she could take me until she returned. She agreed and came to get me that next morning. That was the first time I went to her home. At first it was awkward then it became my home away from home.

When I returned home Mr. Ryan didnt speak to me. I don't even remember him leaving. Mrs. Ryan said she chose her kids. Around this time I had an abusive boyfriend that I ignored Mrs. Ryan about her wanting me to leave him. I ran away to be with him prior to Mr. and Mrs. Ryans seperation. It was a mess to say the least. Mr. Ryan wanted nothing to do with us foster kids and didn't bother saying hello when he picked up his children. I didn't care. I hated him.

I did break it off with the boyfriend but that was short lived and I kept it a secret. I would say I was going to friends and I was actually seeing him. We were on and off every other week. I ignored the red flags. Our last break up things started looking up. My relationship with Mrs. Ryan was as strong as ever. I felt that everything was finally going well. She started seeing the guy a few blocks over. His kids were my bullies. I never told her because i wanted her happy. I hated his children. They made fun of me for being a foster kid. Spread a rumor about me having AIDS. That school was hell just like the others. His daughter made fun of the way I talked told everyone I had a pretty name but didnt have the face to match. Things I've heard all of my life.

My foster brother who was a junior allowed people to make fun of me. He added fuel to the fire. Told my business about my parents signing their rights over. Told them how I would cry myself to sleep because I recieved the call on our vacation that she was at court and signed the paperwork. He made it worse for me and we'd go home and he'd pretend he gave a shit. I told the entire school how he had different middle schoolers in his room when Mrs. Ryan was at work, it was true but I was the bad guy for saying it. The fucking audacity.

It was close to my 18th birthday and I wanted out. It was one thing but many things that I was over. I no longer felt like this was my home. I no longer felt wanted. Maybe it was all in my head and I know I did a lot to myself to make me feel like that. I tried to push the thoughts of signing myself out in the back of my mind. I didnt think about it until my ex contacted me through facebook. He promised me everything I wanted to hear and I was too stupid to see how dumb this was. I made the choice to pack my things after everyone came to spend my brithday with me and I threw it all out the window and I left. I am an adult now and this is still hard to come to terms with. I hurt so many people this day. I hurt those I loved. I caused the same pain Sadie made me feel.Its too late now but I'm sorry.

After I left I regretted it but it was too late. There was no going back. I wanted to call when he first hit me. I wanted to call when he called me names. I wanted to call when I was walking in the snow barefoot but I made my bed. My math teacher, Mrs. Green, was blocked on facebook. I didnt want to see the disappointment. It took months until she was comfortable enough to see me again. I found out I was pregant three months after I got out of foster care. I didnt tell her. I tried to hide it but she wasnt dumb. She knew. It was not the best situation. We were staying in a run down house and he hated that I left even if it was with her. If I didnt message or answer his calls I would get treated like shit when I'd go back.

She would take me to my appointments and we'd go out to eat. I'd stay the night at her house every chance I got. I felt safe there. I dreaded going back to him but I felt like I deserved what I was going through. I wasnt perfect by any means but I never laid hands on him, not until years later when he'd touch me. I made excuses for his actions for a long time. We were both kids having kids. Wasnt a good combination.

When I found out we had to move out of state I cried. I didnt want to go. I wanted to stay. I had no one in Nevada but I kept it to myself because I didnt want to piss him off. When Mrs. Green found out I was moving I knew she was afraid not just for me but more importantly my baby. It took all the restraint in my body not to beg her to stay with her instead of going with him. I kept a smile on my face and pretended but I was miserable and felt alone.

I don't like talking about anything that relates to him. The past is the past when it comes to him. At the end of the day he is the father of our child. I've come to terms with what happened and he and I spoke about the past and are currently working on co-parenting. That said, we moved back to NY after our child was 3 months. When our son was 6 months when I moved to Niagara Falls next door to my bio mother. A choice I'll regret for the rest of my life.