checkmate 009

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"MISAO... DO YOU REALLY LIKE ME?"

Misao's hand grabbed mine and held on it so tightly my bones could break. "So much. I like you so much."

"B-But we're both guys and we're friends..."

"I'm obviously aware of that..." His determined eyes, yet welling in tears, roamed my face before letting go of my hand. I don't know what kind of face I'm making right now but I felt like I've experienced this before; I've seen that expression on his face from someone else before.

"I thought it'll be fine as long as I show you how I feel about you without holding back. I thought when you agreed that we'll continue being friends that it's okay to think that one day you'll start looking at me in a different way and maybe you'll start liking me too… I'm sorry Toshiro. I selfishly told you I like you without considering your own feelings— if you're still comfortable being with me. In the end, I became greedy and illusioned. To be honest, I don't want to give you up. I like you so much I don't know what to do with this feeling anymore; it's over flowing inside my chest it hurts sometimes…

"Toshiro, you're free to tell me if you're no longer comfortable with my feelings. You don't have to hide and endure it for my sake. You can tell me every day that we're both men and, for you, we're just friends. Maybe, the day will come when I'll finally accept that this is all we'll ever be…"

"And then what?! You'll distance yourself from me? We'll be having our internship soon, we're close to graduation and then what? I won't see you again? I won't hear anything from you again? Even though we're friends?"

Why does it hurt? Just from thinking that I won't be able to see and talk to Misao again, my chest hurts so bad, it's almost too painful to breathe.

"T-Toshiro?! Why are you crying? Have I said anything you didn't like?"

I only realized that tears were streaming down my cheeks when I heard worry in Misao's voice and saw panic on his face.

"You said those words as if you're going to distance yourself from me…" I tried to hold back my sobbing but failed. "A-And I don't want that."

Misao's hand was trembling as he reached out to touch me only to pull it back. "Wait. I didn't mean it like that Toshiro."

"Huh?! What's going on?"

Misao and I turned to the source of the voice at the same time. Fumihiro and the guys already left the pub. I rushed to wipe the tears away while trying to calm myself down. Misao tried to act calmly as well but worry has never left his face even for just a second.

"Nothing…" I bit my lip, hoping no one will probe more, hoping the darkness has hidden my face well.

"Misao, how are you feeling?" Youjin asked as soon as they came near us.

"I'm fine now. I apologize for the commotion I caused earlier."

"You sure you're fine? We were so worried." Keita took a step closer to Misao then gently patted his shoulder.

Misao smiled and made an 'OK' sign with his fingers. "Ah! Here's the money for our bill!" He swiftly pulled out a wallet from his jean's back pocket.

"Don't worry about that Misao. It's my treat." It was Saki-san.

"You're my guest why would I make you pay for our meal?"

Saki-san chuckled. "Just think of it as my gift."

Misao heaved a deep sigh. "Then... thanks, Saki."

"How about let's call it a night now..." Keita chimed in while looking at his wrist watch.

"Shoot! I forgot about the Lab report due tomorrow! I haven't started on it yet." Fumihiro's eyes widen as that realization instantly made him sober. Then he turned to look at me, "Toshiro, are you done with the report?"

I was startled. "O-Of course! Misao already sent the data for that last week."

"Shit! I'm going back first."

"Hey shithead! Let's go together. We're going in the same direction anyways." Eisuke said to Fumihiro before he turned to face Youjin. "Jin, see you tomorrow."

Youjin flashed a big smile at him. "Yep. Take care, Eisuke."

"You too. Shoot me a message when you arrived home."

"Hey! You're not the boyfriend here!" Keita interrupted, pulling Youjin into his arms.

Eisuke made a mocking face to Keita while pointing at him. "Youjin, break up with that guy."

"What did you say?!" Youjin was laughing as he held Keita's arm trying to stop him from charging at Eisuke, who was just smirking at Keita while standing with his hands holding his waist.

Watching them bickering like that, somehow, made me envious.

"Toshiro, looks like you're going home sober tonight. Misao doesn't have to take you back home." Fumihiro patted my back. "See ya."

"Y-Yeah…"

"Hey, Eisuke! Are we leaving now or you're going to keep babbling there?" Fumihiro said then he started walking away.

"Yeah yeah. Misao, Happy Birthday! Bye." Eisuke sprinted towards Fumihiro. "Do you want me to help you with that report?"

I can hear him making fun of Fumihiro as they walk away.

"Shut up. We're in different department!"

After that, Youjin and Keita also left, leaving us three alone. I can't help but feel awkward after that conversation I've had with Misao. I should tell them I'm going home but at the same time I don't want to yet. Unlike before, I didn't got drunk to the point of unconsciousness so Misao doesn't have to take me back home. There's something in my chest that somehow expects him to still do so. I just wanted more time to be with Misao…

But then, there's Saki...

He can't just leave his friend here alone, right?

Misao's deep voice pulled me out from my thoughts, "Saki, you can no longer drive back at this hour. You should just spend the night at my place."

I felt my heart stopped for a moment. Saki-san is going to spend the night at Misao's apartment?

It surprised me when Saki's eyes met mine. They were staring at me softly as if he wanted to see my reaction, as if asking me for permission. For a second, I was confused because, obviously, I don't have that kind of authority.

And he knew it…

"If it's fine with you, Misao." Saki's lips curved in a small smile.

Misao, finally, turned to look at me. "Toshiro are you okay? Should I take you home?"

"Ah..." My mind went blank at this moment. What am I supposed to do? I should tell him I can go home on my own but my words were stuck in my throat. We still have that unfinished conversation from earlier. And also, I don't want this day to end with Misao and I having this awkward feelings with each other. Then suddenly, my mind kept flashing me scenarios of Misao and Saki alone in his room... and I don't like it.

"Uhm… I'm completely sober hehe." I laughed so awkwardly. If I could dig a hole to bury myself, I've already done it.

"Then..." Misao hesitated for a second... "Maybe it's fine even if I don't take you home..."

Aside from being hesitant I could also see, he's a bit disappointed?

Or am I getting ahead of myself?

"I want to stay over too."

Misao was taken a back from what I've just said and, to be honest, I am too. Misao and I stared at each other for god knows how long, both dumbfounded. Those words left my mouth before I could even think about it. For a second, I thought I was happy but at the same time, I was also worried. What a weird combination of emotions.

I guess there's no turning back, "I can't? Will I be disturbing you guys?"

"N-No. I just didn't expect you to say that. I'm actually... happy."

I smiled at him, so big I thought my face will tear apart. "Then, let's go?"

***

AS SOON AS WE ENTERED MISAO'S APARTMENT, I SUDDENLY FELT SELF-CONCSIOUS. His place was not that small, it can accommodate us three, but the air felt heavy. Or was it just me?

Misao lend me a shirt to change into, then quickly I locked myself in the bathroom for who-knows how long trying to calm myself. When I returned to the living room, I found Misao and Saki-san placing the futon* (a soft foldable mattress) on the floor.

Misao looked at me, "Sorry Toshiro. Is it fine if you sleep here with Saki?"

Why with him?

"Y-Yeah. No worries..."

The hell with that 'No worries'? And why did I sound so disappointed?

"Misao became really stingy not letting us sleep with him in his room." Saki-san said mocking Misao. He even pouted as he arranged the pillows on the makeshift bed.

"I already told you. My room is too small for all three of us." Misao answered without raising a look to Saki, he's still busy preparing my bed.

Saki-san made an 'hmpft' sound before turning back to grab something from his bag. "Misao, Miki asked me to give this to you."

Miki?

Misao's stern face suddenly made an expression resulted from many different emotions rushing into him. He's looking at him wide-eyed until he reached out to get the box from Saki's hand. Now, he's staring at the box with loving eyes.

"Go on, open it." Saki-san said in a cheerful, yet gentle voice.

Misao did as he was told. He was really careful as he tore the wrapper from the box and when he finally opened it and saw what was inside, a small affectionate smile formed on his face.

He pulled out a black – with a bit of red paint on some sides — toy car. I scooted closer to Misao to get a good look at his present.

It's an old model car, the kind you see in the old movies. I have no idea what it's called but it looks like a really fancy car.

"Hot wheels?"

"No. It's from Bing. My favorite out of all my collections."

I see... so he collected toy cars too. He must love cars that much, I had no idea. But that loving expression on Misao's face was not caused by the toy car itself, it's the memories it came along with –his cordial past I had no single idea about. The period in his life where I was not a part of.

"Miki wanted to tell you herself a 'Happy Birthday'," Saki-san said with a smile but then in an instant it was gone. "Actually, she wanted to come with me today but your father came back from his business trip today that's why… you know."

Just like Saki, that soft expression on Misao's face vanished as if he heard a bad omen. "That's better than giving that person an idea where he would find me."

I want to ask about it – what makes him hate his dad that much and what exactly happened in his past— but I feel like I'll be invading if I do. We've been friends for years but he never said anything about his family or even a bit of his past.

He doesn't want us to know? Or, maybe, he doesn't trust me enough to tell me about it?

And then I was suddenly reminded of what he said earlier, 'I only wanted to show you my cool sides… But tonight I showed you this lame me instead. Sorry…'

Does he consider his past also one his 'lame side'? But I want to know. I want to know everything about Misao. I want him to rely on me and believe in me.

"We should all take a rest." Misao said as he stood up then he turned to face me. "Call me if you need anything, okay?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Thanks Misao."

A hint of smile flashed on his face as he reached for my head, ruffling my hair. "Good night, Toshiro."

My cheeks instantly became warm. "Good night, Misao."

"Hello? I'm still here, guys. Where's my good night?" Saki-san looked at us with his right brow slightly raised, as well as one corner of his mouth in sheer fascination.

"Okay. Okay. Good night Saki." Misao said in a monotone before he entered his room.

***

I CAN'T SLEEP.

I don't know why I'm feeling awkward in this situation – sleeping beside Saki-san, even though he seems fast asleep already. I kept turning and rolling on my futon trying to find a comfortable position with the hopes of eventually falling asleep. My thoughts and questions about Misao were keeping me awake. Before I knew it, I was already creating scenarios in my head where Misao tells me his past, things about himself.

"Can't sleep, Toshiro?"

To my surprise, I immediately turned to look at Saki-san. He was facing away from me and I thought he was already sleeping. Then he slowly shifted, lying on his back. His gaze fixated on the ceiling in which I followed, but there was nothing there, only darkness.

"You must be wondering about my relationship with Misao..." He continued.

"Huh? N-not really…" I'm grateful for the darkness, I might have been making a weird face.

He chuckled, "The truth is, we dated when we were in highschool. We used to be classmates until my family bloody sent me to UK."

"You mean… You and Misao used to be lovers? But you said… you guys were best friends?"

How can he say that so easily to me? No. What made him tell me about that?

"Well, yeah. We were best friends at first. We lived in the same area and our fathers were business partners. We realized our feelings for each other when we were in our last year in high school. It was a short relationship, we were easily found out by our fathers. As a result, they forced to break us apart by sending me abroad and cutting off our means of communication. It was a hundred times harder for Misao... he endured everything alone. I can only imagine all the pain he's been through. Until now, I'm mad at myself for not being by his side when he needed me the most."

I was intently looking at one side of his face, my eyes had finally adjusted from the darkness, when I saw the corner of his mouth curved up in a gentle smile, "But I'm glad to see that he's doing well now... I'm even more relieved to see him in love again..."

I held my breath.

He turned his body to face me, his eyes meeting mine. "I could see that he really likes you, Toshiro. But I don't think you're dating yet."

Yet?

"Do you want to get back together with Misao?" The words escaped my mouth so freely as if it's the next natural thing to ask.

"Hmm? What do you think?" He gave me a cunning smile.

"I think you still like Misao."

He turned again, back to his initial position, facing away from me. "Of course, I like Misao. But what I feel is not the issue here... What's important is how you feel about him?"

"Misao is my friend. I-I want to treasure him... as that."

"That's how I lost him..." He spoke again this time with a threatening voice, "Would you just let Misao walk out from your life?"

"No. I wouldn't like that..."

"I want Misao to choose the right person for him. Someone who will make him extremely happy, not to forget his painful past but to learn to accept it and move on along with him and someone who will love Misao as much as he loves him. If you can't be that person then stay away from Misao. Stop leading him on."

Am I leading him on?

Misao is my friend and I don't want him to leave. It's painful to even think about it. I want to know more about him—everything about him. I want him to rely on me. I'm happy when I see him smiling. I'm sad when I couldn't see him even just for a day. I'm upset when he gets too close to Saki-san. I don't want somebody else touching him and caring about him. I hate the thought of him giving up on me.

Were those normal feelings you'd have for a friend?

"Will you really stand by his side and watch him love somebody else?" Saki-san said, as if a final blow to my heart.

I bit my lower lip so hard, because if I don't, I'm afraid all my feelings will burst out like an open dam.

Instead, I whispered, "No… I don't think I can do that... More like, I don't want that to happen."

I heard him laughed under his breath, "Oh my… I'm already fast-asleep. Go talk to him now, Toshiro."

checkmate chapter 09 // end