Online book "Find My Heart"

Chapter 1

Life is difficult, full of surprises and often not the most pleasant ones. And no matter how much you go to a fortune-teller, fate cannot be predicted. And how much I want to know how many troubles and pain are in store for us in order to understand whether we can endure everything and whether there is an opportunity to prevent it. Sometimes it seems that it is on our poor head that all the misfortunes of this world have fallen, and no matter how much we flounder, trying to swim out, the shore is still too far away. We cannot influence the past, and the future is also beyond our control. But we have now, and perhaps this moment is decisive. Yes, even if it is impossible to correct what once was, but in our hands there is an opportunity to change something ...

Mirror ... Since ancient times, this object is shrouded in many secrets. Someone endows him with a soul, someone with mystical power ... And I, looking at the sparkling surface, see only my reflection the way I want others to see. She put on a wider smile - and here's a happy face! And don't give a damn if the eyes don't shine anymore. Eyes? Who needs them! Who is looking into them now? We look in the same mirror more often. And if a person looks well, dressed well, then everything is fine in his life. A forced smile is enough. The state of mind of others has long become unimportant to us. But in fact, this is much more important than a simple shell. Only by looking inside, sometimes the irreparable can be prevented. But we do not want to notice anything, so as not to burden ourselves with other people's problems once again. Is it worth talking about those around you, when all the time people are indifferent to the troubles of their loved ones? ..

But I didn't want anyone to crawl into my soul, I didn't want my family to notice the fire continuing there… Yes, I accepted reality as it is. I practically resigned myself to the fact that I would never see my beloved husband again. And even if it took me three long years, but I still visit Ignat's grave alone, because my words are intended only for him ... Sometimes I still catch myself thinking that I'm as if waiting for him ... And in fear I pull myself back , reminding him that he will not come again. There is no need to indulge in false hopes. I know this as no one else, because my false expectation had disastrous consequences. But as soon as you hear the unexpected click of the door lock, everything freezes in my chest again ... Something deep in me still does not want to come to terms with the loss. But this "something" is so intimidated that it is afraid to even stick its head out.

Does time teach? I don't know ... But I can say for sure that I will never make the same mistakes again. The shame of what I did then gnaws unbearably to this day. I must have hardened myself by learning to live with pain. This house is now my constant companion. I have somehow got used to it and am not trying to separate it from my usual feelings; she seemed to become a part of me ... And there is happiness! There is so much of it in the eyes of my three year old son! He seems to be all saturated with this happiness ... Even the smell of Cyril brings joy and bliss.

"I love him for the two of us," I invariably repeat at my husband's grave, still not daring to tell the child where his dad really is ... I can't, even kill, I can't! The kid doesn't ask, but I'm glad, because I don't want to hurt him. I know that one day I will have to reveal the truth, but by that time we will be ready for this. Both ... I see that the family is also afraid of this day. For not only I love my son for two. Ignat's parents seemed to focus all their adoration on their only grandson. Not only do they love him, they are also ready to fulfill any of his whims. Probably only Maxim, who knows for himself how harmful over-indulging a child can be, can forbid him something. Building a relationship with him was very difficult for me. It took me a long time to let him near my son. I was downright distressed by how quickly he found a common language with Kirill. In the end, I admitted to myself that their relationship is causing me a lot of pain. She watched them, and in the depths of her tortured soul she wished that Ignat was in his place. I understood what was wrong, but it was beyond my strength. Apparently, the experience forever damaged my mind. Fair? At first I waited for him to disappear again or to screw up again. I even wanted it, it is not clear why. Perhaps I was unconsciously trying to vent my anger with myself on him. However, Max did not disappear, but on the contrary, in some incomprehensible way, he was able to become irreplaceable. Who would have thought that this once inadequate scumbag would take a place at the head of the family business. Yes, only now his favorite ripped jeans have been replaced by a business suit. And it would be disingenuous not to admit that such a style suits him as hell. Maxim seemed to have become a different person, although I am of the opinion that people do not change. But they grow up, and that's a fact. It was the latter that happened to him. Even though his bad character remained the same, only now he could present it correctly. Apparently, it was this zest in him that women liked so much, from whom the man had no end. In this regard, Max remained stable, tirelessly mumbling that a serious relationship is not for him. To which I usually replied with a grin: "It's just that there hasn't been found one that would take you tightly in hand."