6 If..

People say that crying doesn't help, but at this point there was no other option left, there was no other help left in my life. I have now exhausted my brain, thinking of solutions but there was no hope left. The only thing that could elongate this situation which would probably put my mind in even just a tad bit of ease was that if I asked—no— Pleaded Aiden to move the wedding to a date which is further and cried one's heart out until it was the time for me to be emotionally and yet physically dead.

I have to ruin and kill my own pride, only to make his stronger and higher, but it was already immensely high and so strong, I wonder how much it will be when I ask him, but I have to worry about myself, keeping in that mind, safe and locked in a box of pride, self-worth and ego. Though it may be notably and pitifully small, but it was enough to challenge my greatest fears also keeping the negativity that everyone and everything around me emits in mind.

This time I have lost myself, I thought I could have accomplished my dreams, lived the grandiose lifestyle that I had deserved, with my own hard work, but it's all ending now, going away, disappearing into dust.

Space reminds me of nature, how god has created everything with magic. It was all so beautiful and majestic. Everything is so perfect. Everything we think about has no worth or value, is not even close to what we imagine, everything and everyone surrounding us are built so perfectly, every heartbeat, everything particle is in sync so beautifully and yet what we see around us apparently has no value, no worth.

It used to be my dream to live in a place that is filled with nature, that I loved. Birds humming in a tone that is so soft yet so fresh, the wind softly blowing my curtains in the upwards direction. The leaves which fall off the ever so beautiful trees because of the air. Petals falling off the flowers and off of the home that they belong to, forming a new way of living and to fly and accomplish their dreams, while I am cooking something to feed on only to live and feel the taste of freedom and life.

My thoughts are the ones that keep me alive and sane, making me escape the terrors that my life holds.

Yet most of the time my thoughts get interrupted by either maids or Aiden himself coming to my room only to threaten me to do something and which I still do because everything around me is out of my control. The only thing which is in my control is nothing, I always make a joke about nothing because there is nothing in my life and I do see my life portrayed as a joke. Everything thing around me is 'no-thing', so I just like to call it nothing though there are many things that I can take control over but I choose not to because everything in my control is a joke, a joke that makes people pitifully laugh at my vulnerability because yet again I am nothing but just a joke, a joke people see as a channel of entertainment, they need entertainment because there is also nothing good about their life as well, so I like to believe that everyone's life is a joke, whether it's mine, hers, his, theirs--it's all a joke. Everyone is laughing at each other because they think that their life is really good so it must be for other's too, but when it isn't, all they do is laugh-- laugh their hearts out but no one knows what might occur in the mere future.

I have always seemed to believe that there is bad after good and good after bad.

I might seem to call my life hopeless, but it really isn't. a part of me says that everything is over, nothing is in my control, all I can do now is cry my heart out until I take the last breaths of my pitied life, yet another part of me says to believe in myself, have hope, win the world with my kindness, although they do not deserve it but I have to try until I succeed, this time I don't kill people with hatred, I kill them and their hatred towards me with my ultimate power which is kindness because the path of peace does not at all reek of crimson red blood, but another part of me says to me that I have to be strong, I don't have to live in a world where the choice isn't mine, I have to escape so I could end this once and for all, I finally accomplish my dreams, what I want to be, what I need to be, what I need to have control over, but as soon as this indestructible side of me dies, I go back to being weak, vulnerable and the hopeless person I was but these sides of me awaken each time another side dies.

I then noticed my unknown behavior, how these thoughts are affecting me, I go deep, deep into the world where I can't control my emotions, I get lost in that world, I don't see an exit, I don't see an escape, I don't see anything so I get trapped in that world and there is not any other place in that universe in which I could go to, I am alone in that world also just like how I am in this world. I need people in that world to accomplish my dreams, yet there are none. I get lost in a world where time is stuck, no one moves and I am the only one moving. In that world I have the power to travel though time, change the things that I did not appreciate at all in this world. I go back in the time where my pregnant mother is fighting with my biological father, the same father whom I saw in the pictures which my dear mother showed to me. I go back in time to fix my father's behavior towards my mother, then I go to a time where I am a child learning new and innovative things from my beloved parents. Living in a house that's tiny but enough for us to feel the emotion of happiness. A tiny cottage like house. My father sitting at the dining table helping me with my homework that I enjoy to do as I am fulfilling the needs of education that brain demands of. My mother setting up the dining table as I smell the beautiful and delicious aroma of the food that my mother cooks, "Look I made your favorite food today dear!", my mother announces to me as I feel the wave of happiness running throughout my body while I widen my already wide smile, to which my father just laughs upon. My mother just smiles at me as she sees the perfect essence this house emits making us call it a home.

I skip to a time where I am in my teenage years, probably sixteen as my parents are helping me to decorate the house for my sixteenth birthday. The plain white walls now covered with the pinkish decorations, my parents knowing that it is my favorite color. I hurry on turning on my heels to march up on the stairs and into my room to change, just to find out the beautiful frock my parents have arranged with a pair of golden earing and elegant footwear. I feel the wave of excitement rushing up my body eventually my lips stretching out into a genuine smile sending all of the love and prayers to my dearest parents.

I skip to a time where I am getting happily married to the man I love. Wearing a dress that is plainly white as it is representing the vibrant and beautiful colors that are yet to unfold in my life. I walk down the aisle with my father and in front of my beloved soon to be husband as I smile at him and he does the same to me as I have butterflies going crazy and my stomach. while my father sits down on the chair in front to witness the wedding of his beloved daughter. We exchange the truthfully said vows as the priest announces us as lawfully wedded husband and wife.

I come to the world I am right now in, everything opposite of what I know as the definition of perfect. I break out of that world just to see the man I soon will be wedded to standing in front of me, just staring down at me as I gulp in fear and horror, I was thinking of marriage, wasn't I? I think I was too eager to get wedded because now he is standing in front of me. The man whom I hate more than anything in this world as my future husband, yet all I can do is cry because this is a situation I can't run off of and if I challenge it, we all know the results of that question, so all I can do right now is listen to orders that I was not made to follow but I choose to follow it because I seem to think there isn't any option left because this wasn't a multiple choice question in an exam, this time it was a question which's answer is only one and I know it, though this situation isn't an exam to pass through the grade, it is a question that I have to answer because this time it isn't a question in an exam I can skip, this is real life, I have to answer this question so I can pass, pass the death that is threatening to unfold if I choose to skip this question. There is nothing I can do but answer that question.