why didn't I just walk away? oh right because I'm an idiot

I felt like—like I don't know what. Like this wasn't real. Like I was in some Goth version of a bad sitcom. Instead of being the A/V dweeb about to ask the head cheerleader to the prom, I was the finished-second-place werewolf about to ask the vampire's husband to run away with me. Nice.

No, I couldn't do it. It was wrong. I'd put myself through enough of it, and I'd put Beau through enough of it. I wasn't going to put either of us through it again.

But I would talk to him. I had to talk to him.

After all, I might not get another chance to.

Edward didn't answer or comment on my thoughts as he led the way back to the house. I wondered about the place that he'd chosen to stop. Was it far enough from the house that the others couldn't hear his whispers? Was that the point?

Maybe. When we walked through the door, the other Cullens' eyes were suspicious and confused. No one looked disgusted or outraged. So they must not have heard either favor Edward had asked me for.

I hesitated in the open doorway, not sure what to do now. It was better right there, with a little bit of breathable air blowing in from outside.

Edward walked into the middle of the huddle, shoulders stiff. Beau watched him anxiously, and then his eyes flickered to me for a second. Then he was watching Edward again.

His face turned a grayish pale, and I could see what he meant about the stress making Beau feel worse.

"We're going to let Jacob and Beau speak privately," Edward said. There was no inflection at all in his voice. Robotic.

"Over my pile of ashes," Royal hissed at him. He was still hovering by Beau's head, one of his cold hands placed passively on Beau's sallow cheek.

Edward didn't look at him. "Beau," he said in that same empty tone. "Jacob wants to talk to you. Are you afraid to be alone with him?"

Beau looked at me, confused. Then he looked at Royal.

"Roy, it's fine. Jake's not going to hurt me. Go with Edward."

"It might be a trick," the blond warned.

"Unless Jake has a syringe of venom in his pocket, I don't see how," Beau said.

"Carlisle and I will always be in your sight, Royal," Edward said. The emotionless voice was cracking, showing the anger through it. "We're the ones he's afraid of."

"No," Beau whispered. His eyes fell, his face looked sad. "No, Edward. I'm not…"

He shook his head, smiling a little. The smile was painful to look at. "I didn't mean it that way, Beau. I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

Sickening. He was right—Beau was beating himself up about hurting his feelings. He had no idea that his precious bloodsucker was so willing to change him against his will.

"Everyone," Edward said, his hand stiffly motioning toward the door. "Please."

The composure he was trying to keep up for Beau was shaky. I could see how close he was to that burning man he'd been outside. The others saw it, too. Silently, they moved out the door while I shifted out of the way. They moved fast; my heart beat twice, and the room was cleared except for Royal, hesitating in the middle of the floor, and Edward, still waiting by the door.

"Roy," Beau said quietly. "I want you to go."

The blonde glared at Edward and then gestured for him to go first. He disappeared out the door. Royal gave me a long warning glower, and then he disappeared, too.

Once we were alone, I crossed the room and sat on the floor next to Beau. I took both his cold hands in mine, rubbing them carefully.

"Thanks, Jake. That feels good."

"I'm not going to lie, babe. You're hideous."

"I know," he sighed. "I'm scary-looking."

"Thing-from-the-swamp scary," I agreed.

He laughed. "It's really great having you here. It feels nice to smile. Everyone's been so serious lately."

I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Okay, okay," he sighed. "They have a reason to be."

"Yeah, they do. Why aren't you taking this more seriously, babe?"

"People get sick, Jake. It's a part of life."

"Sick, sure, but…" I sighed. "Beau, do you not understand how bad this is?"

"I do," he said quietly.

"So why aren't you—I don't know, scared? Angry?"

"I was before." He said softly. "I was scared, then I was angry, now… I guess I'm just, letting it take its course."

"So you're giving up?"

"No, not at all." He sighed. "I'm sure all of you think I have some sort of death wish but that's not the case. I know—if I get better enough that my heart could take it—I could just let Edward change me. But, Jacob, I understand the cost of that decision. If I'm changed it will break the treaty and start a fight between your family and mine. People I love could be hurt—die! Just because I was too scared of dying myself."

"So you're going to be a martyr?" I rolled my eyes.

"Do you think I'll be made a saint for it?" He smirked.

"Knock it off. It's not funny, Beau."

"I know." He was quiet for a second. "Jacob, I've been selfish. I've made choices that have had consequences. But I'm not a child, I'm not making decisions a child would have to make. I need to think, act, and decide like an adult now. No, I don't want to die. But I can't let that fear or that want lead me to a decision that will have consequences I can't handle. I'm not going to be responsible for a war. I'm not going to change and have to leave you, Charlie, my mom, and all my human life behind."

"But, Beau—"

"I'm human. And I will face this as a human." He said, his voice resolute. "In every human way…"

I didn't know what to say. I wasn't used to Beau being like this. So… strong, so grown up. It was weird.

We sat in silence. He looked at my face for a long minute. "What did you and Edward talk about out there?"

I didn't answer, I definitely wasn't sure what to say to that.

"Obviously he wanted you to come talk to me about something."

I hated when he was so spot on like that. "Yeah, he did."

"What was it?"

"He wanted… He thought I could maybe convince you of something. There's a battle that's lost before it starts."

He laughed. "So why did you agree?"

I didn't answer. I wasn't sure I knew.

I did know this—every second I spent with him was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out.

"It'll work out, you know," he said after a quiet minute. "I believe that."

That made me see red again. "Is dementia one of your symptoms?" I snapped.

He laughed, though my anger was so real that my hands were shaking around his.

"Maybe," he said. "I'm not saying things will work out easily, Jake. But how could I have lived through all that I've lived through and not believe in magic by this point?"

"Magic?"

"Especially for you," he said. He was smiling. He pulled one of his hands away from mine and pressed it against my cheek. Warmer than before, but it felt cool against my skin, like most things did. "More than anyone else, you've got some magic waiting to make things right for you."

"What are you babbling about?"

He was still smiling, but it was sadder now. "I might not make it through this, Jake. I mean, I really hope I do. But," he sighed, "I was glad you came today because I wanted a chance to tell you how much you mean to me, Jacob. I'm sorry everything turned out like it did. All the pain, the heartbreak… But, I do love you, Jake. You're my best friend in the whole world, even if you're not very happy with me right now. I hope, beyond anything, that you find someone who makes you happy because you deserve to be happy, Jake. You deserve to find someone who loves you."

"Stop Beau," the words came out strangled, "Stop it, you're saying goodbye. Don't say goodbye."

"Jake…"

"No, Beau! What was the point of it? Of any of it? Of me loving you? Of you loving him? When you die"—my voice cracked on the word, despite my anger—"how is that ever right again? What's the point of me finding someone else? Do you understand how much you mean to us? Not just me, or him, but to Charlie and Renée? How are we supposed to move on with our lives without you?"

His other hand flew to my face, he ran his frail fingers through my hair.

"What do you want me to do, Jacob?" He soothed. "I'm only human."

"I… I… I don't know, Beau, but you can't die!"

"Jacob, I'll fight as long as I can…"

"Listen to me, babe. You can't die." Like before, when the call from Charlie had come, I could see how much difference it really made to me. I realized I needed him to stay alive, in some form. In any form. I took a deep breath. "Live, Beau. Okay? Just live. Don't do this to me. Don't do it to him." My voice got harder, louder. "You know what he's going to do when you die. You've seen it before. You want him to go back to those Italian killers?"

He cringed for a moment. Then he relaxed and moved his hands back to my face.

"Jake…"

I felt a knot in my stomach forming, and a lump in my throat. This was getting harder every second. I couldn't imagine a world he didn't exist in. I swore to myself I wouldn't do this, but I was out of time.

"Beau," I said.

He heard the change in my voice. His eyes searched mine, confused.

"Beau, if you get better…"

"Yes?"

"Okay, just listen before you say anything. What if…"

"What if what?"

"What if you get better and… and… You… You and I…"

He watched me struggle around the words, his eyebrows furrowed, then they relaxed as he began to understand what I was saying. He smiled again but it was sad. "Jacob Black," he sighed. "I love you, and I'm sorry."

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

"Jacob, promise me you'll try to be happy." He sighed. "I don't think you'll ever know how sorry I am that I couldn't make you happy, and that I caused you so much pain."

"You didn't always," I mumbled. "Sometimes you made me happier than anyone in the world."

He smiled, then he coughed once into his sleeve once, then a violent string of coughs left him shaking.

As I saw the blood staining his sleeve the reality of everything came crashing down all around me. Beau was sick, there wasn't anything I could do to stop him from dying. Nothing humancould stop him from dying.

"Let them change you."

His hands froze, his eyes widened, and his mouth hung open.

"What?"

"Let them change you, Beau."

"Jake, what are you… You can't be serious."

"Beau, you know I wouldn't say it if I wasn't serious."

He stared at me for a long minute. "I already told you, Jake. I can't do that to Charlie, to my mom…" He sighed. "I can't do that to you."

"Beau, I'd rather see you as one of them than see you dead."

"But…"

"No buts, Beau. If you're not going to get better the human way…" I swallowed hard. "You need to do it their way."

He was very still for a second. His expression gradually relaxed.

"I have to try to get better first. The humanway." He said quietly, then he looked up at me. "If I have no other option…" He didn't finish the thought. "I'll think about it, Jake."

I nodded once, stiffly. After another long moment, I got to my feet.

"Where are you going?"

"I… don't know, Beau."

He held out his thin hand, pleading. "Don't go."

I felt like I was being stabbed with knives. A thousand rusty, jagged knives.

"I have to get back."

"Why did you come today?" he asked, still reaching limply.

"Just to see if you were still alive. I didn't believe you were sick like Charlie said."

I couldn't tell from his face whether he bought that or not.

"Will you come back again? Before…"

"I can't watch you die, Beau."

He flinched. "You're right, you're right. I'm sorry."

I headed for the door.

"Bye," he whispered behind me. "Love you, Jake."

I almost went back. I almost turned around and fell down on my knees and started crying. But I knew I had to leave. I had to get out before loving him killed me, like it was going to kill Edward.

"Sure, sure," I mumbled on my way out.

I didn't see the rest of the vampires. Only Edward. He was standing near my bike, like he was lost. He looked up at me as I approached.

I walked straight up to him and grabbed him by the shirt. "You keep him alive, you get him as healthy as you can, and if you have to…" I inhaled a deep breath, "change him." I shoved Edward away from me and broke into a run towards the forest.

I ignored my bike, it wasn't fast enough for me now. My dad would be freaked out—Sam, too. What would the pack make of the fact that they hadn't heard me phase? Would they think the Cullens got me before I'd had the chance? I stripped down once I broke through the trees, not caring anymore. I blurred into wolf mid-stride.

They were waiting. Of course they were.

Jacob, Jake,eight voices chorused in relief.

Come home now, the Alpha voice ordered. Sam was furious.

I felt Paul fade out, and I knew Billy and Rachel were waiting to hear what had happened to me. Paul was too anxious to give them the good news that I wasn't vampire chow to listen to the whole story.

I didn't have to tell the pack I was on my way—they could see the forest blurring past me as I sprinted for home. I didn't have to tell them that I was half-past crazy, either. The sickness in my head was obvious.

They saw everything—Beau's frail body, the blood on his sleeve; his raspy voice: What do you want me to do, Jacob? I'm only human; the burning man in Edward's face: Beau is dying. His body is giving out on him; and me, saying the unthinkable: Let them change you—and for once, no one had anything to say.

Their shock was just a silent shout in my head. Wordless.

!!!!

I was halfway home before anyone recovered. Then they all started running to meet me.

It was almost dark—the clouds covered the sunset completely. I risked darting across the freeway and made it without being seen.

We met up about ten miles out of La Push, in a clearing left by the loggers. It was out of the way, wedged between two spurs of the mountain, where no one would see us. Paul found them when I did, so the pack was complete.

The babble in my head was total chaos. Everyone shouting at once.

Sam's hackles were sticking straight up, and he was growling in an unbroken stream as he paced back and forth around the top of the ring. Paul and Jared moved like shadows behind him, their ears flat against the sides of their head. The whole circle was agitated, on their feet and snarling in low bursts.

At first their anger was undefined, and I thought I was in for it. I was too messed up to care about that. They could do whatever they wanted to me for what I had said.

And then the unfocused confusion of thoughts began to move together.

What were they thinking? Endangering everyone!

Not safe. Dangerous.

Breaking the treaty. Bringing disease.

We can't allow it.

The pack was pacing in synchronization now, thinking in synchronization, all but myself and one other. I sat beside whichever brother it was, too dazed to look over with either my eyes or my mind to see who was next to me, while the pack circled around us.

The treaty is broken.

This puts everyone in danger.

I tried to understand the spiraling voices, tried to follow the curling pathway the thoughts made to see where they were leading, but it wasn't making sense. The pictures in the center of their thoughts were mypictures—the very worst of them. Beau's sickly face, Edward's face as he burned.

They knew it was dangerous.

They still brought him back here.

They've already considered breaking the treaty.

They're planning on it!

The safety of our families, of everyone here, is what's important.

Protect the tribe.

Protect our families.

Uphold the treaty!

Another of my memories, Edward's words this time: This sickness… it's unpredictable, violent

No time to waste,Jared thought.

It will mean a fight,Embry cautioned. A bad one.

We're ready,Paul insisted.

We'll need surprise on our side, Sam thought.

If we catch them divided, we can take them down separately. It will increase our chances of victory,Jared thought, starting to strategize now.

I shook my head, rising slowly to my feet. I felt unsteady there—like the circling wolves were making me dizzy. The wolf beside me got up, too. His shoulders pushed against mine, propping me up.

Wait, I thought.

The circling paused for one beat, and then they were pacing again.

There's little time, Sam said.

But—what are you thinking? You wouldn't attack them this afternoon. Now you're planning an ambush, when the treaty is still intact?

The treaty is one failing heart away from being broken, Sam said. Not only have the Cullens already considered turning Beau—in violation of the treaty—Not only are they planning to do it if he does get worse, they've brought him back to Forks with this disease. They've put everyone in danger, they have broken the treaty and that means war.

No, we can't—

He's dying, Jacob, you know they won't let him die if they can do anything about it, Liam whispered.

Jake, buddy, this is a big problem,Quil said.We can't just ignore it.

They're just trying to save Beau,I argued.

You don't get an opinion on this, Jacob, you've already betrayed us once today. Encouraging the blood drinkers to change Beau,Sam snapped.This disease is unpredictable and violent—what if we're already too late? What if it's already spreading through the town? The Cullens have shown they are a danger to our people and they would change a human—even against their will!

Can't we just tell them to leave? The wolf who was still supporting me asked. It was Seth. Of course.

And inflict this upon others? When blood drinkers cross our land, we destroy them, no matter where they plan to hunt. We protect everyone we can.

This is crazy,I said. This afternoon you were afraid to put the pack in danger.

This afternoon I didn't know our families were at risk.

I can't believe this! How're you going to stop them without hurting Beau?

There were no words, but the silence was full of meaning.

I howled.He's human, too! Doesn't our protection apply to him?

He's dying anyway, Liam thought. We'll just shorten the process.

That did it. I leaped away from Seth, toward his brother, with my teeth bared. I was about to catch his left hind leg when I felt Sam's teeth cut into my flank, dragging me back.

I howled in pain and fury and turned on him.

Stop! he ordered in the double timbre of the Alpha.

My legs seemed to buckle under me. I jerked to a halt, only managing to keep on my feet by sheer willpower.

He turned his gaze away from me. You will not be cruel to him, Liam, he commanded. Beau's sacrifice is a heavy price, and we will all recognize that. It is against everything we stand for to take a human life. Making an exception to that code is a bleak thing. We will all mourn for what we do tonight.

Tonight? Seth repeated, shocked. Sam—I think we should talk about this some more. Consult with the Elders, at least. You can't seriously mean for us to—

We can't afford your tolerance for the Cullens now. There is no time for debate. You will do as you are told, Seth.

Seth's front knees folded, and his head fell forward under the weight of the Alpha's command.

Sam paced in a tight circle around the two of us.

We need the whole pack for this. Jacob, you are our strongest fighter. You will fight with us tonight. I understand that this is hard for you, so you will concentrate on their fighters—Emmett and Jasper Cullen. You don't have to be involved with the... other part. Quil and Embry will fight with you.

My knees trembled; I struggled to hold myself upright while the voice of the Alpha lashed at my will.

Paul, Jared, and I will take on Edward and Royal. I think, from the information Jacob has brought us, they will be the ones guarding Beau. Carlisle and Alice will also be close, possibly Esme. Brady, Collin, Seth, and Liam will concentrate on them. Whoever has a clear line on—we all heard him mentally stutter over Beau's name—the target will take it. Destroying this disease is our first priority.

The pack rumbled in nervous agreement. The tension had everyone's fur standing on end. The pacing was quicker, and the sound of the paws against the brackish floor was sharper, toenails tearing into the soil.

Only Seth and I were still, the eye in the center of a storm of bared teeth and flattened ears. Seth's nose was almost touching the ground, bowed under Sam's commands. I felt his pain at the coming disloyalty. For him this was a betrayal—during that one day of alliance, fighting beside Edward Cullen, Seth had truly become the vampire's friend.

There was no resistance in him, however. He would obey no matter how much it hurt him. He had no other choice.

And what choice did I have? When the Alpha spoke, the pack followed.

Sam had never pushed his authority this far before; I knew he honestly hated to see Seth kneeling before him like a slave at the foot of his master. He wouldn't force this if he didn't believe that he had no other choice. He couldn't lie to us when we were linked mind to mind like this. He really believed it was our duty to destroy Beau and the disease he carried. That Beau had to die before he could become a vampire. And that the Cullens were a real and present danger to everyone. He really believed we had no time to waste. He believed it enough to die for it.

I saw that he would face Edward himself; Edward's ability to read our thoughts made him the greatest threat in Sam's mind. Sam would not let someone else take on that danger.

He saw Jasper as the second-greatest opponent, which is why he'd given him to me. He knew that I had the best chance of any of the pack to win that fight. He'd left the easiest targets for the younger wolves and Liam. Little Alice was no danger without her future vision to guide her, and we knew from our time of alliance that Esme was not a fighter. Carlisle would be more of a challenge, but his hatred of violence would hinder him.

I felt sicker than Seth as I watched Sam plan it out, trying to work the angles to give each member of the pack the best chance of survival.

Everything was inside out. This afternoon, I'd been chomping at the bit to attack them. But Seth had been right—it wasn't a fight I'd been ready for. I'd blinded myself with that hate. I hadn't let myself look at it carefully, because I must have known what I would see if I did.

Carlisle Cullen. Looking at him without that hate clouding my eyes, I couldn't deny that killing him was murder. He was good. Good as any human we protected. Maybe better. The others, too, I supposed, but I didn't feel as strongly about them. I didn't know them as well. It was Carlisle who would hate fighting back, even to save his own life. That's why we would be able to kill him—because he wouldn't want us, his enemies, to die.

This was wrong.

And it wasn't just because killing Beau felt like killing me, like suicide.

Pull it together, Jacob, Sam ordered. The tribe comes first.

I was wrong today, Sam.

Your reasons were wrong then. But now we have a duty to fulfill.

I braced myself. No.

Sam snarled and stopped pacing in front of me. He stared into my eyes and a deep growl slid between his teeth.

Yes, the Alpha decreed, his double voice blistering with the heat of his authority. There are no loopholes tonight. You, Jacob, are going to fight the Cullens with us. You, with Quil and Embry, will take care of Jasper and Emmett. You are obligated to protect the tribe. That is why you exist. You will perform this obligation.

My shoulders hunched as the edict crushed me. My legs collapsed, and I was on my belly under him.

No member of the pack could refuse the Alpha.