So This Is What It Feels Like To Have Nothing Left

I sort of had a plan as I ran to the Cullens' garage. The second part of it was totaling the bloodsucker's car on my way back.

So I was at a loss when I mashed the button on the keyless remote, and it was not his Volvo that beeped and flashed its lights for me. It was another car—a standout even in the long line of vehicles that were mostly all drool-worthy in their own ways.

Did he actually mean to give me the keys to an Aston Martin Vanquish, or was that an accident?

I didn't pause to think about it, or if this would change that second part of my plan. I just threw myself into the silky leather seat and cranked the engine while my knees were still crunched up under the steering wheel. The sound of the motor's purr might have made me moan another day, but right now it was all I could do to concentrate enough to put it in drive.

I found the seat release and shoved myself back as my foot rammed the pedal down. The car felt almost airborne as it leaped forward.

It only took seconds to race through the tight, winding drive. The car responded to me like my thoughts were steering rather than my hands. As I blew out of the green tunnel and onto the highway, I caught a fleeting glimpse of Liam's gray face peering uneasily through the ferns.

For half a second, I wondered what he'd think, and then I tried not to care.

I turned south, because I had no patience today for ferries or traffic or anything else that meant I might have to lift my foot off the pedal.

In a sick way, it was my lucky day. If by lucky you meant taking a well-traveled highway at two hundred without so much as seeing one cop, even in the thirty-mile-an- hour speed-trap towns. What a letdown. A little chase action might have been nice, not to mention that the license plate info would bring the heat down on the leech. Sure, he'd buy his way out of it, but it might have been just a little inconvenient for him.

The only sign of surveillance I came across was just a hint of dark brown fur flitting through the woods, running parallel to me for a few miles on the south side of Forks. Quil, it looked like. He must have seen me, too, because he disappeared after a minute without raising an alarm. Again, I almost wondered what his story would be before I remembered that I didn't care.

I raced around the long U-shaped highway, heading for the biggest city I could find. That was the first part of my plan.

It seemed to take forever, probably because I was still on the razor blades, but it actually didn't even take two hours before I was driving north into the undefined sprawl that was part Tacoma and part Seattle. I slowed down then, because I really wasn't trying to kill any innocent bystanders.

I didn't really have a plan. But my conversation with Liam was replaying in my head over and over, with sprinkles of Beau and Edward's conversation just to add some more pain to the mix. Liam had the right idea, after all. So did Beau. I had to move on.

But how do you do that? How do you just move on? Would it be like in movies where you catch someone's eye in a crowd and the whole world slows down and stops, till it's just the two of you? That's probably what it was like for Beau and his vampire. Didn't I deserve that, too?

So how do you look for a random soul mate in a crowd? Well, first I needed a crowd. So I tooled around, looking for a likely spot. I passed a couple of malls, which probably wouldn't been pretty good places to find someone my age, but I couldn't make myself stop. Like part of me knew this was stupid.

I kept going north, and it got more and more crowded. Eventually, I found a big park full of kids and families and skateboards and bikes and kites and picnics and the whole bit. I hadn't noticed till now—it was a nice day. Sun and all that. People were out celebrating the blue sky.

I parked across two handicapped spots—just begging for a ticket—and joined the crowd.

I walked around for what felt like hours. Long enough that the sun changed sides in the sky. I stared into the face of every guy who passed anywhere near me, making myself really look, noticing who was good looking and who had brown eyes and who looked good in braces and who had way too much gel in their hair. I tried to find something interesting about each face, so that I would know for sure that I'd really tried. Things like: This one had a really straight nose; that one should pull his hair out of his eyes; this one could model if the rest of his face was as perfect as his smile…

Sometimes they stared back. Sometimes they looked nervous—like they were thinking, Who is this big freak glaring at me? Sometimes I thought they looked kind of interested, but maybe that was just my ego running wild.

Either way, nothing. Even when I met the eyes of the guy who was—no contest—the hottest guy in the park and probably in the city, and he stared right back with a speculation that looked like interest, I felt nothing. Just the same desperate drive to find a way out of the pain.

As time went on, I started noticing all the wrong things. Beau things. This one's hair was the same color. That one's eyes were sort of shaped the same. This one's cheekbones cut across his face in just the same way. That one had the same little crease between his eyes—which made me wonder what he was worrying about.

That was when I gave up. Because it was beyond stupid to think that I had picked exactly the right place and time and I was going to simply walk into my soul mate just because I was so desperate to. That's not how real life worked. Not how my life worked.

I wandered back to the car and then slumped against the hood and played with the keys.

Maybe I was just meant to be what I was. I sad, bitter, lone wolf. In the most pathetically literal sense. Maybe my life was just a big, cruel joke, and there was no escape from the punch line.

"Hey, you okay? Hello? You there, with the stolen car."

It took me a second to realize that the voice was talking to me, and then another second to decide to raise my head.

A familiar-looking guy was staring at me, his expression kind of anxious. I knew why I recognized his face—I'd already catalogued this one. Light red-gold hair, fair skin, a few gold-colored freckles sprinkled across his cheeks and nose, and eyes the color of cinnamon.

"If you're feeling that remorseful over boosting the car," he said, smiling so that a dimple popped out in his chin, "you could always turn yourself in."

"It's borrowed, not stolen," I snapped. My voice sounded horrible—like I'd been crying or something. Embarrassing.

"Sure, that'll hold up in court."

I glowered. "You need something?"

"Not really. I was kidding about the car, you know. It's just that... you look really upset about something. Oh, hey, I'm Lucas." He held out his hand.

I looked at it until he let it fall.

"Anyway...," he said awkwardly, "I was just wondering if I could help. Seemed like you were looking for someone before." He gestured toward the park and shrugged.

"Yeah."

He waited.

I sighed. "I don't need any help. He's not here."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Me, too," I muttered.

I looked at the guy again. Lucas. He was good looking. Nice enough to try to help a grouchy stranger who must seem nuts. Why couldn't he be the one? Why did everything have to be so freaking complicated? Nice guy, good looking, and sort of funny. Why not?

"This is a beautiful car," he said. "It's really a shame they're not making them anymore. I mean, the Vantage's body styling is gorgeous, too, but there's just something about the Vanquish. . . ."

Nice guy who knew cars. Wow. I stared at his face harder, wishing I knew how to make it work. C'mon, Jake—make the world stop already

"How's it drive?" he asked.

"Like you wouldn't believe," I told him.

He grinned his one-dimple smile, clearly pleased to have dragged a halfway civil response out of me, and I gave him a reluctant smile back.

But his smile did nothing about the sharp, cutting blades that raked up and down my body. No matter how much I wanted it to, my life was not going to come together like that.

I wasn't in that healthier place where Liam was headed. I wasn't going to be able to fall in love like a normal person. Not when I was bleeding over someone else. Maybe—if it was ten years from now and Beau's heart was long dead and I'd hauled myself through the whole grieving process and come out in one piece again—maybe then I could offer Lucas a ride in a fast car and talk makes and models and get to know something about him and see if I liked him as a person. But that wasn't going to happen now.

Magic wasn't going to save me. I was just going to have to take the torture like a man. Suck it up.

Lucas waited, maybe hoping I was going to offer him that ride. Or maybe not.

"I'd better get this car back to the guy I borrowed it from," I muttered.

He smiled again. "Glad to hear you're going straight."

"Yeah, you convinced me."

He watched me get in the car, still sort of concerned. I probably looked like someone who was about to drive off a cliff. Which maybe I would've, if that kind of move'd work for a werewolf. He waved once, his eyes trailing after the car.

At first, I drove more sanely on the way back. I wasn't in a rush. I didn't want to go where I was going. Back to that house, back to that forest. Back to the pain I'd run from. Back to being absolutely alone with it.

Okay, that was melodramatic. I wouldn't be all alone, but that was a bad thing. Liam and Seth would have to suffer with me. I was glad Seth wouldn't have to suffer long. Kid didn't deserve to have his peace of mind ruined. Liam didn't, either, but at least it was something he understood. Nothing new about pain for Liam.

I sighed big as I thought about what Liam wanted from me, because I knew now that he was going to get it. I was still wary about the whole thing, but I couldn't ignore the fact that I could make his life easier. And—now that I knew him better—I thought he would probably do this for me, if our positions were reversed.

It would be interesting, at the very least, and strange, too, to have Liam as a companion —as a friend. We were going to get under each other's skin a lot, that was for sure. He wouldn't be one to let me wallow, but I thought that was a good thing. I'd probably need someone to kick my butt now and then. But when it came right down to it, he was really the only friend who had any chance of understanding what I was going through now.

I thought of the hunt this morning, and how close our minds had been for that one moment in time. It hadn't been a bad thing. Different. A little scary, a little awkward. But also nice in a weird way.

I didn't have to be all alone.

And I knew Liam was strong enough to face with me the months that were coming. Months and years. It made me tired to think about it. I felt like I was staring out across an ocean that I was going to have to swim from shore to shore before I could rest again.

So much time coming, and then so little time before it started. Before I was flung into that ocean. Three and a half more days, and here I was, wasting that little bit of time I had.

I started driving too fast again.

I saw Sam and Jared, one on either side of the road like sentinels, as I raced up the road toward Forks. They were well hidden in the thick branches, but I was expecting them, and I knew what to look for. I nodded as I blew past them, not bothering to wonder what they made of my day trip.

I nodded to Liam and Seth, too, as I cruised up the Cullens' driveway. It was starting to get dark, and the clouds were thick on this side of the sound, but I saw their eyes glitter in the glow of the headlights. I would explain to them later. There'd be plenty of time for that.

It was a surprise to find Edward waiting for me in the garage. I hadn't seen him away from Beau in days. I could tell from his face that nothing bad had happened to him. In fact, he looked more peaceful than before. My stomach tightened as I remembered the conversation that had given him that peace.

It was too bad that—with all my brooding—I'd forgotten to wreck the car. Oh well. I probably wouldn't have been able to stand hurting this car, anyway. Maybe he'd guessed as much, and that's why he'd lent it to me in the first place.

"A few things, Jacob," he said as soon as I cut the engine.

I took a deep breath and held it for a minute. Then, slowly, I got out of the car and threw the keys to him.

"Thanks for the loan," I said sourly. Apparently, it would have to be repaid. "What do you want now?"

"Firstly... I know how averse you are to using your authority with your pack, but . . ."

I blinked, astonished that he would even dream of starting in on this one. "What?"

"If you can't or won't control Liam, then I—"

"Liam?" I interrupted, speaking through my teeth. "What happened?"

Edward's face was hard. "He came up to see why you'd left so abruptly. I tried to explain. I suppose it might not have come out right."

"What did he do?"

"He phased to his human form and—"

"Really?" I interrupted again, shocked this time. I couldn't process that. Liam letting his guard down right in the mouth of the enemy's lair?

"He wanted to... speak to Beau."

"To Beau?"

Edward got all hissy then. "I won't let Beau be upset like that again. I don't care how justified Liam thinks he is! I didn't hurt him—of course I wouldn't—but I'll throw him out of the house if it happens again. I'll launch him right across the river—"

"Hold on. What did he say?" None of this was making any sense.

Edward took a deep breath, composing himself. "Liam was unnecessarily harsh. I'm not going to pretend that you didn't hear what Beau said. You know Beau only cares about you and your happiness, and he suffers a great deal over your pain. What Liam said was uncalled for. At least what I heard—after a a few minutes of Liam's tirade, Beau demanded that everyone else leave the room—out of hearing range. They talked for a long while alone, even though it was completely against my better judgement. Anyway, Beau's been crying—"

"Wait—Liam was yelling at Beau about me?"

He nodded one sharp nod. "You were quite vehemently championed."

Whoa. "I didn't ask Liam to do that."

"I know."

I rolled my eyes. Of course he knew. He knew everything.

But that was really something about Liam. Who would have believed it? Liam walking into the bloodsuckers' place human to complain about how I was being treated.

"I can't promise to control Liam," I told him. "I won't do that. But I'll talk to him, okay? And I don't think there'll be a repeat. Liam's not one to hold back, so he probably got it all off his chest today."

"I would say so."

"Anyway, I'll talk to Beau about it, too. He doesn't need to feel bad. This one's on me."

"I already told him that."

"Of course you did. Is he okay?"

"He's sleeping now. Roy is with him."

"And what about…" I trailed off.

"He's… better in some ways. Aside from Liam's tirade and the resulting guilt."

Better. Because Edward finally understood why Beau had put off changing and everything was all lovey-dovey now because Edward knew that Beau only loved him. Fantastic.

"It's a bit more than that," he murmured. "He seems more… resolved. He feels—we feel—there's no point in delaying any further."

I stared at Edward, feeling the pain hit me all over again.

Edward went on, acting like he couldn't hear the screaming inside my brain. "As soon as Carlisle returns—"

"They're not back?" I cut in sharply. I thought of Sam and Jared, watching the road. Would they get curious as to what was going on?

"Alice and Jasper are. Carlisle sent all the blood he was able to acquire, so as to relieve you from donation duties, but it wasn't as much as he was hoping for. Carlisle stayed to try another source. I don't think that's necessary now, but he wants to be covered for any eventuality."

"When you say it isn't necessary?"

I could tell he was watching and listening to my reaction carefully as he explained. "Beau decided, once Carlisle returns, if his heart is strong enough… He's going to change."

"What?"

"I… I'm sorry, Jacob. I know this is…" He paused, and I could see my pain in his face. "I don't know how you are handling it, to be honest with you. Please, understand, Beau is too fragile to delay. The damage this disease has done to his body is… Even if he survived and stayed human a little longer, as he had originally wanted, he would never truly recover. He wouldn't be able to do any of the things he wanted. No, if his heart is strong enough then it's time."

I kept getting my legs knocked out from under me. First, hearing Beau put everything out black and white on the table. Now, I'd realized that I thought of those four days as a sure thing. I'd banked on them.

The endless ocean of grief that waited stretched out before me.

I tried to catch my breath.

Edward waited. I stared at his face while I recovered, recognizing another change there.

"You think he's going to make it," I whispered.

"Yes. He's still in stable condition from the last transfusion of your blood. Which means we should act. But that also means there's something else I need to talk to you about."

I couldn't say anything. After a minute, he went on.

"Yes," he said again. "Beau is as stable as he's probably going to get. We discussed everything thoroughly, even brought Royal in for his… opinion. Even Royal agrees, Beau has done everything he can do. It's time. We just need Carlisle's help to make it as smooth and easy as we can."

"When will Carlisle be back?" I asked, still whispering. I hadn't got my breath back yet.

"By noon tomorrow."

My knees buckled. I had to grab the car to hold myself up. Edward reached out like he was offering support, but then he thought better of it and dropped his hands.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I truly am sorry for the pain this causes you, Jacob. Though you hate me, I must admit that I don't feel the same way about you. I think of you as, a… a brother in many ways. A comrade in arms, at the very least. I regret your suffering more than you realize. But Beau isgoing to survive"—when he said that his voice was fierce, even violent—"and I know that's what really matters to you."

He was probably right. It was hard to tell. My head was spinning.

"So I hate to do this now, while you're already dealing with too much, but, clearly, there is little time. I have one last thing to ask of you, Jacob Black—beg you, if I must."

"I don't have anything left," I choked out.

He lifted his hand again, as if to put it on my shoulder, but then let it drop like before and sighed.

"I know how much you have given," he said quietly. "But this is something you do have, and only you. I'm asking this of the true Alpha, Jacob. I'm asking this of Ephraim's heir."

I was way past being able to respond.

"I want your permission to deviate from what we agreed to in our treaty with Ephraim. I want you to grant us an exception. I want your permission to save Beau's life. You know I'll do it anyway, but I don't want to break faith with you if there is any way to avoid it. We never intended to go back on our word, and we don't do it lightly now. I want your understanding, Jacob, because you know exactly why we do this. I want the alliance between our families to survive when this is over. This is what Beau needed, why he waited."

I tried to swallow. Sam, I thought. It's Sam you want.

"No. Sam's authority is assumed. It belongs to you. You'll never take it from him, but

no one can rightfully agree to what I'm asking except for you."

It's not my decision.

"It is, Jacob, and you know it. Your word on this will condemn us or absolve us. Only you can give this to me."

I can't think. I don't know.

"We don't have much time." He glanced back toward the house.

No, there was no time. My few days had become a few hours.

I don't know. Let me think. Just give me a minute here, okay?

"Yes."

I started walking to the house, and he followed. Crazy how easy it was, walking through the dark with a vampire right beside me. It didn't feel unsafe, or even uncomfortable, really. It felt like walking next to anybody. Well, anybody who smelled bad.

There was a movement in the brush at the edge of the big lawn, and then a low whimper. Seth shrugged through the ferns and loped over to us.

"Hey, kid," I muttered.

He dipped his head, and I patted his shoulder.

"S'all cool," I lied. "I'll tell you about it later. Sorry to take off on you like that."

He grinned at me.

"Hey, tell your brother to back off now, okay? Enough."

Seth nodded once.

I shoved against his shoulder this time. "Get back to work. I'll spell you in a bit."

Seth leaned against me, shoving back, and then he galloped into the trees.

"He has one of the purest, sincerest, kindest minds I've ever heard," Edward murmured when he was out of sight. "You're lucky to have his thoughts to share."

"I know that," I grunted.

We started toward the house, and both of our heads snapped up when we heard the sound of some coughing. Edward was in a hurry then. He darted up the porch stairs and was gone.

"Beau, love, I thought you were sleeping," I heard him say. "I'm sorry, I wouldn't have left."

"Don't worry, Edward. I rolled over on my wrist—it's still sore and it woke me up. But I'm fine."

I walked through the door.

Alice said, "Finally," and Beau's eyes flashed to me. That sad smile appeared on the corner of his lips for only a second. Then it faltered, and his face fell. He snapped his eyes close and clenched his jaw, like he was trying not to cry.

I wanted to punch Liam right in his stupid mouth.

"Hey, babe," I said quickly. "How ya doing?"

"I'm fine," he said.

"Big day today, huh? Lots of big decisions."

"You don't have to do that, Jacob."

"Don't know what you're talking about," I said, going to sit on the arm of the sofa by his head. Edward had the floor there already.

He gave me a reproachful look, that quickly moved to deep regret. "I'm so s—" he started to say.

I pinched his lips together between my thumb and finger.

"Jake," he mumbled, trying to pull my hand away. His attempt was so weak it was hard to believe that he was really trying.

I shook my head. "You can talk when you're not being stupid."

"Fine, I won't say it," it sounded like he mumbled.

I pulled my hand away.

"Sorry!" he finished quickly, as a grin teased at the corners of his mouth.

I rolled my eyes and then smiled back at him.

When I stared into his eyes, I saw everything that I'd been looking for in the park.

Tomorrow, he'd be someone else. But still alive, and that was what counted, right? He'd look at me with the same eyes, sort of. Smile with the same lips, almost. He'd still know me better than anyone who didn't have full access to the inside of my head.

Liam might be an interesting companion, maybe even a true friend—someone who would stand up for me. But he wasn't my bestfriend the way Beau was. Aside from the impossible, unrequited love I felt for Beau, there was also that other bond, and it ran bone deep.

And that connection was more important to me than anything else.

Tomorrow he'd be my enemy. Or he'd be my ally. And, apparently, that distinction was up to me.

I sighed.

Fine!I thought, giving up the very last I had to give. It made me feel hollow. Go ahead. Save him. As Ephraim's heir, you have my permission, my word, that this will not violate the treaty. The others will just have to blame me. You were right—they can't deny that it's my right to agree to this.

"Thank you." Edward's whisper was low enough that Beau didn't hear anything. But the words were so fervent that, from the corner of my eye, I saw the other vampires turning to stare.

"So," Beau asked, working to be casual. "How was your day?"

"Great. Went for a drive. Hung out in the park."

"Sounds nice."

"Sure, sure."

After a long moment, he huffed a sigh. "Roy?" he asked.

I heard Blondie chuckle. "Again?"

"I think I've drunk like two gallons of water in the last hour," Beau explained.

Edward and I both got out of the way while Royal came to lift Beau from the couch and take him to the bathroom.

"Can I walk?" Beau asked. "My legs are so stiff."

"Are you sure?" Edward asked.

"Royal will catch me if I collapse from sudden exhaustion." He deadpanned.

Royal set Beau carefully on his feet, keeping his hands right at Beau's shoulders. Beau stretched his arms out in front of him, wincing a little.

"That feels good," he sighed. "Other than the sore ribs." He took a deep breath and let out another long sigh. "One more day…"

I couldn't help the pain that shot through me in a sudden, stabbing burst, but I tried to keep it off my face. I could hide it for one more day, right?

"All right," He started, then he twisted out from Royal's arms to face me, "Oh, Jake, can we talk when I get back? Please? Just some stuff I want… to… to…"

His face contorted in a strange, pained way. His right hand jumped to his left arm, and he was suddenly covered in a sheen of sweat. He gasped and stumbled backwards.

"His heart—Edward his heart!" Alice screamed.

I could hear it too, his heart was beating erratically, wildly

All of us rushed forward, but we were a second too late. Beau's back hit the arm of the sofa at an odd angle and there was sickening cracking sound. He bounced off the sofa arm, and fell, his knees making a similar cracking sound as they hit the floor.

Edward caught his head before it also hit the floor.

Beau's gasping cut off into a sickening, wet, gurgling noise.

"Beau? Beau?" Edward asked, and then his eyes unfocused, and panic shot across his features.

A half second later, Beau screamed.

It was not just a scream, it was a blood-curdling shriek of agony. The horrifying sound cut off with a gurgle, and his eyes rolled back into his head. His body twitched, arched in Edward's arms, and then Beau vomited a fountain of blood.