7

"My child, I have returned from beyond the grave to ask you one question," Ghost Dad says.

"Am I going to be visited by three spirits tonight?" you say.

"Enough with your strange references to literature!" Ghost Dad says. "I only want to ask you why you have limited yourself."

"Come on," you say. "I stole a bunch of money and also totally killed the costumed hero Matchless Man by myself and without any sort of outside help from my henchmen."

"Even those deeds are nothing compared to what I was capable of in my day," Ghost Dad says. A sneer passes over his green face. "When I was alive, I conquered continents."

You wish to argue that technically he only conquered Australia, which, while it does count as a continent, it is the smallest continent. But you know from many late-night lectures that it is useless to argue with Dad. No matter what you said, he always had the upper hand. There were two people who could beat Dad in an argument. One of them was the Filibuster, a villain with the amazing abilities of lecturing people for hours with no need for food, water, or bathroom breaks.

The other one was Mom.

"With your skills and technology," Ghost Dad says. "Why don't you conquer the world?"

"You don't want to take over the world because you are too lazy?" Ghost Dad says.

"Not lazy," you say. "Endeavor-reluctant."

Lazy Sounds Far Too Coarse

"I wanted to die knowing that my progeny would secure a tract on this world," Ghost Dad says. "So far, you have nothing but this island."

"But that's progress, isn't it?" you say.

"If you halt progress, it ceases to be progress, you dull rascal!" he says.

Wait a second. Isn't "dull rascal" a phrase that costumed heroes say all the time? You've heard Matchless Man say it on several occasions. He even said it during the bank robbery. Could it be some costumed hero is trying to exploit the memory of your dead father, Amadeus-style?

It's time to find out whoever this guy is. You know a few ways to subtly investigate Ghost Dad (if that really is his true name) without him knowing it.

Dad had been dead five years when you got your amazing Mind Hand powers in that lab accident. Well, lab-adjacent accident. "Kitchen accident" sounds like something Gordon Ramsay would scoff about. Regardless of where you got the powers, you learned your lesson: when handling toxic waste, always take off your gloves to eat a cheeseburger.

You roll your neck, then stretch out your hands. You concentrate on the one memory that can bring forth your spectacular powers:

The feeling of hopelessness and regret you had when you realized you accidentally bought tickets to "Dibbsney World."

Your hands glow a bright purple. Extending from your hand are invisible fingers that touch a vase across the room. You pick it up and throw it. It shatters against the wall.

"So you have powers. Big deal," Ghost Dad says. "Keen intelligence is the greatest quality of any villain."

When Dad stole the Sword of Freyr when you were in first grade, he fought the entire United States Army to a standstill from the living room sofa. To Dad, intelligence was a means to gain power only. Whoever this specter is, he is not your father.

And He Seems a Bit More Heroic Than Usual

This ghost dad is a fake! And considering that he said the words "dull rascal" earlier, a costumed hero has to be involved with this somehow, if not Matchless Man himself. But how, if he's dead? And why would Matchless Man tell you to take over the world? Isn't that antithetical to his whole hero thing?

The Fake Ghost Dad puts his hands on his hips. Yep, definitely a Matchless Man move.

"I grow tired of dancing around the issue. Will you take over the world or not?" he says.

Naturally, whoever it was that gave you this quest has a reason to distract you. There is no reason to make them think they haven't succeeded. You will have plenty of time to investigate this impostor and then unmask them.

As for taking over the world, you never thought you could be capable of such a thing. But, if your fake ghost dad thinks you can do it, then there's no reason you shouldn't be able to! Even if he is an impostor, it's clear he believes in you. Therefore, you must believe in his belief in you!

Thankfully, you can say this without having to replace a pane of glass.

"Taking over the world requires a scheme so effective that anyone could do it," Fake Ghost Dad says. "If your plan is too complex, and you become incapacitated, it will fail."

"Of course, Ghost Dad," you say. "And say hello to Ghost Grandma for me."

In a split second, Fake Ghost Dad vanishes. A soft wind rustles through your hair, then everything is still. You are alone, ready to grapple with your unholy quest, ready to undertake one of the most difficult challenges any villain must face: TAKING OVER THE WORLD!

Bring It On

Suddenly, the telephone in the corner of your office rings. The phone is red, with a big flashing light. Immediately, your head begins to hurt. When your mother built this phone years ago, she added a "headache" function, just to ensure you would pick up as fast as possible when she called. Even with your splitting migraine, the alarm-bell ring of the telephone sends a horrible shiver down your spine.

It was inevitable that Mom would have to discuss your conversation with Fake Ghost Dad with you. It is the biggest downside of having a mother with incredible powers: once in a while, one comes along with the amazing power of omniscience.

You answer the phone. An automated message plays: "This is Pseudonym County Prison. Thanks to being particularly well-behaved lately, life sentence-holder Gertrude Gripe the Great and Glamorous; a.k.a. Olivia Oracle, the Original Oracle of Orleans; a.k.a. Sylvia; may make several phone calls to her offspring. For our records, what is the name of the person she intends to call?"

When you were a child, your parents, being incredibly smart, named you: