10

Smartica steps back, and Tin-E Tam steps forward. Tam takes a crumpled piece of paper out of the pocket of their pants. They clear their throat.

"You may be wondering why we have chosen to go on strike now, of all times," they say.

The timing did seem strange to you. But then, everyone knows people should ask the boss for favors when things are going well.

"We killed Matchless Man," Tin-E Tam says. "While you were instrumental in the effort, the point still stands that we have achieved something spectacular. It is time that we fixed some of the complaints that some of us have had for years."

"But what could you possibly have to complain about?" you say.

"You barely pay us a living wage," Tin-E Tam says.

"Our name is stupid," Dead Horse says.

"The uniforms suck," a large henchman named Brutus says.

Yes, it hurts that your friends decided to confront you like this at the most inconvenient time. But then, if you take over the world, any time will be inconvenient. Plus, taking over the world is a difficult task, even for someone as self-motivated as you. You give a small sigh, paste a smile to your face, and pick up a chair. You flip it around and sit on it backwards, the way "cool, open" people do on TV.

Unfortunately, when you sit down, you feel something in your left inner thigh pop. Pain shoots up that leg. To compensate, you lean to the side, only for the other thigh to pop. Now, both thighs hurt, and you have already committed to sitting here. To sit there means to remain in pain. To stand means to no longer be cool. Ah, what a vain weathercock you are!

For Better or Worse, I Am Ready

Yes, you may be ready to negotiate, but disaster is soon to strike. From your distinct vantage point, you can see a barrel of waste teeters on the edge of a platform with no railing. You are shocked by the utter lack of safety in the laboratory. On your henchmen's part, of course.

A lack of railings is necessary in all villain lairs: they distract from the aesthetic of a good lab and are typically an eyesore. But, whoever placed that toxic waste barrel right next to the edge deserves to go through lab safety training again. You may have to give the offender a friendly reminder of why lab safety is important. To make matters worse, the barrel is right above Smartica! You have to think quickly to save her.

If you love Smartica as you truly say you do, then you will save her life. Failing to save her could result in pain in the future. Or pain now, if the barrel hits you.

No matter what decision you make, you have to make it fast.

And by "smashed," you do not mean "had a few too many margaritas." Though that is the kind of rhetoric you live for, where things mean other things, and you can promise the world without giving up anything. Sweet talk never turns sour, at least not until people realize how much you've taken from them. And by then, what can they do?

But what is the best way to bamboozle these henchmen? There are many variations on a con. You don't have enough time for a long con, unfortunately. The Albuquerque Shuffle is the one that relates most to the situation, but where could you possibly get all that ice cream at this hour? Perhaps you could wing it? Winging it never hurt you in the long run, though it has caused problems to spring up in the future.

A cry arises from the henchmen. You break away from the inner recess of your brain to realize Smartica has already moved out of the way of the barrel. Now, the closest person to the falling container of toxic waste is you.

Should Have Done the Albuquerque Shuffle

The barrel crashes against the floor. It makes a sizable dent in the tile of the lab, which will no doubt cost thousands of dollars to replace. Like a can of soda, the damaged barrel sprays toxic waste in all directions. The henchmen have moved far enough away to avoid the spray. You haven't.

The toxic waste sprays you in the face. The horrific burning you feel on your face is second only to the slow seeping of the acidic substance slowly reforming your bones into a horrifying new mutant face. With what is left of your lips, you whistle for your Med-Bots, your emergency medical team of floating robots. The Med-Bots slide out of the wall and surround you. They immediately clean the toxic waste off your face, then they stimulate your face with nanobots. The nanobots replace all the damaged tissue with new, artificial tissue.

Not only will you survive this, but the horrific mutation you were going through has stopped entirely. You are going to be okay, but, you are about 10% closer to becoming full robot.

"Is everyone all right?" Smartica says. Everyone gives a little mutter of affirmation.

She lets out a sigh and says, "Barring any future mishaps, I think we can continue with the discussion."

Enough barrels. Now, for better or worse, is the time to give up what you want so that someone else can have a little bit of what they want. Now is the time to compromise!

How Can I Be Evil and Compromise?

Tin-E Tam pulls out a pair of villain bifocals, which have reading glasses on top of the lens and X-ray specs on the bottom. Good thing you wore your lead-lined underwear today.

"Currently, the average employee makes around $10,000 a year," Tin-E Tam says.

"But I supplement that with company scrip," you say.

"Are you talking about Samir Tousi Bucks?" Dead Horse says. "They're so worthless, it costs us money to burn them!"

He did not just say that.

"Research shows that other workers with their level of training and expertise make an average of $50,000 a year," Smartica says. "With that money, they could live comfortably. And your Samir Tousi Store could start turning a profit."

You walk a delicate tight rope here, on which jumps a ten-year-old child with more circus experience than you. If you do not give your henchmen what they want, they could become disgruntled and possibly abandon you.

But, a Power Amplifier is a pricey investment. The more money you spend on your henchmen is less money you'll have for weapon development. You'll have to use lower-quality materials, you'll have to cut testing time in half, and you won't be able to secure a trademark for its name.