An angel in the kotatsu

December 31. New Year's Eve.

I was sitting under the blankets of our kotatsu table at

home, eating satsuma oranges. My head was filled with all

the changes that took place this past year. For someone like

me, who lived alone in a colorless world for most of my life,

those changes have been almost too vivid. The dazzling

colors and heart-shaking emotions were enough to take this

shy girl's breath away, yet everyday life has become so much

more fun.

What makes me happier than anything is knowing that

it's not the world that's changed—but me.

So there I was, holding a piece of satsuma in one hand

and my cell phone in the other. When did I start eating while

I was on my phone? Isn't that bad manners? Well, I don't

think I'd have experienced the excitement of waiting for a

message notification unless I lived in this new world, and

that feels important to me.

I had fruit in one hand, and my other hand was waiting

for a sweet message.

This mix of happiness and anxiety feels unnatural, but I

think in truth it's completely natural.

My world really has changed since the days when my

inferiority complex and uncertainty piled up like snow,

darkening my view. These days everything is so full of light.

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And what caused this change? The person my left hand is

waiting so eagerly to hear from.

"Fuka, Mom says she's not putting mochi in the soba

noodles!"

My little brother Riku came running out of the kitchen

and sat down next to me. He's in his first year of junior high,

four years younger than me, but we're still as close as ever.

It's hard to believe, since at school he's so outgoing he's even

head of school spirit for Athletics Day. I think he shows a

slightly different side of himself at home and at school.

Everyone does that, even me—we have different selves for

different situations.

"Mochi doesn't go in New Year's Eve soba!" I told him.

"Really? It doesn't?"

"No. It goes in the soup on New Year's Day."

"Ohhh, you're right!"

It's cute how easy it is to convince him of things. I stroked

his hair affectionately. "Stop it!" he said, but he didn't try to

escape, which makes me think he didn't actually hate it all

that much.

"By the way, Mom just told me something!"

"What'd she tell you?"

"That you have a boyfriend! Gross!"

"What…?"

I can't believe he just said that. I knew he'd tease me

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about it, which is why I didn't tell him in the first place, but

now that he found out, he's accusing me of things I'd never

do!

"I am not gross!"

"But having a boyfriend means you do that stuff, right?"

"N-no…I haven't done anything yet…"

My face was getting unbelievably hot. Just imagining it

makes me dizzy, but—

"Oooh, you said 'yet'!"

"R-Riku!"

He was right. What I said made it sound as if I assumed

we'd do that stuff at some point. On the other hand, it's not

as if it will never happen. I'd just been avoiding thinking

about it.

"D-don't say that!" I scolded him.

"Eeew, you're so gross!"

"S-stop it!"

I don't have the chance to practice conversations like this

at school very often, so he runs circles around me. I'm not

sure what to do about it. I think this is something only boys

talk about, so it's inevitable that I've got a thin skin on the

subject. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that so I don't feel

bad.

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"Riku! Come in here!" our mom called from the kitchen,

having overheard our conversation.

"What?" he called back a little grumpily. He stood up

reluctantly but nevertheless did as he was told. That's what's

so cute about him.

"Oh, Fuka, are you having soba with us?" he asked as he

was about to disappear into the kitchen.

"Yes!"

"How hungry are you? Should I give you a lot?"

"A normal serving is fine."

"Okay!"

With that, my mischievous, nosy brother went in to help

our mom serve up the food. I started to tidy up the kotatsu

table. Dad was shut up in his office because he said he

needed to finish up some work, but he does that every year,

so I'm sure he'll pop out half an hour before midnight.

It was already eleven. The year really was nearly over, and

I could sense the new one approaching.

After checking the time, I set my phone facedown on the

table and reached for the copy of On the Wings of the

Unknown that was sitting next to it. As I flipped through it,

red marks leaped out at me from every page. I'd marked it

up with notes so that my directions during rehearsals would

be clearer. Thinking back on it, I realized that everyone had

been working hard to realize my own personal vision. That

really was a gift. The script was evidence of that period in my

life, and it was the most valuable treasure imaginable to me.

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"Ah…"

My eyes happened to fall on a scene featuring Alucia, one

of the heroines. The red notes mentioned Natsubayashisan's direct gaze and Hinami-san's bloodcurdling

performance. The story I'd created came together onstage in

an unbelievably ideal way, and I'm certain it contained more

than the characters themselves.

I'd been trying to convey something in that scene. I read

through it again slowly.

"I don't think I have a favorite thing."

Alucia smiles sadly while speaking. Kris is flustered.

"What? I—I mean, you know so much! You're so good at

making things, and you're even great at magic! I bet you

like lots of things!"

"Not really. I've got royal blood, and one day, I have to

be queen… That's the only reason I work so hard. It's not

because I enjoy it."

"You said it's the only reason, but it's an amazing one!

Compared with you, I don't have anything."

"That's not true."

"I want to be like you, Alucia."

Alucia frowns.

"—Like me?"

Alucia stares at Kris.

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"I think your view of me is mistaken, Kris."

"It is?"

"I'm not the wonderful kind of person you think I am."

"What do you mean?"

"I have everything. But—"

Alucia turns to the audience.

"—that's exactly why…I have nothing."

As I read it, the performance of the scene streamed

through my mind, like a scratch mark throbbing in my heart.

The last line was particularly resonant. The vacancy of those

words was like a knife, as if they contained the true Alucia—

and even more. I felt as if Hinami-san herself had said those

words.

Or maybe I'm not saying it accurately. After all, I included

those lines specifically because I knew Hinami-san would be

playing the role.

"I wonder if I got it right after all…," I mumbled, thinking

back to the previous week.

Had I gone in too deep? I still didn't know.

* * *

"Fuka-chan?"

Hinami-san had approached me at the end of the party to

celebrate the school festival, amid the happy chatter of our

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classmates and the savory smell of charred sauce at the

okonomiyaki restaurant.

"…Hinami-san?"

I was quite surprised. On that day, I'd spoken with more

people than usual, and I'd begun to feel I was learning to

open up a little, but something about Hinami-san felt off

when she came up to me.

"Great job today…and on the script."

"Um…same to you. Great job playing Alucia."

The two of us were standing apart from everyone else, in

the hallway by the bathroom. She could have talked to me

anytime during the party, but the fact that she started the

conversation there indicated she wanted to talk alone.

"Thanks. The script was so good," she said smoothly, as if

the thought had just occurred to her, but I suspected she'd

planned to bring up the script from the start. I'm not sure

why I thought that. Maybe it was an intuition, maybe an

assumption, or maybe my own image of Alucia. Maybe even

the things Hinami-san said when Tomozaki-kun and I

interviewed her led me to that conclusion. Whatever the

answer, I sensed something at that moment.

"Thank you so much. It was difficult to write…but I think

it came out well."

"Ah-ha-ha. I'm glad to hear that."

She grinned and met my eyes. I'm not sure why—there

was nothing whatsoever in her expression to suggest an

ulterior motive—but it frightened me.

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"I thought it was really interesting, too."

She hadn't said anything strange. But there was

something in her tone—like the echo of water dripping in a

dark cave. A loneliness, a feeling of isolation.

"Thank you…so much."

"I wanted to ask you about Alucia…," she continued,

hardly waiting for me to finish my thank-you. Her

expression was cheerful and happy and friendly, but at the

same time, I didn't feel free to move away from her.

"Alucia is an empty person, isn't she?"

"…Yes."

"Interesting." She glanced down, then looked me in the

eye again. "And she pours herself into various things

because she's trying to fill that emptiness?"

"Yes."

The unexpected direction of the conversation startled me,

and I tried to figure out her motivation for asking me these

questions.

"I believe she said…that she had everything, which was

exactly why she had nothing."

"…Yes, that's right."

She glanced down again and swiftly licked her lips.

"Well, I interpreted that line in my own way during the

performance, but I was wondering what you meant when

you wrote it."

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Why was she asking me this? Of course, it could have

been pure curiosity, but I sensed that wasn't the case. After

all, I modeled the character on Hinami-san herself. When I

created Alucia, I knew it might shake her…and perhaps a

part of me even hoped that it would. The truth is, I was

interested in the thoughts and emotions of this seeming

sorceress who brought color to Tomozaki-kun's world—and

in the face beneath her mask.

"Um…"

That's why I chose my words so carefully. For myself as

well as for her, I wanted to explain my image of Alucia as

accurately as possible.

"Alucia…has nothing that she truly likes, so she can't

validate herself internally," I said, using the mask of the

story's main character. "That's why she wants some kind of

proof that she's on the right path."

"Proof?"

I nodded. "For example, it would be easy to believe that

some made-up story proved her worth, but she's too strong

for that and too smart… She can't believe in flimsy fairy

tales."

"And that's why she strives to be the best in martial arts

and academics?"

I nodded again. "…Yes. She finds meaning in the things

that the world tells her are valuable."

"Interesting… I see."

She frowned, glancing away for a second. I can guess why,

but I don't know the real reason.

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"And…does Alucia realize that about herself?"

I hesitated for a moment, but I had an answer.

"I think…she does realize it. She knows she looks perfect

from the outside, but in reality, she has nothing. That's

exactly why she confesses the truth to Kris."

Hinami-san nodded, a satisfied look in her eye.

"So that's what those lines meant."

"…Yes," I said. "That's what it meant about Alucia."

She nodded silently several times before responding.

"Why did she become like that? Why did she end up so

empty, without anything she liked?"

Answering that question was slightly difficult. I didn't

know why she was asking, for one thing, but the reason was

only something I imagined for the story. Nevertheless, I

tried to explain it to her as accurately as I could.

"I think…it's because she was born into the royal family."

"The royal family, huh?"

This was all in the realm of imagination. "She was born to

be a queen, so everything she does is assigned an external

value of good or bad."

I asked myself, if there was a girl somewhere in the world

who was empty inside…

"She had to constantly ask herself, not 'what do I want to

do,' but 'what is the correct thing for a princess to do?' That

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way of thinking was firmly rooted in her."

…What sort of environment could have produced that

mental state and value system?

"I think the only goal she was able to find for herself was

submitting to the rules of that world."

I tried as hard as I could to imagine, and to get to the

deepest part of the character's heart.

"But when she stopped believing in that world, she was

left with…nothing."

I tied all the pieces together in my own world and wove

them into a story.

"So she ended up hollow inside…"

That was how I understood Alucia's motivation.

Hinami-san blinked in apparent surprise.

"…It's amazing that you thought so deeply about it." She

glanced down pensively, then redirected her powerful gaze

at me. "You said you did some interviews…didn't you?"

"Um…yes."

This was another unexpected turn in the conversation.

She was asking about the interviews Tomozaki-kun and I

conducted about her own past.

"Did you learn anything? About me…and my

circumstances?"

What came to mind first was her younger sister. But we

hadn't heard anything specific. Only that she'd had two

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younger sisters, who she was close with in elementary

school, but by middle school, one of them had disappeared. I

didn't know exactly what had happened, only that something

surely had. I didn't know how open I should be, but I

decided to tell her the truth.

"I heard that your younger sister—"

"You heard?"

Her voice ripped the air. I was truly shocked. The look on

her face at that moment was exactly the same as Alucia's the

first time she saw the dragon: sharp, unwavering, and strong

enough to strangle me. Those eyes, so black they took my

breath away, pierced my heart.

"N-no…only fragments and speculations…"

"What fragments?"

"Um…only that when we talked to your friends from

elementary school and from junior high, they talked about

different sisters…"

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"…I see."

"I—I…I'm sorry… It's none of my business."

She stared at me expressionlessly for a moment, and very

briefly, her black eyes wavered.

"Does Tomozaki-kun know?"

"…Yes."

"Really. I see."

That was all she said. After that, her usual expression

returned.

"Oh, I'm sorry to bring this up so suddenly. The play

really was wonderful! Excellent work, really!"

"Th-thank you."

"Well, I'll be off, then!"

She turned and walked away, leaving me feeling

incredibly uneasy.

* * *

I looked down, realizing I'd dropped the piece of satsuma

orange I'd been holding.

"Oops…"

Luckily, it fell onto the peel, so I picked it up, stared at it

for a moment, then popped it into my mouth.

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Thinking back on my conversation with Hinami-san had

brought up a mix of emotions. I'd fleshed out Alucia's

character with her in mind. Was it really the right decision

to talk about her inner story with Hinami-san? Should we

have conducted those interviews about Hinami-san's past,

delving into her personal history? Once something was

discovered, it couldn't be hidden again. What did she really

think? Only she knew the answer to that question. But if

you're going to poke around in someone's personal life, you

have to be ready for the consequences. Had I thought

enough about that beforehand?

"Fuka, the soba's ready!" Riku called from the kitchen,

breaking my reverie. Returning to reality, I called back.

"Great, thanks!"

I went into the kitchen, and we each picked up two bowls

of soba to bring back to the kotatsu. The fragrance of the

smoky broth, the pieces of duck perched atop the warm

noodles, and the wisps of steam rising from the bowls were

the perfect accompaniment to the end of the year. Dad

appeared from his room to join us, Mom came out from the

kitchen, and the whole family settled in around the kotatsu

table.

"What a year this was," Dad said.

"Yes, it certainly was a roller-coaster ride! To think that

Riku became head of the school spirit squad and Fuka wrote

a play for the school festival!" Mom added.

"I'm sorry I couldn't go to your play, Fuka. Was it a

success?"

"Yes, it was. I have the script if you'd like to read it."

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"I'd love to read it later. After work calms down a bit…

maybe at the end of January…"

"Tee-hee. You sure are busy, Dad."

Moments like this with my family mean more to me than

anything in the world.

After we ate our soba, we waited for the clock to strike

twelve.

"Fuka, it's almost midnight!"

"Oh, you're right…twenty more seconds!"

In a prayerful mood, I watched the numbers count down

on the TV screen. This really was a wonderful year—and

that's why I wanted the next one to be even better.

And I wasn't just wishing—I was determined to make it

that way.

With less than ten seconds left until midnight, Riku

started shouting out the numbers excitedly.

"Four, three, two, one!"

"Happy New Year!"

All four of us clapped our hands, welcoming the new year.

We do the same thing every year, but somehow, the scene

this time seemed to be splashed with more color than usual.

"…Oh!"

Just then, my phone buzzed. I looked down.

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[Happy New Year, Kikuchi-san.

I'm looking forward to visiting the shrine with you

tomorrow.]

It was the LINE message from Tomozaki-kun that I'd

been waiting for. I squeezed my phone.

"Ewww, you're acting so girly! Gross!"

"I t-told you…"

"Gross…?! Fuka, what is your brother talking about?" Dad

asked.

"Riku, I told you to keep it a secret from your father!"

"A s-secret?! F-Fuka, what is this s-s-secret?!"

"Um…it's not…"

"What's n-n-not?!"

"Darn it, Riku!"

And so my New Year began, a little more chaotically than

usual but full of exciting hopes.

I glanced out the window. In the light shining from inside,

I saw that the heavy snow piled thickly on the garden had

melted clear away.