1 Episode 1

*Episode 1*

The halls of Ouran Academy were quiet. Footsteps echoed along the tile floors and the tall ceilings. One lone student walked in a straight line down the middle of one of these hallways, a small pile of textbooks bundled up in their arms. The student came across a pair of huge, ornately decorated double doors and stopped. With pursed lips, the student grasped one of the handles and pulled, easing it open just a crack.

Instantly the hallway was flooded with noise. On the other side of the door was a library teeming with students. Boys and girls gathered in small clusters around the windows and tables, a few of them idly fiddling with books but most not bothering with the false notion of completing schoolwork. The student still standing in the hallway sighed and shut the doors with a muffled bang.

That's the fourth library I've come across and I still haven't found a quiet place to study.

Haruhi scowled as she moved on, softly muttering to herself as she continued to wander around the top floor of the South Wing. It was only her third day attending the prestigious Academy and Haruhi still hadn't managed to establish a rhythm in her new environment.

She passed another pair of doors and stopped just long enough to pick out violin notes dancing out from behind them before continuing on. In her mind, she continued to lament her situation.

I mean, if these kids don't want to study then that's on them. But why do they have to socialize everywhere? Isn't there one quiet place in this school for those of us who can't just coast through the lessons?

Suddenly, a voice that was not Haruhi's own slipped into her mind, chiding her gently.

Oh, come on, Haru! No need to be so sharp! Just because you can't see them studying doesn't mean they aren't working hard, either. Besides, you've got a lot riding on your study habits. They don't. You'll just have to think outside of the box.

The voice of Haruhi's older sister, even if it only existed in her mind, still managed to ease the muscles in her shoulders. The tension fizzled out and she sighed again, with less force than before. She turned another corner and stared out the windows as she walked. It was getting close to sunset, the orange sunlight gently floated through the glass and onto the floor. Haruhi gladly soaked in the warmth.

Whatever I may think of the students in this place, whoever designed the school definitely knew what they were doing… wait. Where am I?

Fumbling with the map she had tucked away in her pant pocket, Haruhi tried to make heads or tails of where she'd ended up. While not the most skilled in map reading, Haruhi made up for it through sheer force of will and necessity. It would do her no good if she ended up finding the perfect place to study only to never find it again, she reasoned.

Let's see… there's the library I just checked. Then I went up that flight of stairs and took a right, then another right… aha! I could see the clock tower out those windows! Which means I'm in this hallway with all of these music rooms. I guess that explains the string instruments I heard earlier.

Haruhi lowered the map and found herself staring up at yet another pair of large doors. There was nothing significant about them. They were just as grand as anything else in the school. The sign that hung above them read 'Music Room 3'. Haruhi crept forward and leaned her left ear closer. But as much as she strained, she couldn't hear a peep coming from the room beyond.

Crossing her fingers, Haruhi grabbed the door handle and pulled it open. She had to have found a quiet spot. After all, no one could be that quiet. Right?

Wrong.

"Welcome!"

Seeing six boys sitting in a beautiful room that she had entirely expected to be empty was a shock. But when Haruhi's brain jarringly registered that all six of them were extremely handsome? It was a miracle that Haruhi's heart didn't stop then and there. Of course, her knees nearly gave out all the same and she had to turn around and clutch at the door knob to keep herself standing.

Behind her, she heard two voices scoff in unison, "It's only a guy. We told you the girls never come in this early."

"Hey, zip it! Men are valuable patrons, too!"

"They are?"

"Of course. Welcome to the Ouran Host Club, Haruhi Fujioka."

Haruhi's breath caught in her lungs. She had stumbled into a Host Club? Of all the clubs! And how did he know her name?

As if reading her thoughts, the boy continued saying, "You're the new scholarship student we've heard so much about. You're a rare creature in this place."

Not wanting to come across rude, even though every fiber in her being was begging Haruhi to get out of that room, she managed to turn around and face the club she had intruded on. She could see now that the club members had been gathered around a single armchair, with a blond boy she didn't recognize sitting down when she had first arrived. Now, however, the blond was standing.

Figuring he was the one who'd been talking to her, she directed her question to him. "I'm sorry, what did you call me?"

A different boy, this one with black hair and the only one wearing glasses, spoke up next. "Our president is referring to the fact that Common Folk such as yourself don't easily fit into the elegant culture here at Ouran. As a scholarship student, you must have pretty thick skin and mulish stubbornness just to make it through the entrance exam process, let alone achieve anything while you're a student here. After all…" The boy chuckled, like he just thought of something funny. "If no one knows you, it's an uphill climb to be noticed, don't you think?"

In an instant, whatever attraction Haruhi might have felt at their appearances went down the drain.

It's like the opposite of a geode, she thought idly. Pretty and shiny on the outside, hard and unappealing on the inside. Lord help any poor person they sweet-talk before showing their true colors.

"I'll have you know I'm not the first scholarship student to pass your school's entrance exams."

"Ah, are you referring to last year? Yes, that scholarship student in particular didn't even make it to the first day, electing to attend elsewhere. I suppose some just can't handle the pressure."

Haruhi opened her mouth to snap back, but was interrupted by the first boy, the blond, grabbing her shoulders. His face was suddenly far too close for comfort and she was unable to stifle a squeak.

"Yes! Exactly! You're a trail-blazer, Haruhi Fujioka! Welcome, Pauper, to the Realm of Wealth! Top student in your class, and yet you're poorer than a church mouse. Some may call you a weed, or despise your low-class status, not that there's anything wrong with poverty, of course, and yet here you are! You're a true crusader with a reckless heart!"

Haruhi's mouth was hanging open as the boy finished, which was all well and good because if she allowed her lips to move they'd probably form a sentence she'd regret.

What is with these boys?

So far, the only shred of intelligence she'd seen from these boys was from the glasses-wearing character, and he'd spent half of his little speech insulting her and then her sister. It was underwhelming, to say the least. But, to her horror, the blond in front of her still wasn't done.

"We'd heard the rumor that you're a man lover, but we hadn't expected you to come forward so soon!"

Haruhi's back went ramrod straight. "A what?"

"So… what's your type? We have a wide selection here for you to enjoy! Do you prefer the 'Wild' type? 'Boy Lolita'? Or…"

Haruhi felt a hand cup her chin, fingers stroking at the soft skin lining her throat before her face was steered upwards. The blond leaned forward, like he was about to kiss her. His breath fanned across her lips as he asked, "Am I more your speed?"

"No! It's not like that!" Haruhi's protests came out like air escaping a tire, high pitched and oddly narrow sounding, yet tinged with desperation. She jumped away from the boy only to bump into someone else. She spun around, then looked down.

A really short boy had latched himself onto her right arm. He beamed up at her before starting to babble, "Are you really a crusader, Haru-chan? That's so cool! Do you have tales of rescuing princesses? I'd love to-"

"What's with the 'Chan'?"

The small boy took a frantic step back, tears welling in his big puppy-dog eyes that were already jerking at her heartstrings. Feeling her anxiety climbing to peak levels, Haruhi stumbled backwards in what she assumed was the direction of the door. She kept her eyes on the tall blond in front of her, lest he try to grab her again.

"Look, I was just trying to find a quiet place to study! Clearly that's not here, so if you would please excuse me-"

Something hard knocked into Haruhi's hip, nearly knocking her over. She glanced down and saw the pedestal she'd bumped into. Something bright blue caught the corner of her eye.

CRAAASH!

The room took in a collective breath as they stared at the pile of shards on the floor. All the blood on Haruhi's body dropped to her toes.

"Oh dear…" one of the twins drawled. "That vase was by Rune. It was supposed to be the featured item in the next school auction."

His brother picked up the thread, dropping his chin onto a fist. "The bidding was going to start at eight million yen, but I have a feeling it won't fetch that now. Welp, there goes our starting funds for the club this year."

Haruhi's ears were ringing. "Eight million yen? You just had that laying around?"

The twins leveled a glare at her, so she quickly added on, "I'll pay for it! I'm so sorry!"

"Oh, you'll pay for it. Right, sure you will."

"You can't even afford a school uniform, but you'll hand over that eight million you just flushed down the drain without a problem."

With every word Haruhi felt like more and more of her existence was deteriorating. How much can my internal organs go for on the black market, again? How much is a kidney?

The tall blond who had been harassing her calmly walked back to the chair he'd been posing in earlier, collapsing into the cushion. He stared at Haruhi, almost looking disappointed. The glasses-wearing boy was by his side, examining a shard of the vase like it was somehow more interesting now than when it had a starting value of eight million. He leaned over and muttered something to the blond, who nodded slowly. Haruhi gulped when the two of them stopped whispering to each other and refocused on her.

"Well, Fujioka… are you familiar with the saying 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do'?" The blond's smile turned creepy when Haruhi managed a nod. "Good. Today you're going to learn a new saying. 'If you don't have the cash, pay with your carcass'. As of today, you're the Host Club's dog!"

Haruhi could feel her soul escaping out of her mouth.

Mom… after all that work to get into the school. To be with Nēchan in a place where we could be ourselves and really excel in life. And I wind up being a servant to these morons! How will I explain this to Dad and Nēchan?

The blond clapped his hands together, bright shining smile back in place. "Alright everyone, back in place! Our guests will be here in no time! Fujioka, your first chore as our errand boy will be to sweep up the remains of your… little accident. After that, please wander around the edge of the room until one of us calls for you."

Haruhi's body moved on autopilot for the following half hour. She kept her head down and mouth shut as she swept up the broken vase and threw it out. When she returned from the dumpsters, the Host Club's guests had arrived. With no further instructions and the overwhelming fear and guilt keeping her from running far, far away, Haruhi chose to take this opportunity to see how a Host Club operated. If she was honest, she was a little curious to see the difference between how they treated her versus their guests.

"Where will you take me for the summer, Tamaki?"

"Wherever you wish to go."

No.

"What's your favorite kind of music?"

"Whatever you like, I like."

Stop.

"I baked a cake today. Would you like to try a piece?"

"If you feed it to me."

By that point, Haruhi was stuck between wanting to throw up or throw something at Tamaki Suoh, which was apparently the tall blond's name. Seriously, how could anyone fall for that? Let alone 7 out of 10 girls at this school? He called me a dog not even an hour ago!

The Hitachiin twins were actually Haruhi's classmates. With their wild red hair, Haruhi was stumped as to how she hadn't immediately recognized them. Then again, in class the boys were remarkably reserved. In the Host Club, however, they were no better than Tamaki. At first they were just talking normally with their guests, but then the older one, Hikaru, started a story that Kaoru, his brother, was apparently embarrassed by.

Haruhi turned and walked away when Hikaru pulled Kaoru's face closer by his chin. "You guys live in a world all your own..." she said.

She went to round one of the many columns that lined the edge of the room and found herself blocked by the glasses-wearing boy from earlier, Kyoya Ootori. He smirked down at her and Haruhi knew her comment had not been missed.

"Perhaps…" he mused. "Or perhaps not. Our actions might be strange to a newcomer such as yourself, but there is a method to this madness. We simply apply our individual talents to meet the needs of our guests. We give them what they want, and they keep coming back. You, on the other hand, Fujioka-san, have a slightly different job. While you remain as our 'Dog', you'll take care of simple chores. Cleaning up, bringing tea and pastries to the hosts and their guests, and small shopping trips will be the general idea, and you will do so until you've paid off your debt."

Maybe Nēchan can help get me a passport...

"Oh, and I suppose you can try to run away or refuse, but please be aware that my family's reach is far and wide. You have a passport, I trust?"

No, but I sure want one now.

Unlike Tamaki, Haruhi couldn't get a good read on Kyoya. One minute he was calm and the voice of reason, keeping the club running smoothly without even lifting a finger, but the very next second he was giving her a Devil's smile and spewing very thinly-veiled threats.

These boys are literally insane!

A familiar, unwanted voice spoke up from behind her. "Well, Fujioka-san... looks like you've got eight million yen worth of chores to do and not much to offer the ladies." Haruhi went to roll her eyes, but a sudden puff of warm air touching the back of her neck cut everything off. She jumped and scurried away, glaring back at a smug-looking Tamaki.

"Don't do that."

"Huh. Don't like that technique?"

"No!"

"Hey, no need to be so uptight! You may be our 'Dog', but that doesn't mean I can't practice my charms on you every once in a while."

Haruhi glared harder. "Well, don't! I don't care for your 'charms' or whatever you call them. Man or woman, handsome or not, it shouldn't matter. It's what's inside that matters. A handsome face means nothing if you're an ugly person on the inside." She raised her chin, hoping that the blond would get the hint that she really didn't want to be associated with him.

"Huh... I guess that's true. And so cruel!" Tamaki pressed the back of his hand against his forehead and continued saying, "God has given so many people only one or the other, but decided to grant me beauty both inside and out! Not to brag, of course, but it's so cute how you attempt to console yourself like that! Another triumph of the Ouran Commoner!"

He's so... so... oh, what's the word? Bothersome? No... I'm looking for something more plain. Oh!

"That's it!"

"That's what?"

"You're annoying!"

Haruhi blinked and Tamaki was no longer in front of her. Somehow, in the blink of an eye, he had managed to fit himself beneath one of the end tables, hunched over in a little ball. If Haruhi didn't know any better, she'd think he was trying to hide. But no, the truth was worse. He was sulking.

Serves him right, she thought to herself, but she couldn't make herself believe the words. Damn my soft heart.

"Um… Tamaki-senpai? I-"

"King."

…What?

"Call me 'King'. That's what they call me here. Call me that or I won't listen."

Haruhi took a breath and opened her mouth, ready to inform Tamaki that she would not ever call him 'King'. Only for the twins to approach and roughly remove the end table from above the blond's head, trodding on his fingers while sarcastically calling him 'Majesty' and 'Your Royalness'. Even Kyoya, when he approached Tamaki to inform him of his ever growing list of requests for the day, called him 'Sire' with a heavily mocking tone.

Huh… maybe if they show off their sarcastic sides more often, I can get a foothold in this place. I may not speak 'rich people', but Nēchan and I are plenty fluent in sarcasm.

On the other side of the room, Haruhi noticed the last two hosts who had yet to notice Tamaki's shattered ego. The third years, Mitsukuni Haninozuka and Takeshi Morinozuka. Though, apparently everyone called them Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai.

"Who came up with their nicknames," she wondered aloud to no one in particular. At the third year's table, Mori was fussing with Honey's crooked tie while the smaller boy wiggled about. A faint memory tickled the back of Haruhi's skull. They look kinda familiar…

"Who, Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai?" Tamaki stepped into Haruhi's line of sight, not reacting when she jumped as a result. "Some of their guests took to calling them by nicknames and the rest of us followed suit. Why so interested?"

Haruhi, deciding not to mention any possible tie between her and some of the rich people at this school, scrambled for an excuse. "I, uh… it's just weird to think of Honey-senpai as a third year student. And Mori-senpai hasn't said a word since I showed up. Not even to his guests."

Tamaki shrugged in response. "Looks can be deceiving. Honey is actually our oldest member, and Mori's draw at the club is his silence. At least for the most part. He's more of a man of action."

"Uh huh." Haruhi peered around Tamaki to get one more look at the pair. She definitely hadn't spoken to either of them before today, that much she was sure of. But their names…

Giving up for the time being, she sighed and switched topics. "You know, all I wanted was to find a quiet place to study. Instead, I found a Host Club. Of all the rotten luck-"

"Oh yeah, you mentioned that before. Why didn't you just go home after classes?"

"At my dad's job, he either works the opening or closing shift, so his sleep schedule is all over the place. On weekdays he ends up sleeping mostly in the middle of the day so I didn't want to disturb him. It's the least I can do, really. He did raise me and my older sister all by himself for ten years." Haruhi smiled to herself, despite present company. Why she was spilling her home situation to this prick was a mystery even to herself, but at least talking about her little family always made Haruhi feel better. No matter what.

Tamaki pressed a finger to his chin in consideration. "Sounds like a pathetic sort of situation."

"...What?"

Again, out of nowhere, Tamaki grabbed Haruhi by the shoulders and started shouting like he was performing in a Broadway musical. "Did you subsist on rice and horseradish?! So poor that you and your sister even considered selling yourselves to a… a mean Master who would've overworked you and left you crying into your pillow night after night?!"

"What are you talking about," Haruhi screamed back.

Tamaki released her, thankfully, and started patting at his eyes with a handkerchief. "Oh, I'm sorry. I've gotten hooked on reruns of 'Oshin' lately. You could very well be living it-"

"Well, I'm not, so stop freaking out!"

As suddenly as he started, Tamaki stopped crying. He tilted his jaw up a little and donned a more confident smile. Haruhi was starting to get whiplash from his constant emotional back-and-forths.

"Very well, Fujioka," he said. "I'll cut you a deal. Your appearance might make the situation completely hopeless, but I'm still willing to try my best to teach you. Let's see… we'll make the goal… one hundred! If you can garner one hundred customer requests, I'll waive your debt to the Host Club! You'll be the star host for all the girls who love 'Oshin'!"

"I…"

I don't want toooo!

*Time Skip*

"I'm sorry to keep you waiting-"

"NO! No, no no! Wrong!"

"Ouch!" Haruhi jumped back, holding a hand to her head. "What was that for?"

Tamaki ignored the outburst, snatching up the water glass Haruhi had just set down. "When you put the glass down, cushion the bottom with your pinkie! It eliminates harsh sounds and shows more grace! See?" Tamaki lifted the glass against the side of his face, his pinkie curled along the bottom. "Don't I look classy? And I can even see my reflection in the side of the glass!"

That's one big ego you've got there.

"Oh! And if you find yourself grasping for words, looking at your guest from below is highly effective." Tamaki ducked down beside Haruhi and did just that, keeping his eyes half lidded. "I hope my hands-on lessons aren't too distracting for you."

"Not at all."

Apparently, Haruhi had a secret talent for hitting Tamaki where it hurt, because he went right back to his sulking corner for the second time that afternoon. For a moment Haruhi considered leaving him there, if only to have a minute or two away from him. But with thirty or so girls watching them from every corner of the club room and whispering behind their hands, Haruhi had no choice but to perform some sort of damage control. She wouldn't gain any customer requests if they thought she was a bully.

"I guess… my heart skipped a little."

Haruhi didn't get to see Tamaki's reaction to her pathetic attempt at reassurance, because just then a small, solid weight slammed into her lower back, almost sending her face-first into the ground.

"Haru-chan!" Honey gave Haruhi's waist another squeeze before skipping around to stand in front of her, grabbing her right hand and swinging it back and forth. "Haru-chan, if you and Tama-chan are done for today, do you wanna come have some cake with me and Takeshi?"

"Um, sorry, Honey-senpai. But I think Tamaki-senpai is just taking a… a break. Maybe some other time?"

"Okay! Then, here! You can hold Usa-chan!"

Honey merrily presented the pink stuffed bunny in Haruhi's face before pushing it into her arms. Haruhi stared down at the stuffed animal. A part of her brain, the more cynical side, warned her to keep her distance from all the crazy people in the club. And that included the seemingly friendly ones. However… 'Usa-chan' was pretty darn cute. Haruhi opened her mouth to say so out loud, but was interrupted by an approaching Kyoya, the boy staring down at the black journal he always seemed to be holding.

"Haruhi? As beneficial as it is for you to get along with our club members, we need you to make a trip to the nearby market. We're running low on some supplies." Kyoya hummed to himself and scribbled something in the journal, muttering softly as he did. "Perhaps we should start ordering an extra case with our shipments. If it's going to be more popular this year… Oh, and you'll need this."

He pressed a golden credit card into the palm of Haruhi's hand before walking away, still keeping his eyes firmly on the journal. Haruhi closed her eyes and counted backwards from ten before passing the stuffed bunny back to its owner. As presumptuous as they all were, any opportunity for her to get away from the club, however briefly, was a gift from above.

Maybe her mother had pulled some strings?

Haruhi rushed off to the nearest supermarket, finally alone with her thoughts and a scant shopping list. She did her best to find all the different flavors Kyoya had tasked her with finding, but the idiot hadn't even bothered to write what brands for her to look for. In the end, she just grabbed the first jar she saw of every flavor they specified and threw it in her basket.

She rationalized her decision while standing in the check-out lane. If you think about it, whether I spend five or fifty minutes searching for their coffee stuff today, I'll end up making the wrong choice at least once if I'm lucky. Better for me to make this a quick trip and let them look everything over. They'll question why I didn't buy the 'such-and-such' brand and I'll know for next time. Unless they decide to never send me out shopping again.

Or maybe they'll do something completely out of left field. I've already established that they're all crazy.

Nēchan's voice drifted into her mind once more, a memory of her saying that all the best people in the world are often 'crazy'. Haruhi shook her head before brandishing the credit card for the sales clerk. Somehow, she didn't think Nēchan's version and the Host Club's version of 'crazy' were very compatible. Theories of how the club would react to her sister occupied Haruhi all the way back to school, temporarily distracting her from how badly she wanted to run in the opposite direction.

She barely made it three steps into the club room before she was viciously reminded.

"Ah! Our little kitten is back from shopping! Did you get everything on the list?"

Lower eyelid twitching from the 'kitten' comment, Haruhi struggled to hand the paper bag over to Tamaki rather than throw it at him. Through gritted teeth, she managed to say, "You guys wanted coffee. Here."

Oblivious to the anger radiating off of Haruhi's form, Tamaki smiled at her bright and attempted to pat her head, which she ducked around. Temper dangerously close to the brim, Haruhi started to walk away. Only to hear Tamaki let out a sound of surprise, making her stop short.

"Eh? What's this?"

"Coffee." Can't you read?

"But... ground coffee? And it's not even a brand I'm familiar with."

"Ground? No, it's instant coffee."

Tamaki stared at her for a moment, his lips forming slowly around the word 'instant' before he shouted, "WOAH! Is this the kind where you just pour in hot water? How proletarian!" He clutched the jar in his hands like he had just realized it was a huge diamond, showing the label to the hosts and guests starting to gather round, everyone staring at the jar in wonder.

"I've heard of it, but I've never actually seen it before..."

"So it's true! Poor people don't even have the time to grind their beans!"

"Let's brew some up and try it!"

"It's amazing how common folk cope!"

Hardly able to take it, Haruhi clenched her fists and stomped her right foot. "Okay! Enough! I get it! You want your expensive coffee? Fine! Give me back the instant stuff and I can go exchange it! Sorry for wanting to save you guys a little extra money!" To her bewilderment, the hosts brushed off her demands. Apparently, after his initial surprise, Tamaki actually wanted to try the instant coffee. The guests surrounding him applauded, commending Tamaki for his "bravery". Haruhi was ready to rip out the rest of her hair and scream.

"You don't have to worry, they're only messing around. It's not like that junk will suit their tastes."

Haruhi looked behind her. A lone girl with dark red, almost maroon-colored hair, sat by herself on a nearby couch. She was the only guest not currently gathered around Tamaki and his can of instant coffee, and she didn't look like she was about to join them any time soon. The girl took a delicate sip of tea and peered coldly at Haruhi over the lip of her teacup.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki's voice sliced through the tension without care. "Come over here and make us some instant coffee!"

For the first time since stumbling into the club room, Haruhi didn't hesitate to follow orders. A few seconds ago, if she had been asked to choose between being near Tamaki or some random girl she didn't know, there would've been no contest. But there was something about this girl that put Haruhi on edge. There was something deeply unsettling about the tone she used when calling the instant coffee "junk". It almost sounded like she meant it as an insult for Haruhi rather than the product itself. But that couldn't be it. Haruhi couldn't jump to conclusions out of nowhere.

"Haruhi?"

"Ah! Coming!"

Haruhi quickly made the drink, something that also came as a big surprise to the hosts and guests alike. What they thought the word "instant" meant, Haruhi had no clue. Still, as the hosts began handing the teacups to their guests, Haruhi moved to Tamaki's side and nudged his arm with her elbow.

"I'm not going to take responsibility if they don't like it," she said. It wasn't an entirely unnecessary comment, as the girls were already doubling back on their earlier statements of wanting a taste. Some of them looked especially hung up about it. Haruhi resisted the very strong urge to roll her eyes. Seriously? It's coffee! It's not that big of a deal if you drink it or not!

Beside her, Tamaki let out a sigh. "Oh, ye of little faith." He gave her a wink before setting down his own cup of coffee and swaggering over to the nearest girl, cupping her face and leaning in close. He dropped his voice an octave and said, "Would you rather drink it from my mouth?"

The girl squealed, as did the other guests, before they all held a toast and took their first taste. Most seemed surprised, though by what Haruhi had no idea, and soon enough most were asking for seconds. Haruhi spent the last hour of club activities making and serving 'commoner's coffee' to the customers.

It had been a long time since she'd been so happy to go home after school.

"Listen up, men! Today, we investigate the ramen of the common folk!"

Haruhi stared blankly, her mouth agape as Tamaki began assigning different flavors to the hosts. Wait... investigate ramen? What does this have to do with hosting? What's his game?

"And now, I shall turn you over to our instructor! Haruhi!"

Before the poor girl knew what had happened, she was standing in the middle of the host club's kitchenette, directing the boys in making ramen... of all things. They complained about everything and questioned the instructions both on the packaging and from Haruhi herself. Seriously! How do they expect to make it in the real world if they can't even cook ramen?

Someone tapped her shoulder from behind and said in a very low voice, "The seasoning got stuck on the lid..."

The new voice almost had Haruhi jumping out of her shoes. She spun around and saw that it was Mori-senpai. After knowing each other for a full twenty-four hours, that was the first time she had heard his voice. It fit him well. Quickly, and trying her best not to stare at the very tall boy, Haruhi explained how to get around the little problems he had. Mori-senpai was a good listener, nodding along to her demonstration and copying her motions carefully, if occasionally heavy-handedly.

On the other hand...

"Now, that's skill! How marvelous! May I physically express how moved I am? A thank-you kiss, perhaps?"

"Please don't."

Her dismissal gave Tamaki pause, probably because he'd never experienced one before, which left a good opening for the twins to express their opinion.

"Hmmm... something's not right here, is it, Kaoru?"

"Yeah. A poorly balanced equation, indeed."

"Now, women are definitely attracted to good-looking gay guys for sure, and a tension between friendship and love can work..."

"...but it takes a pair of twins like us to crank that sort of thing up to the maximum danger level."

"To be loved by two men who have such a close relationship... ah, what stimulation..."

"The ultimate romance, wouldn't you say?"

The twins crouched down on either side of Haruhi and caressed her face in identical motions very similar to how Tamaki had 'greeted' her yesterday. Haruhi felt like she was about to throw up her own heart. This was way out of her comfort zone.

Thankfully for her blood pressure, they sighed and pulled away. "But then again, it's impossible for the image to work around you since all participating parties have to be drop-dead gorgeous."

Why must I even participate in the first place?! She questioned. Then, after a beat, WAY TO CALL ME UGLY IN PASSING, YOU JERKS!

"Huh... your glasses visually enlarge your eyes, don't they? They're really block-like, too. Old-fashioned like your outfit. Perhaps if we removed them…"

"Hey!" She made a grab for her glasses, but the world had already regressed into a bunch of blobs, leaving her grasping at air. "Look, I accidentally rubbed one of my contacts out during the admissions ceremony and haven't had time to replace them yet! Give those back! Those frames were my grandfather's!"

No one responded, but she saw a Tamaki-colored blob raise a hand. The sharp sound of snapping fingers preceded an equally sharp command. "Hikaru! Kaoru!"

"Yes, sir!"

The twins, she assumed, grabbed her shoulders and practically threw Haruhi into a nearby chair. The sound of scissors snipping away at her hair followed soon after. If she wasn't so concerned about getting her ears cut off in the process, Haruhi would've squirmed a lot more in protest.

"W-what are you doing?"

"Don't worry."

"We're pros at this."

Somehow, she doubted that. Baldness was coming into fashion, right?

As she sat as still as possible, Haruhi listened as Tamaki stalked around the room ordering the other boys around. The moment the twins stopped cutting her hair, Kyoya handed her a box with a school uniform in it and Mori pressed a box of contacts into her hand. Without much preamble, Honey shoved her out of the chair and into yet another small room at the back of the club room. She squinted, trying to make out her surroundings. There were yellow curtains lining the left side, and a number of mirrors along the right.

A changing room? Was this one of the old locker rooms for instruments? This is supposed to be a music room, right?

"Hurry up and change, Haru-chan! We wanna see!"

Sighing, left with no choice in the matter, Haruhi walked into one of the curtained-off areas and shut herself inside. Thankfully, there was another mirror waiting inside which made putting in the contacts that much easier. With that taken care of and tabling the question of how they found her prescription so quickly for another time, she opened the box Kyoya had given her. It was the Ouran boy's uniform. Suddenly, every interaction she'd had with the Host Club made sense.

They think I'm... a boy? Haruhi almost laughed out loud. Oh my god! That's priceless! I should've cut my hair a lot sooner! Man, I should call Nēchan after today and tell her!

On the other side of the curtain, she heard the boys gathering around, discussing the different ramen flavors they'd managed to properly cook. After getting dressed, still giggling on occasion, Haruhi looked at herself in the mirror and did a double take. She looked completely unrecognizable from when she'd left home that morning. Her hair was perfectly styled, bangs brushing over her eyes but not blocking her vision, and the uniform was perfectly tailored to her size.

"Uh... Tamaki-senpai? Is this uniform just for today, or do I get to keep it?"

She pulled the curtain open and the boys gasped, Tamaki shooting forward to grab her in a tight hug. "CUTE! You look wonderful, Haruhi! A true masterpiece!"

"Ack!"

"So pretty, Haru-chan!"

"You should've warned us about your face!"

"Shall we test him on some customers, then?"

Haruhi's eyes narrowed slightly. Kyoya almost sounded teasing when he said the word 'him'. Does he know? But he's the one who got me the boy's uniform. Is he pulling a prank? He doesn't seem like the type but if he is… playing a prank on who?

"That's the next phase of my plan! Alright, Haruhi! Time to show off those sizzlin' hot looks! Let's see what sort of patrons you appeal to!"

Haruhi opened her mouth to protest, but she was already being dragged out into the main room by her wrists. While she had been getting dressed, club hours had started and there were already dozens of girls sitting and standing around. They stared at Haruhi and whispered to each other behind their hands. Tamaki pulled her into the middle of the room and clapped a hand onto her shoulder.

"Ladies," he announced. "I would like to introduce to you our newest host! Haruhi Fujioka!"

The whispering grew to a low roar, and before Haruhi knew what had happened, she was seated in a big cushioned chair staring at three girls sitting on the couch opposite her. The girls looked at her expectantly for a moment. Haruhi, at a total loss, settled for politely introducing herself and thanking the girls for their time. Like a switch being flipped, the girls started asking her questions about her life. Haruh felt like she'd been injected with anesthesia, the words bouncing off her face without leaving an actual impression.

"So... why did you decide to join this club? I thought you were just here to keep things tidy," one of the girls confessed, shyly tugging at the hem of her own dress.

"Oh, I broke a-" Haruhi's breath caught in her throat. I'm eight million in debt to these crazy boys right now, but it'll be completely waived if I draw one hundred customers. I'd almost forgotten. Okay, Host Clubs are all about conversation. What should I talk about?

Another memory of hers slipped into focus, though this time the subject wasn't exactly her favorite. Haruhi fought to keep her face neutral as Tamaki's visage passed behind her eyes, telling her obnoxiously, "If you find yourself grasping for words…"

Swallowing, but having no other leads, Haruhi slowly stood up and knelt down in front of the girl on her right, reaching for the girl's teacup. "Would... would you like your drinks refreshed?" She looked up, still crouched. From this angle, she had to straight her eyes to see the girl's faces. The guest gasped and pulled her hands to her mouth.

"Yes... please!"

"Me too, please! Me too!"

Haruhi let out a sigh and refilled the teacups before easing herself back onto her chair. "So, ehm... did you ladies have any other questions?"

The one sitting across from her timidly raised a hand. "Haruhi? Why did you want to come to Ouran Academy? Was there any special reason?"

Haruhi nodded, able to offer the girls a genuine smile. "Actually, there was! See, other than the fact that this school provides some of the best high school level Pre-Law classes in the area... my onēchan is actually going to attend here in a few weeks, and I wanted to go to the same school as her."

The three girls leaned in. "You have an older sister?"

"Yeah!" Haruhi's smile widened. She was glad she got to talk about a subject she actually liked with these girls. She didn't think she'd be able to fake interest in something, at least for now. "Her name is Jin, and she's a year older than I am. Well, actually, she's one day less than a year older, but I digress. She's in America right now finishing up a study abroad program, but she should be coming back soon. I can't wait to see her!"

Her guests were practically bouncing in their seats as she finished, asking more and more questions about Haruhi's family. The mood was jovial… until it wasn't.

"Oh... I'm so sorry. So, did your older sister take over doing the housework and cooking after your mother passed?"

"Sort of. She's a really good cook and sometimes slips into 'cleaning frenzies', but most of the time we split the workload. My mother was a great cook. That's probably where Nēchan got it, and she left us a lot of recipes. It's been fun learning how to make them all, and Dad's talked about making copies of them all for when Nēchan and I grow up. But I enjoy trying new recipes. I get to spend time with Nēchan and when we're done we get to see our dad smile whenever we get it right."

Haruhi realized she'd been staring down into her tea during her storytelling. She raised her head to apologize to her guests, but found them completely enraptured and stuttering out requests to see her the next day! If Haruhi wasn't in such a melancholy mood at the moment, she might've fist-pumped. If she kept this pace up, she'd wrack up her quota in no time!

Waving goodbye to her news guests in a much better mood than the one she'd started with, Haruhi stood up and stretched out her back.

"Ah, Haruhi! If you have a moment, I'd like to introduce you to someone!"

She didn't really want to spend more time with Tamaki than necessary, but it was his, quote-unquote "training" that had saved her when she first started talking to her guests, so maybe she could cut him some slack every once in a while. Besides, she was a little curious as to who Tamaki wanted to introduce. She walked over to his couch and looked at the girl he was currently hosting. Instantly, she was on guard. It was the redheaded girl from yesterday who'd called instant coffee 'junk'. She didn't look overly pleased to see Haruhi either, but Tamaki didn't notice the cold stare.

"Haruhi, this is Miss Ayanokoji, one of my regulars."

A regular? Haruhi's mind supplied nervously. Does that mean I'll be seeing her almost every day?

Swallowing her emotions, she managed a smile. "Pleased to meet you."

Before Ayanokoji could even take a breath to respond, Tamaki leapt up from the couch and pounced on Haruhi, spinning her around in a circle. She tried to push his hands away, but Tamaki must've been an octopus in a past life because he was practically suctioned onto her. Somewhere off in the distance Haruhi could hear the twins laughing. If Haruhi wasn't so preoccupied with escaping Tamaki's grasp she would've been mortified.

Tamaki stopped spinning her for a second and crushed her in some form of extreme hug. Haruhi bent her head back and gasped for air, blackness eating away at the edge of her vision. Through her tunnel vision, she noticed a tall student walking by. It was Mori.

"Mori-senpai! Help!"

WHUFF

Haruhi sucked in a lungful of fresh air. The feeling was such a relief she hardly noticed or cared that she was dangling a good foot above the ground by her armpits. Mori could've hefted her over his shoulder like a bag of flour, as long as she could breathe. But given the hush that fell over the nearby guests, Mori's rescue had been a sight to behold.

Tamaki sounded oddly timid when he spoke up, saying "Mori-senpai? That was a bit much..."

"He asked for help, so I helped."

"I see." Tamaki slipped around Mori and grinned up at Haruhi from over the giant's shoulder. "Alright, time to return to Daddy's embrace for your hug, Haruhi~"

"You're no father of mine!"

*The Next Day*

"Heigh-ho, ladies! Let's play the 'Which-one-of-us-is-Hikaru' game!"

Haruhi cocked an eyebrow at the twins before shaking her head. These rich kids will be entertained by anything. Club hours had only just started and she was already tired of the host's antics. She had no guests of her own at the moment, but that just meant Kyoya was once again giving her little jobs to do around the room in the meantime, such as setting out pots of tea for the guests while their hosts started entertaining. She went to walk away from the twin's corner of the club room, but one of their guests spotted her before she could escape.

"Oh, Haruhi! Which would you pick?"

Stifling a sigh of boredom, Haruhi eyed the two redheads. They were grinning at the group of girls, mirroring each other as they pretended to fiddle with the newsboy caps covering their hair. As they were identical twins, with the parts in their hair covered they looked almost exactly alike.

Almost.

"Kaoru's on my right. Hikaru is on the left."

"Bzzzt! Wrong!"

Retreating the hand she had pointed at the twins, Haruhi stared hard at the boys for a few seconds, shocked she had gotten it wrong when she'd been so confident. Then she noticed the pair exchange a nervous glance out the corner of their eyes. She scoffed and smiled, confidence returning. "Aww… I know I'm right. You're just teasing me."

Hikaru and Kaoru stared at her, shock written plainly on their faces. A second later and Haruhi knew why. The girls crowded around Haruhi and congratulated her. Evidently, no one, host or guest, was ever able to tell the twins apart when they played their little game. Haruhi quietly accepted the praise, though she couldn't figure out how no one else had ever won before her. Sure, the twins were identical, but they weren't the same.

"Oh, your finger, Haruhi! What happened?"

At the abrupt change in topic, Haruhi barely stopped herself from hiding the bandaged finger in her jacket pocket. That would look suspicious. She gave the girl a gentle smile and said, "I had a little kitchen accident last night. It's no big deal."

The other girls started asking if she was okay, and Haruhi did her best to explain away their concern, but her smile was becoming harder and harder to maintain. I wonder how they'd react if I told them I actually cut my finger on a blade that was hidden in my textbook. Or if I mentioned the sewing needle I found stuck in my jacket? Would they think it was harassment, too? I dunno, I've got no proof.

"Haruhi? Could you please go close that window? It's becoming drafty in here."

Anxious to escape the mounting interrogation vibes, Haruhi didn't even feel like rolling her eyes at Kyoya's request, merely shouting out a "Sure thing, Kyoya-senpai," before making her way over to the aforementioned window. She grabbed the edge of the window and was about to pull it shut when she happened to glance outside and down. She hadn't taken notice of it yesterday, but the Host Club had lucked out location wise. That, or Ouran Academy's estate was just jaw-droppingly beautiful in every corner. How was it that an empty music room just happened to have a wall full of windows overlooking a perfectly manicured garden complete with a two-tiered water fountain with…

She gasped, almost pitching forward out the window.

Without another word or even a thought, she pulled the window shut and ran out the room. If someone called out after her, she didn't notice. All she could focus on was the fact that her backpack had somehow ended up in the fountain!

How did I not notice someone grabbing my stuff? Did it get thrown out the window or did someone manage to walk it all the way outside without anyone noticing? Oh no, oh no… all of my homework and notes are in there! And my wallet! Haruhi fought back the tears as she ran down the hallway and jumped stairs. She rounded a corner and almost knocked shoulders with someone passing the other way.

"Excuse me-"

"Ah, the Commoner."

Haruhi fumbled to a stop, frozen in place as the girl she nearly bumped into kept talking.

"You've certainly shaped up well since Tamaki took you on as his project. At a passing glance, you almost look like another Pedigree. Hmm... it's only too bad that you'll always be a Mutt."

Ayanokoji drifted around the corner and was gone, her final chuckle still squeezing Haruhi's gut like a python. Slowly, Haruhi continued on her way to the fountain, though it felt like more of an effort to put one foot in front of the other. She did eventually make it to the pond, not hesitating to strip off her shoes and socks, rolling her pants up to her knees before wading into the cloudy water.

Haruhi pulled out her items one by one, laying her notebooks out wide to dry in the sunlight as much as possible before she had to pack them away. As she worked, her thoughts spiraled. I suppose I've found my prime suspect. Too bad I have no way to prove it. What would her motive be anyways? God, I want to cry. Is this how Nēchan felt all the time in middle school? How did she handle it for all those years?

"Hey, Newbie!"

"Ack!" Haruhi spun around. Tamaki stood at the edge of the fountain watching her. She hadn't even heard him approaching. He didn't look very happy with her.

"Skipping out on the Host Club, eh? And why are you wading in the fountain? Hardly the cleanest place."

"No! It's just... I dropped my bag into the pond, along with my wallet! I just need to find it and I'll come right back inside!"

"You keep your wallet with your books? That's dumb!" Shaking his head, Tamaki kicked off his shoes and peeled his socks off. "What am I going to do with you? Besides, you gotta get in deep if you want to find anything heavy!"

Before Haruhi could protest, the blond rolled up his pants and climbed into the pond as well.

"Wha- Hey! You don't have to do that! You'll get all wet with this scummy water!"

Tamaki smirked. "Oh, please. A little water isn't going to hurt my looks. There's a thirty percent finder's fee, right?"

As the blond continued to splash around, Haruhi spared a few moments to really look at him. This isn't what I'd expect from some cushy rick kid. Not many people would scrape around a dirty pond for someone else's belongings. And that finders fee thing... that was a joke. I know it was. It sounded like something Nēchan would say if she was in Tamaki's place. Actually… offering to help like this is something she would do, too. I guess if Tamaki-senpai's anything like Nēchan, maybe he's not so-

"Hey! If you just stand there I'm definitely going to find it first!"

Jumping, Haruhi stared at Tamaki for a few more seconds before managing a smile. "No way!"

The two started searching earnestly, occasionally shouting quips back and forth at each other. Tamaki even laughed when Haruhi stepped on something slimy and shrieked in response. It was probably just some rock that had been thrown in a long time ago and grown pond scum around it, but she still found herself laughing along. Tamaki had a nice laugh... when it was genuine.

"I FOUND IT!" Haruhi raised the brown material in the air with a cheer, Tamaki joining in even at the loss of his 'finder's fee'. They kept talking even as they waded out of the fountain, Tamaki insisting that he would've found the wallet first if Haruhi hadn't distracted him with listing all the slimy things that could be stepped on. In fact, it was almost awkward when they finally got dressed again and started heading back to the club room, the silliness of wallet-hunting fading away.

They entered the club room together and Kyoya approached them without a second to spare and suddenly, it was business as usual.

"Ah, Tamaki, Haruhi, there you two are. Tamaki, your guests are waiting. And Haruhi, you have a new customer. Good job."

Maybe it was because of the short break she'd had from club activities or because it had been somewhat enjoyable to search the fountain with Tamaki, but Haruhi found herself smiling at the idea of a new guest.

Wow, another one already! Man, this quota won't be as hard to reach as I...

"Hello, Haruhi." Ayanokoji smiled coldly up from her chair, sitting on one side of Haruhi's assigned table. "I was wondering if you were ever going to show up."

Swallowing, Haruhi sat down. "Hello, Princess Ayanokoji."

"I won't take up too much of your time. I was just curious as to why you and Tamaki disappeared so suddenly a few minutes ago. It was for something worthy of his time, I presume? Not many of the girls here would be happy if they thought their favorite host was blowing off time with them for some...thing, unimportant."

"It was my school bag. It fell into the pond. He offered to help me find my things."

"Hmm..." Ayanokoji took a long drink of tea before she said, "That's just bad luck. School bags jumping into ponds... what next? I just hope you realize that should something like this happen again, you really shouldn't bother Tamaki about it. Really, I'm only trying to help you."

Help?! Is that what this is?!

Ayanokoji continued on, not once looking Haruhi in the eye. "See, it was only a cheap school bag, after all. Not really worth his time. He offered, so I suppose there was little you could do about it. He is rather stubborn that way. But it would be best for you to not misunderstand his interest. The only reason you have his attention now is because of your unusual background. Once he gets used to it, you'll be tossed aside for the next new thing. But for now, there will be those who might not see his interest as the harmless thing that it is, and will get upset-"

"Are you jealous of me?"

The question had sprung so unbridled to Haruhi's lips, she wasn't even aware that she had asked it until it was hanging in the air, sucking up all the remaining oxygen. Ayanokoji met Haruhi's stare head on, looking like she'd just been smacked across the face. But it was less of a shocked expression and more of an 'I'm-about-to-rip-you-apart' look instead. She looked like a cornered animal.

"AAAAAH!"

Ayanokoji's bloodcurdling scream almost knocked Haruhi out of her chair. Without warning, she shoved the table in between them to the side, knocking the flower vase and tea cups to the floor in a mess of glass and liquid. Ayanokoji grabbed the skirt of her dress and leapt from her own chair, backing away from Haruhi with an outraged expression.

"You brute," she screamed. "Haruhi, what a disgusting suggestion! Barbarian!"

Haruhi shook her head as the other guests started looking around frantically, no one knowing what to do.

"Someone needs to throw this Commoner out-"

Splish

Ayanokoji's shouting cut out, her outrage frozen on her face as she stared into empty space. A line of tea trickled down her cheek, followed by the sound of her hair and dress dripping onto the floor of the music room.

"Oh... sorry," Hikaru mumbled, an empty teapot now resting on his hip.

"Our hands slipped," Kaoru agreed, holding his own teapot.

Ayanokoji turned around slowly, gaping at the twins. She moved her lips as if to speak, but the boys raised their teapot-less hands and showed her a collection of photographs. Haruhi couldn't see them very well from a distance, but she could tell Ayanokoji was featured in each and every one of them.

Kyoya approached Ayanokoji, his ever present journal in hand. "Did you take us for blind fools who wouldn't notice you skulking about? We have quite a number of pictures of the things you've done to our newest recruit."

Anayokoji spun away from the three hosts but was stopped by Honey standing in her way, staring up at her with tears in his eyes. He then shuffled sideways towards Mori, saying, "She's scary... like an ogre lady."

"Pitiful, really," Mori agreed.

Tamaki was the last host to step up, shaking his head in disappointment. "It's too bad... you're a beautiful Princess, but looks alone just don't cut it here. I'm afraid you'd need more than that to cover up your horrible personality. Disappear, okay? There's a good girl."

"Wh... what? You're siding with him? Over me? Tamaki, have you completely lost your-"

"You tried to smear a member of the Host Club. You are barred from our club henceforth."

Ayanokoji's lower lip wobbled before she turned and ran from the room, tears streaming down her face as she screamed about how she hated the whole host club. A weird thing to announce, in Haruhi's opinion, after all the work she had done to try to keep Tamaki to herself. Still, Haruhi could hardly believe that the entire club, all of whom she barely knew, had stood up for her. They'd even been keeping an eye on her tormentor so they could gather proof that Haruhi was being harassed. It was very sweet of them.

"As for you…"

Haruhi's eyes widened when Tamaki thrust his finger into her face.

"A punishment for this fiasco, I'm imposing a penalty and raising your quota to one thousand customers!"

"WHAT? WHY? I DIDN'T EVEN-"

"Of course you did. Because of you, we've lost a regular customer and my exquisite body was reduced to menial labor to recover your wallet."

Haruhi felt like steam was about to come pouring out her ears. "YOU OFFERED TO DO THAT YOURSELF! IT'LL TAKE ME UNTIL GRADUATION TO FILL THAT QUOTA! YOU SELF-RIGHTEOUS-"

"Now, now... no need to get snippy. I'm sure you'll be able to manage it." Tamaki had the gall to wink at her. "I have faith in you."

Haruhi ran her hands through her hair, tugging at the ends. I open one door in this stupid school and I'm suddenly cursed! What if... oh no... what's going to happen when Nēchan comes back home?

"Oh, Haruhi? Is this student ID yours? I think I noticed it fall out of your bag when you..." Tamaki paused, staring at the photo in his hands. Despite everything and all the emotions swirling around inside, Haruhi couldn't help but smirk, knowing what was coming next.

"Haruhi?"

"Yes?"

"You're a... girl?"

"Biologically? Yes. I never claimed otherwise... if you remember."

Tamaki stared at her for two seconds then jumped five feet in the air, screaming incoherently.

Oh my... that was a much more volatile reaction than I was expecting. Casting a glance to the other boys in the room, Haruhi noted how none of them seemed as surprised. They must've figured it out. That didn't surprise her. Tamaki was definitely the dumbest one here.

Realizing she should probably clarify a few things, Haruhi explained, "Look, I don't personally care for gender identification. It doesn't matter to me what parts I was born with, and I've never really cared about what I was identified as. So, when you all referred to me as 'he' and bought me a male uniform, I didn't bother to correct you because, well, I wasn't bothered. Besides, I prefer pants over dresses anyways." She looked each boy in the face and, besides Tamaki, who was growing redder by the second, none of them seemed too bothered by what she'd just said. "Just so you know, you're reacting much better than I thought you would. Thanks for being cool about it. And for the record, I'll keep hosting in your club as a boy. Besides, it's kinda cute having those girls hassle over me."

Tamaki made a noise like his tea had just gone down the wrong tube. "What?"

She ignored him.

"Guess I'm a little bent that way. Huh, something else Nēchan and I share, then. I'll have to tell her that I'm going by male pronouns while I'm here, then... before she shows up. It's certainly going to be interesting coming to school for the next few years."