That's When You Will Know That You Healed...

"Dazai... Let go of me..." Fyodor whispered when the other grabbed his wrist just after he let himself down from the railing of his balcony.

However, the other didn't have any intention to let go of his lover. As a person who lost a loved one before, he didn't want to live the same thing again. He couldn't let this to happen again. "No..." He said through his gritted teeth, ignoring the fact that his arm began hurting.

Image after image was flashing in his mind. Chuuya... His ginger hair which was blowing in the warm summer wind... His gentle smile... His gentle voice which always calmed him down whenever he was sad or upset... His gentle touch... The day they got married... The happiness on his face and the love in his eyes... The warmth and the tingly feeling he felt on his lips when Chuuya kissed him for the last time... The coldness of Chuuya's deceased body... The small smile which was still resting on his face even if he was dead...

He tried to push these images back just like he did for months. His heart wouldn't take it if he lost someone else he loved.

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Do you know that feeling?

The love of your life is laying lifeless in a coffin in front of you and you can't do anything about it. Your world stops and it gets harder to breathe.

15 years...

They had been together for 15 years...

Dazai had met with Chuuya when he was 15. They were completely opposite, but you know the laws of nature. Opposites attract each other. After a few months of friendship they became lovers. June 19 2008, in a Thursday afternoon, Chuuya gave Dazai the most perfect birthday gift he would ever ask for. He kissed Dazai. Dazai felt butterflies in his stomach when Chuuya kissed him. It was their first kiss...

They had a lot of hardships because of the society they lived in, but they didn't care. They were made for each other even though no one else agreed. Dazai didn't care about them. Chuuya was all he needed.

When they were 20 years old, Chuuya proposed to Dazai which Dazai happily accepted. When they were 25, they had their first child. It was a little girl they named "Mieko." It was a blessing. Dazai thought they would be happy together forever, but forever wasn't as long as Dazai wanted.

It all started with a dry cough that got worse and worse. As time passed by Chuuya lost his appetite and began losing weight very rapidly.

When they went to doctor, Dazai felt like the world collapsed onto him. Lung cancer... He felt like he couldn't breathe... The time was frozen and the world stopped spinning. The doctor was talking, but Dazai didn't hear what he was saying.

The person who he would die for was dying...

February 24 2023, Friday night at 23.55... It was their last day... It was announced that Chuuya was going to die that night since neither the medications nor the treatment worked... Chuuya had already accepted his fate, but Dazai refused to believe him. His mind didn't allow to accept this fact.

Chuuya wanted to spend his last day in their bed. Their legs tangled and holding each other's hands.

"Dazai." Chuuya called out his name. He was weak.

"I'm here." Dazai replied rubbing Chuuya's bony hand with his thumb.

"Promise me for one thing." Chuuya said.

"Of course, anything you want." Dazai said while holding his tears back.

"Don't commit suicide after I die. Promise me Dazai. Mieko needs you. You need to be strong for her. Just promise me." Chuuya looked at him. Maybe for the first time, he was scared that he was going to die. Not because he was going to die maybe... Maybe he was scared that he was going to leave his family behind. "You always say that you would die for me, but I want you to live for me, okay?"

Dazai couldn't speak for a while. He was fighting with the tears which he had a hard time to hold back. "I promise." Dazai eventually said.

Chuuya gave a small smile and kissed Dazai. Dazai kissed back. The kiss was deep, but it was not too hard. It was their last kiss.

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Dazai looked at his husband for the last time. He was laying on the coffin dressed into his favorite suit, there were blue bellflowers on his hands. His eyes were closed and there was a small smile on his face, remaining from the last peaceful sleep they had together.

It seemed like he was sleeping and having a good dream, but Dazai knew that he wouldn't wake up anymore. Life was still going on even though Dazai wished that it wouldn't. He wished that the time stopped when they were teenagers. He wished he could go back to that time... Wishing was just a waste of time though...

He couldn't stand without help. His best friend Odasaku was holding his arm tightly to support him. He couldn't remember, but he had screamed for hours that Chuuya was not dead. Everything was dark.

When Dazai woke up, he found himself in his bed which he shared with Chuuya for 5 years. Ah, no one could guess how that once comfortable bed felt cold at moment since the side which Chuuya was laying on was empty now. He remembered the funeral. Ah, how he wished that it was just a nightmare... Ah, how he wished to find Chuuya sleeping peacefully by his side when he woke up... Ah, how he wished that Chuuya would calm him down after having a breakdown because of his nightmare... None of them happened... It was only him laying on this cold bed... It was only him laying on this cold bed shedding tears...

Chuuya was not there...

There was no one who was going to wipe his tears away...

There was no one who was going to hug him to make him feel better...

It was only him alone who was laying on the once comfortable bed, shedding tears, holding the sweatshirt which Chuuya wore often, trying to remember his scent and his warmth...