18 Am I Gay?

"Thanks for finding a moment for me. You don't even know how much I appreciate it," sighed David. Philip tossed him a can of low-proof pear-flavored beer and opened his own can. The drink passed for girly, but it was too early for normal beer. Not only would his parents make a ruckus, but for several more hours neither of them would be able to drive because of alcohol, and either of them might have had the urge. Sitting on his bed, however, David looked like he was in desperate need of some alcoholic percentages.

"No problem," Philip sat down across the desk but turned his chair so he could see his cousin. "You look like shit. What's wrong?"

Waiting for David's answer, he drank some beer.

"Have you ever thought about getting… you know, with a man?"

The beer he had in his mouth turned into a showy mist outside his mouth.

"Wait, what?" he asked coughing.

"So you didn't?"

"I didn't say that! But why do you ask? Did you...?"

"Just don't laugh at me, okay?"

It didn't even cross Philip's mind to laugh. He swallowed his saliva with difficulty.

"I know the boys don't give you a break," he said quietly, looking at David with intensity. "But I didn't think you did either... After all, you have Berenice..."

"No, no, I don't, I just..."

David hopelessly hung his head.

"It wasn't intentional. It was an accident. And he really only touched me, but... Well..."

"..."

Speaking on the subject came to David with difficulty and Philip could almost see David's face turn scarlet. Almost, because his head was lowered so low that Philip was unable to see anything.

Although Philip's heart was beating extremely hard, he had to remain calm. Something had happened in David's life, something that came as quite a shock to him, so he needed a friend.

Yes, a friend, and a friend is there to support.

"You know, it's just a theory, but I read in a scientific book that the vast majority of guys our age have fantasized about being with another guy at least once, or even tried..."

"The vast majority?" David raised his eyes shyly. "How many is that?"

"...All of them. Well, almost all..."

"...You too?"

What was he supposed to answer him? David had clearly had some kind of incident - what kind, with whom, and whether he was okay, Philip didn't know yet. His cousin, however, was clearly agitated and looking for someone to show him support. This was not the moment to pretend to be a tough guy.

"Well... yes," Philip admitted boldly. "It was just a fantasy, but I was thinking of giving it a try."

"Really?"

"If you want, we can try it together..."

David laughed a little hysterically.

"No kidding. We are cousins!"

"Sure, we are... But at least you're smiling."

"Yeah... Philip, what if it turns out that I'm gay?"

"And what should it be?"

"Well, you know, parents, people in the village..."

"What about them? Parents... I understand that you're worried about them, but don't exaggerate. Neither aunt nor uncle will get a heart attack because of this. And don't worry about the people in the village. This is your life. Whatever it turns out to be, I'll be on your side. Just why are you afraid that you are gay? Was there more than once?"

"What, no, well... I also had a dream..."

"I had a dream that I can fly and that doesn't mean I'm Superman."

"Well, apparently so..." David laughed shyly.

"You have to test it. You have no way out. You can't torture yourself with doubts."

"Test it? But how?"

"Hm, since you don't want to with me, we have to find someone else..."

"There's no way I can do it with someone I know!" objection David was emphatic. The boy almost jumped up from the bed. "I wouldn't be able to look him in the eye later, and besides... besides, me and any of them..."

The distaste on David's face was clear. Philip said it was a good thing he didn't have one when he suggested to David that they try it together.

"Listen, there's a disco tonight..."

David's eyes widened. The panic visible in them would have been amusing if the situation wasn't so serious. Philip's cousin was clearly in an existential crisis. He was so lost that it was downright sad.

"So all I have to do is let someone pick me up, admit that I'm a guy and... No, I can't! I don't want to!"

"Oh, don't be an idiot! If someone picks you up and you can't go any further, that's some information too, no? After all, no one is telling you to go to bed with him."

"Hm, seemingly right..."

"David, think about it. You've been to more than one disco and danced with girls. But you haven't gone to bed with every one of them. Even if you kissed her, it didn't mean that you would go all the way. But when you kissed her, you knew if there was chemistry between you or not..." the expression on David's face suddenly began to arouse Philip's suspicions. "Wait a minute, you were probably kissing some girl..."

"..."

Philip sighed. David was really a great, honest working, nice boy who was popular with girls and other boys. Some girls really chased after him throughout high school almost offering themselves. How come this boy didn't take advantage of the situation and when his hormones were buzzing he didn't kiss any girls? He was that faithful to his love for Berenice, or maybe subconsciously he wasn't interested in girls and if it had been a boy....

"I don't want to kiss for the sake of kissing," David was all red. "Kissing is something intimate and I want it to belong to the one and only person..."

Philip felt like sighing again. What a not knowing life romantic! What a relic of bygone eras! He should get out from between his flowers more often and learn what real life is.

"It's okay, you don't have to kiss either if you don't want to. Get as far as you can and not a step further. Ok?"

"Yeah, I think so."

Philip, however, had the impression that David was not at all convinced by the idea. Of this test.

***

The sun was shining in the sky, but in his heart David had heavy clouds. Yesterday he was ready to completely forget that anything had happened between him and Meiden, but this wet dream spoiled everything. Why, oh why, did he have to dream of Meiden picking at his crotch!

He was walking back from Philip's house sadly driving his bicycle. He didn't really have anywhere to go or anything to do with himself. He didn't want to be at home, where he would probably run into his father and the latter would ask why David wasn't at the palace.

He wasn't at the palace because... because there was nothing to do there. That's exactly how he would have answered his father and that would have been the truth. He mowed the lawn yesterday. He also watered all the plants that needed it (and, as if to make matters worse, a cloudburst blew right over). He even oiled the hinges on the door. So yes, at this point there was absolutely nothing to do in the palace. It's just that something else was holding David back from going to the palace. He really had no idea how he would be able to look Meiden in the eye now. He was afraid that if the Norwegian tried again, David's disobedient body would succumb again, and that his pride as a man just wouldn't stand it!

He was a guy after all, for goodness sake. A man!