16 Choice or Responsibility

Xie Lun insisted that day that I take it easy and hold off on practicing. I didn't want to return to my room too soon though, so after leaving their hall, I went to the back mountains and sat by the meadows, staring absentmindedly at the late summer flowers blooming all over the hill. When the sun finally started to dip below the horizon, I stood up and reluctantly made my way back.

I had barely stepped across the threshold of the main gate when I saw Bai Ye standing under the plum tree in front of my room, waiting for me.

The sun had set by then, and the pale dusk light tinted everything in a soft, serene shade of blue. Bai Ye stood with his back to the gate, his long hair flowing gracefully down his white robe. It was a familiar sight that I had seen thousands of times, but somehow he looked different today. The cool hue made his figure seem a bit lonely.

I took a deep breath, telling myself not to let my thoughts wander, and walked towards him. "Master," I bowed and passed behind his back to slip into my room.

A hand clasped around my wrist and stopped me. Bai Ye's cool, low voice drifted on the hushed evening air: "You are avoiding me, Qing-er."

His grip wasn't tight, but my hand jerked as if caught by burning iron. The touch opened up all the memories from before that I tried so hard to bury. I bit my lips, forcing myself to focus on the present.

I couldn't hide from this any longer.

"I … I'm grateful that you saved me, Master," I mustered all the courage I had and said. "And I understand that it … it wasn't by choice. Just give me some time, please. I promise I'll put this behind me and … and no one will ever know."

Silence stretched between us. My heart pounded, and I wasn't sure what to infer from Bai Ye's lack of response. A light breeze rustled the leaves of the plum tree above us, the sound particularly loud in the quiet.

"Turn around and look at me," he said at length.

Halted in my tracks towards the door, I was still facing away from him while we spoke. I couldn't see the expression on his face or tell his mood from his voice, and I hesitated.

"Look at me, Qing-er," he said again and pulled me towards him by the wrist.

The pull tipped me off balance, and I stumbled in my swirl. When my feet found purchase, I was standing so close to him that it was almost an embrace, and he stared right into my eyes.

The unfathomable, sorrowful look had returned to his dark pupils. "Everything we do in life is by choice, even if we like to blame circumstances for hard choices that we later regret." His voice had a rare, rough edge to it. "I've made such a mistake before … and I won't do it again."

He lifted a hand and brushed his thumb over my cheeks, and I didn't realize until then that tears were silently rolling down my face. I hated myself for being so weak, and as if that was the last straw, I blurted out: "But you would've done the same if your disciple were anyone else, wouldn't you? You saved me because it was your responsibility, not because you wanted to, and not because …"

Not because it was me, though I swallowed the shameless words before they escaped my lips. What was I thinking? What ridiculous arguments was I trying to make?

The look in Bai Ye's eyes grew heavier. After a long pause, he sighed. "Would you believe me if I tell you … that my disciple wouldn't have been anyone else except you?"

I stared at him, not fully understanding what he meant. But before I could think any further, his hand had slid behind my neck and pulled me in, his lips pressed against mine.

My eyes widened, but all I could see was the blurry shadow of his long, thick lashes. His scent swept over me like a tide, the familiar smell of cedar mixed with the taste of fresh herbs, unbelievably intoxicating.

Why? There was no reason for him to treat me like this anymore, and yet …

His other arm tightened around me, holding me in a close embrace. The warmth of his body burned me like fire, and the memories of my naked skin against him suddenly became crystal clear. All I could hear was my violent heartbeat. A part of me knew that this was all wrong, and I should push him away before it was too late, but I didn't care, and instead I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

I let myself get lost in the sensation, feeling his warm breath brushing over my face, his tongue claiming the full territory inside my mouth, his heart beating strong against mine. It was nothing like what I had ever experienced, and it consumed me. I didn't know what he meant by this or what it might bring to the future between us, but it no longer mattered, and I only wanted to relish the moment while it lasted, etching it into my memory for eternity.

"Master …" I whispered into his mouth, my breaths unsteady.

"Say my name," he commanded. The soft tickle on my lips traveled down my spine, spreading through my whole body.

I hesitated, though only briefly. "Bai Ye …" I said, his name even more surreal and hypnotizing on my tongue this time.

He kissed me harder, and suddenly I felt the ground drop beneath me. I yelped as he swept me off my feet and picked me up in his arms, striding into my room.

"If you still think I was saving you out of responsibility, Qing-er," he said as he lowered me into my bed, "I'll have to prove you wrong."