Thirty-Two

Cosmic coincidence, or maybe fate. Whichever it was, he's here again. I hear his car pull up, the door open and slam shut, his bags hit the floor. I hear his shoes on the pavement, running up to me, and I feel him slam into me, knocking me against the building.

I forget the world. I forget everything.

I forget my family, my siblings, my mother. I forget the night before, I forget Olly, I forget Philly. I forget everything, all the good, all the bad, and everything in between, and it's just him.

My hands on his back, the curve of his side, the smell of his hair, the smoothness of his cheek on mine, the feeling he brings with him like leaves in a current of water. Perfect peace, clarity. Magical.

He draws back from me it feels okay to let him go because I don't think he'll go anywhere, but he grabs my hand and doesn't release it. My face is lit up in a nearly painfully huge smile.

He goes and grabs his bags and then I lead the way up to my room.

"How come you left Philly?" He asks.

I shrug. "I just.. needed a change."

"Come on." He says, unimpressed with that answer. "Don't lie. I know you better than that."

I sigh, and nod. "I was horribly depressed. I felt like killing myself. All the memories in that house, y'know? I've lived there since I was 19. I couldn't stop thinking about you and I figured going somewhere else might help to forget."

He's quiet for a while. I turn and open up my hotel door and he slides in past me.

"Did you forget?"

"No. Obviously. Because I ended up calling you anyway," I mutter.

"Why did you call me?" He asks, setting his bags on the bed. Singular.

"I was in a really bad place and I was scared. You were the only person I felt okay calling. I was surprised that you picked up."

"So..." He says. I listen as he makes his way around the bed, plopping down on the covers. "What are the sleeping arrangements?"

"I-... Don't know. I didn't really think about it. I can go ask them for a different room or a second mattress."

"No, I think this'll be fine. We can always sleep top-and-tail," he says quietly, standing up and walking over to the other side of the bed, closer to me.

"Or with our backs to each other. I never liked the idea of top-and-tail."

He hums thoughtfully, and comes closer again. He brushes my arm and I immediately feel my adrenaline spike.

"Or we could just cuddle." He offers. His hands rest on both of my cheeks, gently, hesitantly. "If that's okay."

Cuddle?

Slowly, I nod my head.

His voice is small and shaky.

"Can I kiss you?"

I nod my head again. "Yeah."

After a few moments, I feel his breath on my lips, and then I feel him press against my mouth gently. My hand instinctively rests at the small of his back, and I feel him shiver. It's the softest kiss I've ever had, and probably the sweetest.

He pulls back slightly, breaking the connection. It's like severing electricity.

He takes a deep breath and then whispers, "Can I kiss you again?"

"Yeah."

And he does it again. Soft and sweet and maybe better than the one before, and his fingers trace my jaw as his arms slide down my chest. It's everything I never knew I wanted, really. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to kiss him, before, but I don't think I'll ever forget this.

He breaks it off and drops back down from his tip-toes, letting out his breath and then resting his forehead against my chest.

"Thank you," he breathes.

"Don't thank me," I tell him. "I didn't do it for you. I did it because I wanted to. I just didn't know I wanted to until you asked."

"Then I'm glad I asked. I wasn't sure if I should, because of... last time."

"I'm sorry about last time." I wrap my arms around him, thinking about how I made him leave. "I'm so sorry about last time."

He shakes his head, his hands gripping at my back. "Don't. It was your choice, but I'm glad I'm with you again."

I nod. I'm glad he's here again, too. By some stroke of sweet luck, I managed to get him back. I'll never rewrite that night where I sent him away, but I can make it smaller in his mind until he can nearly forget. I can't make it go away but I can make it powerless.

And, for the first time since he left my house nearly a year and a half ago, I really feel whole again. Like I've got something worth working, living, fighting for. Something to look forward to. I forgot the peace he could bring.

I forgot how much I loved him.