31 Chapter 31st

I twisted my fingers together, safeguarding them… Subtly, unconsciously pulling my hands behind my back. Chris pursed a smart smile, quick to notice it, looking into my eyes and growing bolder as I grew coward, plotting his next move now that I had given my response to his pretending I had a choice. I held my breath.

Suddenly, but not entirely unexpectedly, his hand seized me by the back of my leg. The touch was enough to terrorize me into grunting like a pierced animal, but it all happened so fast I was once more silenced by fear: He'd effortlessly swooped me up from the wall and dropped me over the mattress, placing his knees around me, his eyes – and the intentions printed in them – demanding my attention much more urgently than a senseless fight my instincts might want to spur me into.

Having placed me there and secured my dumb submission, he turned to his duffel bag on the floor, rummaged briefly through it and produced a roll of silver tape which my eyes followed with extra anxiety.

"I'm hoping I won't need this!" he cautioned in response to my fixed gaze, but still he laid it threateningly on the side of the mattress.

Then, more rummaging, and the barely familiar shape of a condom was brought to view, something I had only seen in sex ed classes until then. It used to bring innocent curiosity, and a brooding excitement to think of ever using one, knowing exactly all it entailed. Now, knowledge cursed me with that cold crumbling sensation inside my chest. This token, too, he placed on the side of the bed, taking the time to smile at the terror in my eyes.

"This I will most definitely need. But don't worry too much about it: There's plenty of fun to be had before I need to incriminate myself." He snickered, having gathered his kit, then slowly turned all his attention to me, kneeling closer.

I supported myself upon my elbows, readying myself to kick and slide away… but though the impulse was there, I didn't: Chris was upon me, tall, towering over me, eyes locked. Once again, I could only think of a trapped animal, one that knew there was no escaping. Chris's lips, half-stretched with a contented smile, saw through all of this, of course. He bent closer, pulled loose locks of my hair behind my ear, as he used to do, while I stiffened under his slightest touch.

He patted my head lightly, watched me, as if he currently savored the moment – the fear, the imminence of it! – taking in the image of my sitting on that mattress, locked in at his mercy. Though I'm sure that torturing anticipation only added to his pleasure, it gave his face an air of gratified serenity: the serenity of possessorship, of knowing I could do nothing against him, not anymore. I was all but surrendered, and as he observed me through his intense narrowing eyes, he did just that: enjoy my involuntary defeat with the tip of his fingers as it brushed lightly against my face – the cornered, terrified animal that at last wouldn't bite.

I blinked as my eyes stung, moistening.

"Why… why do you do this?"

I don't know why I said it – what part of me thought there was any value in doing so. It's like the serenity he displayed was enough for me to consider him human again – a human that could be reasoned with. For some reason, the interaction made him smile: a rather pleasant surprise.

"This?" He inquired, playing dumb. His voice was soft as it broke the silence.

"This… to me…" I pursed my lips as they threatened to shake.

Chris watched me for a lengthy second, musing, coming up with that answer as his fingers rested on my skin.

"Why did you take a liking to me?" was his reply "Why did you follow me around… why'd you want me to like you so bad, that you lied about your age – and lied to everyone, too?" he cocked a sympathetic smile "We both do it for the same reasons, you and I: we're animals. Animals… who just want to feel something."

I scowled, disturbed.

"Surprised?" he lifted an eyebrow, toned down his voice strategically, as if to keep from scaring me further: "We're not that different after all, are we? Reaching out… taking what we want, never minding the consequences… or who gets hurt in the process…"

"It's not the same." I muttered, a splinter of anger moving me into braveness.

"It is. We simply enjoy different versions of it, you'll see." He declared smugly.

"It's not!" It heatedly escaped me "In your version, you need to force girls to get it!!"

At the end of that fiery sentence, my heart was throbbing in my throat. But despite my worst anticipations, Chris merely stifled a laugh, his eyes carefully measuring my coloring cheeks as his fingers played about my face, feeling the submission still enrooted there despite the brave words it spurted.

"A second ago you were too scared to look at me. Now you're trying to insult me, what a progress!" he remarked with amusement "Fear and courage start a race, don't they? They compete for your attention and you don't know who to listen to, giving in to each at random intervals. But your eyes… they show me what I want to see, and that's enough. I'll ignore this last recourse at saving face, because I know it's all barking: You seem to finally know your place, and that's all that matters to me." He silenced with a poised smile.

Our eyes looked into each other for a long second while I processed what he'd said, before, like a challenged dog, his stare forced my nerve, and sprung out a belated response. The lateness of it, I suspect, made it silly and artificial:

"FUCK YOU!".

Chris chuckled delightedly, as if I was a child experimenting cursing for the first time. Unimpressed by the insult, however, he calmly commanded:

"Hmm… that's cute. Now take off your shirt."