Chapter 15: Confession and Farewell I

   Perspective: Keyner Blake.

   I once read something interesting. 

   If you are willing to take someone's life, you have to be prepared to be killed at any time.

   Now, I have experienced a somewhat analogous situation. 

   If you are willing to trust someone, you have to be prepared to be deceived.

   Human beings are a life form that by instinct use others around them to obtain their goals.

   No. To restrict myself to only humans would be wrong.

   Any rational being is this way. Be it human, Wizard or any other of the races. 

   Maybe this is just a random thought that I ended up making while I was training a few moments ago. 

   Or maybe... It is a way my mind has found to victimize what I have been through in the last 17 years of my life?

   Being created as a weapon to kill humans while having their trust.

   I can't simulate my future if my parents' plan had worked.

   Honestly, I'm glad those assholes are dead.

   But...

   What if everything had gone according to their plan?

   Would I still be frustrated that I had been used? Or would I have reacted like receiving a surprise gift.

   "I am a Wizard. I am part of an amazing race that uses magic. I have to defend others from humans. That is my purpose."

   ...

   I have to stop lying to myself.

   I was going to react as if I had won my life.

   I was finally going to have what I always wanted.

   A place in the world to call my own.

   I am a Wizard. It was already imprinted on my skin that killing a human is pleasurable.

   I always felt demeaned because I could not manipulate technology like other people. This, coupled with a weaker body and ridiculous life expectancy was fuel for a bitter life.

   Although I had people to take away this bitterness.

   Jack, Caius, Cless. 

   Naila, Marino.

   My parents too. Even though I was a pawn, they always acted like real parents. 

   But what am I left with?

   I am an enemy of Techmetriun.

   My friends are either dead or they want my head. 

   My parents are dead, and whoever was associated with them was complicit in this whole story. 

   What I am left with is only hatred for everyone.

   But I am also afraid. Fear of them.

   Fear of myself.

   What I did before fighting Marino is nothing an aspiring researcher would think of doing.

   At the same time that I feel hatred enough for everyone to want to kill them...

   ... I feel like clinging to the ones that are left, even though I don't trust any of them. Just to fill this void.

   ...

   To cling to people that I feel like killing. I had an idea that my thoughts were hypocritical, I just didn't know how much.

   Now, I was serving myself a meat and potato stew improvised over an open fire and a small pot.

   -Thank you.

   -...

   Not only was I serving myself, but I was serving someone else. 

   A girl my age, with a triangular face and beautiful blue eyes. But her main characteristic was her long caramel hair with black tips.

   Marino Sasaki. I was having dinner with a girl who, about a day ago, was fighting me to the death. 

   Or at least that's what appearances indicated.

   When what I thought her final blow was in disarray thanks to her injuries, Mari's calm face delivered that, in fact, the fight was the curtain to a suicide attempt. 

   But I couldn't let her simply die. Not until she explained what kind of game I had gotten myself into.

   No. What kind of game she and my parents had gotten me into.

   Her intentions became less clear to me when Morello told me about micro-explosives that were destroyed by Marino's blows to my internal organs. Not that I got far from dying from that, but it was helpful in a way.

   -Is your name really Marino?

I was impatient. But since it had been a while since I had had a decent conversation with someone, that was the only thing that came to mind to break the silence. 

   But that would not be wrong to think about. From how false the image I have of her and my parents, I wouldn't be surprised if their names were also false.

   -Yes, no one here lied about their name.

   Marino answered me while he finished eating the boiled potatoes from his plate.

   -That... was it me?

   -?

   I looked at where Marino was pointing as she asked her question. She was pointing at the bandages covering my hands. 

   -Not completely.

   The bandages were covering the scars from Marino's last attack. To prevent her swords from reaching her, I almost received her attack, but used my hands to hold the swords.

   I turn to the opposite side of Marino, so that I hide my hands. 

   -Will you start telling me everything?

   -Sure.

   She answers me. I hear a noise of metal on stone, which was probably her putting the bowl that was holding her food on the floor. 

   Then Marino tells me everything.

   Not only the part where I started to get involved in this "war". She made sure to tell me about the time she was adopted by one of the humans involved in the murder of everyone in the camp she was born into.

   I just kept quiet, giving her every opportunity to speak. I don't know any answers to anything. And she understood that I was willing to listen.

   I mean... I had to be willing to listen.

   About what my parents were doing.

   About my brother. 

   About the AWA.

   And about Jack and Caius' involvement with Marino's attempt to murder my parents.

   After she separated from Jack, all communication with him was lost, as the blackout I caused compromised all communication through technology. 

   She served as bait for other soldiers who were going to the medical wing of the AWA. But apparently I had already started to go home. Given also Jack's injuries from when he rescued me, Marino was not the only one fighting.

   I was digesting everything she had told me. I was more aware than at the moment I woke up in the camp after being saved by Morello and Yurion. Because of this, I could better process all the information. 

   I was quiet for about five minutes. I could hear Marino's breathing amidst the silence of the weir in the night.

   Again, various things and events were going through my mind, and again, from a different perspective.

   I had had enough of the absurd amount of flashbacks that my mind decided to show me in the last few days, so this was the quickest analysis I had of the situation. 

   I couldn't stay there.

   I couldn't stay with Marino, Morello, and Yurion.

   But I also couldn't be alone with the little I know.

   Not because I don't know how to handle myself. I have enough knowledge and I could manage in one way or another.

   The problem is how little I know about magic. All I do is practically strengthen my body and weapons with mana. That is light years away from being enough.

   -What are you going to do now?

   -Ah.

   Marino was staring intently at the sky, until my voice roused him from his thoughts.

   -We're going to Techmetriun to try to free Quill. 

   -I understand.

   My answer was dry and vague. And this apparently irritated Marino. 

   -Why are you acting as if this is none of your business? If we free Quill, we can undo the pact.

   -Look, I'm not going to get into a fight that's not mine. I'll be waiting for you to bring him to me so that the pact can be undone. Otherwise, die alone trying. 

   -What a heck-

   Marino held me by the collar of my shirt, using both his hands. Her face had an expression of fury that was confirmed by the strength with which she squeezed me.

   -Do you want to die?

-I don't want to hear this from someone who was trying to kill me hours ago. 

   -I wasn't going to kill you. This was fucking theater for me to die.

   -I want to know why then. 

   Marino removed some of the force he had put on my neck as he looked away.

   -You weren't really fighting me at the time, were you?

   She finally lets go, and biting her lower lip, Marino finally turns her gaze back to my face.

   -I couldn't. I got Jack involved in this. Besides, if I really fought you for real, you'd really die. If that-

   She was talking quietly at the moment. The only high that was spoken by her was the sound her mouth made as she received a knee to the stomach, being pushed backwards. 

   -May I know what this idea was? If you really want to die, draw your damn gunblades and let's get this over with!

   -For you to pretend to take me seriously and try to kill yourself one more time?

   -...

   I was so frustrated that I couldn't control my voice. I was so angry that the only thing that kept me from actually trying to kill the person in front of me...

   ...was what I still felt.

   -You didn't take me seriously at that time. Even though I already had Wizards powers, I was treated like a helpless child who didn't know anything. The same way you have treated me all these years.

   -...

   -I always tried to improve myself so that if a moment came when I could prove that I was as capable as any of you, I wouldn't be ashamed as you have seen me go through in the last two years.

   Leaving that to myself was no longer an option. 

   -But the moment you stood up to me, you treated me like the worthless person I always thought I was. Not only you. Naila, when she stood up to me, wasn't giving it her all. Only she was a better actress than you. 

   I shouldn't be saying this. I shouldn't be pouring so much hate on someone. 

   -Not only that, but she killed Jack and Caius. Jack must have died even sooner than expected for him, since you involved him in a fight that was not his.

   Even if he was already in the AWA. 

   Even if he had been fighting and contributing to the death of Wizards for a while.

   -To make matters worse, you meet with me and pretend that you betrayed Morello and Yurion just to "pay for mistakes in the past?" What kinds of mistakes?

   -HAVING SPENT MY DAMN LIFE FOLLOWING YOUR PARENTS' ORDERS. FOR LETTING THINGS GET TO THAT POINT!

   Marino again gripped the collar of my blouse tightly. His face had an expression that was a union of anger, despair, regret, and uneasiness. I knew this because I knew Marino best.

   Or so I thought.

   -AND HOW DO YOU THINK THAT WAS GOING TO HELP ANYTHING? "I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF SO THAT KEYNER CAN TAKE HIS ANGER OUT ON SOMEONE ELSE AND GET OVER IT MORE EASILY. DON'T TELL ME THAT'S WHAT WAS GOING THROUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD?

   I was shouting louder than she was. As I shouted, I applied force to Marino's wrists, causing her to begin to let go.

   -I'M SORRY IF I'M SO EASY TO UNDERSTAND. BUT I DESERVED IT! I PARTICIPATED IN ALL OF THIS, AND I HAD TO MAKE UP FOR IT WITH SOMETHING. THEN...

   She turned her gaze back to me after shouting it all out. I could imagine that her throat was hurting from screaming, because she was coughing and quickly grabbed some water from near where I was sitting earlier.

   -Let me do something right now.

   -Screw you.

   -?

   I turn away from Marino, moving closer to the pond. 

   -First. Killing you now wouldn't give me any pleasure. It wouldn't be something I could look back on as an achievement. Not least because you wouldn't take me seriously and would make another theater performance.

   -...

   But I wouldn't stand a chance against her in mano a mano either.

   She, Morello and Yurion were on another level.

But I could be childish enough to be frustrated just by that.

   -Then live knowing that you failed to kill yourself for a person who, even though he was no match for you, managed to thwart your fucking plans by being more willing to give his life for you than to stand by and let you die.

   -!

   I didn't want Marino to die.

   But I felt like punching her in the face until my fingers fell off my hands. 

   I had nothing against Yurion and Morello. The gratitude for saving me from the fall of the plain and treating me like a friend kept me from having remorse for them.

   But the untrustworthiness of thinking they were next in line to use me as a weapon, bait, guinea pig or whatever kept me from trusting them.

   Paradoxical thoughts in a mind steeped and welded with contrary feelings. Ever since I became a Wizard, I have lived with this.

   Marino was pale, staring at me. Her face reflected doubt. Her throat didn't even move. She was totally dry when it came to having something to say.

   I could easily say that I felt anger towards her for agreeing with what my parents were doing. The same applied to those two. But still...

   I would give my life for them. 

   As a human, I wanted to be a researcher and, under the covers, find a way to get my only four friends out of this damn war.

   Now, I wanted to get this imbecile, that goth and that post out of that war.

   She was a stupid and immature person just like me. They are two guys who just want their friend back, just like me.

   They have reasons to make this war theirs, so I can't take that away from them.

   But... Caius, Jack and Naila had their reasons too, and I always wanted to take it from them.

   Maybe what happened to me could be a reason for me to enter the war. But at the same time, I just want to be a victim of a crossfire.

   I wanted to just run away with everyone from it all, but in the same way I had want enough to try to end it all with my own hands. 

   But I lacked something that had always been missing in me.

   Power.

   To have fought with Naila was only possible because she was holding on to take me alive.

   To have survived a few minutes of fighting Marino was only thanks to her taking it easy.

   My weakness has always haunted me. Since my childhood I was judged for having a weak body and not manipulating technology. And also now for not being able to do anything for anyone. 

   Jack says.

   -So, are you going to stay with us?

   -No. 

   -But you just said you'd rather-

   -Look, it doesn't make any sense to side with someone who thought that suicide would solve all the problems of the person who would cry the most about it. 

   -!

   Marino, who was looking at the ground in front of her with a dry face, finally manages to look back into my eyes.

   I could tell she was going to cry at any moment.

   But, if I stared at her a little longer, it would be no different for me.

   -Although you have tried to solve things in the worst possible way, I can't continue to judge you.

   -?

   -Because you were one of the only people who didn't try to see the lie through to the end. At some point, you found a little peace with me while I had peace with you from mine, even though as a human and as a wizard, I was a hypocrite and useless.

   -Wait, th-

   -So, if you want to kill yourself again or get rid of me, you'd better be able to next time. Although I don't know if there will be a next time. 

   I turned my back to Marino, and started walking towards the weir, which was opposite the center of the camp.

   -Thank you, Marino.

   -Keyner!

   -I want to be alone. I'm not leaving yet. May I?

   I answered in a more subtle tone of voice. My voice was a little hoarse, but from the sound of footsteps, Marino heard it and just walked away.

I cross the weir from the sides and go into a denser part of the forest. I would love to have a moment of privacy, but I guess that's for another time.

   Perspective: Marino Sasaki

   I never thought it would be so hard to hear that hypocrite call me Marino, and not by my nickname.

   Graceful as an angel, and fierce as a demon. Not only in combat, but his words had these characteristics. 

   A rougher and looser way to communicate. But also colder and more apathetic moments. As well as acid jokes of dubious humor. Keyner's personality was like this.

   How broken is he?

   ...

   How broken did I end up allowing him to be?

   I was totally confrontational to the principle that my brother passed on to me. I held a lie to a point that it was impossible to keep anyone from suffering for it.

   Although he was also a hypocrite for following Shun and Iris' plans, even though he was against it. 

   But still, if he were here, I would take a good ear pulling.

   ...

   Although the fact that he is no longer here is what motivates me the most to want to break humanity.

   ...

   Speaking of humanity...

   Perspective: Keyner Blake 

   The next day, I went back to the camp to help with breakfast. 

   Improvised breads and juices. There were eggs, oatmeal, water and grapes either in camp or nearby.

   When I finished my coffee, I walked over to Marino, Caius and Yurion, who were sitting on logs while discussing something.

   -Keyner, this is very good. You did well.

   -I agree. 

   -...

   The three of them greeted me after I poured the coffee. But I wasn't there to receive thanks. 

   -You three. I wanted to thank you so far for what you have done for me. And I wanted to ask you a favor.

   -What is it?

   Yurion answered me. The end of his question was accompanied by the sound of his juice body being dropped on the floor. 

   -Before I leave, I would like you to teach me a little about magic.

   -That's no problem. But for you to pick up the basics, it will take a few months.

   The one who answered me now was Morello, who got up from where he was sitting. 

   -Actually, only a month. Everyone has to leave here within a month. 

   -But why this now?

   Yurion came to ask in surprise, but it was not for nothing.

   -Your barrier works, but it's a matter of time before you get tired and their satellites spot us. Not to mention that it is possible that they will find this location from the not-so-accurate coordinates sent by the soldiers who invaded a few days ago. 

   -Keyner, what you are talking about has not the slightest-

   -He's right.

   -??

   Yurion turned to Morello who had agreed with me. Even Marino who was sitting still showed perplexity in her gaze. 

   -But I wanted to propose something to you.

   Now Morello spoke with a serious tone, as he approached me.

   -A pact.

   -I refuse.

   -There's no need to be so negative about it. It's not something that will reduce your life span or anything like that.

   -Last time, I caused a blackout in an entire city and got a reduction in my life expectancy. 

   -Just because it was a forced pact. This one I'm proposing is a pact of trust, not of power. 

   Morello spoke with a calm smile on his face. Yurion and Marino stood up and stood beside him.

   -A pact of trust, so that if someone betrays someone with this intention, he will be punished. I just want you to have confidence in us, with you staying here for a month or years.

   I was angry and frustrated.

   I couldn't say that I was alone, but I was not accompanied by people I trusted.

   But now, they wanted me to trust them. 

   They wanted to recognize that I was one of them.

   That was always what I wanted, being a human, or a Wizard.

   The ecstasy in my body only confirmed that I needed this.

No, I couldn't tell the difference between ecstasy and neediness at that moment.

   Am I a victim, or do I just want to become a victim of this war?

   Am I already in it without knowing it, or is it my choice to enter?

   Does the price I pay already place me in this war?

   Wait, I'd better correct that.

   The price I was made to pay already puts me in this war?

   -Keyner, do you accept?

   I remember the topic of conversation, and my thoughts are scattered by Morello.

   One month. At least the basics of magic I should learn. 

   I wipe my face with my coat. At least thinking that my coat would be on my body, since it was destroyed by Marino days ago. 

   -Yes. But until then, I ask that you turn me into the worst kind of monster possible.

   With a wicked smile, I signed the pact with these three, knowing that I was going to seek my own hell on earth.