Smacked with a Blunt Shovel

-hurts.

As a crackhead whose been tormented from a six billion goddamn year-old memory PTSD, doesn't mean that getting smacked by a rusty old shovel from the nearest shed wouldn't give you much of a brain damage.

Where was I again? Can't remember what I was doing.

Must've been the memory loss after the whiplash...

I don't remember anything what happened before. All I know is, shit, shit, shit, and more shit I don't like to remember and I feel like I got retconned into disreality, shredded into a million pieces, then put back to together, got dipped in hot and cold chocolate pools, and then smacked by a rusty steel surface for agriculture.

I'm ranting again.

Goddamnit!

I whipped my head backwards in absolute swagger. "Alright, who's the smartass that decided to smack the shit out of a 5 billion year old crackhead with PTSD problems and prepare your anus because I will beat the living shit out of you-"

[CLANG!]

"OUCH! THAT VERY MUCH HURT!" My aching head! It hurts!

"GET OUT OUR HOUSE, YOU CREEP! THERE'S A CREEPER! PERVERT! LEECHER! KAAAAAAAAHHH!!!! SOMEONE HELP US!!!" One very familiar voice shouted back, but very... what can I say 'young'?

Oh it's shouta Yang and Ruby and she's holding a shovel-

[CLANG!]

"OW! Fuck off!" I cried out in outrage. Yang tried to smack me again. I noticed the intention and I grabbed the handle before it could contact. Yang paled considerably as I yanked the shovel off her preteen fingers.

"Would you like to get smacked by the shovel, HUH?! That'll teach ya not to smack people with a freaking SHOVEL-!" I angrily raised the shovel skyward.

"-UUAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Ruby cried out in terror.

I paused before I smacked the living shit out of the hateful RWBY crew. With a preturbed glare, I lightly 'tapped' the sisterly twins with my shovel and wondered if this was a smackdown or a knighting.

Ruby still cried (with irl tears) in terror and Yang (13, 14?) raised her hands protectively at Ruby, but I could notice her hands were quiverring in fear. I raised my arms up in outrage and disbelief as I tossed away the damn shovel.

"Why'd you kids smack me with a shovel?!" I asked loudly.

"You JUST break and entered our house, you creep! Are you trying to...! Trying to do 'naughty' things with us?!" Ruby shouted out in total fear. My face sckrenched up into a incredulous pose and... was outraged at the fact I would do such a thing.

"NO! WHY WOULD I DO THAT?!" I shouted.

"LIAR! LIAR! I SAW THE DUSTNEWS AND ONE OF MY FRIENDS GOT SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY YOU! BY YOU! I SAW YOUR FACE ON THE TV! GET AWAY FROM US! LEAVE US ALONE! WE DON'T WANT YOU HERE!!" Yang cried back with tears on her eyes. I exhaled ridiculously at the statement. WHAT THE FUCK-

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD I DO THAT SHIT?! I'M HONESTLY OFFENDED AT THE ACCUSATION, I'M NOT LOW ENOUGH TO STEP DOWN AND CROSS THAT FUCKING LINE! I HATE BASELESS ACUSATIONS MORE THAN I GOT SMACKED WITH A SHOVEL! BUT I WILL PROMISE IN MY DIRTY DARK HEART OF LIES, KNIVES, AND BETRAYAL, I WILL NEVER. EVER. LET MY FINGERS ON A CHILD FOR ANY SEXUAL INTENTIONS, EVER!" I screamed heaven to earth. The RY crew both sniffed down and held each other in a grouphug.

I sighed as I rubbed my eyebrows together.

"Augh... Look, I'm not here to... 'do stuff' with you. Could you like, tell me where I would need to go and hopefully shoot myself with a .50cal round and die peacefully as I can? The sooner I get a bullet through my brain, the better." I resolved myself. Yang gulped down her fears.

"You're not here to... have 'fun' with us." She checked.

"Wha-! NO! No, I'm not here to have 'FUN' with you!" I screamed, startling both girls. She nodded slowly, taking the information and processing in her brain and thought what action she would safely take to a psycopathic millienial crackhead without dying a painful death.

"So you want to... kill yourself... by breaking and entering our home?" She asked skeptically.

"Actually, I didn't mean to enter your house. Honestly I don't even know why I got here in the first place. My first glance of the overworld was that silly steel rusty surface of a shovel smacking contact with my face with the force of a thousand suns. I'm sorry if I broke into your... shed." I whirled my finger around the place for more emphasis. The both said nothing.

I felt something missing.

Why am I still standing vertically and not getting beaten into a pulp by the FBI for being a lolicon with a nightstick as I slowly devolve into a human excuse of a trashheap?

Why is this not happening right now?

"..... Uh, Qrow? Your nieces are in trouble. Are you currently drunk right now? I thought you were presumeably these brats' Godfather or something, ever since Raven left and Summer slash clone template Ruby Rose fucken died you decided to raise these kids. Taiyang? Nothing?" I was only met by silence. My eyebrows shreveled together at the mild confusion.

"Uncle Qrow's not... here right... now... he's at the bar, gambling again..." Yang quietly muttered.

Huh? Wait, what?

"I thought he was suppose to take care of your guys right now." I muttered to my breath as I scratched my head over.

Then I just happened to notice the cut marks and the purple swollen wounds at both of their bodies. Both had long-lasted wounds that were not properly healed over time.

And they were trembling.

"But M-mom's going to come back! She promised she's going to kick your butt, scary mister! She's going to come back to this house if you d-don't let us go!" Ruby shouted, trembling in her silvery eyes as she held her sister.

"Y-yeah! Mom's going to come back!" Yang added. Hopefully.

Reluctantly.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"... I'm not a creeper or a burgular so I could rob this house. Let's forget about everything else. I guess we landed on the wrong end. I'm Mark Tungsten. Bounty hunter, this is sort of my first job, and I'm looking for your Uncle." I revealed the paper badge from my blazer and showed my description to the two girls.

"You didn't say you were a Bounty Hunter-!"

"I JUST got hit by a blunt object! Excuse me for having temporal brain damage that caused me to rant outloud like a parental crackhead jackass, THIS IS MY FIRST DAY AT THE JOB and I got smacked by a SHOVEL!" I shouted, before I pointed at my badge- "-Jesus, this is my proof that I'm a bounty hunter. I AM A BOUNTY HUNTER, young lady!" Yang gulped down.

"What's a Bounty Hunter breaking and entering people's houses?! My Uncle doesn't have a fricking bounty! Isn't that illegal unless you're a cop?!" Yang shouted indignifiedly. I snorted.

"Bounty hunters don't need a house warrant unless the hunted individual resides on another person's house or relative, it's fine that I can enter the individual's house. This is HIS house. He's on a heavy debt for the countless amount of drinks he's purchased, and you would be wise to turn over that drunken deadbeat uncle to me." I explained as in a matter of fact.

"Didn't you just got here?! You said you first woke up next to our house! How come you're not lying to us that you're a fake cop?!" Yang screamed back.

"I WAS DRUNK! Got a call from the superiors, threatened to me that he'll hang my ass over my apartment for being incompetent and I should stop acting like a jackass spending all of my money to nightclubs and drinks!" I shouted.

"You're a really bad bounty hunter, mister." Ruby added.

"Shut it, short-stack. It was at that time I got really, really, drunk, I got to Branwen's house on foot because I don't want to risk crashing into the nearest ravine for drinking and driving and because the nightclub was close to his house. I really thought I would catch his ass while drunk because that's how Kung-Fu protagonists in movies beat the living shit out of a person." I stated.

"What's Kung-Fu?" Ruby asked.

"Martial arts of Easter Land or something. Whatever, my memories back again, and I don't want to get my ass hung over my boss, I'm already to arrest your uncle, got my shit together because I got smacked with a shovel, and most importantly, where the fuck is Qrow?!" I demanded.

"No! You can't just- This is mom's house! You can't break and enter our Mom's house!" Yang cried out hesitantly.

"Bullshit, your mother has been DEAD for a very long time and this very establishment belongs to Qrow Branwen and I have very right to tear this place apart if I have to find his drunken ass to my superiors." I replied coldly. Yang flinched as her reasoning was denied.

"T-that's IMPOSSIBLE!"

Ruby screamed out, her silver eyes forming with tears.

"Mom promised she's going to come b-back! Yang, she said she'll come back, right?! She's going to come back, beat this fake cop up, and he's going to get his butt kicked!" Ruby's arms trembled. Yang looked at her with heartbroken eyes.

"Ruby..." Yang began.

"She... said she's coming back... why isn't she kicking his butt right now?" Ruby slowly replied, as a strand of tears slipped from her cheeks. I clenched down my teeth.

"Ruby...!" Yang breathed.

"She's coming back. I know she's coming back-" Ruby repeated.

"RUBY!" Yang shouted, snapping at Ruby. She widened her eyes at her sister, as she wasn't expecting Yang, her own sister to snap at her. Yang stared a thousand words at Ruby. Ruby glanced back and trembled uncontrollably at her own sister.

"She isn't coming back." Yang began.

"No matter how much you deny she's gone, she's not going to return. Just accept that she's gone. Ruby, it only hurts if you keep refusing that our Mom is... gone." Yang, with hollowed words, stated the cold-hearted truth to her younger sister. Ruby stepped back away from Yang.

"How can you say that Mom isn't gone?..." Ruby clenched her fists.

"Ruby..." Yang called out.

"No. Mom's not gone. And you're saying Mom's gone is because she'll leave you again. She loved you. I loved you. I can't believe you would say that-"

"She's gone, Ruby. SHE'S DEAD!" Her lilac eyes flared red.

[SLAP!]

Yang hesitantly breathed in as she realised what she'd done. Her hand, hurting Ruby's face, she looked at her hand in horror. Ruby looked down, her shoulders trembling, as the shadow of her red and black bangs covering her eyes, she immediately head over the door and left without a word.

"What have I done....?" She whispered to herself.

"Wonderful, that's the premature child out of the way. I didn't want to interogate the spontanous tearful little girl with a dirty denial. I hate when they whine over and over and give me no results..." I muttered over as I rolled my eyes. Yang turned over to me in fury.

"Get out." She coldly demanded.

"I REFUSE." I moved over closely next to her face. She flinched at the closeness as she stumbled over, not expecting the face to face closeness to my depressing, intidmating, face of a insane crackhead.

"Let me get this straight. I don't care about your family, your lives, or your relationships. I don't even know you, and I won't care about you. You only matter to me because you have information that I can arrest your Uncle. I can threaten you. I will smack you with that shovel harder than your Uncle's belt did." She flinched at the context.

"So tell me.... Where the fuck is Qrow Branwen?"