Confession

Iris Sinclair's pov

"Tell me everything from beginning to finish." My stepmother's voice, smooth like an undisturbed pond, is the first time she spoke to me for weeks.

"Promise me you won't get mad and you will try your best to understand me." As much as I want to delay this conversation for as long as possible, I know it is inevitable. I can't bear another day of her silence.

"I promise." Her voice is a lot calmer now compared to the first day she discovered the intimate pictures. "I had a lot of time to process this too. Now I'm ready to have a proper conversation without snapping."

I set my gaze upon her emerald eyes, searching for anger, rage and hate but all I see is worry, sorrow and disappointment. She is the only person in the family who truly cares about me. There's so much wrinkle at the corner of her eyes as if she aged years in the matter of days. Finally the staring became too much and I averted my eyes to look at her hand instead.

Her hand is willowy from constantly typing, she works as an editor for books. Her fourth finger is where her engagement ring lies, that beautiful ring would shine in the darkest shade because it is a real blue diamond and in the sun it would emit a rainbow hue. She once told me this ring is worth an apartment. But now the ring is nowhere in sight, the pale skin underneath where the metal should be is contrast with the rest of her tanned hand, emphasising its absence.

"Where's the ring? Did you lose it?"

"Don't change the subject." Irritation ripples in her voice as if I dropped a big stone into the smooth undisturbed pond. She pulled down her shirt sleeves, covering up her naked finger.

My mouth opened and closed, and reopened. Where should I start? What is the beginning of the tragedy between me and Samson? At what moment did the terrible fate sealed? Is it when I posted the gardening tik tok video and he commented on it? Or is it when he slides into my dm and starts talking? Or is it when I chose to break up with him? Or is it every little thing that I've done that eventually led to the sudden downfall, like ten thousand snowflakes accumulating and causing the avalanche that buried me whole.

I shut my eyes in pain as I recall the memory of the past months, the memories that still replays like a horror movie every night. I tried not to think about them during the day but they still find their way to me at night, like a plague that cannot be chased away.

"Remember I had a gardening tik tok account?" I finally found my voice again.

She nodded.

"Well at first he'd just comment on my videos, until one day he messaged me and asked me if I wanna be friend."

"And you agreed?"

"Of course I did, I had no friends except for Bianca, plus he and I have so much in common, we both like gardening and we are the same age. Not to mention we both live in central Canada." I said defensively.

"But later you two become something more than friends?"

"We started talking everyday, we would send each other good morning and good night everyday. Everyday after school I'd tell every small thing that happened. Some things are as small as Bianca's new dress, an annoying substitute teacher, the lunch I made." my gut twisted when I think of the good old days. To be honest they were the happiest days of my life, until it wasn't. Was any of it even real? Or I just loved someone who I thought he was "He was such a nice boy, mom. He's so patient when he listens."

"Continue." my stepmother gave me a soft smile but it didn't reach her eyes.

"As time flew by I started to trust Sammy- ahem I mean Samson more. I started telling him more personal things."

"Like what?"

"Like the stuff happening at home." I gestured vaguely around the house and she stiffed. She didn't need any further explanation to know that I am talking about the beating and the unfair treatment I get. I know deep down she feels guilty for not daring to defy my father.

"So when he asked me to be his girlfriend at last, I agreed because I thought he is the best thing that ever happened to me." I blink my tears back, god how I wish I could just travel back in time and undo everything.

"Oh sweetheart…" my stepmom noticed my wet eyelashes and pulled me into a hug. I buried my head against her breast, feeling the motherly warmth. "Do you have a picture of that son of a bitch's face, we could report him to the police."

"Is no use mom. I already tried." Plus he's already dead, I didn't say it though because I can't tell her the exchange I did with a mafia. My stepmom already thinks I'm a slut, there's no point in adding more solid proof. "I don't have his picture anyways."

That was a lie. Of course I have his pictures. A few weeks into dating we got tired of texting and started craving to see each other's faces, so we started video calling. I'd screenshot when we are video calling. I had hundreds of his pictures in my albums. I even printed some of them in the school library and kept them as bookmarks. Looking at his handsome face used to motivate me to study harder, now it just makes me wanna kill myself.

"You stupid girl." her tone is soothing rather than scolding. "He could've been forty years old behind the screen, he could be selling your information to the dark web."

"I know, I know. I should have never sent them, I should have never even let him message me. Is just…he's my everything, I really wanted to please him…"

"Why did he leak those pictures? There's gotta be something that triggered him to do it. Or did he just wake up one day and did it because he's bored?" She continues her interrogation.

I swallowed down a hiccup and answered. "Because I broke up with him. When mid-term comes close I want to concentrate on my studies. You know how important grade twelve scores are, it pretty much determines your university. He refused to see my reasoning, and w-we had a huge argument. And the next thing I knew..my pictures were everywhere."

"That's all it takes for him to ruin your life?" she raised an eyebrow "I thought you cheated on him or something, son of a bitch."

"No mama, I would never cheat on him, I loved him with all my heart."

"But he didn't love you back."

"What if he did mama?" I said, short of breath and dizzy from crying so much. "He apologised after he did it. He said he wasn't thinking during the moment of anger. And he begged me to take him back."

"Oh sweetheart, love can't be toxic. If you feel toxic, it is not love. It's just an obsession." she cupped my cheek, gently rubbed away my tears with her thumb. Her face looked blurred through my tears but I can still tell that her eyes are glossy as well."I know how hard it is to walk out of a toxic relationship."

Because she is in one herself, I thought. Often late at night, I can hear her muffled scream and broom or ruler landing on her.

"I saw the red flag, mama, but I chose to ignore it." I put my hand over my face and cried hysterically. My mom wrapped an arm around me. For a while I just stayed there in silence.

"What did he do?"

I took a tissue and wiped away my snots. "One time we had an argument over something as stupid as what kind of flower makes the most beautiful funeral flower. The next day he created an alt to insult me and give me death threats."

"How do you know is him?"

"I know because the next morning when we were on call, I heard the notification beep whenever I sent him a text." I said between sobs. "He tried denying it, when he's unable to sway me he begged for my forgiveness and promised he'd never do it again. I was too weak then, I didn't have the heart to leave him."

"Oh dear, don't blame yourself. You are just trying to be understanding. That son of a bitch damaged your self esteem, he made you think no one else would want you. But trust me sweetheart, you are gonna find a man who loves you with all his heart, he will do anything for you, that man just hasn't shown up yet, but he will sometime during your life."

I nodded because I can barely speak through my hiccups. I know I must look super ugly right now but who cares.

"Mama, do you hate me?" I asked out of the blue.

"W-what" she seemed taken back by my sudden question. "Of course not sweetheart."

"Mommy I promise I am not a slut." I cried. "He lured me into doing it. He told me exchanging intimate pictures is just what lovers do. He said if I don't give him some then we are just normal friends. I didn't know any better because I had never been into a relationship before."

"I know I know.'' She strokes my hair gently. "I promise you I don't hate you. If I truly hate you I wouldn't even care if you shared nudes or not. I'm sorry I sound so mad the other day, I'm just worried for your wellbeing."

"Mhm."

"And I know you are scared of being alone. But you are not alone. You still have me and Bianca."

"Bianca ditched me because she doesn't wanna be seen with me in public." I said suddenly, my stepmom's eyes widened in shock.

"She did what? But you guys are inseparable!"

I shrugged. "But David has been friendly to me, he even hung out with me at lunch."

"David Singh? The one who won't stop tormenting you?"

"Yea, surprisingly." I told her everything that happened between David and I in the past few days including those indications he said.

"Sounds like he has a crush on you." my mom giggled through her tears "You know sometimes boys like to bully the girls they like to get their attention."

"No way!"

"David could have been such a good boyfriend. He's rich, he's tall, he's handsome, he plays basketball and you said he has the second highest academic achievement."

"There's no way I could forget how he ruined my childhood and teenage years just because he's been nice to me for one week. Besides, I'm not really ready for a relationship after Samson, I don't think I'll ever be ready. I'm not ready to commit and trust. He drained all my hope. I-" I muttered until she interrupted me.

"Is ok sweetheart, take it slow."

"I feel like I can't commit again after this. Is like writing an essay, when you almost finished the teacher ripped it for no reason. You still remember how it begins and how it ends, but you are all out of rooms or hearts to write it again on a different paper." I say, my voice cracked for the thousandth time today.

"I know, I know, it's ok, all wounds heal, even heart wounds, it just takes time." She said, But how much time will it take?

It felt so good to finally let those things that I've kept inside to be out, as if someone lifted a heavy rock from my chest.

For the first time in a while, I didn't have a nightmare about Samson.