The day Diana met her first alien dawned like any other-with a dry, cottony mouth and a bad case of bed head. She didn't even have any warning because, unlike The X Files and sci-fi movies, she didn't see any lights in the sky and her TV image didn't go all snowy. That kind of pissed her off because, had she known she would be having an up-close-and-personal encounter with life from another planet, she might have at least brushed her hair and worn something other than her ragged robe, plaid boxer shorts, and loose tank top. This is definitely not my most attractive look.
Anyway, there she stood, ironing her underwear-being single left her with way too much time on her hands-when, suddenly, it appeared in the middle of her living room. It wasn't a spectacular living room as living rooms went, outfitted with a second-hand, sagging couch and chair, a coffee table that wobbled, and some kind of Oriental print rug in bad need of a beating. A receptionist's salary didn't go far in the city.
Needless to say, when it appeared, it did so right on top of her flimsy coffee table, which under its weight collapsed, something her visitor absently noted when it looked down at its bare and fairly large feet.
Studying it in shock, Diana amended the 'it' part to 'Holy Hunk' because, if it hadn't been for the fact that his skin shone a startling sky blue, she would have mistaken him for some super-hot underwear model, one who magically appeared in her living room, only sans the underwear.
Good thing he's hung like a . . .
With flaming cheeks, Diana quickly averted her gaze, but his sizable endowment stayed with her, and flustered, she stammered, "Wh-Who are you?" Other than the most gorgeous naked man I've ever seen. She was so startled by her naked visitor that she accidentally left the iron lying on her underwear too long and a burning smell wafted up. Nose twitching, Diana quickly set the iron upright and looked down in dismay at the big burn mark on the ass of her favorite pair of undies. Damn.
So, of course, her blue alien chuckled. Yes, apparently creatures from space or alternate dimensions had senses of humor too.
"Greetings, earthling female," said a voice, smooth as hot, melted chocolate with just a hint of an accent. "I come in peace. I will be your leader."
Startled by her alien's horrible B-movie speech, Diana said the only thing that came to mind. "Um, isn't that supposed to be 'Take me to your leader'?"
Brilliant white teeth that shone opalescent like pearls between darker blue lips appeared when he smiled. "No, you heard me correctly, earthling. I've come to be your leader."
Diana laughed. She just couldn't help herself. Of all the things she expected him to say, that had to rank as one of the dumbest. His face remained quite serious, though, so, of course, she continued to howl, even when she saw a tinge of annoyance draw his handsome features tight.
"I fail to see the humor, earthling female. I will be your leader. You will respect me as is my due."
Diana cackled again, wiping the tears in her eyes with the back of her hand. "Oh, you are so funny. And just how is one naked alien going to convince the world that he's now their new leader?" Diana giggled anew at the thought of him aiming that weapon between his legs. Given its size, he'd definitely intimidate the male population and make the female one swoon.
A frown met her answer, followed by a wide Colgate smile, which made Diana wonder, Do aliens brush their teeth?
"I never said I intended to rule the world, earthling. I've come to be your leader. You have been chosen by the oracle and the spirits of my ancestors to be my mate," he stated with a self-satisfied grin.
That comment rendered Diana speechless. She could almost hear the thump as her jaw hit the floor. His mate? Diana knew, at this point, she had to be hallucinating. Super-hot aliens did not suddenly appear on a lazy Sunday morning to claim size-fourteen plumpers in their don't-answer-the-door-clothes as their mates. Maybe she'd eaten some bad potato chips.
Shame about the mental lapse, though, because Mr. Blue could probably be found under the definition of gorgeous. After all, what wasn't there to like on his six-foot-something frame with abs she could bounce quarters off? With short ebony hair that curled slightly at the tips, a tapered waist, muscled legs, bulging arms, and that club between his legs-which, shockingly enough, appeared bald-he also defined the word 'yummy'. While she contemplated his perfection, he assumed her acquiescence.
"Now that you understand," he said, gesturing to her impatiently, "disrobe that we may perform the bonding ceremony and be on our way."
Make that the definition of arrogance. Just who does he think he is? "Excuse me? Did you say you wanted me to undress?"
"Yes, this is part of the ritual. Fear not. Your clothing will be replaced with something more appropriate for space travel. Besides," Mr. Blue said, looking at her outfit disdainfully, "you cannot mean to tell me that you are attached to such unattractive garments."
Diana drew her ratty robe more tightly around her and tilted her head regally. "Ugly clothes or not, they are staying on. And I never said I agreed to any bonding ritual. This is a joke, right? Some of the guys at work have paid you to play a trick on me. Ha! Ha! So funny. You can come out now. Where'd you hide the camera?"
"Do you babble often without making sense?" her alien finally interjected.
"Oh, please. How gullible do you think I am? I'll admit you might have had me fooled there for a second 'til you asked me to take my clothes off."
Mr. Blue sighed in exasperation. "I assure you this is quite serious. Now, stop your pointless arguing and disrobe that we may get the ritual over with and be on our way."
Did this alien live on some kind of caveman planet, ordering her about like some harem girl? Hmmm, now that had some interesting visuals. Reining in her naughty thoughts, Diana glared at the source of her frazzled mood. Did he really think that he could simply materialize into her life and she'd become his willing love slave? Hadn't he heard of women's lib?
At his impatient look, she replied sarcastically, "Yeah, well, good luck with that. You might be hot for an alien guy, but I am single and staying that way, and the clothes are not coming off."
Although, on second thought, maybe I should get naked. After all, it's not like I'm a virgin, and to be honest, when will I ever get another chance to play alien probe with a hottie like this?
Blue's ebony brows drew over his clear violet eyes, and when he spoke again, he'd lost some of his arrogance. "You don't wish to be my mate?" The idea seemed to flummox him.
"Look, I appreciate the offer, but even though this must be some kind of weird hallucination or joke, come on, your mate? That sounds like a long-term commitment to me, and well, I just don't think that's going to work. We've just met, after all, and I know nothing about you, not even, for example, your name."
"Kor'iander Vel Menos, but you may call me Kor. I am descended from the Third Moon clan, the primary line, of course, and I have the post of first warrior to the Third Moon regiment," he said with a bow, marred only by the swinging appendage between his legs, which made her blush crimson again.
Gathering her composure, Diana looked him in the eye-no lower. "Nice to meet you, Kor, but I'm still not going to be your mate. Now why don't you go back to where you came from and meet some nice blue-skinned girl and get married? You'll be much happier."
"This isn't how it's supposed to happen," he muttered darkly.
"Sorry, but that's how it's going to be," Diana said primly. Although her shameless side was screaming, Take my clothes off and have your way with me, you big hunk of stud!
And then Diana wondered if he'd read her last thought, for, with a curse-or at least she assumed he cursed, as he spoke in an odd guttural language-he strode all six-foot-something of blue nakedness over to her and grabbed her by the arms. Diana, stunned, didn't even think to scream. She gaped up at him, utterly distracted by the tingling his closeness created in her body, and she wondered if his lips would taste like blue raspberry.
"Now," he barked.
Now what? Diana wondered. But as it turned out, he wasn't speaking to her.
And her lack of action, caused by her overactive hormones, was what led to her being on board her very first alien spacecraft.
Not that she admired it for very long because she felt a prick in her arm and fell-make that crashed-to the floor in a dead sleep.