Sophia

Monday morning 11th March 2019

After giving it much thought I decided to get treated. I walked for hours in and out of clinics and yet not one doctor, not one psychiatrist can tell me exactly what's wrong. "Tell me how you feel", they say. I cannot, I don't know how I feel. Am I empty? Am I lonely? Maybe.

It was a quarter past 4 when I decided to finally give up. Prescribed to over 15 types of medication, I really didn't know what to do. I took the bus home as usual. The ride home always brought about something, I couldn't really make up what it was but a sense of emptiness? I really wish I knew.

I was greeted by a strange man, all pale, not a smile in his face but just blank. "I am Harold and I can help you" he said. He then put his hand into his coat pocket and pulled out a chit of paper, handed it over and walked away. I stood there, baffled as I read the paper, "you are like us all", it said. Confused I continued my walk into my apartment. The smell of dust and hot coffee filled the air, it seem to always calm me down and help give a less stressful end to my day.

I live with my roommate, Sophia. The only person who helps me feel normal. She always puts me above all and did confess her love to me as well. However, my condition restricted me from feeling the same. This left her miserable for a couple months but despite all that she stuck by my side and I hope someday, someway I will be able to love her as well.

We had dinner at around 8 when she popped the question, "how was the doctors' visits?". My brain told me to tell the truth but I couldn't, I can't let her down again, "great!", I replied. My blank emotions do help me lie often but at what cost? We ended our dinner and as usual she did the dishes, my eyes kept gazing at her. She looked so beautiful as her eyes sparkled in the moonlight which shined through the kitchen window. But that was it, I couldn't feel anything more.

We tidied up the place a bit more and went to sleep at around 9.30, and as usual right before she left my room she leaned in towards me, every day I push myself to lean forward as well but I just can't. I leaned backwards, as she smiled and turned to leave the room. It hurt! Seeing her being rejected by nobody but myself after all she's done for me. Goodnight she said as she left my room. I lay down to go to bed with these thoughts in my head each night.

Today however was different, many minutes passed by but I couldn't fall asleep. The subtle cries could be heard over the sound of my air conditioner. Suddenly, something, a feeling I've never felt. An urge to comfort her, an urge to console her, an urge to tell her how I felt. I walked out my room and hurried down the corridor. I knocked on her door and entered her room. She sat there on her bed, tear soaked and cold. "Can I help you?", she asked. My palms clenched, my heartbeat rose, I started to sweat and then it happened. i approached her as I whispered, "I love you".