Chapter 27
!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!! Mention of suicide Discussion about bullying and depression
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Hakaru gives Eiharu a look, observing the other guy. It doesn’t seem like Eiharu asks just because, and since Hakaru already knows the brief situation between Eiharu, his brother, and the other guy he has no idea the name and face, he can roughly guess why Eiharu asks that question.
“I’m not trying to give riddles,” Eiharu mistook Hakaru’s silence, so he elaborated a bit as a context without being asked, “It’s just… I’ve been seeing people I haven’t met for so long. And they aren’t just… acquaintance. They were more… how do I say it…”
“Important?”
Eiharu doesn’t give an immediate answer, but his expression clearly disagrees, “No, not important. Uh… significant?”
“Oh, okay.” Hakaru nods. “And then?”
“And like… of all people I know, I wonder why it has to be them? Why is the time I spend cooped in my room to avoid them seemingly useless?”
“I see. Well, from your point of view, it’s kind of unnerving, yeah?” Hakaru inhales deeply and ponders a bit, thinking about what to say. “Do you know that my brother doesn’t believe in fate?”
“No, but I kind of understand why.”
“Oh, so you know he’s quite ambitious and hot-headed inside?” Hakaru chuckles. “He doesn’t believe something definite like fate. He thinks human has the strength to write their own fate, but he admits not everyone has the will to do so.
“As for me, I see fate as a goal. The outcome. It has been written, but that doesn’t mean we can’t change the final result. The choices we make as we live and walk towards that end goal change the outcome of our goal. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Kind of, yeah.”
“I believe fate exists, but it’s not something definite. Like how we are all fated to die, we can choose how we die and how we want to be remembered. We carve the path as we live and lead to a better fate than we predestined. We can decide how to leave our legacy.”
Eiharu gives him a strange look. “You… say something uncharacteristically nice.”
“I always have something nice to say, mind you.” Hakaru snorts. Eiharu says nothing more, seemingly too busy to rethink what Hakaru said. Hakaru let him be, knowing exactly what bothers Eiharu’s mind. But, in the end, he adds, “Despite what I just said, I think it’s fate that you met my brother and that guy again.”
“What?”
“Maybe it’s a sign for you to face your problem.”
Eiharu is speechless. He hasn’t mentioned to anyone that he saw Toshiya. He can briefly understand if Hakaru heard about that guy from Kanryou, though Kanryou should have no idea about that brief meeting yet. Then, how do Hakaru find out?
“...how do you know?”
“I don’t know what happened between the three of you back then, so I can’t comment about the past.” Hakaru purposely ignores Eiharu’s question. “However, I can assure you that it’s different now. You’re not alone, Ei. you have me. You have my brother. If that bastard did something to you again, we won’t stay silent. It’s probably hard for you not to be scared anymore, but believe me when I say we won’t let you face it alone.”
Eiharu eyes him suspiciously. Hakaru purposely ignores his question; he knows. Many questions are swirling inside Eiharu’s mind, and he thought he was unsure how to voice them out. So, he decides to brush off his suspicion for now.
“I… am not ready to talk about it yet.” Eiharu lowers his head. “But I understand that… I have to talk in the end.”
“It’s okay. As I told you, I will wait. I just won’t stop myself from asking. Whether you want to answer or not, it’s up to you.”
“Unlike now, I often wished to have someone willing to… listen to my ramblings.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to have one anymore?”
Eiharu can’t answer. He hesitates.
“Back then, right now, or even the day after tomorrow, no one can live by himself, Ei. We’re human, after all. We’re designed to have a connection. Don’t beat yourself that badly just because you long for a connection.”
“It’s easy for you to say that.”
“Don’t get me wrong. I struggle, too. Not everyone wants to have that connection with me; you were included. You clearly didn’t want me to be a part of your life.”
“That’s--!”
“Hold on, I’m not finished yet.” Hakaru raises his hand to stop Eiharu from retorting. “I’m not an introvert like you, so it’s hard for me to stay alone for a certain time. Since I understand not everyone shares my energy, I need to know when to give up while trying to approach someone. There will be times when no one is available to be with me. When that happened, I had to suck it up and cater to myself alone. Just like how you struggled to reach out to anyone when you need it because you think no one is by your side.”
“Strange enough, you haven’t given up on approaching me.”
“Well… at first, I was trying to impress Senri.” Hakaru laughs and scratches the back of his head awkwardly. “I wanted to see her proud smile for me by accomplishing the task she gave, though it was super trivial. But… you see, I thought about giving up a lot but didn’t. I don’t know why, but my guts tell me I shouldn’t give up on you.”
“Oh.” Eiharu is inwardly happy but doesn’t want to show it right on his face, so he involuntarily averts his gaze.
“Back to the topic,” fortunately, Hakaru doesn’t notice Eiharu’s gesture, “I consider you a friend, so I’m willing to help you resolve your problem. Not to mention, the topic is delicate enough that you’re uncomfortable talking about it off-handedly.”
“...yeah.”
“I won’t lie to you. I am eager to know. It’s not because it’s hot gossip or something. I genuinely want you to cut ties with that bastard who destroyed your life.”
“That’s an exaggeration.”
“Which part?”
“The, uh… ‘destroyed my life’ part?”
“Well? Did he not?”
Eiharu fell silent once again, unsure of what to say.
“Since we’re already on this topic, I will ask directly. Have you thought of it because of that bastard?”
“Thought about what?”
“Ending your life.”
Eiharu involuntarily grips his wrist as if trying to cover the scar. He hadn’t thought about it before; Hakaru and Kanryou had visited a couple of times. The scar around his wrist is clear enough for everyone to see. There is no way the brothers never notice it.
“See?” Hakaru understands immediately. “It’s fucked up, that’s why I’m angry.”
“...sorry.”
“Oh, I’m not angry at you. I’m angry at that bastard.”
“...why are you calling him that?”
“Because he made you like this, what else?”
“Yeah, I mean… why? Why are you angry?”
“No one messed with my friend, that’s why. He messed with you; he is instantly a bastard in my dictionary.”
Eiharu looks bewildered. As he knows that Hakaru and Kanryou are brothers, there are moments when their looks overlap with each other despite the contrast in their personalities. Eiharu only knows Kanryou as this gentle person he met long ago. Kanryou always gives off this good guy persona in their short face-to-face and digital exchange. He doesn’t strike Eiharu as someone who curses or gives bad nicknames to others. Hearing Hakaru swear and call Toshiya names somehow makes Eiharu uncomfortable, though he is relieved to know Hakaru is angry on his behalf.
“Um… thanks.” Eiharu can’t hide his discomfort. “You don’t have to, but… thanks.”
Honestly, after Eiharu’s wordless confirmation, Hakaru wants to throw more insults at Toshiya. But seeing how uncomfortable Eiharu looks, Hakaru refrains himself. He won’t call himself a good guy inside out. He has a terrible temper himself. But he is not that wicked and pushes others beyond their limit, to the point of having suicidal thoughts, just for fun. To make it worse, he now knows Eiharu tried to do it at least once. If one day Toshiya begs Eiharu for forgiveness, and if one day Eiharu decides to forgive Toshiya, Hakaru will never forgive that guy.
“If… I’m not trying to jinx you, but if the same thoughts reoccur, please… please tell me or my brother. Don’t keep it to yourself.”
Eiharu looks perplexed. Honestly, it’s not something he can do after the first offer. “...I’ll remember that.”
Hakaru smiles solemnly. He is not thoroughly convinced Eiharu would really remember. And if he did, there was a big chance Eiharu wouldn’t say a word to him or Kanryou. He can’t imagine the pain of enduring those deadly thoughts alone.
“Putting that aside,” Eiharu tries to shift the topic, “I’m curious how you… find out.”
“I know nothing, not as much as you thought.” Hakaru leans on the chair to make himself comfortable. “One day, I saw my brother looking upset. Just so you know, he rarely makes that kind of face, so I got curious. He told me that he met a Senpai from high school who he remember was bullied by a classmate. He felt bad because he didn’t immediately recognize that person, aka you, and the memory of his short acquaintance with you reoccurred after meeting you.”
“Oh…”
“And then…” Hakaru ponders if he needs to say it. He wants to protect Eiharu’s feelings, but nothing can be sorted out if each one of them keeps secrets by doing so. “And then…” he sighs, “Brother also told me that… he met the one who bullied you.”
Eiharu feels his heartbeat rising.
“Brother also didn’t recognize him. That bastard--I mean, that guy, was the one introducing himself. Turns out, that guy was the guardian of a VIP patient my brother was caring for. After that, brother was so upset he couldn’t control his expression before me.”
“Why was he… upset?”
“Because… it reminds him how he didn’t try harder to protect you before you suddenly stop showing yourself.” Hakaru inhales. “Look, I’m not the right person to tell you about this, but I can’t lie, okay? I’m the outsider between the three of you, so I probably have zero right to comment.”
Eiharu shakes his head. “I can’t control who he should and shouldn’t meet, can I?”
“That’s not the point, Ei.”
“I know. I just…” Eiharu shakes his head. “I don’t know what to say.”
Hakaru frowns, about to say something, but decides to continue his story first. “And then I told brother to protect you properly this time and shouldn’t let you and that guy see each other.”
“I don’t think telling him to protect me is a good idea. It’s not like I need protection despite being this weak.”
Hakaru waves his hand, ignoring Eiharu’s comment. “Brother was worried you two would meet by accident in the hospital. After all, you often visit to deliver Aunty’s lunch order, and that guy keeps coming back and forth for that VIP patient.”
“If I remember correctly, the patient was already discharged a while ago.”
“I don’t know. I didn’t ask about that.”
Eiharu thinks briefly. In one of the brief chats, Kanryou once said the VIP patient’s speedy recovery helped him to be discharged earlier. It happened long before Eiharu met Toshiya that day.
“I didn’t see him when Yukisada was still tending to that patient. He told me the patient got discharged earlier than scheduled.”
“Where did you see him, then?”
“...in front of the gate when I… caught a fever.”
“So he still comes, huh? Maybe to deal with the paperwork.”
“I don’t know about that.” Eiharu can’t fight the anxiety upon recalling that event. “I honestly don’t want to know.”
“Yeah, it’s not important,” Hakaru observes him. “Did he… know? Did he recognize you?”
Eiharu shakes his head again. “I always wear a mask outside, so he shouldn’t recognize me.”
“What happened?”
“I was… light-headed.” Eiharu inhales. His voice turns shaky. “I lied to Yukisada, saying I already feel better and… ready to go home. Only a few steps under the sun, and my heatstroke was acting up again.”
“And?”
“And… he helped me. He stopped me from crashing to the pole in front of me.”
Hakaru notices the faint yet erratic change in Eiharu’s gesture. He carefully gets closer without Eiharu noticing. “And then?”
“He… asked if I was okay and… offered to walk me back to the hospital. He also said… he knew a good doctor. He probably thought I was a patient who ran away.” Eiharu tries to push the clear details of Toshiya’s appearance from his mind. He doesn’t want to remember that face. He speaks fast unconsciously, unaware of the panic. “I immediately recognized him and rejected him. I said I was fine. I wanted to leave. I left before he realized who I was, or maybe I ran as fast as possible so it didn’t happen. I was upset hearing his nice voice because… it was the same as I remember, but I also knew he was still the same bastard deep inside. His smile and nice words are fake; that part didn’t change. No, I don’t think anything has changed. His voice, his face, his words, his smile, his--”
“Ei.” Hakaru grabs Eiharu’s shoulder and squeezes hard enough to snap Eiharu’s thoughts. “Enough. I get it.”
Eiharu looks at him with eyes widened. He is shaken. The memory of Toshiya he tried to bury resurfaced altogether. He hasn’t fully forgotten, if not unable to do so at all. Aside from the unimportant details of what Toshiya did, Eiharu failed to discard the recollection, sitting idly in the corner of his brain, waiting for it to be touched.
“You met him by accident. It’s okay. It’s not your fault.”
Hakaru reaches out to touch Eiharu’s hand, intending to calm him. Eiharu’s fingertips are cold. His chest is heaving up and down irregularly. He no longer stares at Hakaru in shock, currently gazing down at their hands and being so, so quiet.