Chapter 22

Eiharu woke up from the strong vibration of his phone in his pocket. His whole body feels sore yet numb, and the cold sweat he felt before hasn’t dissipated, if not drenching him more than before. He feels dizzy, and his eyes hurt. Sleeping with his glasses on feels so uncomfortable, so he takes it off and puts it away far enough on the bed so he won’t accidentally sit or step on it.

-I… fell asleep?-

He tries to stretch out his limbs. Sleeping in that position hurts his joints. When he reached his pocket to get his phone, it already stopped vibrating. On the screen, missed calls and unread texts from his mother filled the notification bar. He isn’t in the mood to respond to it yet, so he only scrolls past the list. But his finger stopped moving when a name popped up below.

Yukisada…

With that many unread messages and unanswered calls, Eiharu can’t see the content of Kanryou’s message. In a normal situation, he would be so eager to check. But right now, he has no energy to talk to anyone. As he’s about to put away his phone, it vibrates again. Haruna is calling.

-…no-

Haruna’s voice is the last thing he wants to hear right now. He wants to be alone. Just imagining her scolding hurts his head so much, so Eiharu ignores it and changes his phone settings to a completely silent mode.

Before he puts his phone on the table, he involuntarily glances at the time. Three hours have passed since he returned home. Eiharu couldn’t remember how he did that; everything blurred as he pushed himself to keep walking. He only remembered seeing his house from afar and continued walking. He has no recollection of how he managed to arrive without passing out, whether he locked the front door or not, as he walked or crawled to his bedroom.

Eiharu wipes the sweat away from his forehead and notices how hot his temperature becomes.

-Fever in this situation…-

He inhales shakily. No wonder he feels his vision is spinning. The churn in his stomach, whether the fever or anxiety causes it, barely means anything at this point. He’s hot, dizzy, dehydrated, and sore muscles. He feels exhausted and terrified, yet he has no energy to actually ‘feel’ his feelings. With his mind still half awake, his consciousness is floating between the dreamland. Maybe it’s best for now so he doesn’t linger around his negative thoughts for a brief moment.

While mustering all his energy, Eiharu removes his damp jacket and curls back under the blanket. It’s hot, yet, he is shivering. The AC is working just fine, even though he feels no better with the cold air circulating. Eiharu ignores the discomfort and covers his whole body with the blanket. He shuts his eyes tight, hoping the sleep takes over fast.

.

.

When Haruna arrives home, the gate is locked, but the front door isn’t. With a frown, she carefully enters the house as she is a bit paranoid that a burglar is inside. Good thing, there seems to be no one suspicious around. She saw Eiharu’s shoes carelessly placed at the front door, which meant he was inside somewhere; possibly in his bedroom.

“Eiharu?”

No answers. After putting down her stuff, she checks upstairs. The door is closed as usual.

“Eiharu, are you in?” She knocks twice, but no answer, still, so she tries to twist the knob. Eiharu doesn’t always lock his door, but he often gets upset if she enters without his permission. In her defense, it’s his fault for not answering her calls. “Eiharu--”

On the bed is a big lump covered by the blanket. Haruna roughly pulls the blanket, ready to scold Eiharu, but halts before any words slip from her lips.

“Eiharu, are you okay?”

Haruna touches his burning forehead. He is sweating profusely despite shivering. His fingers and toes are cold; freezing, even. Yet, his face was red from the fever.

“...why are you sleeping like this?”

Haruna sighs and goes downstairs to get the first aid. She prepares cold water and a damp towel as well before returning to his room. After staring at Eiharu’s bad sleeping posture with a blatant disagreeing look, she decides to keep her comments to herself, not voicing out her displeasure while wiping away his sweat.

-You’re already this old and still having your mother dealing with your fever-

She is worried, naturally. But like most Asian mothers out there, her foul mouth doesn’t stop being awful just because she is worried. It’s not like she doesn’t want to take care of him--she does, but her sharp comments come as an automatic response. And she doesn’t understand that if no healthy person wants to hear it, then a sick person surely doesn’t want to listen to it either.

After putting a cool-aid on his forehead, Haruna fixed his posture as much as she could without waking him up, then properly tucked him under the blanket. She had already put a glass of water and medicine on the nightstand so Eiharu could take it when he was awake. She gives a last glance before closing the door behind her, hoping for his recovery, then walks downstairs looking for her phone to call a specific number.

‘Yes, Seisichi-san. How is he?’

“He catches a cold, Yukisada-kun. His fever is quite high.”

‘Is he… okay?’

“Aside from his fever, I think he’s okay. Did he forced himself to go back with his heatstroke?”

‘...probably.’

“He lied to you about feeling okay, didn’t he? Sigh, that kid always does that. He complains when he gets sick but he doesn’t look after himself. Everyone is worried, but he carelessly--Ah, I don’t know what to say anymore.”

‘Let’s just let him rest for now. Maybe he’s shaken.’

“Hmm? Did something happen?”

‘Ah-- No, nothing. Anyway, since he’s home, I’m already less worried. Thank you for telling me, Seishichi-san. You better rest, too.’

“Yeah. I’m tired. Good night.”

‘Good night.’

Haruna huffs tiredly. She glances towards Eiharu’s door again, huffing again, before retiring to her own room.

.

.

It’s a familiar sight and air, but one Eiharu doesn’t want to recall, ever.

He stares at his own reflection in the window’s glass in disbelief. The image of himself, much younger than he should be, is staring back at him the same way; clearly frightened. He tries to touch his own face, pulling the uniform he is wearing, and lightly shakes his head to see how his long bangs stir, and the more he is aware of his situation, the more his heart skipping beats.

-This is… a dream-

A nightmare; the endless loop he is often caught in and unable to break away. Although he is fully aware he is simply dreaming, it doesn’t help him force himself to wake up. All he can do is follow the plot of this dream, whatever it is about.

Eiharu raises his gaze. The window of his classroom is visible from this place. He often hid at the old, unused faculty office, just a few meters away from his classroom’s building. Whenever he isn’t in the infirmary, he always sits here silently, staring at the window and dozing off. Albeit he can see clearly the rooms, his position is hidden behind the bushes covering the fences, and with almost no one passing the road aside from school janitors, no one seems to realise he was there.

He walks toward the usual spot he sat in, staring at it for a while before actually sitting down. Crossing his legs, leaning on the walls, and raises his head, staring at particularly nothing despite his eyes seemingly glued on the sky; his mind is wandering far, far away.

-I am in another dream of those days-

Eiharu hates his high school life the most. It was the turning point when his world turned upside down; from his parents’ relationship that past returning point, the bullying he got from his classmates even though he did nothing, his inability to stand up for himself, and a lot more that he didn’t bother to remember one by one. All he knew was he was unwanted. Unneeded. Useless. Burden. You name it; he has heard all of them from many mouths.

Both places gave him no sense of comfort and protection, whether at home or school. He was always on edge. He looked at people suspiciously. He didn’t talk much, and when he did, his words were often crude and dismissive. As he grew older, he realised his response towards anyone approaching him was also the cause of his isolation, as it works both ways. But the younger him didn’t know that. Besides, he had no one to lay his heart bare. He didn’t dare to do so, either.

-But… I met him around this time of the year, wasn’t it?-

Or, rather, the time when he noticed Kanryou’s existence around him.

Eiharu stands and walks towards the infirmary. The school doctor is out as usual, and Eiharu casually takes the farthest bed; his favourite spot to hide. He sits on the bed and stares at the sky outside the window to reminisce. Eiharu touches his chest and feels the anxiety; apparent from how his heartbeat is beating irregularly. Slow, but irregular, always. He lives with the unknown fear of being exposed for too long that he thought his condition was normal. His unreasonable fear and anxiousness tagged along, refusing to leave him alone even in his dream.

The door is opened behind him, and Eiharu involuntarily turns his head. In that moment, his point of view shifts. He can see himself sitting on the bed and dozing off, also seeing a certain someone silently walk closer.

-Yukisada… Kanryou…-

In a dream, anything can happen. Eiharu didn’t remember this part in his memories, so he concluded this was the fantasy that only existed in his dream. Maybe a tiny part of his younger self once dreamed of this non-existent encounter.

“Senpai, you’re skipping class again.” Kanryou’s lips purses. He clearly disapproves of Eiharu’s habit of skipping classes. “What’s your excuse this time?”

“Headache.”

“Because you stayed up late again?”

“Mm.”

“And why did you?”

“I can’t sleep.” Eiharu sees himself inhaling deeply. “I’m tired seeing nightmares.”

Kanryou doesn’t respond for a long while, just staring at Eiharu’s back with arms crossed. His expression appears a bit blurred.

“Alright. You can sleep here for now, but you have to return for the next class, okay? I’m worried your absence will affect your grade.”

Kanryou leaves him--them--alone. Eiharu sees himself lying on the bed and closes his eyes. He looks like he is in a deep sleep, but Eiharu knows better. He was never fully asleep in this place. The only space that could offer the faint and semi solitude still not enough to ease his heart. He was asleep, but he was fully aware that he was sleeping. In that case, was he really asleep with his mind still floating in between, on guard and wary?

The scene shifts. Eiharu is in his classroom, staring at the board, not listening to the lecture despite his hands moving diligently to write whatever the teacher writes on the board. Eiharu looks down to see his own handwriting. Since he was young, he tried to keep his notebook neat and easy to read. He used different colours and pens to mark various points even though he barely reread them at home.

-Come to think of it, I don’t remember how I even studied-

The monotone hours that seemed slow to pass, Eiharu languidly lived his dull days doing the same chores. He should be used to it, but he got used to the anxiousness instead. He used to feel the edge, tension, and calm before the storm. He counted the seconds, waiting for anything to happen. He prepared himself for another clash. His body already remembers the pattern.

But it didn’t make him any less scared, nonetheless.

When he sweeps his gaze and sees that red hair, his heart stops beating momentarily. He swears he can feel cold-sweating despite knowing this is merely a dream.

His calm expression as he listened to the lecture, his fingers playing with the pen, how he wrote down the notes without lowering his gaze…

-Yuzawa… Toshiya-

“Why me?” Eiharu unconsciously voiced out his thoughts. “Why did you always… pick at me?

“We were never close despite sharing the same homeroom since the first year.

“I avoided everyone including you, so you couldn’t use my silence as an excuse to… do things. To corner me.

“I kept my distance so I don’t cause any inconvenience. You were the one who approached me.

“You were the one who stepped over the boundaries, yet you made it as if it was all because of me.

“I don’t even understand why you hate me that much. Beneath that smile… behind your sweet words…”

Eiharu lowers his head. The words he couldn’t say back then flew without him knowing. The one-sided conversation between him and the Toshiya of his dream can only happen here. Only in this place, does he have the courage to open his mouth. Only in this place, does he have the nerve to look at Toshiya without cowering. Only in this place, does he have the strength to retaliate. Because he knows no one can see him or hear him no matter how much he screams out his heart here.

“Just… what did I do to you, Toshiya…”

“You know, being friends means a two-way relationship,” Eiharu turns rigid hearing Toshiya’s voice coming from behind, “I give you something, and you give me something in return. You can’t always expect someone else to do the bidding for you just because you’re scared.”

Eiharu feels the chill, the same eeriness whenever he and Toshiya are within a certain distance.

“You’re selfish, Eiharu. You want to keep being a receiver.”

“I… am not…”

The whole room turned dark. Eiharu is no longer in the classroom he feared, but a black space with no corner or end. Behind him, the clicking sound of heels against the floor getting closer to where he is standing. The louder it sounds, the clearer it echoes, the closer it gets. Eiharu’s fear almost bursts out of his head and blocks his senses.

“You’re a parasite,” Toshiya’s whisper sends a shiver up his spine, but Eiharu is too scared even to breathe, “Someone like you always gets on my nerves.”

.

.

Eiharu’s eyes snap open. He pushes the blanket off himself and rolls around, curling like a turtle. His messy heartbeat feels painful against his ribcage. The cold sweat, his own burning fever, his panting breath and the dizziness coming from the massive headache hammering his head endlessly. The pain came from all sides; in and out, messing with his panicking brain and turning his guts uncomfortably. He is disoriented.

-A dream-

Was the only thing he could recall.

-But it felt incredibly real-

Eiharu blinked his eyes a few times and wiped the tears away. His blurry sight adds more to his confusion. The dark room doesn’t help him get a hold of himself. Burning and shivering, disoriented and confused, Eiharu’s mouth open, and he’s about to scream out his frustration.

However, no sound ever came out.