Denial, A King’s Greatest Fear

[AGUST]

"I'm coming in whether you like it or not," the voice insisted, and Agust shrugged.

"Whatever floats your boat, So Hee," Agust said as he floated in and out of consciousness. He wasn't sure he had anything to say to his best friend because right now, he needed So Hee more than he ever thought possible.

"Xiao Xiao…" Agust heard and he could have sworn he was a little too fucked up to be thinking of the one person who he was sure hated the hell out of him. Agust missed Jiminie so much that it hurt to even think of Jiminie. 

He had wanted to go to Kiyoto more than once, and frankly, even at this moment, it was tempting to get up and go take his erasthai. But he had also thought of the consequences of that. 

King Ming Xiao Zhu had tried to make a perfect excuse, but even to this day, Agust didn't have a particular reason. He had broken the heart of the one person that he should have protected and if this was the universe's way of reminding him of how much of a fuck up he was, then Agust wouldn't object. 

"I'm so sorry, my beautiful. You deserve way better than me and the fates wronged you for that. Perhaps if I die first I can ask them to give you a better mate, someone who wouldn't be a coward like me," Agust whispered as he slowly gave into the darkness that had been looming over him for the past few weeks. 

Agust had lost every reason to keep on living, and he despised himself so much that anyone would walk in and want to kill him and Agust wouldn't object. He was at his lowest, even as the lavender scent invaded his nose. 

Then again as much as he wanted to say that it was a fresh lavender scent, the king couldn't say that. He had been too stuck in his delusions of Jiminie to even think for himself. 

His mind had fucked him up for the past few weeks, and he was sure he was still trapped in the hallucinations. Honestly, he didn't mind, because this was way better than having to face his erasthai and try to explain why he had disappeared. 

"Xiao Xiao," Agust heard again and this time, he lifted his head to look in the direction of the voice because he may have been a delinquent, but no one would ever be able to copy that sweet honeyed voice. 

Only his Jiminie would ever manage that. Only his Jiminie would ever be able to make it make sense for him and hells be damned if he didn't pay more attention to the voice this time. He probably needed to figure it out bit by bit.

"My beautiful… are you here?" Agust asked, his eyes squinting as he struggled to stay awake. 

He had drunk himself stupid over the past weeks but for his Jiminie, he was willing to reclaim his life. It's funny how he had been a track star when Jiminie needed him; perhaps this was his chance at a new normal.

"What happened to you? Did someone attack Helia?" 

"You really are here," Agust whimpered in shame as he watched his erasthai come closer to him. He still reeked of Jiminie's blood and it wasn't exactly the thing he wanted to show him. But then here he was, without anything to offer the love of his life. 

King Agust had so many questions, especially when he heard his best friend's voice.

"You both look like you need to talk. I'll go tend to my duties now, Prince Consort," Kim So Hee said, not even acknowledging Agust's presence. That in itself was something that the king could easily hand her for, but he couldn't. 

This wasn't just his enforcer but his friend for so many years. He had fucked up and he knew that so damn well that he wouldn't pretend that he was going to ride on his enforcer's pity. 

Hell, King Agust himself knew that he didn't even deserve the pity that anyone would show him. 

However, no one had really ever managed to get into that room before anyway. And even if they were able to, none were suicidal enough to talk to the king like they were mates or even to make the king understand just how badly he had fucked up this time. 

It was shameful for the king and thankfully, he knew it. But what were the chances that he was never going to get back to normal?

"What the hell happened to you?" Jiminie asked worriedly and Agust flinched at the kindness in his Erasthai's voice. 

He had been expecting Jiminie to be cruel to him, to blame him for all that had happened. Or for him to be angry and want Agust's head for the madness that had occurred in the last few weeks.

Despite all of that, his erasthai was here, concern on his face for the man he should have sought answers from. The man he should have been angry with regardless of what state he had found Agust in, and frankly, that broke Agust's already broken heart. 

"I'm fine," Agust said as he struggled to sit up.

"No, you're not. Here, let me help," Jiminie said as he crouched on the ground next to Agust. He then took the bottle that was in his hand and put it on the side, like he didn't want the king drinking himself stupid, like that was supposed to make it better.

"Oh dear, you're still in your bloodied clothes. Don't you have servants in Helia? They should be here to make sure you're in the right headspace. I will definitely have a word with them. How dare they leave their ring like this," Jiminie complained angrily. 

He looked so determined to make Agust's life better, that it was sickeningly sweet on all fronts. The reality was staring at the Lycan king in ways more than once and King Ming Xiao Zhu had to bite back the tears that were threatening to fall for his erasthai. 

He could see that Jiminie hadn't grieved. 

His erasthai was acting like everything was normal and the fact that he was here caring for Agust instead of killing the man or even wishing him the cruelest of deaths, made Agust finally understand what people meant by him being the worst of the entire realm. 

He had shattered Jiminie's heart, and the alpha was scared of facing his truths. 

Agust had turned the strongest alpha into an empty shell that seemed to be motivated by taking care of others instead of himself. It was something that he would never forgive himself for, no matter how long he had to deal with his anger.

"I'm fine, Jiminie. I really am," Agust insisted and Jiminie tsked as he pulled the bloodied robe off of his erasthai, throwing it to the side like a domesticated wife who was taking care of her husband. He loved Agust's, but was that enough to keep hiding his pain?

"I'm sorry about this, Xiao Xiao, but it's the only way I learned to get you to heal faster and make you feel better," Jiminie said, and before Agust could say anything, the Kiyoto alpha slammed his lips tenderly against the Lycan king's lips.

And at that moment, Agust let his tears free as he mourned his Erasthai's pain.