Envy

Robin:

On the journey home, we're totally different people, returning to our totally different lives from before. Part of me fears we might not even come home to who we were together.

In trying to help everyone, I alienated the one person I want to be with the most. Forgetting their feels whilst I remembered those that belong to strangers and faceless nameless internet followers. I've done a bad, and I need to make it up to Jay somehow, but I don't know how.

The envy between us has grown too strong, perhaps. I'll never forget the way Jay looked up at me from that sauce-covered table whilst I was on stage addressing a crowd of thousands. Of course it looked like I'd forgotten, but I never, ever would have. 

On the plane home I just couldn't stop crying because I felt like I'd wrecked everything, and even when Jay told me I hadn't I couldn't believe it. I've been a snotty, snarling mess, even now as we get back to London. Mercifully, Jay has agreed to stay my flat so we have a chance to talk about it – about our one big bust up, so far I guess – but I think it might just be because my place is closer to the airport and it's late.

The eight hour flight from the states to the UK is kind to no one, and both our eyes are raw, bloodshot messes. We didn't even get to say goodbye to Whispersong our row was so blazing, and Jay doesn't know that I saw the moment they discussed how filming might work if we weren't all together.

That's right, we're wearing microphones right now, even in our private moments, and only allowed to take them off in extreme moments of privacy, which thankfully I consider to be any time I bloody well decide. There are rulebreakers and rule followers and the past few hours have shown who is who.

It's entirely possible this will be the biggest fight of Jay's life, but it's a walk in the park for me, and even if I lose I'll go down swinging. In what world am I the bad guy for doing what I did? It's not my fault if people can't get a tan in my shadow, they should just move out of the way.

Can you imagine being selfish enough to feel pain at the sight of another's good fortune? Especially when they worked for it, displayed courage and talent and ultimately never gave up. 

*** 

Jay:

An extended stay outside of the comfort zone was never what I was looking for. France was a stretch, New York was a whole other thing, and rather than break through my limitations I've simply developed new, smaller ones. I don't want to be away from the things I can control, and I understand that control is an illusion in this world, but it's one I LIKE and nobody ever got my consent to take it away. 

This most potent cause of unhappiness means that whilst others crave freedom, I crave a cage of good old-fashioned work. Repetitive tasks, performed admirably, is where I'm happy. Robin is words, but I'm numbers. Numbers are far safer, and easier to control, and they don't talk back, not like those voices…

Extroverts like Robin might draw their energy from others, but the energy of others draws mine from me and I want to crawl back into my hotel room and recharge on my own in the dark with room service, clean clothes and sheets, and ZERO expectations on how I might be able to suddenly help millions of other people.

I don't appreciate the assumption that we're all out for everyone else. I'd love it if taking care of me took care of other people too, but frankly it doesn't and I'm not willing to pretend putting others first has ever got me anywhere.

Problem is, getting through airport security and customs took ages and I forgot to charge my phone in New York after I used it all up posting to my 45 million followers – I have more than Robin now, cos I'm smarter – and my place is so far from the airport.

I'll need to crash at Robin's just to get a charge, and I'm going to even though it feels straight up fake and evil. Robin has been drinking for hours, claiming envy at my lack of fear of flying, but I didn't have the stomach for it. All I've wanted is to sink since that stupid eating contest. 

I can't help but think I might be affected by the things we've seen and done since the gig the night we thought we might die, and I make a mental note to let the boss know he'll need to sort me a counsellor if he wants me at peak performance.

***

Robin:

You won't believe the sheer cheek of this; Jay is trying to sneak out after putting a little clip on mic on me! I can't even tell if this is a case of following orders, or just being a team sport! I'm livid, and I'm willing to show it, so as I rise from the cold of this sexless bed I throw my full glass of water at the wall next to the fleeing Jay.

"You think you can just leave? Just run away back to the comfort of your work and all it's familiarity and comfort?" I demand through bright hot tears of selfishness. Jay ducked when I threw the glass, but extends fully now, standing tall and looking so much older, wiser than I must in this moment, cocooned in a blanket and wearing the oversized hoodie I slept in.

"Don't you know I envy you?" I ask both Jay and the microphone clipped onto my collar. Assuming I've failed the task and that it's all over, I unclip it and crush it to pieces on my bedside table using the underside of my phone as Jay leaves without a word.

It's time. I'm going to do my first livestream to my 42 million followers.

I load up the app and hit the button. When my face blows up on the screen, I don't recognise what I'm seeing. Just the flesh and features of what could be anyone, which helps to prove my point I guess.

"Guys, first time, be merciful.

Be New Testament merciful because the envy of the Devil brought death to the world.

Old Testament is straight up bleak. Like, we're meant to be doing challenges about sins right now, but life is so much bigger than that, and I want you to know that if anyone has ever left you to go to work and you've wondered what to do with your day, you'll know what I'm feeling right now.

Some people think envy was the first sin, on account of it driving Abel to murder his brother Cain, who he saw as being more favoured by God. It sounds stupid, but this happens to all of us every day if we think about it. How we're perceived by others is often more important than how we're perceived by ourselves, because – if you're anything like me – you perceive yourself as a fat, useless piece of shit.

That's all I really wanted to say."

I stop the recording and put the phone down, burying my face in the pillow as I see the time is half 9 and I have nothing do without Jay or Whispersong. I'm envious of who I was just an hour ago.

But then it happens.

My phone starts to vibrate with the fury of thousands of incoming messages. Ferret thankfully showed us how to install an app that sorts those by the ones we're most likely to be interested in seeing first, and whilst I spot one from Badger, there are two above it, from accounts with nonsensical names:

"Robin, U R US, we get it, we're you."

And 

"Keep your head up Robin we're rooting for you, and frankly sin way harder 😉"

I take a moment to appreciate what these people are saying because it takes me out of myself, just in time for Badger to push me straight back in for a moment of self-reflection.

"Robin, we're all wrong sometimes," he starts, even formatting his messages with new lines for that sweet pause. 

"Or, in our cases, every time. You already know our perspective, gratitude and thankfulness is incomplete without the others. We can't do this on our own, and as envious as we are of them, they're envious of us. Peace, Love, and hope to see you soon, Badger x"

I fucking hate how much I love him.

***

Jay:

The first thing HG says when I get to the office is that I should go home, and whilst I agree, I ain't about to admit it. I envy those who can spend all day in bed, but it's not for me.

"Jay," HG says, taking a step closer in such a smooth and graceful manner that his immaculate suit doesn't even seem to move, "You've aged. In a few days, is your new knowledge burdensome?"

Ignoring him, I point out that he looks even younger than usual, to which he retorts people often say that about both his father and son.

"Knowledge is nothing without wisdom, Jay, you might be being too smart. Perhaps your heart should be in charge right now, rather than your brain, hmm?"

"Oh my god, you've watched it all?"

"Yes, everyone's watched it all Jay. 2.5 billion of us with access to the internet, and you know about the work we're doing here to connect more people. It'll be three billion soon." He says, pointing skyward and moving forward with arms spread halfway between a desire to hug and a desire to smother. It freaks me out and I flee the office just as quickly as I arrived, desperate to get back to Robin.

"Sixes and Nines Jay!" HG is shouting at my back as I run, "Sixes and Nines!"

My perspective is entirely different as I step out of the lush office with its air conditioning, marble floors and mineral water fountains. I nearly knock over a homeless man in my haste, and he actually apologises to me about it! 

How little I could see in my old life, and I have to thank Robin for so much. 

Two separate people beg on the train from central London back to Clapham, and before they'd have been invisible to me, but now they're the only thing I can see. 

"Sorry mate, spent all my money on champagne at a club last night, and they only take card," a toff is saying to the gentle man I nearly knocked over as croneys flanking him laugh. 

"Oi, fuck off!" I shout at them, pointing and marching over, standing at full height instead of slouching. As the white-bearded man tries to move I grab him by the shoulder and tell him no, not him, never him. He has a right to be here too, and he has more of a right to the content of pockets than I do.

I only find about six pounds, and I tell him that I'm sorry it's such a small amount but he says it isn't a small amount to him before shuffling away, taking my heart with him.

I'm coming Robin. I get it now, and whilst I worry that I might not ever be able to turn this empathy tap off, I don't think that I would want to. 

Moments later I'm banging at the door of Robin's flat, where just days ago I was visiting for the first time, I now feel a homeliness to it that I never want to leave. I bang and bang before a little hand pulls the door open, and reaches out to grab mine.

I hear a sniff. 

"I'm so sorry Robin, I'm so sorry. There was another mic Robin. I heard everything and you heard nothing. Will you forgive me?"

"How can we see past our differences, Jay?" The sniff behind the door asks me as the hand squeezes at mine.

"Well that's easy," I say, "Love is blind!"