1 Weak Will/Supressed ambition

There are many people that go through life being told that they are incomplete and need another half to fill a void. That someone special is out there waiting for everyone. That it is common sense or expected of everyone to find a partner in life. Be it through tradition, religion, or family pressure. Most people are raised with the thought that soulmates or true love is motivation enough to constantly look for someone to be attached to and if all attempts fail the next best fit should do. That you should be happy to be in a relationship as everyone's basic goal in life should be to find someone else to attach themselves to and later have kids with the hope that the cycle will continue with the next generation. Most women are more likely to follow the path of getting married and having children. Some getting pregnant by chance or mistake and become single moms.It's strange how this will most of the time lead to them being less ambitious if said obstacle was not removed. A lot of men are not pressured to marry and society does not look on at single men with prejudice due to the fact that people think they need time to settle down without distractions to get in their way. However, if women do the same the pressure is on and a lot is expected of a woman if she wants to make it in the world without the intent of making a family. Even when they become a successful person, there will always be someone talking negatively about it. You can say I'm not being fair and that's your opinion but I am a woman and that's how I feel. These are my thoughts but what is my reality. Well here it is. I know you may be hoping that I will be different from the status quo and be the badass main character that changes even challenges the norms. I understand that following these societal rules would have to bug me that I would chose my own path and do as I want anyway or maybe I'm silent at first but at some point I would crack under pressure and choose my own path. However, that did not happen for I was weak. I was raised in a traditional family with a mom and dad with two kids, my sister and myself, I grew up average in school and had a few friends that lasted for years. I however had no desire to be a mother or be with a partner of any kind. I was a person you could sum up in a few ways as a weak willed, human doormat that's utterly pathetic. My mother was a woman set in her ways that had expectations that I would marry have a few children and that if I accomplished this would mean I had no need to get a job. She was very old school in her thinking but due to pressure and my weakness I got with the first person that showed interest in me in the hopes to please her. It worked for a while but she continued to push and before I knew it I was married and my husband that I was able to successfully push off being intimate with pressured me into giving in to his desires as not to cause the relationship to end. Needless to say this continued to happen whenever he couldn't be kept at bay for any longer with the result being children that I had no desire for having. It was after number three that I was able to get the courage enough to have my tubes tied. I was a shaking mess when I was telling him, my anxiety was at an all time high. I was lucky that my husband found three kids to be enough. My life continued to go on with a fake loving marriage and kids that I treated ok but mostly mirrored my treatment after my mother but I was lucky as I had three sons. However, they all left me in this hospital in the end. I lay here in this hospital bed old and gray with breaths becoming harder to complete. I am filled with self- hate and regret for how weak I had been all my life. I was lucky my husband had passed away a couple of weeks ago as I couldn't leave this life being attached to him for another second. I hated pretending to love him, I hated having to take care of the children, I hated who I was and am. I wish I could have just been alone. Maybe have some friends but never a partner of any shape or form. I wish I had followed my own path been ambitious be a bad bitch that doesn't need anyone to rise to the top.