A Spider Among Shinobi

I died choking on a big fat piece of cock (chicken nuggets) and was reborn in the Naruto world. Now I have to plan my life around monochrome plants, mad scientists, unstable immortals, emo fuckbois, genocidal aliens and worst of all an overly enthusiastic ultra nationalist annoying orange. Where is my system?? Where are my cheat superpowers?? Nooooooooo.........