8 Chapter 8

For a few weeks it almost felt like normal again. I went to school, waking up and coming home to my mother cooking in the kitchen, seeing my father scaring her every time he got home, laughing at silly jokes like we always did. Everything was so normally perfect that I thought it was all a bad dream. I almost started thinking that that day was just a nightmare I had and nothing actually happened. I wasn't late to the worst teacher possible, I did not embarrass myself in front of the school, and my mother didn't have cancer. But in reality, all was proving me that that day existed, that it was more than a simple nightmare, it was a living one.

Slowly this heaviness we all felt started crippling into our present and the old complete life was broken forever. It all started after mom fainted at her job. Dad received a call from her boss and immediately drove to take her home. She protested saying that she feels fine but dad wasn't listening to her. That night my parents had a fight, one of the many fights which were to come. I could hear them arguing while I was eating alone in the kitchen, the first time I ever ate dinner without them.

-I am dying Alexander of course my body will get weak!

-For God's sake Lorraine don't you ever say that again.

-It is the truth and you will have to accept it.

-At least be less loud, our daughter can hear you.

-She has to be aware of this too.

-No, she doesn't, because you are not going anywhere.

-How am I supposed to teach her to accept the reality when her own father can't?

-There are possibilities, we can still do something about this, it's not too late.

-Was I the only one who went to the doctor or were you with me? You heard what he said as clear as I did, there is nothing to do. I have 6 more months to live.

-That doctor was useless, we can go to another.

-I trust him.

-It's not about trust Lorraine, it's about how good he is, his studies. We can't just trust people without researching more.

-We can and we will. Besides, I don't want to spend my last 6 months going from hospital to hospital.

-These will not be the last 6 months of your life!

-You will learn to accept this.

-What are you saying Lorraine? I can't just stay here and watch death take you from me without doing anything.

-It is how God wants it to be.

-Oh don't serve me this! Lorraine!

I could feel the pain in my dad's voice, but mom was already gone, leaving him alone in the living room. I went and saw him on the couch with his head in his hands.

-Are you okay dad?

He raised his head and looked at me, he seemed 10 years older than he was and consumed by worries and pain. He tried to hide it with a smile but I could see a tear sparkling in the artificial light of the bulb.

-Yes sweetie, don't worry about it.

-Is it about mom?

-Yes, but she is going to be okay, we will cure her.

-What if we won't?

-Don't say that, of course we will.

-Yes dad, but what will we do without her if we fail?

-I don't know, but you don't have to think about that because everything will be just fine. Your mother won't go anywhere.

In that night I felt my hopes rising. Maybe my dad was right, maybe he will proceed to convince mom to go to another doctor. It was only the few upcoming days that sank my hopes back. The fights never ended, each time mom was as stubborn as before, she was decided not to try anything. Back then, I asked myself why is she trying to hurt us but I vanished that question quickly. She wasn't trying to hurt us; she was trying to make us accept the truth, to avoid getting false hopes. She was fine with dying; we weren't okay with losing her.

In the evenings was created a new routine, eating alone became more often than I thought; crying at midnight in my room has already showed up. My father was obsessed with getting mom better, my mom was trying to live like before and I was torn between them. This lasted for weeks until my mom had enough of it, that night was the first night dad realised there was nothing to do. The night he gave up on trying.

-Can you just listen to me? I found this really good doctor that could help you!

-Alexander why are you insisting on this?

-Because unlike you I don't want to let this family go down!

-And you think I do? Look at yourself right now. You are spending your nights arguing with me on something you know is not going to happen? What good do you think this is going to bring?

-If you would just listen to me and accept-

-Accept? Alexander you are the one who needs to accept something here.

-No.

-Yes. Do you really want to spend my last months fighting over the same thing? Because I don't.

-These are not your last months!

-Yes they are! And I am not going to spend them with someone who only screams at me about something I don't want to hear anymore!

-What do you mean?

-I mean that I am not going to stay here with you if you continue this.

-Lorraine no!

-I prefer you not to remember this at all than like this.

-Don't leave me Lorraine, please.

-This is toxic for both of us and our daughter.

I never saw my dad breaking down like that before, he fell on his knees and started crying, begging mom to stay.

-I am sorry; I just can't imagine my life without you.

My mom turned around when he said that and looked at him, she gently sat on her knees and put her hand in his.

-I will always be with you, even if you don't see me.

She hugged him; they sat like that for a long time. I don't think neither of them wanted to let go, but eventually they had to. Since that day, everything changed, my father didn't bring that subject up again. He was trying so much to make mom happy and spend more time with her, he completely forgot about me. I understood him; I was doing the same thing. I would run as fast as I could to catch the first bus from school so I could be home with my mom.

I and my dad made the best of those months. We spent them taking mom in places she always wanted to go to. He even stepped up and took her to different countries, missing days of work and me of school. We went to France, South Africa, Bolivia, Peru and Japan. My father was always saying that he would go around the entire globe if that was her wish, but my mother just wanted good memories to replace the bad ones which were to come.

For her, my mom achieved her real wish; we had the best times then. My family was back to normal, happiness and smiles were all we knew. It was like a beautiful dream which took away the sorrowful reality. But, like in every dream, you wake up at some point. Our awakening was when mom got really sick in Japan, she was weaker everyday but she remained the joyful mother I knew. That time she had no energy to be how she really was, I have never seen her like that before. It was our last day in Japan when my mother decided that her time was ending and that she wanted to die in Hawaii. Hawaii was a very special place to mom, as it was where she was firstly born before moving to the States. She wanted to close her eyes where she first opened them.

My dad never left her side, even after she was gone, he was with her. Days after she died he would stay still looking at nothing, but I knew better he was staring at her. His mind played again all the memories they had together, the tenderness of her hand as it became lifeless and light. We were coping with the pain in different ways, but one thing was clear we were doing it by ourselves. When mom died it was like the whole harmony of the family died too. We were distant with each other, barely talking to each other, never directly looking in our grieving eyes.

For a long time I thought everything will go back to normal, that we are going to make it work somehow. But that hope was quickly shattered when dad told me that we are going to sell the house and move away from there.

-Where?

-I don't know, we'll find a place.

-What about your job?

-I can work from anywhere darling.

-What about my school?

-It isn't the only school in this country.

-Why?

-Because I can't stay here anymore.

-What about me?

-It will be good for you too.

He was wrong. It didn't do me good; I missed mom and the house we used to live in. I loved to see her memory walking around the house, reminding me that she was once there. In this new house I couldn't see her anywhere. There were no pictures of her, no left scents of her perfume, no standing ghosts of memories, my dad made sure she was truly gone. I didn't understand why he was erasing her from our lives; he loved her more than anything.

Soon I realized that he wasn't only eliminating her but me too. We started to behave like strangers, having almost no contact at all. He was slowly becoming strict, trying to model me into a perfect daughter, monitoring closely my moves. He became overprotective of me, treating me like I was made of crystal. I never understood why. He refused to talk about mom with me; he acted like those moments with her never existed.

Days became months and months became years and my relationship with dad only degraded. By the time I was 16 it was well clear to me that things will never be like before, they couldn't.