1
Everyday it seems to be harder to want to open my eyes, the need to sleep forever is strong today, actually stronger than any other day. I'm not sure what it is about today I just don't have the greatest feeling, you know? I don't even Fucking know anymore, I have had a sense of dread all damn week. Literally nothing has changed, I wake up put on girly cloths, do my hair and makeup, all of the things normal girls do of a morning, and honestly its getting harder and harder to do so. I just want to be who I am, who I feel I'm meant to be, and its definitely not this person... This person is fake, a disguise, a shell of the person they used to be.
Ugh, anyways I have school today, but good news is tomorrow I have a football game, Yes you heard that right. I play on the city team, pretending to be a Boy, and honestly it feels great, being who I am on the field, where no one knows who I am, I play as my older brother Sebastian, he unfortunately is the biggest homophobe I have ever met. However, he is away at college, and even though we are not twins like Bethany and I; I look more like him because of my height and bone structure. All of my parents children have similar facial features, though Bethany looks more feminine than I do. Anyways back on track, I play as Sebastian on the city football team, and I honestly love it, it makes me feel free, and like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. When I am on the field, I feel like I can finally breathe, like nothing else exists, and all of my problems cant get to me, almost like I'm invincible. Weird Right?
Who am I kidding? There is nothing wrong with being who I am, well in my eyes anyways. Though in my families eyes it's the worst thing in the world, not only am I transgender, but I'm gay as well. They would probably set the house on fire with me in it if they were to ever find out... The only one who even know about just the trans part is my twin sister Bethany, and that only because she caught me trying on a jockstrap with a cup that I had ordered... Let me tell you she actually took it really well, but I doubt she would if she knew I was gay as well.
"Blake get down here, it's time for school!" Bethany yells from down stairs
"Coming!" I yell right back, ugh time to play girl, and damn it's difficult, being a 6'2" chick with some masculine features definitely makes me stand out, and its one of the reasons my mother hates me. She wont ever let my dad see it, and I will never hit her back, but holy shit she has a lot of force behind her tiny little hands.
"About damn time, mom's going to kill you if you get another detention for being late, I told you take first period as a free period. But no you had to take mechanics." Beth grumbles the last part, and I know she is right she always is.
"Well someone has to know how to change a tire, and its definitely not you and your tiny hands!" I laugh running out to the car before she can smack me. Perks of being almost a foot taller than her, I'm faster, also older by 4 minutes, but don't tell her that. She hates being the baby. Honestly I'm not sure what I would do without her, if it weren't for her and my dad I would have left a long ass time ago. Fuck the abusive ass bitch of a mother, its not my fault I look like I do, sometimes I wish the bitch would have just put me up for adoption.
The worst part is my parents aren't even soulmates, but my dad loves her, or at least I think he does. Hell I don't know that could explain why he is always at work, to stay the fuck away from medusa, I mean Martha... Ha see what I did there? I crack myself up. But no really he is gone all the damn time, he comes home for Bethany and I's dance competitions, thank god they let us do different styles, I would hate to be put in ballet, Nothing wrong with that off course but its just not for me. Then he is gone the next day, he calls regularly, but I wouldn't want to live in the same house as that bitch either, if only I wasn't 18 and still in high school, I would have been long fucking gone!
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Halfway through this disastrous day, and I Couldn't be more grateful. So far 2 dudes have smack my ass, tried to feel me up, and had to go to the principals for punching them in the nose. Thanks dad for letting me do Boxing under the radar of Medusa of course, cause I kicked those little fuckers asses. ah Shit my phone is vibrating ugh "Hello?"
"Blake, come home right after school, make sure you bring Bethany! I received the greatest news, Sebastian is coming home for the weekend!" ah fuck, fuck, fuck! No just no freaking way! Why? Why me? Now I know to trust my gut, I knew something bad was going to happen, and damn if my gut wasn't right! I am so Fucking screwed! That means I have to sneak out tomorrow instead of using my friends as an excuse, the bitch will never let me go out willingly with him home. The damn Troll is going to be here, and I'll be damned if I don't get my one day a week of being who I truly am.. I refuse to do that! Because last time didn't end so well, and that is no ones fault but my own.
"Alright I will Be there." Ah fuck my life, what a fucking shit show, and I know for a fact I'm getting smacked around because I didn't answer fast enough and I was 'rude' that's how it always happens, even when I'm the most polite girl in the room she would still find an excuse. I guess its better that it's me that gets it than Beth, she wouldn't be able to handle it because she adores mother. Yay me! J/K Fuck my life!!
See that's just what I cannot understand, is the fact that my mother loathes me so much, but my brother and twin sister can do no wrong. I get that I'm not your average girl, I'm too tall, shoulders to broad, but I do everything in my power to make sure I am the girl that she wants. I know it's expected of her to hand me down the company because it should be the first born but my brother is taking over my grandfathers and my dads company so that position fall's on me and then Beth is supposed to be the Vice president. What I can't understand is why she hates me and only me?
I always do what she wants, Though I never feel comfortable in my own skin, like something is missing a huge part of me at that. Something just isn't right, and I cant pinpoint it. Neither of my siblings feel this way so why me? Why do I have to be so different? Sometimes I don't even feel Human, Like part of me is out there wondering in an empty void, almost like its trying to reach me but keeps hitting a barrier. I don't really even know, I can't explain it, but it's like part of my soul is screaming at me, and I cant hear it's voice that so desperately wants to be heard.
No matter what I cant help the feeling of dread that has come over me, something is going to happen and I'm not sure it is something good. It can only mean that what ever Sebastian is home for has something to do with me...