473 [86.4] Perfectly Imperfect

When I reopened my eyes, I was in vast darkness…

Yet, I could feel the ground beneath my feet. After a few moments of confusion, I started walking.

"Was this what Zephyr endured for a thousand years?"

I'm surprised he didn't lose his mind…

The longer I was inside, the more I realized that time passed weirdly inside.

It felt like hours of walking, but it may have been only minutes.

I couldn't tell.

I walked in the darkness until a tree suddenly appeared. Shocked, I rushed towards that beacon of light. When I got close, I saw Felix leaning against a tree, sleeping just like the day I found him amongst the roots. His eyes were sunken and his skin an unhealthy grey. My eyes were drawn to the hole in his abdomen from where he had been stabbed. Blood was slowly trickling down as the hole slowly spread.

So that's…

That's what Elam had meant.

I bit my lip and forced myself to walk over to him, "...Asmonious."

A low voice spoke, "You knew it was me…"

Just like an illusion disappearing, sandy brown hair turned darker, his body grew larger, and his rounded face turned more mature.

"Alora was right… I am a coward. The day on the mountain I shape-shifted to look like Felix because I thought maybe you would hate me less… I was so scared there would be fear in your gaze if you saw the real me… But I was just being a coward."

I was ashamed to look him in the eyes, "The day we fought… I thought you were in Felix's body… It seems I was wrong."

His eyes weakly fluttered open, but he didn't look me in the eyes. He muttered in a low voice, "It was you all along, wasn't it… You were her this entire time…"

"I'm sorry I never recognized you… You met me before I had the chance to meet you."

"So it was like that…" He chuckled faintly, "I… I always thought you were similar to my Master… The way you patted my head to reassure me… The paintings you would create… Your taste in food… My sisters who kept telling me you were her… Even when you took on that form…. But I couldn't believe it. You never recognized me so I kept telling myself I was just mad from grief, trying to turn a stranger into my Master because I missed her so much. I didn't think there was any possibility that you could come back."

I felt guilt flood my chest as I listened to his hoarse voice.

"Still, I should have known the moment I first saw you with Zephyr." He lifted his eyes revealing his shame, "My Master would have done anything in her power to bring us siblings together again."

I rushed to his side and tried to inject my mana to heal his wound as I had before, but it only grew worse. Fear struck my heart as I realized the truth.

He grabbed my hand, "It's pointless… This wound is impossible to heal. The people inside me won't allow it to be fixed… I could only… Hold on for as long as I could."

My voice cracked as I panicked, "F-Felix is just outside. I-I can take you out and he can heal you-"

"NO!" His sudden shout made me jump. His breath hissed, "Why should he be forced to help his sister's killer?"

"He doesn't hate you!" I spoke so fast I almost stumbled over my words, "He loves you and you're the one he needs!"

"Even if that was true, he would still resent me… I know he would, after all… My body is completely made up of resentment." He chuckled darkly, "But once I die, all those demons and humans I consumed will finally be set free. Although Cyrus's curse won't disappear, he at least won't die from it anymore."

Hearing these last words, my heart raced anxiously. "Asmonious, let Felix try to heal you. We can deal with all that later-"

"-Felix…" His voice lowered, "He already tried before and almost died. I barely managed to get his body back to being able to stay alive… I can't… I can't have his death on my conscience. I... I can't…"

"Then- Then-" My mind raced as I tried to find a possible solution, "Time doesn't pass normally in here. As long as you stay-"

I looked back down at him and saw the excruciating agony he tried to hide in his eyes. Just like always, he desperately tried to hide the pain and prevent anyone from knowing.

My gaze softened as despair crept into my heart, "Asmonious…"

"Heh." He smiled with self-loathing in his eyes, "I always wondered why you never called me Moni. When others were around, you would never say my name… Now I understand it. I treated you and your loved ones so horribly that just the mere mention of my name caused you pain."

I bit down on my lip, unable to say he was wrong.

"I… If I had never bullied Alora, none of this wouldn't have happened… I just… She just looked so much like my father when she smiled… The moment I saw it… I thought… I thought she was him…"

My eyes widened slightly.

I…

I had no idea.

"Master…" His voice cracked, "You must be so disappointed in the person I've become."

My lips pressed together as I stared at him holding back from crying. Silently, I sat down next to him and held his hand while a river from a distant memory slowly appeared in front of us. The Han River was vast and the current fast. However, illuminated in the moonlight, it seemed so peaceful. 

"Asmonious, back when you were corrupting me, there was one memory you never touched. Do you remember it?"

He averted his gaze from me, "I… That…" 

"It was my greatest shame. It was a memory I could never even force myself to show Cyrus." I looked over at the river, "You're just like my brother. He was so perfect. He had a calm personality that no one could find fault in and he always got the best grades. He never faltered, even for a moment. My Mother may have pressured him to be like that, but he honestly wanted to be her ideal son because it made her so happy even at the cost of his own happiness."

I closed my eyes, listening to the sound of distant voices.

-Big brother, what's wrong?-

-Reika… I'm sorry I wasn't a better older brother-

-Better? You're not bad at all-

-I'm sorry I'm leaving you all alone, but I can't do it anymore-

-Do what?-

I opened my eyes, "I don't know when it started, but in the weeks leading up to his death he was failing his classes. The University was threatening to kick him out… He was so scared our parents would find out. I didn't understand it at the time, but I was worried when I saw how upset he was. The next day, he was happy and back to his usual self so I thought everything was okay… When he asked me to cover for him that night, I never thought he would-"

I held back the cries at the back of my throat.

In the end, I became just like my mother.

Even Moni-

"Master?"

"I should have recognized that you were struggling." I took in a deep breath, "I'm sorry for not seeing the signs faster. I'm sorry I was such an unattentive mother who drove you to feel like you needed to be perfect. I'm sorry I made you feel like you always had to hide your pain. But I'm not disappointed in you." 

I met his dulled orange eyes that had long lost their luster. 

My lips trembled as I spoke sincerely from my heart, "I'm so proud of you, Asmonious. You may have made mistakes, but I will always be your mother who loves you unconditionally."

His eyes widened as if he didn't believe those words, "M-Mother? You… You really think of me as a son?"

I chuckled as I reached out to wipe the tears forming at the corners of his eyes, "Of course, silly boy. You were my son the moment I first saw you."

With just one sentence, his mask finally broke apart. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he sobbed, resembling that of the small boy who was hiding under the table when I first met him.

"I'm sorry I fought with Alora that day." 

"I forgive you."

"I'm sorry I tried to kill Cyrus."

"I forgive you."

"I'm sorry I fought with my siblings."

"I forgive you."

"I'm sorry for all the times I hurt you."

"I forgive you."

I listened to him sob hysterically until his cries grew weaker.

Asmonious became so tired, he leaned against me, "I… I tried my best to be good and to make up for all my sins…"

I gently took his head and laid it onto my lap. I slowly ran my hands through his hair, "I know."

"I just wanted to unify the world so that demons would no longer be afraid."

My thumb gently brushed past his temple.

"But my plan was flawed! I-I wish I never hurt anyone."

"I know."

"I… I want to take it all back."

"I know."

"I.. I.. I want to live."

"I know."

"Mother… I don't want to die alone."

"You're not alone." My eyes started to sting, "I'm here now… I'm here." 

After a moment of silence, his eyes started to flutter close, "Mother…. I'm tired."

"I know…" My breath wavered, "You can sleep, my baby boy."

"I'm… I'm scared."

"I won't leave you."

As he struggled to keep his eyes open, he asked in a weak voice, "Mother… What was that song you always hummed me to sleep? What were the words?"

My lips trembled, "It was a song my brother always sang to me."

"Can I… Hear it… One last time?"

Tears rolled down my cheek as I took a deep breath and started to sing:

"On the Milky Way, far dark blue sky in a little white canoe~

A tree, known as the cassia tree, and a lone bunny beneath

No sail is raised and no barge pole is used

Yet it glides onward effortlessly to the land of the west~"

The weight in my lap was slowly disappearing, but I refused to look down and forced myself to continue.

"Yonder the milk way, yonder, yonder, to the land of the cloud

Crossing through the land of the cloud whereto gliding on

Blinking lights from far far away, is the light from Venus

The morning star is your lighthouse so find your way home by it."

As my song finished, my throat was closing from my sobbing.

My lap was vacant as I was left all alone on that shore.