Update And Announcement

Hey Yall, I'm not 100% sure how to start this, so I'll just be writing as it comes to mind. I have Good News, Great News, Bad News, and worse news. I'll start with the bad and mix things in and see how it goes. Keep in mind that I get completely transparent and VERY REAL in this just to warn yall.

So as I have stated in the past, I work 2 jobs, on top of the various walls, left and right hooks that life loves to throw at me. Add in Anxiety, stress, depression, and adhd, and that's a recipe for disaster. I originally wanted to start regularly posting my fics and original novels back in February. If you check the date on when I started updating and posting on various sites, you should be able to see a big time difference there. However, this is to just give general context into my mindset before I drop the proverbial bomb. So recently, as of several hours ago, my bank account was compromised. Mind you this is the third time in like 4 years this has happened with my current bank.

The first thought most people would have would be like: "Hey Daydul why don't you change banks?" I can't. As much as I would love to do that exact thing, that isn't really an option for me right now. That is the only reason I stayed with my current one for so long. Thankfully I have more than one account, but still. Because of this situation, I lost a large majority of the funds I would need to move into the new apartment I was set to move into starting on the 28th. No I cannot get a loan because of the past debts I have messing up my credit, I can't ask other family members for help due to the isolationist nature that one tends to have when their mind spirals into the void.

My plight was noticed by my Ma and Pops(My Stepfather), however, there are four other siblings I have that don't make the best financial decisions or are in situations that would put them in a bad place without finds. So you can imagine that they can't help me much either since they would be stretched thin. Honestly, if I was in the worm verse, with the amount of trauma I have from my past growing up till now, I would have triggered three times, if not four. Everyone has some kind of trauma I'm sure, unless they were coddled all of their life, but that is almost non-existent in the fanfiction community.

So that was the bad news. The Worse news is the fact that I will probably disappear off the face of the earth since this was my chance to have an environment to myself where I could thrive and try to achieve my dreams. Also the fact that I was supposed to go on vacation with the very few friends that I do have so I could actually destress and enjoy myself for once. That probably won't happen. This doubles as two things, a giant risk and a hail mary. See, my goal has always been to be financially free and escape the 9-5 corporate/customer service life.

Ever since I was like 13 I have been working 1-3 jobs at once and running myself ragged very early in life. I grew up in a poor family so I have that urge to try and support them and myself out of the trenches. Enough of my past though, here is the good and great news if you can call it that. This is what I mean by a great risk. I hate asking for help, I take physical pain even having to do so, heck before my bank account situation happened, I was supporting a few fic writers who's works I love to read and read ahead due to it. So I know this is a longshot but I am going to ask for help from the people who read my works across all of the platforms I post.

This is like a last hurrah I guess.​To make it somewhat worth it, I shall be releasing what I dub the Dul Archives. Which is everything I have written, fic or original, and I will post it on the internet. Unless it literately only has one paragraph. I don't want to see my works just sit in a google drive, gathering dust on the off chance that someone out there may enjoy it. On top of that, I shall be writing to my actual full capacity. Would you believe me if I said that everything I have written till now, including what I will post from the archives, was only written at about 40-60% of what I deem my full potential? I never really had the drive to go beyond that honestly.

I never had the drive to do anything beyond that, work, writing, or any mundane thing really. I have always had mental walls blocking me from really understanding what the hell my actual full potential really is. I know this is a lot coming from me, and even may sound condescending. However, from the therapy sessions that I have had in the past to try and resolve some of my unresolved trauma (Didn't help really since the only therapist I had access to was one sponsored by my church.) I am the greatest factor in holding myself back. 

Imagine for a moment if you will. Imagine there were a multitude of different versions of yourself, taking on various forms, conveying multiple emotions as if they were different people in your head. Now imagine all of those people consistently putting you down for every failure you make, regularly yelling at you for not utilizing your potential to its fullest, and putting you down for not even being able to do something as simple as even folding clothes. Imagine that they yell at you regularly for being a burden to your family, even if your family tells you otherwise, your brain and the various people in your head know otherwise.

You can see it in their faces, their motions, their expressions. The disappointment is clear, they have a multitude of pre conceived notions about you and even if you tried to explain to them, they would never understand. If you tried to explain everything, you might end up in a white room with a straight jacket because of some of the most absurd and crazy thoughts that pop up in your head. You see, my sister was put there for a little while for their bipolar disorder among other things going on in her head. However, if my family, or ANYONE knew what actually goes on in my head on an hourly basis, they wouldn't hesitate to shove me there.

Not because I pose a danger to other people, but because of the danger I pose to myself. In a way, writing was my only out, my only true escape from the crushing mental pain that the people in my head, my family, and anything in life that threw at me. Writing is more to me than what anyone else would realize, and anytime I get to the point where I get close to breaking that preconceived mental block I placed on my own potential, I get scared.

That's the truth of the matter. I have an extreme fear of wasting my own potential, and I have been doing exactly that, for years. Most of my life I could have been in a completely different position if I just took the many opportunities that were presented to me across life and stuck with them. Hell, I got a contracted novel with another site years ago but didn't continue it because one of my family members read over it and gave an expression of disgust that they tried to hide behind a silver tongue. I guess that's where the block on my own potential in writing started to be honest, but I'm not sure, it could have been even earlier than that. 

Sorry, I have been using a good amount of this post to vent and I feel like thats a discredit to all of you to keep spiraling as I write this. So moving on from that, I will tell you the last bit of news, after I release the archives, I will be writing up new chapters for as many things as possible, without holding back, since I have nothing to lose at this point. I have 5 days, and I want to take the gamble, roll the dice, and tempt fate for the first time in my damn life. I hate taking risk, I don't like gambling, and relying on luck/fate leaves a pit in my stomach.

Heck, the amount of times I was tempted to delete this, not post it, and just spiral further has been insane. The only thing that has helped me was some damn c4 energy drinks since that helps keep the voices a bit quiet. It doesn't give me energy, in fact it slows down my brain a bit so its not going hundreds of miles a second. 

Outside of that, if you all want to support me in my gamble, support me on my K.o.f.i here: k.o.-.f.i.c.o.m.(slash).oshimuraMy p.a.t.r.e.o.n will probably be nonexistent unless I get past this gamble, but If I do, I swear to any being, divine or otherwise that is listening, that If I survive this gamble I will make a damn shrine dedicated to everyone that supports me, I will write every single damn day, and I will not stop unless it is detrimental to my physical health. Even then I will continue to do so while staying healthy.

Even if yall can't financially support me, just sharing this post with others, responding to the damn thing, liking it, what have you, anything and everything helps.​Now, did I forget anything? Oh yeah, I will probably be writing as we speak but this is a minor spoiler for the next upcoming chapter of my golem divinity fic. It will be about the wayward mage that was dying the last time they were mentioned in the fic, and our resident fishing magical girl. Also, I am going to be writing a worm fic and posting that too, I already started it because I have always wanted to write a worm fic, but I wanted to do more research on the original novel since most of my knowledge about it comes from fanfiction. 

That's all from me, Daydul/Oshimura out.

P.S. I am really, really fucking nervous about this, so do me a favor and keep the mean/rude stuff to yourself. If you have nothing good to say, don't say it cause I am already spiraling, and I will see any and all comments, I will do my damndest to brush past it if I see it, but there is a 99% chance it will affect me, so at least thing about what you type before you type it. No I am not talking about constructing criticism, I am talking about trolls, keyboard munchers, and people who have no idea what grass even is.