Game On!

"Alright, shut your assholes! Here's how we're going to do this shit!"

Hi, and welcome back. If you were just tuning in, we were just going over what Blitz was about to lay out as a plan. "First, we find a fuck ton of clients, we portal up, we have our fun murder time as per usual, we pile up all the bodies into a big fucking canoe, we push said canoe into some water, we light it on fire to attract the sharks and eagles and shit (maybe a goose too, fuck it), they come and eat the bodies, we win the bet, we rub it in that sloppy bitch's drunken, whore-ass face. Do you have any questions?" Whew! That was a lot to hear!

"Uh, yeah. Why was that nonsense?" Moxxie asked.

"That wasn't a question."

"That wasn't a plan."

"I'm sorry, but that was a flawless of what we should do, Mox. It's not my fault you've got a smooth little brain upstairs."

"A what now?"

"I'm calling you slow, Moxxie. God, why don't you learn how to take criticism? You talentless, baby-dick troll."

"Well why don't you take an art class?"

"Why don't you see how expensive they are?!"

The argument was getting too heated so I interceded them. "Can we please focus on the topic at hand here?" I asked loudly.

"Hey, is there a way I can come with you guys this time?" It was Loona that spoke now. Yeah, I know. Not a big shocker considering she has spoken up during our meetings. What did surprise me was her asking to come up to the surface with us. I mean, I never heard her offer to go on mission with us as far as I was concerned. She always stayed behind at the office and I was the only one who often got to come along.

"Absolutely not, I forbid it," said Blitz. "Not gonna happen. Sorry, sweetie. Spring break is no place for young, vulnerable goth girls. You know the kind of freaks up there who'd drool all over you!"

And cue accusatory and judgmental looks at all of you readers and/or fans of the show. Hey, I might crush on some female characters, but I know when to keep my fantasies to myself and be practical about them while not obsessing over them. Looking at you, fandoms.

Anywho…,

"Well, I can blend in with humans easy enough. Just let me tag along."

Once more, something else I did not expect to hear today. "Wait. Say that again."

"I can blend in."

"Do you have a human disguise?" Millie asked her.

"Yeah, don't you?"

The imps and myself were surprised. I honestly had no idea Hell Hounds could change form. I mean, nobody including Loona ever told me about this. "You three have been screwing around on Earth this whole fucking time, without huma disguises?" Loona asked angrily, pinching the bridge of her muzzle.

"Why didn't you say anything about you having that beforehand?" I asked defensively.

"You could have asked."

"I assumed Hell Hounds couldn't. No one else told me."

"You're still human. Why didn't you shape-shift into your human form?"

"Because A), I didn't think it was a necessary thing to do. You know, because a human involved with beings from Hell going around killing people is completely normal." I said sarcastically. "And B), I'm the fucking janitor here. I hardly get to kill with these three. That one time was just a special occasion. And C), you're hardly one to say "you could have asked me". Considering how you're on your damn phone all the time."

She was about to retaliate in saying something snarky when, by the grace of God, Blitzo interrupted us. "Okay, new plan!" He did a quick sketch on a new piece of paper and continued as he placed it on the stand. "Loonie and Barry can help lure the humans to us, and we'll take care of the rest. Okay? How about that?"

"Flawless logic," said Millie in agreement.

"I think you're missing the biggest issue, sir. Isn't it crucial to have a client who demands enough kills to win this bet? We aren't just going up to massacre." Moxxie was right. Policy is policy. Even in Hell, there are certain rules to follow for the sake of its secrecy.

Blitzo had a clever grin on his face. "I've got it covered, Mox."

So it turns out Blitz's 'cover' was a makeshift flier subtly written as "SPRING BREAK! VicTIM 50% OFF!!" Don't believe me, go back and watch. It's exactly how it's written. "Now we wait," said Blitz. He walked up to us with confidence in his stride.

Moxxie, understandably, was doubtful to say the least. "Sir, there is no way we are going to get enough clients by the end of the day with one, horribly spelled, bad grammar flier."

Before you could say 'oh yeah?', a good number of demons lined up in a flash. Blitz gave Moxxie a little nudge with an elbow with a smug look on his face. "Now who's first?"

Cut to a scene later, we found ourselves in a well known area for spring break, retired old farts, and hurricanes: FLORIDA. Well hey, where else do people go to that's popular for spring break? You tell me. We teleported under one of the boardwalks with luckily enough cover to hide us and scanned the area. There was a bit of a crowd gathered on the beach as we could see a stage being set up. And me without sunblock. My hunch: Verosika undoubtedly was here.

"Now remember, we can't be seen all right?" Blitz reminded us. "Loose shots will likely cause a panic. So Loona and Barry can help with leading targets to a better spot to off 'em. You both got the list, right?"

"Yup," I answered. I held up the list for Loona.

"Got it." Just a few sniffs were enough for her to remember apparently. We went to work transforming into our human guises. Well, SHE had the human guise whilst I was still human. We each were enflamed by a small, swirling pillar of blue fire for about five seconds or so until it vanished. It felt weird seeing me white skin again complete with nearly shaved brown hair and hazel brown eyes, and a cauliflower ear on the right side of my head. I wore a black shirt with "Saint Lucifer's Haunted Asylum" printed in bold red letters with black loose shorts that had twin thin red stripes running down both sides from the pockets.

Loona's human form was largely identical to her hellhound form, albeit human. Her eye colors were inverted, as she had white sclera with red irises and a visible belly button which she lacked in her hellhound form. She shrank down from her demon form, appearing to be of average height compared to most of us humans in this form and somewhat slimmer than normal. She still had the same outfit as before, but with the addition of black knee-high socks and high-top sneakers and black lipstick. Her choker now lost the spikes, and in place of her torn right ear she had two earrings on each ear. Her head was shaved on the right side.

"Whoa! Looney, look at you. You look downright awful. I am so proud," said Blitz. Apparently it was Addams Family logic, good meaning bad and vice versa. I mean he sounded proud of how she looked as a human. Me, on the other foot, couldn't help but utter a low "wow" which was enough to get her attention and look at me apathetically.

"What?," she asked me as she caught me gawking.

"Oh uh, nothing. You-uh-look great. Amazing I mean," I said. Embarrassed, I rubbed the back of my neck and smiled awkwardly. Clearing my throat, I went back into business mode. "Anyway, let's do this."

On the command of 'fetch', me, myself, and Loona sought out the humans on the list. I was unsure how we were going to pitch it. On the hand, I thought we could do it like a "daddy likes to watch" sort of deal. If you've ever watched porn in your lives at all, you'll know what I mean. But she didn't seem to go for it. I could tell by the look of disbelief she had. So I just let her take the wheel and hopefully take over later.

Regardless, we did our job. We lured them suckers in and the rest was history. "That's nine kills in the bag," said Blitz. He, Mox, and Millie were tying up dead bodies in garbage bags. "I'd like to see that wailing snatch orgasm that many-"

"Alright, spring breakers! Y'all ready to get fucked up and make some bitching bad choices?!," a voice called out. No doubt it was Verosika as we looked over to the concert stage as she and her crew seemed to have taken it over. Her demon form peered out of the stage smoke like a shadow.

But as she stepped out, we could see her human disguise. Her skin was a light brown, her hair ombre-blonde with pink undertones, from darker to lighter towards the tips, auburn roots and a light pink streak down the length. Her sclerae was white, yet retained the pink irises and exaggerated eyeliner of her demon form.

Her outfit changed into a ruffled pink crop top with separate long sleeves and a ruffled pink skirt with a slit at the hem, and a star pattern on the front and a black heart on the hip. The skirt dovetailed into a light pink sash with a heart design that resembled her tail somewhat. And, of course, the same thigh-high black heels as before, minus the 'X' cutouts.

"Are you?!" The crowd, of course, went wild for her. No doubt she may have been up here on the surface before. For what reasons? Take a guess. For how long? I can imagine maybe a time or two. Music soon started off as smooth, gentle and (if I'm not mistaken) seductive.

"This is your final boarding call," Verosika said lustfully. "All aboard." With a flip of her hair, she went ahead to perform with her monitor screens flashing "FUCK YOU BLITZO". Whether the people cared about it or not, who knows? They were too enchanted by the whore's song "Straight to Bonetown" if I remember correctly. If she hates Blitz that much, I'd hate to see what she'd do if she was happy with him. Then again, I don't completely blame her for what she possibly went through with him. But that's STILL no excuse for what she and her slut crew did to me. Just thinking about what that…that…ohhh that fucking whore did to me was enough to not fall under her spell of seduction. One of the few times hate was greater than love, or rather lust.

"Gosh dammit! The bitch started her goatish mating call!" Blitz said irritated. "Now she's going to win all these sex maniacs! We got to pick things up guys!" He noticed a male beachgoer with a long blond hair next to him throwing up. "Is he on the list, Looney?"

"Huh? Yeah, I think so," said a distracted Loona. It didn't take a genius to guess what could possibly be distracting her. Her eyes were locked onto Vortex who was in his human disguise. His human disguise was about the same as his hellhound form, only he appeared as a muscular black guy with a slightly scarred ear in this form. The wolf head on his left arm was now a tattoo. Aside from him having dark shoes, nothing else was different. I know it's not my business who she has eyes for, but I couldn't help feel a little jealous. I know I shouldn't, I know jealousy doesn't do any good. But god-ass-dammit! Fucking hate feeling this emotion at times.

Blitz didn't seem to notice, being too busy with the task at hand. He took out a hatchet via magic satchel and reeled back to kill the guy. The blonde beach bum looked up to see Blitz. "Oh whoa! What are you, a leprechaun?," he asked him.

"Yeah, pretty cool huh?" Slice! Blitz came down with the axe, cleaving the human's head perfectly in two. "But you sure shit ain't gonna tell nobody. Okay next one, Loony. C'mon." There was no response. We looked up and she was gone. Blitz started to go into a panic. "Where's my baby?!"

"Take a good guess," I said with arms folded. I pointed him in the direction of where Loona was headed. She went over to talk with Vortex while he was still working. Angry and protective, the boss went after her.

"And we've lost him," said Moxxie. He and the wife had crawled up to two water barrels next to me. "It's looking like it's up to us to finish this list."

"Hell yeah! Team M&M and Barry getting shit done, making the money," said Millie with an arm around her honey. "You in, Barry?," she then asked me.

I'd join them in the fun, but suddenly the wheels in my mind were twirling. "I'd say yes, but I think I have an idea on how we can get the list done and get back at Verosika." I said.

"What?" Moxxie asked confused. "How?"

"I figure that if we can lure her music lovers away from the stage and kill the people from the audience that might be on the list, we'd be killing two birds with one stone."

"That sounds like a good plan, hon," said Mills, "but how do you plan on luring them humans over here?"

"I don't know exactly. But I'll think of something." I rubbed my chin in thought. I scanned along the city and, by incredible coincidence and the writing power of deus ex machina, I found it. A music store just a few feet away from us! I grinned my face into a grinchy smile. "I think I know just how to do it," I said impishly. "I'll be right back!"

Away to the music store, I flew in a dash.

I bought the required equipment and said "Just shut up and take my cash!"

Through cartoonish speed, I read the instructions.

Praying I can still make this plan work without any interruptions.

First I tuned the electric guitar, that was a tedious chore.

But don't worry, I shall stop right now and rhyme no more.

I came back and set up my gear along the waterfront. Adjusting the electric piano, a thought just hit me. What song was I to play? Shit! I hadn't thought about that. It had to catch people's attention, but it also had to be something with a real kick to it. Something that'll snap them out of that slut's siren singing, but also something that'll be kick-ass for them to enjoy. Then it hit me like an ACME anvil. It had to work! A quick search through my phone and I found it. It may not be exactly what I was looking for, but it'll certainly get people's attention.

Looking up, I could see Moxxie and Millie were still busy doing what we do. Killing and more killing. Blitz was in conversation with Loona and Vortex, probably in what he seems to be his parental mode. And Verosika, singing her song before taking a swig out of a small flask. "Now who wants a piece of this?," she asked the crowd. She tossed it aside as it fell into the beach water.

"Oh, I'll give you a piece of something alright." I muttered under my breath. Guitar and piano plugged into the speakers, I took a few breaths and gave the guitar a random riff. It looked like the small orgy was about to go into full swing until they looked in my direction. Some with interest, others with confusion and annoyance. Like I interrupted their sexy time.

Oh well. No turning back now. I started off with the melody as the song would after setting the guitar tempo on the electric keyboard. To save the long exposition, I practiced playing this song on my off time between working for Stolas and for Blitz. As for how I got the music sheets for it, not important. We all have our ways of getting shit. Either way, it's gonna be tough multitasking between the piano and the guitar.

Anyway, it looked like I was getting a few of the beach-goers' attention as they were gathering near me. It looked like I got the attention of the succubus and her cronies as well. She had an incredulous look on her face. I picked up the tempo and played the song just how I first listened to it and finally started to sing:

🎼 Subarashii, chin chin mono

(Magnificent penis thing)

Kintama no kami aru

(There is testicle hair)

Sore no oto, sarubobo?

(Is that a sound of a monkey baby? )

Iie! Ninja ga, imasu!

(No! It's a ninja!)

Hey hey let's go!, kenka suru

(Hey Hey Let's Go! Let's fight!)

Taisetsu na mono, protect my balls!

(It's important that I,)

Boku ga warui, so let's fighting

(I'm bad,)

Let's fighting love!

Let's fighting love!🎼

Yes, I know. Of all the songs I picked, this was the one I chose for my revenge? I figured it was a good choice and it did get the people's attention. You can hardly go wrong with South Park. Besides, playing a song like this in an awesome way is like performing awesome sex. Ease into a smooth rhythm, then go all out in a crazy and… 'explosive' finale. Say what you want, but my plan seemed to be working as more stopped doing the nasty and were making their way over to me. Some were fans of South Park apparently, knew the song and loved to hear it.

Verosika, as you can imagine, was not too happy. She started to pick up on her song again, but I wasn't done yet.

🎼 Kono uta, chotto, baka

(This song is a little stupid)

Wake ga wakaranai

(And incomprehensible)

Eigo ga, mechakucha

(The English is messed up)

Daijōbu, we do it all the time

(It's okay,)

Hey hey let's go! kenka suru

(Hey Hey let's go! Let's fight!)

Taisetsu na mono, protect my balls!

(It's important that I,)

Boku ga warui, so let's fighting

(I'm bad,)

Let's fighting love!

Let's fighting love!🎼

I don't know what exactly came over me, but I was getting so into the music that I…I don't know. I sort of felt possessed by the music. I whipped up the guitar and played like a creative mad man. I played with the melody like an artist with a painting, my brain the paintbrush as it guided my hands to create the masterpiece. My body was swaying with the melody I was playing.

The people that gathered were enjoying the hell out of my performance as I could hear them cheering. I got to the piano portion and I just cut loose like Mozart if he was a rockstar. I sang the refrain, oh so close to the *ahem* "climax" of the song.

🎼Hey hey let's go!, kenka suru

(Hey Hey let's go! Let's fight!)

Taisetsu na mono, protect my balls!

(It's important that I,)

Boku ga warui, so let's fighting

(I'm bad,)

Let's fighting love!

Let's fighting love!🎼

It was getting close to the end and now was the time for the build up for the big finish. I had the crowd by the balls and I was going to give them what they wanted. My plan was coming to fruition and neared completion. I sang the last few bars to the song before going all out for the finish, but not before I told the audience to wait for my cue to have them sing the one lyric anyone knows from this song.

🎼 Ta-ta-tanuki no kintama wa

(Tanuki's testicle is)

kaze ni fukarete burabura

(blown by the wind)

Ta-ta-tanuki no kintama wa

(Tanuki's testicle is)

kaze ni fukarete burabura🎼

(blown by the wind)

Big finish!

🎼Hey hey let's go!, kenka suru

(Hey Hey Let's Go! Let's fight!)

Taisetsu na mono, (cue the audience) protect

my balls!

(It's important that I,)

Boku ga warui, so let's fighting

(I'm bad,)

Let's fighting love!

Let's fighting love!

Let's fighting

Still more fighting

Let's fighting love!🎼

And…applause and cheers from everyone! A perfect finish. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. It. Felt. Amazing. And they loved it. I looked over to see Verosika looking somewhat impressed and yet furious that I stole her audience. I flashed at her a nasty grin. Yeah, that's right bitch. I got ya right where it hurts.

Now how to keep them from going back? I thanked the audience and waved at them. "Thank you! Thank you all very much!" I said to them via microphone. "Any requests?" The spring breakers began shouting out requests all at once, but certainly "Free Bird" of all things. 'Oi', I say in disbelief. "Hmm, what would Brian Boitano do?" I asked suggestively, rubbing my chin in mock thought. I heard some cheering for it, so why the hell not?

-One quick search and prep later-

🎼Brian!

Skate!

Brian!

Skate!

What would Brian Boitano do

If he was here right now?

He'd make a plan, and he'd follow through

That's what Brian Boitano'd do! (A little foot stomp to the beat)

Brian!

Skate!

Brian!

Skate!

When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics

Skating for the gold

He did two Salchows and a triple Lutz

While wearing a blindfold

When Brian Boitano was in the Alps

Fighting grizzly bears

He used his magical fire breath

And saved the maidens fair

Brian!

Skate!

Brian!

Skate!

So what would Brian Boitano do

If he were here today?

I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two

That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

When Brian Boitano traveled through time

To the year 3010

He fought the evil robot king

And saved the human race again

When Brian Boitano built the pyramids,

He beat up Kublai Khan.

Cos Brian Boitano doesn't take sh*t from a-ny bo-dy!

No. Brian, those chicken wings are really spicy. Don't eat those!

(I slow the beat down as I sang the following from low to high)

I've never seen a man eat so many chicken wings. (7 times then jam it out)

Brian!

Skate!

Brian!

Skate!

Brian Boitano was born

Of the planet of Krylok

He came to Earth to save us all

From death and war and stuff

Hi-de-lo! Hi-de-lay!

Brian Boitano's here

So round up all your lasses

And tell them to have no fear

So come over here, my honey

I'm going to take off my pants

And I'm going to make dirty love to you

That's what Brian Boitano'd do!

THAT'S WHAT BRIAN BOITANO'D DO!🎼

Another head banger for the South Park head bangers. And more applause from the crowd. Things were looking good and then…

Out of the water came a giant mutated fish about the size of a three-story building. The thing was originally a normal teal catfish, but after its mutation, it grew into massive size, growing legs and a long prehensile tongue. Its scales turned gray with hints of pale blue and had cyan-colored claws and eyes. Its whiskers, gills, and some speckles gave a bio-luminescent white glow.

I looked over the terrified crowd and saw Millie with Moxxie who looked stupid drunk. The next thing I knew the monster fish grabbed him with its tongue and swallowed him whole. Millie then stabbed a party goer, took his towel and drink and made a makeshift Molotov cocktail to throw at the monster fish, causing it to stumble.

The monster fish fell over into the surf, and Millie swam out to it, using her knife to climb up to its mouth to pry it open. A few moments later, the crowd had scattered by the time Millie made quick work of the mutant fish as she sliced it open from the inside of its throat.

Well, there went my ten minutes of give-or-take-musical fame. Packing up the gear, I stepped off the small wall as Vortex and Loona walked on over. "Hey, nice job on them strings there," said Vortex. "What's your name, man?"

"Barry. Barry Townsend. Vortex right?"

"That's right. But my friends call me Tex. Where'd you learn to play like that?"

"Well that guy over there helped me master the guitar," I said, gesturing to the drunk Moxxie. Don't worry, I'll inform you about it later. He was with Millie and Blitz talking with Verosika and her crew. "The piano I learned from one of my clients out of the goodness of her heart." I certainly didn't want to tell anyone who it was. People may get the wrong idea, get curious, and who knows what'll happen next? "The rest of it, the change in the tune. The riffing. All me. I learn the basics and the creativity comes afterwards."

The big guy chuckled. "Well whatever works for you, keep doing it. You got a good talent."

"To be honest, I only did this to get even with your boss after what she did to me. I hope that's not a problem with you."

"It's cool. Her beef ain't mine. Like I told your friend here, I'm not paid enough to care."

I had to chuckle. "You know, Tex? You ain't so bad, man. Can I call you Tex?"

"I'm cool with that."

"Put 'er there, buddy." We shook hands on it. Like I said, I hated feeling jealous. And now I felt like a piece of shit feeling like this to a guy I didn't even know that well without knowing what he felt about Loona. Of all the human emotions, why did jealousy had to be one of them?

We soon heard thunder cunt calling for Tex, being our cue to head back home. "Well, guess it's time to bounce."

"Yeah. It was nice meeting you for a short minute."

"Hey, if you two are ever down to party, I'll give you a ring sometime."

"Really? I mean uh yeah. Yeah." Loona said. I saw a glimpse of hope in her eyes as she collected herself. I had to suppress a smile. This was the first emotion outside of cynical and lazy I ever saw come out of her. Oh, I'm gonna get some mileage out this one. Heh-heh-heh.

"Yeah. My girlfriend throws a ton of crazy hound parties." AND there you have it. The truth finally came out.

"Nice. Can't wait for my first one." I sensed that Loona became disappointed hearing Vortex saying he had a girlfriend, shutting down her hopes of pursuing him romantically. But she looked like she was still willing to go along with his offer of friendship or any party invitation. What would that mean for me though?

Vortex chuckled. "Let's get you some friends, girl. You're more than welcome to come too, Barry."

"Really? You honestly don't mind a demon/imp hybrid showing up at a hound party?" This was surprising, and yet I was hoping for an invite.

"Why not? If you can party like you can play, I got no problems with that at all."

"You got yourself a deal, Tex. Mind if we exchange digits?"

And one exchange of numbers later, we were in business. Tex waved us goodbye and took off to join his boss. "Looney-tooney! Barry boy! Come on! Let's go back and park our fat fucking car in our fat fucking space!" Blitz called out to us. Millie already went through the portal home first with Moxxie, carrying him bridal style. He soon followed after them.

"After you," I said to our Hellhound. Loona, still looking a little disappointed, sighed and went before me. Before I could jump in though, Blitz suddenly jumped out and gave a retreating Verosika a double bird. I had to smile smugly. It felt good getting back at that bitch and hopefully what I did helped. Before I fell through the portal, I caught a glimpse of the slut squad being surrounded by the police and…a clown for some reason. I don't know why the show did that but I'm hoping there's a reason. Even so, This was a good day for me. Game. Set. Match. Man, life's good.