CHAPTER 33

I worked out for about two and a half hours, showered then met with Carl before I left. He gave me the name and number of a former college track coach who was now living in our area. He had spoken to him about my situation and he told Carl he would be happy to spend some time helping me. I began to drive towards town, the last place I wanted to go was home. I stopped at the local diner and had breakfast, doing anything I could do to kill some time. Finally about noon, I knew I had to go back home. I was extremely relieved to see Ashley's car not in the driveway when I got home. I went to my room and put my gym bag away, I noticed she had changed the sheets on my bed. Now there was no doubt, she did see me last night. I went back into the family room, plopped on the sofa, awaiting the time I would have to confront her. I just hoped she would be gone all day, I had a date with Courtney that night. Around three o'clock I heard the kitchen door open, keys hitting the counter. I sat on the sofa dead silent, afraid to face her. Finally she entered the room, taking off her coat.

"Hi Brian, you were up early this morning huh ?", she asked.

"Yea, I got to the gym a bit early, had a meeting with Carl.", I answered.

She sat down and began to shuffle through the mail that she had taken out of the box from yesterday. She seemed intent on her chore and made no outward signs that anything was wrong. Maybe I was wrong, perhaps she had just opened the door as I looked up last night.

I went back to watching TV, absolutely sure not to give her any awkward glances. She got up a few minutes later and left the room silently. About five o'clock I took a shower and got dressed to go out. I was just about to leave when Courtney called me on my cell phone.

"Brian, I'm sorry, I feel terrible right now. I have a headache so bad, I am sick to my stomach.", she said softly.

"Oh ok then, well you go to bed. I will call you tomorrow ok ?", I offered.

"Ok, if I get better, I will call you later.", she said.

I hung up, now faced with having to stay in the house the entire night with Ashley. I turned to go back towards my room, when Ashley came in.

"Everything ok ?", she asked.

"Nah, Courtney's sick, she canceled on me.", I said.

"Aw, I hope she feels better soon.", she wished.

I went back to my room and changed clothes quickly, getting comfortable, climbing onto the sofa for a long night of TV. Things were just not going that well lately, I thought about my Dad, how much I missed him. I must have dozed off on the sofa, because I was startled suddenly by someone tapping my shoulder. I looked up and saw Ashley standing there looking down on me.

"Hey, why don't you get up and go to bed ?", she asked.

"Oh ... .I'm ok, I just dozed off.", I answered.

"Ok, I'm going to take a shower then watch a bit of TV.", she said, walking down the hall.

I got up and went into the kitchen and poured a glass of iced tea, returning to the family room. I flipped through the channels trying to find something to watch, but I couldn't find anything. I was still channel surfing as Ashley returned from her shower. Once again, she was wearing her short silk robe, tied at the waist, I had no idea what else was underneath. Not again, I thought to myself, I knew it was time to go to bed. I just had to sit there for a few minutes to not seem so obvious as to walk out the minute she came into the room. I passed the remote to her, saying there was nothing I could find to watch, maybe she could find something she liked. She moved up and down through the channels, stopping every once in a while to watch a few seconds of this and that. Finally she settled on a movie on one of the romance networks that have sprung up lately on cable. I was just about to get up and excuse myself for the night when she turned to me.

"Brian, can we talk for a minute ?", she asked, her face blank, but serious.

"Uh…I guess so. Something wrong ?", I asked.

"Well, you're a grown man now, I realize that more and more every day. You remind me so much of your Father when I look at you, you're becoming so much like him in your mannerisms. It's difficult for me ...as a ...well, it's hard sometimes to be around you.", she started.

"Hard to be around me ?", I asked.

"Wait, let me finish.", she interrupted.

"I think you're smart enough to realize, you're a very attractive man. And I'm still young enough to miss having a man close to me. In fact, sometimes I feel this huge empty hole inside of me, that I know can never be filled.", she continued.

"I saw the way you were looking at me the other night, when we were watching TV. At first I felt awkward and embarrassed, but I also felt something else I haven't felt in a long time. I uh…. Got up to come talk to you and well…..I saw what you were doing, or at least I think I saw something.", she ended, looking down away from me.

My stomach was in a knot, my mind racing, I felt the blood rush to my face, I was close to a panic attack. I didn't know what to say, I was searching for any words, something that made sense.

"Ashley…I uh… I'm not sure what you mean.", was all I could muster.

"Brian, can I ask you a question ? I am aware this is completely out of line to ask you, but we have always been very honest and open with each other. If you don't want to answer, I understand.", she offered.

This was getting way out of hand, I needed to bail out as quickly as I could. Maybe this was my opportunity to end this conversation.

"I guess so, what is your question ?", I inquired.

"Well, what you were doing last night, right after you got in bed. Were you maybe, damn this is hard to ask..... Were you maybe thinking of me just a little ?", she blurted out.

This was not the question I had expected her to ask, not even close. Ashley and I had never, ever talked about such things. In fact I had never once had a private conversation with Ashley about anything sexual in nature. But I knew I was not going to be able to fool her, I was never good at lying.

"Ashley, … Oh God, this is so embarrassing…. I mean you're my…",I

stuttered.

"It's ok Brian, be honest with me, please.", she pleaded.

"Yes, I was thinking of you Ashley. I am so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking.", I said, genuinely apologetic.

"It's ok Brian, it's only natural at your age to have these thoughts.", she said softly.

I just sat there looking down at the floor, horribly embarrassed beyond belief. I had just admitted to my step-mother I was masterbating while thinking of her. How sick minded was I ? I was ready to get up and bolt for my room, when Ashley spoke up once again.

"Brian, please don't feel bad, it's quite alright, I am not angry.", she confided to me, "In fact, if I am totally honest, I have done the same thinking of you."

I looked up in shock, really confused after hearing her words. She masterbated thinking of me ? I didn't believe what she was saying, I felt she was only saying that to ease the embarrassment she thought I was feeling. A woman like Ashley, who could have any man they wanted, would never give me a second thought. I sat there, the silence was as loud as any noise I have ever heard.

"Brian, have you ever made love to a woman yet ?", she asked, almost in a whisper.

"No, not really.", was all I could reply.

"What does it really mean ?", she asked, with a grin.

"Uh Ashley, I really feel uncomfortable talking with you about this stuff, I'm sorry.", I said.

"Why Brian ? I'm the closest adult in your life at this point. You can talk to me about anything, it's not like I'm your mother. After all, we are not that far apart in age, we have a lot in common.", she replied.

"You don't feel weird Ashley ?", I asked, incredulously.

"Not at all sweetheart, I'm perfectly comfortable talking with you.", she responded.

Somehow right at that point, I knew our relationship would never be the same again. Somehow the step mom and son relationship had been erased in a mere matter of minutes. At this point, I am not even sure of what we had become.