Motherhood

"How are you? I noticed you seemed unwell before we visited the church the other day, have you recovered?" Adalia spoke softly, her voice touched with concern. Eres could have even believed it if her face wasn't fixed in the same pleasantly smiling mask. 

"I am well mother, I was simply nervous about my first outing to the church and the discovery of my Blessing," Eres smiled as he spoke, and even he knew it was tight and unnatural, "My apologies for worrying you, and for not looking my best for the arrival of you and Father." 

The stone mask of his mother's face cracked for a second. It was barely there, the twitch of a lip and the narrowing of the eyes, but Eres could see it. He didn't understand it, but he noticed it, and that made him nervous. Had he said the wrong thing? Implied something that was somehow offensive? 

"Not to worry then, Eres," Adalia said, before turning her head back to the path ahead of her and resuming her walk, "I am glad to hear you are well, 

"I hear you were given a Mind Blessing, that of the Mage was it not? It fits you well considering your interest in books and studying. I hope you can master it, as it will be of great use to you I am sure." 

Eres swallowed the laugh that tried to burn it's way out of his throat. 

"My interest in books and studying? The only reason I was cooped up in that study is cause no one wanted to see me or teach me," He thought bitterly, "but thankfully this Blessing has afforded me more than you know just yet." 

Eres fought with the bitterness and the anger inside himself. With all the memories of Adrien playing in his head, he wondered how it would feel to have a mother who would sing him to sleep when he was sick rather than asking about it days later, or who would nurture his interests rather than assume them. Shaking his head free of the thoughts that would do nothing but cause him trouble, Eres bit his lip and composed himself. 

"Yes, it seems to be a good fit. I am finding the books that Father had sent over rather helpful, though I suppose it would be no substitute for a good teacher. Still, I am sure progress enough to please you will take a while, so I apologise in advance if I don't meet standards swiftly enough," Eres cast his eyes down as he spoke, feigning shame so that the disdain and frustration dancing in his eyes would be hidden. 

His mother started a little and stopped in her tracks. Eres almost stumbled into the back of her, and before he could utter an apology, his mother was already moving and speaking again. 

"You need not apologise, for you are my son," she said, speaking strangely quickly, "Any progress you make will be more than good enough for me, and you need not lower your head in apology. Not to me, not to your own mother."

Eres stared blankly at her back. This was the first time in his memory that she had referred to herself as his mother, let alone reminded him of his status as her son. He found the bitterness and frustration in his chest welling up with a different feeling, something strangely close to warmth, and he didn't understand it. He thought he had given up caring for his family, especially with so much more to compare it to now, but still, he felt even that slight recognition stirring his heart. 

Gods, to think I am satisfied so easily, with such scant praise, He thought. 

Casting his gaze around Eres realised they had walked deep into the gardens now, surrounded by bushes and flowers that reached far above his head, many of them even reaching the top of his mother's head. Bright colours gleamed like jewels in the deep verdant bushes, some flowers barely even buds yet, peaking from leaves in flashes of red and blue, while others had already spread their petals wide, sweet scents floating from pink and yellow flowers that seemed hidden in the greenery. 

Eres had walked this way with his mother before, but he had always been so concerned with following her and concentrating on saying what she wanted to hear that he hadn't ever really seen the garden around him. 

As they came upon a tall, slender tree covered in pale lilac blossoms, a soft gasp left his lips. He saw his mother turn back, eyes wide in surprise, and enough of a smile upon her lips that the made-up lines of her face creased, ever so slightly. 

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" She said, as Eres merely nodded, eyes still searching the scene in front of him, "The tree was destroyed when I was a little girl. A storm in my family's estate left it broken and shattered, the roots torn up and the branches split.

  "I took a small twig with an even smaller bud from that ruined beauty and planted it in my room. I convinced the gardener to help me look after it, and grow it into a small sapling. Then when I married your Father I insisted that it be brought with me. He was loathe to agree of course, as he is a man of logic and sentimentality is not common sense to him. Yet still I persisted and I brought it with me, and now here I am sharing it with my son, who is the same age I was when I first saved that tiny twig, that small semblance of life." 

Eres found himself staring at the tree as he listened to his mother's story. He could almost see the tree's growth, from tiny sapling to majestic centrepiece. 

"I apologise for rambling, I am sure you must have better things than to listen to your Mother-" 

"I would like to take a cutting with me when I leave, I think," Eres murmured. 

Realising too late he had spoken aloud he span to face his mother. The stone-masked smile he was so used to was gone, replaced with genuine surprise. 

"When you leave? What do you mean when you leave?" 

"Apologies Mother, I was simply thinking aloud," Eres said, smiling awkwardly, "I know as a third son I cannot stay here forever, and though it is many years away I think when I leave I would like to take some of this tree with me."

His mother just stared at him, lips closing and parting as she tried to speak. 

"If it is too much then I apologise, I did not mean to ask for something that-" 

"No!" Adalia nearly shouted, before calming herself, "No. I would be honoured if you would take it with you when you part. I simply did not realise the future was already weighing on you."

Eres smiled and gave a small nod, not knowing what to say. Adalia cleared her throat with a cough and gestured forward, down one of the paths branching from underneath the tree, before she began to slowly walk down it. Eres once again fell in a step or two behind her, puzzled by the sudden display of emotion. 

As they walked and the silence stretched on, Eres' fingers brushed against a weight in his pocket. It had been intended for the Baron, but surely the Baroness would do? 

"Mother, I was going to get this sent to the Baron, to Father, but I wonder if you could look at it?" Eres said, holding out the rolled-up letter of request he had written earlier.

His mother reached her hand bank and pulled the paper from his hand, her steps slowing as she unfurled and read its contents. 

"So you want a teacher who is not only skilled in magic but in martial combat as well?" his Mother asked, "I supposed it shouldn't be too hard to find someone who is competent in both to teach someone of our household, but would you not prefer someone who was specialised in magic, someone who could teach you more about your Blessing?"

Eres had thought long and hard about how he could justify his choices here, and he found the rehearsed answers coming to him even more easily than he expected. 

"Despite my Blessing, our household is one that is led by someone with a Swordsman Blessing, and we are known to be a house of Swordsman. Both Ellsa and Illyon have the same blessing and are training themselves in it," Eres said hands clasped behind his back with a smile on his face, "I would feel bad if I wasn't able to learn at least some sort of martial combat. I would feel as if I would be letting the Household down."

His mother looked at him sternly. She peered at him for a few long moments before letting out a sigh. 

"Very well," she grumbled slightly, turning back to the path and hastening her steps, "but study well. Learning two things at once will be twice as hard, and will tire you twice as much, so be careful not to get hurt." 

"Yes! Thank you, Mother!" Eres nearly shouted in joy when his mother agreed to look for someone to teach him both arts he began to ramble on in thanks with a giddy expression on his face. He had expected to have to argue the usefulness of not focusing purely on magic, yet she had agreed with only a simple explanation. He felt incredibly relieved. 

Adalia let out an exasperated sigh at her son's joy. She didn't know if he was being truthful or if he was just at the age where he wanted to wield weapons and pretend to be a soldier. She remembered her first son, Illyon had gone through much the same thing just before her Husband had taken over full control of his teaching.

"It will take a few weeks for us to find someone and get them to come here at the very least, so temper your excitement, okay?" 

Eres gave a nod, a bright smile still plastered along his face, eyes nearly closed from grinning so wide. His mother sighed again and shook her head with a small chuckle. Then, almost as if it had all been his imagination, Eres saw that same stony mask slip on. He gentle but apathetic smile, the cool, searching eyes. It was unnerving to watch and he didn't understand it at all. 

"Come now, I am sure the servants are wondering where we have wandered off to. It is best if we get back," 

"Of course," Eres said quietly, "Let's head back then. Lead the way, Mother." 

They slowly picked their way back through the garden, now in a stony silence. Eres was so puzzled. When they had been deep within the bushes, his Mother had seemed so different. She had been expressive, she had seemingly worried for him, and she had even agreed that he could take a momento of hers whenever he finally left home. 

Yet now she walked ahead without glancing back or speaking, her posture perfect and her face composed, with no emotion to show on it at all. Occasionally her gaze left the path ahead of her to admire some of the flowers peaking out from the now waist-height arrangements and bushes, but her focus seemed to be on returning as swiftly as possible.

Eres had a sour taste in his mouth to go with his confusion. Had it been a performance? Had she shown him what she thought he wanted to see? Or was this the performance, this cold mask? Did this hide her feelings of care and worry rather than the feelings of scorn, pity and spite he had seen on so many others, that he had expected from her? 

In a daze with his own thoughts whirling around his head, Eres found himself back at the wooden pavilion they had started at, a servant standing a few strides away waiting to escort him back to the house. 

"Always a pleasure walking with you, Eres. Do keep me up to date on your studies, won't you?" 

Eres started at his mother's voice, looking up into the calm, composed lines of her face, searching for a hint of what he had seen in the gardens. 

"Of course, Mother," Eres quietly. He found no spark of laughter, shock or care in his mother's eyes. Just a cold and calculating gaze. He gave a small bow and turned on his heel, walking quick enough that the servant had to stumble from his own bow to keep up.

With gritted teeth, Eres slowly wound his way through the halls of the house back to the study near his room. He may be confused by his Mother, but he got permission for a teacher, so he was one step closer to being able to learn what he needed to learn, to grasp what he wanted to grasp and get out of this suffocating space. 

Concentrating on the swirling sea of Mana resting in his stomach, Eres decided that that would be enough. It HAD to be enough.