1 Looking Back
Is it not weird how time can go by quickly or slowly depending on what we do with our day? If there was a deadline, days could pass us by. If we decided to do nothing within a day, time seemed stretched as if every second only existed to pace with our breathing.
Both are nice to have in random experience.
But too much of either could be draining.
And boring.
That one day in April 2009 seems long and short for me. I could not remember the exact date, only the month and year.
I never told anyone about this because I wanted to keep my promise. And I rarely tell things about my life to anyone. Not even my family knew everything about me. Well, it's not like we can really tell someone everything we experience. Not even a camera can capture every angle and record everything.
Besides, how can I tell someone something weird? With no concrete explanation, and prove to them everything I saw that day was real?
I also do not wish to make other people doubt my sanity.
So, I kept it to myself. It was not a difficult task since I am usually quiet. I prefer not to talk unless needed.
Some people thought I was being secretive or too private.
But it comes with me being just an introvert.
And that is even harder to explain sometimes.
I let people think the way they like because I often ignore the things I have no control over. But, eventually, I found out there is a misconception between a shy person and an introvert.
A shy person is often afraid or unsure to interact with other people. Meanwhile, an introvert avoids talking to people because it feels exhausting.
There are times I let other people think I was shy to avoid giving any explanation. But, of course, that would depend on the situation. If I needed to instruct someone, ask questions, or explain other details to a colleague, then I would speak in a manner that seemed normal. And that surprises my coworkers sometimes. They had this expectation that I would talk in a monosyllabic tone. Or that I will even avoid meetings and discussions.
I would if I could. And if I find it meaningless.
But working involves necessary discussions and confirmations.
I had no choice but to adapt.
Only one thing remains consistent, no matter how I label myself. I often like being alone. I learned to be independent even when I was still a kid. Eventually, I live alone now that I am twenty-three years old.
I am an adult. But the freedom I have as an adult is often tiring. The lack of guidance seemed terrifying. Everyone expects us to be responsible for our actions and make decisions.
Do I look like a nerd?
No.
My usual outfit is loose pants and a jacket with a shirt underneath. Even during college, I was the girl who dressed like a boy. My name, Laurie, was also gender-neutral. It makes it hard for them to predict my gender. Some even wondered about it. But no one is interested enough to ask. Recently, I have been cutting and dyeing my hair white twice a year. I do not know if it suited my face. I guess the downside of not having friends is not knowing the opinions of others.
It was rare for me to be with somebody. And I consider myself a nobody.
I do not mind being alone if it means being able to work on my own.
To do certain things without distractions is what I consider perfection. And to not talk to anyone else as I eat or think is my experience of heaven on earth.
I like thinking. I was born with a mind that never stops feeding me with random ideas and realizations. Simply put, I am someone with a wild imagination. I prefer staying quiet with tons of thoughts in my head.
Most of my thoughts do not matter anyway.
My thoughts can come and go as quickly as they please.
But sometimes, as I recall what happened that day, I wish I could lie and tell myself I only made up everything in my head.
Daydreaming helps me to calm down whenever I find myself in a new or familiar situation. If I distract my brain to think of other things, it will help lessen my panic.
Like whenever I rode a cab. Alone.
Although I do not mind being alone, riding a taxi could be scary. My mind will instantly think of horrible possibilities like being kidnapped, being raped, or being murdered. Or it could be less tragic but still traumatizing.
If it was a typical robbery, I might consider myself lucky if I remained unharmed because taking money is the only agenda. And if the robbers left me alive in a place where transportation and people are rare to find. I might die of hunger because I will end up lost in a place other people can figure out.
I lack a sense of direction. It is why I never imagined myself owning a car and driving one. If not for the task assigned that day, I would not go and hail the first cab that caught my eye.
It happened while I worked as a Production Assistant. I admit it was not a job I expected to have. But after almost a year of being jobless, I became desperate to accept any work I could find.
My job is to finish clerical tasks like organizing files, ordering food for all the staff, and tracking the scheduled deadlines. I do not mind being called the errand girl because I like helping out as long as it is not draining my energy. Being a PA in a production company is also close to the course I had. So, it was not a bad offer, even if video production is not my interest.
If we are on a shoot, dealing with crowds somehow suffocates me. Sometimes, I can endure it. But after that, I need to recharge myself by isolating myself. I would come home dead tired once the shoot ends.
Some people understand the concept of being an introvert and why it is draining to be with other people. Others do get confused. And some people think I am just a loner, a geek, or a nerd. It was somehow embarrassing.
Why? Because I am not smart.
That statement, if said out loud, would lead to people thinking I am putting myself down. Or they would probably ask if I was only being humble.
Silence is still the best choice for me.
Explaining complicates things.
And it leads to more questions than answers.
Anyway, I remember that my day started great that April. I woke up fifteen minutes before my alarm rang. By six in the morning, I am already at the train station. And I arrived first at the office. I always consider this an achievement.
I fixed some files and prepared the room before my officemates came. Once they do, we all gather for a cup of brewed coffee. Sometimes we chat. Most of the time, I listened while they talked.
By nine, our manager has prepared a document. It needs to be signed by our head, Mr. Sanchez. He was not going to the office due to some personal errands. But we knew Mr. Sanchez would still be at home until before lunchtime. We still have time to have him sign some legal documents. But the question is, who will be the person to deliver it to his home?
Our delivery guy was already on some errands. To make the process fair and fun, my coworkers and I wrote our names on a small piece of paper.
We asked our security guard to pick one. It was my name that was on the paper he held. Though my officemates were laughing at how we decided to handle the task, I knew it was our way to be equal. All of us are busy in the office, so having an added task, especially an important one, is hard to give and reject sometimes.
I just shrugged and got the documents since I also do not mind going out. But when I saw the address, I was informed by our guard that it was the kind of subdivision that only cabs and private vehicles were allowed to enter.
"Hey, Laurie! Here's your transportation allowance. Just hurry and try to catch up with Mr. Sanchez before his flight this afternoon," the production manager said as she handed me some money. She was also waiting for someone to answer from the other line as she talked to me. Multitasking is usual in our office.
Anyway. I left the office thinking I only had a simple task.
