Chapter 1

My childhood

when I was 9...

"Grandma, how do i look? Am I pretty?" I asked absolutely wanting to hear a positive answer - at least from her.

" Hmm, you look average, not so preety but no so dark also" and that reply broke all the self confidence I had.. "why so?" I asked .

" You have a dusky skin and white means pretty , dusky is average " shock....one more person saying me that I am not pretty because of my skin tone.

" I didn't had a good relationship with my own family members after that, at 10 year of age I learned to bury my words inside my heart , to not speaking anything sensitive to anyone and lost all of the self confidence or self esteem or whatever a normal person has that makes them so relaxed around strangers. I never spoke with anyone but my close friend about my insecurities. "

Being a dark skinned indian, people always judge you for your skin tone and not based on your qualifications or talent.

that's why I started hating other people's company , staying alone became my habit, I took my book's support - studying all the time until I turned 17 and realised that books also don't interest me anymore...should I just study hard and get a scholarship and move out of this country into a place...a country where I won't feel insecure ..where my skin tone won't be the source to know my potential?

Is there any country like that out there? there must be....it can't be like this forever ...No, I can't live like this forever...

when I was in the middle school , I always prayed to god every night.. "please God, make me pretty , please !" somehow every morning waking up and running to see the same skin tone of my face and body...it wasn't new but every morning the first thing I had in mind was disappointment...I was disappointed from my own self. I wanted to be confident just like others but somehow every time I tried ...the only thing stopped me were people's judgements..."you ain't pretty, you are ugly, you are tanned, you are dark" ...I loved black , I loved brown , I loved people with those skin tone then why i couldn't bring myself to love me or to accept me?

I never thought that I was a princess or an angle or a queen because according to my family or the society also, they are all white , fair skinned girls.

I even started to feel that maybe I am a devil ...that's why I hate people , that's why i love to stay alone, that's why I stopped praying and that's why I no more believed in god.

Did I ever change ?? if yes, then how?? you'll know it in the next chapter.

Thanks for reading!)