1 A Captive Prey: The self-hunt

Before I really begin with my story, I would like to acknowledge the unseen lady for the favor of bestowing me on this planet. It has been exactly 36 years and 364 days since the day I stepped into this human world, a belligerent space. So out of all the knowledge I have secured, it says that tomorrow I am to get a year closer to my afterlife. But I am not much sure of witnessing the new dawn tomorrow, I still wish to go back 37 years and abort my own existence .So after spending thousands of nights like an insomniac here I am with just a pen, which is most likely to decide my fate to see the sun rise again .

I was handed over to the warden of the orphanage at the age of just 10 days and that's where I was named 'Darius', probably the only good thing out of all, which meant "possessing goodness". I am just a mere result of a fornicate between my supposedly mother and father. My childhood hasn't been that exciting because every time a couple visited the orphanage, they hopped to the next child ignoring my presence there, I was mocked and taunted by the others. " you are a scum, produced out of a jest night." As per my memory these were the exact words they began with and laughed with a disgust look. I have always been fidgety about something unknown to me forever, was it my so called mother's genes or my father's that ruined my life since the very beginning, the complexion. The biggest drawback I hold even till today is the color of my skin, I was born a black, grew up being treated like one in this god dam country surrounded by the whites, like maggots in a drain. I had to live among another 100 luckless miscreants who were either left outside the gate or imported directly from the hospital like me. I loved myself to the maximum because after an age I had realized that its forever going to be me alone, I guess I was the only kid who loved silence and spent time solitarily , imagining my soul to someday flee all darkness and fly free. I was running much ahead of my age , maturing everyday a little more than my yesterdays. It always helped me grow better, to recover from every new nickname, like ' Mr. Black' and ' blacky' and 'coal' and could add in some more synonyms to it. I worked my ass off real hard just for an "A" on my grade sheet at the end of every session and I suppose that was the only duration in life where luck walked along, right beside me. The clock continued ticking and soon it was time for us to step out of our secured zone and into the outside world. My soul was somehow attached to that boundary, every wall that kept us hidden from the outer space and people. Surprisingly I had actually shed counted number of tear drops along with few of those goodbyes, even after all those tormenting moments it presented me throughout this time.

High school didn't actually bring much difference in the story because it turned out something lot unusual than my visionary scenes about this place. There was nothing new except the fact that life had mixed in a little brighter version of the color from past, a bit darker than a crow's feather now. By now I had already known that my life isn't going to align into something straight ever but this place I say feels lot different than the past venue, I felt more embarrassed here and got more vigilant with my surrounding, isolated myself In corners. The 'A' graded freak was now lacking behind on every step and with it was a brand new depressing world within, which had conquered a huge area in the mind. I kept reading but was never provided with a chance to workout with those optimistic quotes and articles in life. I quit all of my expectations and imaginations about those ever achievable dreams and moments. Counting every dollar note I had hidden with me ,I somehow managed to loan on a second hand laptop. That was the only true company I have had till today only because it was a puppet stringed to my fingers. But to explain , it was too egoistic in nature and hanged and sulked a lot, so I bid a firm goodbye to it within a month, I murdered it and tore it apart. But by then it had fulfilled my needs, I somewhat got addicted to some specific shows like "The Badlands", "Murder", "Texas killing fields" and some more to go with.

It was high time I needed to make a move by myself, and accordingly I walked every street, looking at all posters and advertisements offering some decent amount to live life with. At the end of the week a letter arrived where Mr. Toddler had sent a 10 dollar note with an instruction to meet him at the address from where the letter was dispatched. I was kind off tauted as the day was arriving close for the meeting, I kept praying to something unknown and invisible, we kids had no history, no surname, no religion, nothing to make an autobiography little colorful. I only prayed for memories never to repeat again where the world treated me like an alien , I prayed not to be neglected and skipped again, by this man.

This white man was something lot different to mention, he did not justify me with a single glance nor by my color, for the first time my inner me referred to something marvelous. Sounds pretty good isn't it? But this was the man behind the new beginning of another life, a deific devil.

Things went pretty easily all this while, I was provided with a chance to prove my worth, to show the universe my value. I learnt every new thing that excited me, and soon I got pretty serious of my character and my world. I promised myself to never let loose on the beauty I held, my smile, until that day where every hour got little more intense than the previous. One fine morning I entered Mr. Toddler's office and noticed a long, thin wire hanging over from the ceiling , almost reaching the ground . I put the face line off from the main meterbox and planned to get the wire settled and the moment I stepped into that room , there was my conscience which forced me to feel some shadow passing from behind. If only my conscience would force me enough that moment to take a look behind , maybe I wouldn't actually be here tonight typing down something tragic from the future. Within a minute there was a faint sound of something flicking and by the time I could even realize the source or make any move I laid there flat on the ground, electrified to death. I felt every volt of current passing through my cells and organs. After about 72 hours I blinked again, it was an extremely phenomenal moment for me because I did feel myself again, it wasn't a dream I was watching , I wasn't numb anymore. There stood Mr. Toddler and his daughter, each on my sides , probably waiting for me to get my senses back. Believe me there had never been even a single moment in my life where I could feel that there was someone behind me who cared for me, who would stand up for my comfort, but that was the second my heart did fill up with something unfelt to me, it was joy and love.

No engine could bring my life on track neither could any beam balance ever get it evenly balanced. All of my life its been grief and nothing more, the author of my book had began even the introduction in a gloomy manner and since then its all visible. Google had once showed me something which said " And this too shall pass " , and since then I've been waiting eagerly with a constant stare at the door for a little happiness, but the quote never actually supported my life ever because neither time nor situation ever passed. There I lounged quietly bed ridden for the second time since birth, yes I seem to have missed the incident which had once pushed me too close to the edge of living. While running towards my class in school I had once fallen and got injured on the left side of my head which had partially damaged my amygdala, although it didn't actually serve me much since it is a region of the brain crucial for emotion and behavior, and the only emotion that ever grasped me was grief, so it isn't actually that important as a content or mayhap be the most in a long run. And if you wondering that after a very tiring journey I had met someone empathetic then wipe the haze off from your eyes.

After about a week I finally got rid of that sick gown and could return back to my own little space. Soon I joined back the office and there stood Mr. Toddler with a bouquet and excited to greet me with his warm sentences, on the very first day. I guess nobody could ever sense the mouse-trap laid there, not even me. Before I could work again, he forced me to get my life insurance done from the Texas metropolitan insurance company, what an appropriate method to make money out of life. But life back then was so different, I had persuaded myself to give extra respect to that man who provided me with a reason to continue on. He didn't actually seem such a fox then, and as I mentioned before he was a deific devil in the form of a human.

One dark night I walked it up the stairs of Mr. Toddler's apartment to inform him about the trip to Dallas for the meeting and overheard the rub out plan implemented for the coming day. I stood there fossiled for the conversation to end and broke down completely only because the name of the victim sounded very familiar, Darius. I walked it straight to my quarter and without uttering pulled the blanket over and rested cozily. I started recalling memories and it all started to make sense then, the ten dollar in the envelope, all the care, the wire hanging down, the shadow passing behind, the hospital, the insurance and now the meeting. Let me tell you as you know I had no back up, no family, nobody, so I had to make Mr. Toddler the nominee for my ten million insurance package and that was all he acquired, a clean tale to tell. I sank into the deepest point of darkness, that summer night seemed much longer than even the midwinter night. It still gives me Goosebumps trying to rewind through those hours, those were the most precious hours of my life because I had to walk either way, the least expected decision one can make but by morning I had a clear mind and was prepared to face the pre-known strategy.

How would it be if you knew that tomorrow is the dead end of your life or rather say that within the duration of about six hours your life would seize to exist? Maybe you would still give it a last moment try to alter the happening, right. Neglecting all the history from behind, we all love ourselves more than anything and could possibly take up any step to save this little heart, even a herculean step wouldn't feel that huge. I had dashed into many walls in life but this one had diseased the heart, the leftover emotions had given up all hopes to trust another being again, I guess I had given up hopes of even meeting another being. The only organ active was the brain and its ideologies from its self murdered mate.

That morning seemed to know the exact havoc created in my mind, the weather was all gloomy with a mixture of slight smog and mist. I drove the car with miss Toddler by my side, straight through the highway 84 east with my speedometer reaching the mark of 100km/h and within 45 minutes we were at the outskirts of Abilene and through the unclear sight I seen a truck running towards us, limitlessly. The next minute was too crucial for our all new ford because the airbags had been crushed by those heavy tyres and the countdown for our souls to escape had begun. So that was the last in my memory before my eyes could shut. Approximately after a couple of weeks I had got out of the coma and could once again see the world but the surrounding this time wasn't joyous because miss Toddler couldn't make it through the accident. Those monster tyres had crushed her little tender body along with those airbags. It all may sound weird but the visible truth was crystal clear lying on the roads of highway 84.

The genre of my life and fortune has always remained the same since the very beginning of those baby steps, it was inevitable. I have always been the communicable disease one would avoid, every field, every family I have connected myself with have extincted in today's date or rather I would say the countdown had started for them the day I associated myself with them. I still curse myself for all those deaths and accidents, I still blame my presence there. My life, my fortune, the word called 'luck' never ever visited me with something good and this disease grew to an extent of even wiping those lives I got close to. I am the unseen criminal behind many such deaths, and since there has never been a moment where I could rearrange things and correct myself , so I have decided to take a self disciplinary action. I guess "hanged to death" is too small as a judgement for such a misfortuned soul who's life has been colored with blood, but before I climb that chair I would like to mention something for the readers, I suppose this writing would first be witnessed by the sheriffs or some NYPD agent and I'm glad to mean it to those dutymen .

Criminals have been executed but the crime still prolongs, it still scares the mind. Laws and regulations have been made tougher so that a person thinks twice before breaching them but what scene does reality provide with? People feel disgusted about crime and criminals but how many actually know the cause, how many have been through the journey of a criminal?. I say the community, the society, the law, all are involved in making a criminal. Today the police are coming for me only because I robbed a meal from the family who make millions by the end of a year, who can actually feed dozens like me but no, they dislike the bad but never try helping the bad turn good. How many are actually interested in knowing the story behind such a character before yelling for punishment?. Exceptions are everywhere, I don't say to let a criminal go but for victims like me, the roads are more like a doodle. Nobody is born to go against the law, it is either situation, surrounding, people, negligence and many more factors that force us to transform into an unwanted character. The society contributes a lot in inventing these miscreants, it does not accept the unique, it never lets them fit in. Even though they repent, want to correct themselves, want to wipe the stain off their ledger, they are not given a chance. The society abandons them before they can even step in to explain, and that's where things go wrong, nobody listens anymore, they are forever isolated with the term 'Criminal' stamped on to them. They are forever the targets, the humiliated ones, the preys and soon things turn upside down, the preys then become the predators now . I have experienced too much of it, the entire time, and will not be able to accept myself if I have to someday step out of the jail and into the catastrophe again. Its five past midnight and I hear the siren get clearer, its my time for the payback, this world is full of vengeance so don't trust blindly on what is shown to you, learn to decipher it by yourselves. Goodbye Cruel World and a Very Happy Birthday To Me...…

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"Presence of a Wonder/Terror often lies behind the Mask".

Chapter two- The Captive Prey: Predation Reveals.

On its way to reach you soon.