1 Prologue

I stared at the boy who's smiling while he's having a conversation with a girl who I think is his classmate. My heart ached a little with the thought that his smiles were genuine when he was talking with her. I wanted to stop staring at them because it would be too much for me to take. But, I just can't help myself. This is like self-torturing myself.

I know I wasn't the best girl in here. I am not that beautiful for boys here can gaze 24/7. I know this is wrong to even feel like this. I know I am always the one who's thinking that I'm a failure. I just can't help but feel so insecure whenever I see him with someone pretty.

I have said this to myself countless of times that he will never like me... that everything that he had said are just pure lies. How stupid am I to believe all of those things when I know from the start that I am not the best girl.

That's why if I ever get played on, it will never be a surprise for me.

"Hey, Asha Jane! We're going to have lunch now." I stood up straightly and acted natural when I saw my friend Thea who's looking at me. She's my classmate that's why we're mostly seen together.

I smiled at her and nodded. "What? You're looking again at Makey? Eat first before you go on flirting with him!" she said that made me frown. Her voice too was too loud!

I motioned her to shut up and thank goodness that she isn't that crazy today. It's totally a good day!

"Come here now! We're going to eat at the cafeteria and we might lose our opportunity to sit in a comfortable chair if you continue looking at Makey." she said and I nodded again then went on where she is.

We went to the cafeteria and true to her words, there are plenty of students eating.

"Get us food. I will be the one to find us a vacant seat." I said and gave her money before I pushed her so she will not have anything to say. She laughed as she was walking far away from me. I shook my head and thought that she really is a crazy girl.

Then I looked for vacant seats and thank goodness because I have found a group of friends who are almost finished that's why I went closer to them but my eyes got wide when I recognized the person who's one of the people sitting there. I didn't let them notice that I was surprised and panicking when I saw him.

"Uhh... is this table already reserved?" I asked the man who's done eating and he's just probably waiting for his friends to finish eating too.

He looked at me when he heard my voice and my heart beats faster than the normal beating when our eyes met. His intently looking at me. Like there are some questions that he wants to ask me but he can never say it in front of his friends.

He revoked his gaze at me and shake his head then looked at his friends. "Sit here. We'll just for the others to finish. I'll just stand here." he said and then stood up from his seat so I can sit.

"But...what about you?" I shyly asked. It's too awkward that he gave up his seat for me and then he's at the side standing!

"I'll be fine and besides, they're almost done." he answered, pointing his friends who stopped eating because they were looking at us.

I looked at them and then all I heard was him being teased by them. I looked back at him and saw how his ears went red. I felt shy realizing all of these and just look at the other way so that they won't see me blushing too.

To be really honest, I hate eating in the cafeteria when students are flocking here to get or buy lunches. They are so many that it would result to the overall atmosphere inside to get hot. And also, it would be too noisy for me to take.

I was just silent when they left and then that was the cue for me to sit comfortably. I waited for a few minutes before I saw Thea carrying a tray where our food was in it. I stood up so I can help her carry because I think it's too hassle for her.

When were at our table, we put down the foods and settled down, we started eating. I personally love it when we're eating because this is the only time she's quiet and not chaotic. She personally believes that eating is sacred and it needs to be shared silently. A respect for the food that is in the table.

When she was almost finished, she got the bottled water at the side of her plate and then drank from it. I also got my bottled water and drank. When he's done drinking, she looked at me and grinned.

"I saw that one huh..." she said and even playfully raised both her eyebrows. "Why are you both pretending to not know each other? Is it something like a code for the both of you?" she asked me and I sighed.

I drank the remaining water inside the bottle before I answered her, "We both had a deal that we should keep our relationship lowkey. We don't want some issues and besides we're only at the courting stage."

"When are you going to say yes to him?" I stilled when she asked me the question. It feels like I don't even know the answer.

Like the only answer would be a solied 'I don't know'

I found out recently that these past few days, he became distant to me. It's not like the previous interactions where he would walk me home. Sometimes, we would also have some secret dates but these past few weeks, it has been a 'lame' one for us.

It's different. Like there's something wrong... like there's something hidden that I have yet to find out.

But I have been asking him if we were fine and he answered that we are... that he was just busy and all for the past few weeks. But actions speaks louder than words... it was clear that we weren't fine. So, I have decided to secretly stalk him. Just for a little bit.

I know it's not my usual doings to stalk someone but he's pushing me to do it. I just can't help myself but feel worried about us. Is he tired of me? Is he getting bored? Is he tired waiting for my 'yes' then he realized that I wasn't worth the wait?

I don't know. I really don't know.

I smiled at Thea because I felt like she was staring at me for too long. I think I spaced out for too long.

"You know what? You're yes is too long and maybe he got tired of you waiting for that sacred yes and maybe he found someone else." Thea said and even had the guts to laugh and I know she meant nothing to it...but still it hits me right through the heart.

She's right. Maybe in the process of dating me, he found someone deserving for a love that he can give. Maybe, he found someone that he can love truly, a girl that can give him a 'yes' immediately because she was sure of herself and she was sure of having Makey in her life.

I think, it would be good to just let him go because right now, I wasn't really sure if I'm still okay.

"Maybe you're right." I nodded at her that earned her to stop laughing because she realized that I took it too seriously. "I'll just talk to him later."

My friend got surprised over what I said that's why she stood up from her seat, "Hell, Asha! Don't take it too seriously! I know Makey. He's not that kind of guy." she revoke what she had said a few minutes ago but it's too late for her to do that.

I am sure of what I'm going to do now.

The bell rang indicating that our lunch is done and it's time for us to go to our classroom for our first subject in the afternoon to take place. We stood up and walk until we're inside our classroom.

A few minutes later, the teacher went in and discussed a topic that we're discussed last week. And even if the teacher's voice is loud enough to get our attention, my mind is pre-occupied and it wanders to what I am about to do later. If how am I going to tell it to him without stuttering or feel hurt.

I texted him in between class that I want us to meet and he replied that he'll be going.

Makey:

Okay. We'll meet and talk later at the side of the pool if you don't want anyone to see us.

That is what he replied and I only answered a simple 'Ok' because I want to listent to the teacher but that didn't happen. What is inside my mind is only things that isn't related to the topic and because of that, I didn't know that it's almost dismissal.

Nervousness started to crept inside my chest when I realized what I am about to do. I am going to let go of him...

I will never have the chance to be with him again. And what hurts me the most is the thought that I am ready for it even if it will hurt me for a little while. I am ready to get hurt.

From the very start, I knew that we were never meant to be together but this foolish side of me still want to risk because I also want to love someone dearly and be loved by someone.

It will hurt me emotionally because he could've been my first boyfriend.

After I have finished fixing my things and myself, I went outside our classroom and went to the pool where we agreed to meet. While I was walking, I made myself ready and all the things that I have to tell him and it made me more nervous when I started to stutter.

"Makey, I know that we've bee—" but I instantly stopped when I saw him leaning at the white-painted wall that's a barrier between the pool and the unused covered court. His hands are inside the pockets of his pants and he's staring at the blueness of the pool's water.

He looked so handsome wearing his marine uniform. With a clean cut, cleansed uniform and with a very pleasant smell, he will always remind me of someone that I almost love so much.

My heart hurt just imagining those what ifs.

I walked silently as I am approaching him. He didn't even know I was coming that's why I feel so nervous all of a sudden. He looked serious while staring at the blue pool mirroring the colors of his eyes.

His eyes are always my favorite. Those blue eyes who will always captivate you when he's staring at you. It'll let you feel something that I can never explain. It will always be my preference.

When I became closer to him—distance would probably be centimeter apart, I cleared my throat making him turn and look at me.

He showed his smile immediately that I couldn't afford to give back. It just made me feel worse that what I have felt a few minutes ago. My heart ache as I look at his face, smiling and making me feel like he loves me so much.

His smile will eventually be seen by me from afar.

He probably noticed my expression that was written all over my face that's why he furrowed his forehead. His hair was dancing along the wind and it made the atmosphere feel so cold.

"Asha, do we have a problem?" he asked.

I nodded and inhaled deeply. I stared at him straightly, "This will be long so please don't stop me from speaking." and he stared at me too... making my heart beat faster than the usual.

Our height differences were so obvious because I am literally just keeping my head up because when I stared at him, I was a bit lifting my head.

"I know it gets a little bit boring if you have been courting me for too long and I understand if you're being like this for the past few weeks. I enjoyed your company. You make feel loved even if the courting stage was just short. I feel like that was the best days of my life. So thank you for letting me experience that—"

I wasn't done but he already stopped me from saying more.

"Asha, what do you actually mean?" he asked me, his voice was evidently showing some confusion and tension in his voice.

I sighed, "I want you to stop courting me." I straightforwardly said and I saw how his mouth hang a little when I said those words.

"What?" he surprisingly said after recovering from what I have said. "Asha, did I do something wrong?" he asked again and I can almost see his desperation.

When I saw how hurt he was, I was also hesitant if what I did was right. I want to take back what I have said but my mind is firm about the thought that maybe, he just needed the push. Maybe, he wanted to be free from me.

"Asha, I am not forcing you. I can wait. Please... please don't say that." he said and I saw how his eyes got all red because of those tears forming at the side of his eyes that is about to come out if he isn't stopping it from falling.

I closed my eyes because the frustrations and guilt is slowly knocking me out. Why am I hurting the man that I love the most? Why am I doing this to hurt myself too?

Is this even the right choice? Am I even good at making the right choice?

I calmed myself because I feel like I'm going to cry too.

I am thankful that we decided to meet at a hidden part of the pool because it will be too shameful to let someone witness this scene.

He held my hands, "Asha, please... I'm sorry if I have done something that might have offended you. Just please, don't tell me to stop courting you." he almost sounds like he's begging.

I took my hands away from his hold, " Please, Makey. Don't make this hard for me. Just please leave me alone." I said and turn away from him.

I started walking away when I heard him say something.

"I'll court you for one week more, if you don't want me after that, then I'm not going to bother you anymore." he said but I never looked at him again.