3rd July

I had a dream.

I blinked, there seemed to be something bright in front of me. I reached my hand out, blocking the light, getting a clearer view of everything around me. It seemed I was facing the sun, a beautiful scene, actually. The sun seemed to be about to set or rise. Where was I?

I tried to look around at the scenery, where could I possibly be? I looked down and realised I was sitting down, on a wooden bench even. Dark brown and classy, I seemed to be on a wooden bridge. In front of me, without a railing, I could see what was below me. Not too far below the bridge, was a small stream. Water so clear it almost looked transparent, shimmering as the surface of the water reflected the sunlight. I looked at the stream, there were fishes swimming inside, koi, white fishes with coloured patches. I guess it was not too deep, I could see the bottom of the stream, where there were rocks, smooth white and grey rocks. At the shore too, around the stream, we're the rocks.

I looked to either side, where the rocks ended, a patch of grass started. It was a pleasant sight, pretty relaxing as I watch the stream flow in my direction. I looked up to see if the clouds made any odd patterns, but I only managed to see a few strands of clouds, the clear sky apparent. Along the bridge were these lampposts where a line was connected to each, red and white material hanging from them.

I noticed the stream being lit an orange colour. It was relaxing, pretty nice actually. I was enjoying the view, a breathtaking view I had never once seen in person. I had looked at books, read articles online, but never in person, and I probably never will.

I looked to my right again, and there was a girl there. Had she always been there? She sat there, looking into the distance. The orange light reflected off her pale skin, giving her a look resembling that of a lightbulb. Her eyes glistened in the sunlight, her blue eyes seemingly getting mixed with the orange light. Her hair was blonde, the orange light making it glow. Her expression was so calm and beautiful that I momentarily forgot to breathe. Her ponytail swayed gently as a breeze blew by.

She wore a jacket that was zipped up, and a pair of jeans. On her lap, rested a blank sketchbook, she had yet to draw anything. She held it with her left hand, her right hand holding a pencil. She tapped the butt of the pencil against her chin, deep in thought as she stared, almost longingly, into the sunset.

The world was dyed Orange.

She turned around, sudden and without warning. She saw me, and for a brief moment, I saw my own reflection in her eyes. What was I to her? What were we doing here? She was so beautiful, did someone like me have any business being beside her? We were close, sitting at either end of the same bench, which wasn't that long to begin with. Maybe an arm's length apart, but the distance between couldn't have been bigger.

She saw me and made eye contact with me, which I instantly looked away. She might find me disgusting, and if she would say it out loud, I might have just thrown myself into the stream in an attempt to drown myself. I felt something press against the right side of my body. I glanced to my right, the girl had closed the gap between us and had lung one leg over the other as she looked out into the sunset.

Why has she come closer?

I did not say a word, a look at her face, she seemed so focused that I had no right to disturb her. I looked out with her, into the sunset that matched any first-class photographer's pictures, maybe even better.

The two of us did not speak, only looked. I did not know who she was, but she was there. I eventually looked away from the view and looked at the sketchbook. An impressive sketch art, frayed lines and a rough drawing of the sunset, along with the stream. Initially, it looked messy, almost like it was drawn with an artist's off-hand, but looking closer, there was a lot more detail than expected. The clouds that seemed to all float towards the sun, meeting at the horizon, were represented by a vague blank in the sketch. The sun itself, half-submerged in the horizon, was drawn with smooth, wavy lines. Despite the drawing being black and white, it seemed so colourful, unbelievably so.

The girl still looked out. I looked at her face, who was she? She blinked and looked at me, our eyes meeting. This time, however, I was unable to look away. Her blue eyes sparkled as she looked at me, the orange in her eyes seemingly dancing with even the slightest movement from her. She smiled at me.

"You like my drawing?"

I could understand her, I saw her mouth move. She spoke with a calming tone as if she was luring me to a trap I would gladly jump into. I could understand all of that, but I heard none of it. I simply knew she was saying it, and how she said it.

She pressed the pencil on the sketchbook and put it on the bench to her right. It showed she was finished with her work, and she was done for the day. It made sense, the sun was setting, and it was soon to get dark. All around, despite it not being dark yet, the lamps turned on.

As if someone had flicked a switch, the sky went dark. All around me, darkness, pitch-black darkness all around me. A darkness so thick and choking that everything ceased to exist before it. I started to panic but stopped when I felt a hand holding my own. I blinked a few times, and as if following my blinking, a light blinked into existence.

The lamps were lit, and they seemed to have cast a spotlight on the two of us. Nothing else in the world existed, everything else was just dark. No stars or moon hung in the sky, for all that could be seen was unseen.

I looked at the girl, she seemed to be calm and fine, undeterred by the sudden change in lighting. In fact, she seemed to be laughing, or at least, trying to hold her laughter in. She giggled as if having been tickled.

"You're scared of the dark?"

I felt my face get hot. I never once thought I was afraid of the dark, I doubted I was. I had spent countless nights in the hospital by myself before, I was used to the darkness. Once again, I knew what she was saying, but her voice did not reach me.

I was not afraid of the dark, I don't think so. So why? Why had I started to get scared when the darkness consumed me? What exactly about it unnerved me to such an extent?

"That's not good."

I looked her in the eyes. She had a hand on my cheek, her hand warm to the touch. The warmth permeated me, the coldness of fear seemingly vanishing in that one instant. She girl had a gentle smile and a mature look as she rubbed my head.

"You can't be afraid of such things at your age."

She was right, I guess? I needed to grow up, the darkness should not be affecting me this much. I wanted to reply to her, nod at least but was unable to. It was as if I could not bring myself to perform such actions, I was just stuck in place. She looked me in the eyes, her blue eyes no longer sparkling, but had a certain warmth to them. She opened her mouth to speak once again.

"One day, I want you to go into the darkness with me."

I was ready to agree. She made me felt safe, she was like a beacon of hope in a void of emptiness. The spotlight that shone above us turned off, leaving us in absolute blackness. I looked left and right, unsure of whether my eyelids were open to begin with. However, despite the lack of visuality, I could understand, but not hear, a voice.

"Let's do it, on the Thirty-First Of July."

My eyes flew open.

I stared into the dark. The darkness was much unlike that of what I had dreamt, for there was a dim moonlight streaming from the window. I could vaguely see the ceiling light, and the ceiling itself. I looked around, trying to remember my dream, for some reason, I could only vaguely remember the darkness, the memory of the dream already fading. I pushed the blanket off me and sat up on my bed, my legs dangling from the side. I reached my legs out to feel the cold floor before standing up. I made my way to the switch beside my room's door and flicked it on, more urgent than usual, expecting the light to turn on.

However, the room still remained in darkness. I flicked the light switch a few more times, but there was no change. I guess the light had been broken, or there was a problem with the switch itself. I walked out, my eyes already adjusted to the dim light of moonlight, walking into the living room. I reached out with my skinny arm and flicked the switch of the living room, everything seemingly lighting up at once, sending a jolting pain up my eyes. I closed my eyes and rubbed them over my eyelids gently as I stood in place. After who knows how long, I opened my eyes, blinking several times before looking around. I went to the bathroom to finish my business.

I walked out of the bathroom and into the living room again, wondering what I should be doing at that time. I looked around and walked towards the sofa, where a cat poked its head out. The cat stared at me, her eyes wide. She crawled out of the sofa, how she managed to fit herself under it amazed me. Our family cat, Meilyn, stretched and jumped at me. I fell back, slightly surprised as she came in contact with me. I rubbed her head as she purred. I laid on the ground, she was on my chest. I could feel the gentle vibrations of her purring running through my body.

I rubbed her back, her tail swishing back and forth. She let out a yawn and got on her paws, pacing a circle on my chest before jumping off. She once again disappeared under the sofa.

I stared at the ceiling of my home.

"What are you doing?" I heard my mother say.

I turned my head to look at my mother. She was already ready for work, a bag slung over her shoulder. She looked at me, a look of concern on her face. It was reasonable why she would be concerned, I was often sick, I might have collapsed from the sickness again.

"Nothing much." I replied.

I got up and brushed the dust off my shirt if there were any. My mother nodded and pointed to the dining table. "Well, breakfast's ready."

I nodded, looking at the plate.

My mother walked up to me, patting my left cheek and kissing me on the right as she said, "Don't do anything reckless today, okay?"

"I won't," I promised her.

She went over to the door and put her shoes on, saying, "I'll be going off now."

"Have a safe day." I said as she was walking away.

I pulled back the chair at the dining table, one of three chairs. I pulled the plate closer to me and looked at it. It was bigger than I expected, and I was unsure if I could even finish it. It was an omelette, an omelette that would require what I assume to be three or four eggs. However, there were also vegetables mixed in with the eggs, bell peppers, onions, carrots. It smelled quite divine. I thought back, the smell was quite strong, why had I not noticed it before going to the bathroom? Had my mother cooked it up while I went?

I thought back, yesterday when I was looking through the fridge, there was close to nothing in it, so where did the eggs and vegetables come from? I shrugged it off and lifted the fork. I held it gently, not much strength in me anyways. I pressed the side of the fork against the omelette, letting it sink in and cut a chunk out. I lifted the fork again and stabbed through that chunk. Before I ate it, I put the fork down, remembering something.

I went to the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water.

I went back, the glass of water to my right, within reach. I lifted the fork and consumed it, chewing the varied texture and flavours in my mouth. My mouth felt dry as it was the morning, so I proceeded to drink a mouthful of water. I placed the glass gently on the table, taking a deep breath before continuing my meal.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my father walk out of his room, stretching. He was in work attire, but his clothes were not well kept. He saw me eating the omelette, only about halfway done.

"Good morning," I told him.

"Good morning." My father said back.

He scratched the back of his head and walked towards the kitchen.

When I was done, I went to change into my school uniform. When I was at the door, ready to leave, my father sat at the dining table, sipping a cup of coffee relaxing while reading the newspaper.

"I'll be going off now," I said.

"Have a great day." My father told me as I walked off.

The bus ride was uneventful.

I walked into the classroom bustling with activity. I barely recognised anyone in the class, I was more like a shadow than anything else, really. I sat at my seat, beside the ever so popular girl in class. The faces of my classmates seemed blank to me, blurry, maybe, but blank. I wonder, they were so unimportant to me that I could not bother to recognise their faces. It was so dull.

Not long after I sat down, someone had come up to me.

"How you doing?" Red asked me.

looked at his face, looking at his red eyes and just his appearance as a whole. He was so red that it seemed only fitting that I refer to him as Red.

"Oh… alright, I guess?" I replied, not speaking too loud.

Red had initiated a conversation with me yesterday and had claimed to have an interest in speaking with me, or at least, getting along. He stood in front of my table, like the other friends in the class. Something about him unsettled me, why would anyone want to approach me in the first place? Granted, I was being paranoid, but loneliness does affect my scepticism. Red seemed like a friendly person who would get along with anyone, so why would he want to speak with me of all people.

"I watched the newest show yesterday, y'know." Red started saying. "Have you watched it, it's pretty good."

Show… what show was he referring to? I barely watch television programmes, and even if I did I barely remember. I would usually read an article if it was available. I tried to think, but there was no hope, I had absolutely no idea what was popular nowadays.

"Sorry, I don't really watch shows," I told him, looking down.

I had just negated his conversation topic, most people would have walked away by then. I was expecting to see Red just walk away like I never existed, act like I was useless. But he did not, he didn't walk away.

"Well, I really recommend it though." He continued. "You should watch it, I can lend you some of the previous DVDs."

"I don't think I have a DVD player." I told him.

I swear it was not intentional. I was out of sync with the people around me for I was out of it for so long. Being in a hospital, I had no idea what the latest trends were, nor did I know what the latest hot topic was. I was as clueless as an old man when it came to these things. Red seemed to not be discouraged in the slightest.

"Then come over to my place sometimes, I can watch them with you."

His offer took time to register in my mind. Was he really offering me to visit his house just to watch a show. He seemed to be genuine about it, at least, from what I could tell.

"Sure…" I agreed.

"Great, when's a good time? Maybe next Monday?"

"I'll have to ask my parents first…"

He laughed heartily and patted my shoulder. The bell had gone off, and he told me, "Well, hope to hear the good news."

Red walked off, seemingly disappearing into the crowd of faceless classmates. I looked at my desk once again, looking at my bony fingers. He seemed like he really wanted to make friends with me, despite me transferring in at such an awkward timing. I never had a proper friend before, maybe it was the start of a new change?

Lunch break, he did not come up to me to talk or anything like that. The rest of the day passed quite uneventfully. Most of the time, I sat at my seat, kind of daydreaming about what it would be like to have friends.

What was it friends did normally? Watch shows together, hang out, have food together. Should we laugh and have fun together, talk about nonsense together. It sounded quite fun, now that I think about it. Maybe I could be happy if my health could keep up.

Red seemed like a good friend, maybe I could be happy with him.

My mind started to run slightly wild. I thought about it, having a friend was normal, but not everyone seemed to be happy. We're friends not a happy thing? It was odd. Thinking about it, I once read an article about a guy who got a girlfriend, revolutionising his life, and everything else ended up being happy. It seemed superficial as if getting a girlfriend would instantly make a boy happy. I refuse to believe such blasphemy, but a small part of me wanted to believe that happiness was possible.

I glanced to my left. The girl there seemed slightly tired as she tried to listen in class. She pushed a loose strand of her blonde hair behind her ear and started taking down notes. I looked back before anyone could notice, taking down haphazard notes of my own.

Maybe having a girlfriend wasn't too bad, I might even be for it.

My heart was racing all throughout the day, which is probably not a good sign. I tried to calm myself down, but it wasn't working in the slightest. I took a deep breath, and before anyone could approach me, I left the classroom.

On the bus ride back, I stared out the window, trying to get my thoughts in order. It couldn't possibly be that I liked the girl. It had only been three days since I saw her, and we only had one semi-interaction. I tried not to think too much about it, in all honesty, she probably did not think much about me at all. Thinking back, she never even once glanced at me, only having passed my eraser back to me. I shook my head, trying to get rid of her face from my head. I mean, she was pretty, but if that was it, I had no right to like her.

Like was a strong word.

I don't think I ever felt like this before. Being confined in a hospital for a year, really, I haven't had a crush on my life. My heart was beating fast, every time I saw her, my mind was sent into a mess. My heart raced, and I failed to act properly. What was the tightness in my chest, the feeling of never wanting to leave her side? I shook my head again, no, it was probably just an infatuation on my part.

I looked around the bus. The passengers were also similar to that of my classmates, their faces were a blur to me. I rubbed my eyes and blinked a few times, their faces finally coming into focus. We're my eyes failing me too?

At home, I sat on the sofa, staring at the black screen that was my family's television. I continued to stare at my reflection, my dark reflection. It was as if I was surrounded by darkness. Seeing only myself, I could understand why someone would be afraid of the dark, why someone would panic. In the absolute darkness, in that kind of world, only one entity would exist to a person, and that would be themselves.

Loneliness was the driving factor for the fear, along with the fear of the unknown. Not knowing what was to happen, knowing that there was no one else to rely on. Those two factors work together to create a fear of darkness. I doubted I had that fear, but the more I looked into it, the more rigorous my heart. I looked away, my eyes wide as I looked at the clock above the television.

I took a shaky breath and stood up.

Dinner time. I sat at my seat, staring at the takeout food my mother had once again bought. I looked at the face of my mother, she seemed unusually tired, my father seemed normal. I dug my spoon into the rice, shyly asking them, "Is it alright… if I could visit a friend's house…?"

There was no reply for a moment. My mother seemed out of it, probably too tired to have heard my question. My father had his spoon lifted up to his mouth as he looked at me.

"When?" He asked me.

"Monday." I replied.

"Absolutely not." He said.

I nodded, not wanting to pursue the topic any further than I already did. My father put his spoon down after looking at my expression. He tried to explain, "We never know when you'll end up sick, we can't just let you go somewhere your mother and I aren't aware of."

"I understand." I said.

End of the meal, I was in my room, sketching once again. I tried to forget about it, only trying to focus on the eraser I was trying to draw. For some reason, I felt quite empty inside, was having my request being rejected that painful? Not really. Just the temporary realisation that not everything would go that smoothly for me. It felt just like when my parents refused to buy me ice cream as a child. I'm sure I'll get over it.

I'll just have to apologise to Red tomorrow.

It started to get late, and I crawled onto my bed. I pressed my pillow over my face in an attempt to sleep, trying to forget the gaping hole that seemed to have formed within. I had my blanket over me, and I looked like someone trying to camouflage.

Before I could properly fall asleep, I heard a voice.

"Hey." I heard my father say, probably from the door, his voice soft and calming. "If on Monday you feel alright, I think it's safe for you to go."

I did not reply, only listening and accepting the fact. I took it in, only managing to fill the gap that had widened from being rejected, but there was still the fact that I needed to be healthy to even go.

"Goodnight." I heard him say.

His voice was followed by the soft shutting of the door.

Beep… Beep… Beep…

Once again, the sound. I felt my mental state relax after listening to the sound of the heart rate monitor. My mind and body remembered it, night after night, in the lonely and dark nights. The many sleepless nights, the many nights I silently cried to myself.

Goodnight indeed.

Beep… Beep… Beep…