Comments of chapter undefined of The Masked Rider Zorro

Uh… I’m not gonna lie, there are a lot of issues in this story. You should not be dIscouraged and continue to write! Here is what I would work on: Tense! Is this past or present tense? You switched a lot, which is hard on the reader. Either the story happened in the past (past tense) or it is happening now (present tense). go back through and make your story consistent. Grammar! You need to brush up on this desprately. I appreciate your attempt and desire to not just use simple sentences, but your basics were even rough. Look up guides or lessons on when to use commas vs a period. Then, only use a colon (looks like this “:”) where you would normally use a peroid. There is a lot more to be said here, but I dont have time to go over all of it. Speech specifically! Why is your speech in brackets? Just use the quotation marks without brackets. There was quite a bit you did well, but here are some tips on speech: - Make sure it sounds natural like someone is really talking. - Use complete thoughts and not weird things. - “Asked” implies a question, so dont use it when someone isn’t asking one. Some general comments! - What does the first paragraph mean when it talks about numbers of bids? No one talks about the number of bids in gambling. A bid is a bet. There is the ammount of the bid (in currency like dollars) and the odds (pay ack ratio). Your whole first paragraph makes no sense. - With no hair = bald - Your descriptions are strange and not fluid. does height really matter that much? What does average phisic mean? Its better to say something that createa and immage like “huge muscular arms” than “above average phisic.” - whats with the sudden flash back about how daniel was born? Then the “now back to the story” was a huge break in immursion. I would rethink that. Maybe make a prologue thats seprate? Im confused about who this person is anyway because he is only in this weird flashback about when he was born. - Just a guess because I saw a tag that was something like “hidden identity,” but is Daniel Zorro? He is the only character with an in depth description and a backstory. if he is and you are trying to hide it, then you need a backstory for more characters. it would also help to not interrupt a scene yo randomly give Daniels backstory. Thats all i have for you. Sorry i read and wrote this in a bit of a rush. I hope this helps.