TheLonelyNephilem
An interesting story here. got potential. Grammer is solid, but I do have a single suggestion. Space out/ have more paragraphs. Too little/each one is too big. But still good. Just press the spacebar in between some of the big paragraphs man. Then it would look even better, with almost no effort!
godofsystems:do note only the big chuncks. Keep up the good work tho