Comments of chapter undefined of Secret Santa System

PART 7 In summary, I was wondering why you had Drake take the most direct approach of telling he is there to give a gift as it could paint the story into a corner and I also advise you to add more detail into the process of the heist like the disguises used this time. Adding more detail could allow you add/explain key character information, add a sense of realism that can draw the reader in, make the story more interesting, and help give you ideas and chances to explore your world. It is like what I said in my review. Take your time and add more detail. I do love your story despite all the criticisms I have said. I only feel compelled to write long reviews/comments when a story truly captivates me. I know this story can be great if you put in the effort and care. Thank you for your story and I wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Thanks For The Chapter

Thanks for the chapter 🙃

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PART 6 Finally, the last reason you need to give more detail regarding the process of disguises is that it gives you the chance to do some worldbuilding. If you took a chapter to show Drake building or even thinking for a several paragraphs on how he built his disguise, it would have given you the excuse to show different locations as to where he got different components of his disguise. He could have visited markets, stores, some livestock farmers, barbers, or even Huang’s house (or at least one of his safehouses if he doesn’t fully trust Drake yet). At those locations you could have introduced new characters that could come up later in the story. You could have shown a bit of the social structure or societal problems that are in the world, even if briefly only briefly. You could introduce unique industries that would not really exist in the modern world. If Drake made his hair from wool this could have gotten him in contact with the livestock industry which would be greatly affected by the existence of magical beasts which could be a great harm as they could go after livestock, maybe some could be trained as guard dogs, or maybe they are welcomed as if killed by traps or guards are an extra income to cultivators. If Drake made his fake beard from hair he could have visited a barbershop. Barbershops in the middle ages not only cut hair but also performed surgeries which could make it an interesting place to get tools or medicine, but seeing as there are probably alchemists this profession could be viewed as low end. Such an institution could perhaps welcome the extra income of Drake buying human hair. It also could be a place where Drake could potentially buy certain medical supplies or bladed tools on the downlow (though with modern sensibilities I am not sure how he would feel about getting medical supplies from a place that also cuts hair, if only for hygienic reasons). Conversely, Drake might be questioned (and rightly so) why he wanted to purchase human hair. In a world of spells could he perhaps use human hair for a curse? If Drake got the disguise from Huang’s house you could have examined how successful he is based on the objects stored inside. Items he particularly treasured whether they were certain luxury goods or paintings of loved ones could have revealed his motivations and his personality. There is so much you could explore and reveal about the world at large if you took your time and went into a bit more detail about the preparation, even if it was done through a flashback in order not to ruin the heist. We are only at chapter 8 so I am not expecting you to have revealed everything about this world yet. The story by all accounts is just starting. However, in the two heists you have done so far, the preparation phase has been quickly skimmed over or skipped. To me, it is starting to feel like a trend and not a good trend. I worry that you won’t take your time and slowly reveal more to the reader about the characters and the world at large. You don’t need to spell things out and you don’t need to ruin the surprise of your heist. Just take opportunities to show the readers the vast world you can create.

PART 5 That said, for Huang at least, this is not an easy disguise to pull off. Tons of fake skin to minimize the muscular appearance, makeup, wig, completely plucking beard, adding fake breasts, and maybe even fake hips to offset the limited amount the stomach can be sucked in are all basic things to even begin to pull off this disguise. This is not even mentioning additional accessories like the clothes, flattering makeup like lipstick, or fake eyelashes that not only would make Huang look like a woman, but a very attractive woman. It also has to be considered that the disguise and makeup would have to be durable enough survive the strenuous activity of Huang fighting and potentially sweating (though given that this world is so accepting of female fighters, I am sure makeup that does not run after sweating/excursion has been developed somewhere, just depends how rare and effective it is). This might have simply have been a joke disguise you thought of in passing, but the concept behind this in reality is actually quite complex. If you examine/explain this in detail, you not only could have another funny scene where Huang complains/shows how much effort and pain he had to go through for that disguise, but show the reader how complex and demanding this one basic technique truly is. Drake could potentially have lots to explore and think about in regards to disguising himself in the future. It is not just getting the right supplies; he might also need to consider what direction to take his physical training. Like what type of body type/shape does he need to aim for, whether he needs to train internal organs, develop safe make-ups (many makeups in previous eras contained toxic substances and while cultivators aim to remove impurities from the body and they have alchemists who could have made makeups as part of a business venture, it begs the question how safe low quality/more affordable stuff is), make his bones and other body parts more flexible/strong (bending his spine and similar actions are going to be common if he plans to frequently disguise himself as an old man), train in an adaptable footwork style so he can display different gaits for different disguises (yet still run away while maintaining that disguise), and many more training considerations can all factor into his disguise skills. By truly going into detail on how something is done like with Huang, it can indirectly show becomes clear how complex a task really is and can show the reader how much Drake needs to develop and train. It can help him develop a plan and set minor goals for Drake to work towards whether it is in his sect, in private training, or even in the outside world. Maybe in the future do a bit more research into some of the concepts you plan to use (not just disguises but other basic techniques that will come up like lock picking, sneaking, pickpocketing, etc.). By using real facts and detailed concepts, you build a baseline sense of realism to your story to show how skilled the protagonist and other characters are. Then you can apply those facts in a more fantastical world where there are going to be new techniques and new challenges. After all, these techniques/principles will need to get past mystical individuals who are super observant and could have greater sensing/physical abilities (if cultivators strengthen their bodies, could a cultivator notice if there is the smell of an adhesive or have eagle eyesight that notices that a beard or skin is fake?) All of this though goes back to you needing to add more detail, otherwise you miss out on so many opportunities to add that needed realism that will draw the reader in.

Thank you for the new chapter. I do have a couple questions and suggestions. However the comment is so long I have to break it into multiple comments this is PART 1. The first question I had was why did Drake outright approach the guards/elders of the sect and say why he was there? I admit that he wears a disguise and says a fake name (Lord Santa, lol. I can just picture him allowing a small child to call him by his full title Santa Claus or even just Santa while simultaneously forcing someone else in the same room to call him LORD Santa), however he still introduces himself and states outright that his purpose is to give a gift to the sect master. This outright goes against the second task restrictions in chapter 5 which state that "The gift receiver should not find out that it was you who gifted it". Even if you make the argument that since Drake disguised himself with a fake name/appearance the task giver does not know it was him, I fear that it would paint this story into a corner. After all, if Drake simply needs to wear a disguise to bypass this restriction then why does he need to break into places in the future? If he planned to outright state his intentions to give a gift, why did he even need a distraction in this situation at all? All he needs to do is wear a disguise and knock on the front door proclaiming his intentions to give the designated gift. However, excluding a few instances where someone/something still tries to hinder him, this would get pretty boring and would even slightly rub off the mystique you are trying to build up in front of other characters. Now I am not sure how you want to address this. After all, those stories of brief glimpses/interactions with Santa partly build the magic image of him which could be similarly utilized in this world you're building, so I can’t say him revealing himself could not be utilized at all (though I previously imagined the moment he announced himself as Santa Claus to the public would be a bigger moment). However, I see loads of problems on this more direct/public approach, especially if it is used frequently which I can’t see why he wouldn’t do the same thing in the future as it is simpler than breaking in (though less fun for the reader) and “Lord Santa” would have developed his identity/public reputation with this incident. Whether it is rewriting this chapter, giving Drake the punishment, have the system give more restrictions in future tasks, somehow accomplish the herculean task at the end of the heist in preventing the Sect Elders from telling the Sect Leader the fact that Santa/Drake gave a gift, or some unnamed/other reason to dissuade Drake from simply knocking on the front door in the future, I think you need to be very careful as I think this is potentially a HUGE problem.