Comments of chapter undefined of Hate System
Hate System
TheZombiRo
Chapter comments31
Right off the bat, I noticed a grammar issue in the first 2 sentences. "Once upon a time, there was a young man, his name was Zed. He was 18 years old and had black hair and he barely made a living with the job that had, he was a janitor." What I would have done it is-- "Once upon a time, there was a young man named Zed. He was 18 years old and had a job as a janitor at [location] that barely supported him." or change "support him" to "sustained his rent and electricity bills. " I don't know. Make him sound a little more mature when living by himself. I'm not going to mention the rest of the grammar issue. If there are grammar issues in the first 2 sentences, then you know they're going to be a lot scatter around the place. Second is your word choice. For example, "he was ganged from behind" I didn't know it was this kind of novel-- oh wait that grammar issue again. Just remember to put them up after ganged or replaced it with "jumped". The third is how rushed the first chapter was. He was jumped by a group gangster. Then he was disowned in less than 100 words. Then he got angry and started talking to himself in less than 50 words. Then he got a system and in TOTAL, from beginning to the awakening of the system, is in less than--- AH ****, I did the math wrong since it was a lot more than 300 words. But that says something (probably, IDK), his worse part of life is described almost like info dump-- pours on to me. I didn't feel any kind of remorse nor sympathy for this character and as an author, you know what that means. The fourth is dialogue, body language, and personality. This where it might hit you hard. First, the dialogue of the MC sounded more of a child on tantrum than anything else. Well, some of his word did express some mature anger. (is that even a thing?) You may say, "Um, no, why would you say that? Haven't you seen other novel uses these words?" Then, let dissect it slowly. "One day, I'll surpass all of you and leave you all in the dust." Besides being the most Chūnibyō, I have ever heard from an 18-year-old in modern, contemporary society to boot. Let's look at his surroundings and what happened before this. He came running into his house and into his beds as if child need his blanket to comfort him. he said to himself, " One day, I'll surpass all of you and leave you all in the dust." If that isn't enough to convince you, let's not forget that the people he running away from were gangster a.k.a. the lowest, bottom parasite of society. And how are you going to surpass them and leave them all in the dust? They already in the dust, feeding on the same kind. If he was a authentic *****, then I would seen more complicate emotion than this. If he was tolerant and restrain than he would never said these kind of words, rather he will show it through body language with his hand clenched, veins poping out, or maybe even a sigh to show his frusration. If he was numb to the pain of life, then, he wouldn't react much from money stolen almost as if he isn't human and try to live because he already alive. Plus, he live in this kind of neighborhood on daily basis, then this is probaly not his first time encounter of this. He might even understand that struggling may make the pain worse since gangster don't like to see the victim struggle since that show that they still have hope. If he short temper maybe due to his past, then I would rather see him throw some **** around, curse even. It goes down to this: body language or show but don't tell. I don't need you to tell me he is frustrated. I can tell from his body language or twisted face. Body language brings personality to a person than telling me. Well that it for me. I wrote too much. Sorry if there a grammr mistake, I didn't proof read.
