Date 1

As I was about to bid my goodbye, I saw in his eyes both Guilt and Lust. Love was buried deep inside too unknown and difficult for him to comprehend and he was reckless enough to ignore his feelings. He knew what he is losing as I walked behind him but he's too afraid to hold on. In dilemma he thought, giving up was the only way for he didn't want to be tied to his emotions and wanted to taste different adventures. I knew trying to stay along would only kill me slowly for he would not offer his love as long as I am bound to his presence lingering for his affection. I was in tears inside holding it with my pride waving him the last goodbye as I took the cab.

It all started with swiping right and left which was getting too monotonous as I have been doing it for 3 days now not encountering any good Profiles. I managed to keep up a few conversations trying not to land on the topic of what I am wearing or being asked to say something sexy. I was looking for a play of words and vibe, questioning myself if it is too much to ask for now. As a child tired from an all-day activity before almost about to sleep on it I decided to do one last swiping and it is when I found a Profile named Praneel Mehta, I couldn't believe or contain my Joy because it was him, the first guy I ever laid my eyes on, my very first crush from middle school who vanished before I could gather my courage to confess my love or even make him aware of me existence as he was three years senior to me in school. But he hardly had any description and a few pictures to support his authenticity. I swiped it right with two more accounts knowing that nothing good is coming from but secretly hoping for a wistful romance and like a child eagerly waiting for the first HI! From his side hoping he is The One.

DATE 1

It is 2020 and COVID is about to take an Ugly turn and just 3 days before lockdown I came to my Hometown and luckily wasn't stuck in my work city. After that, it was all about waiting for things to settle down and like the rest of the others, I was working from home. After wasting a few days, my sister and I decided to use this time for something productive and we opened up a Youtube channel which we gave up on after two months of intense working. We realised it isn't our forte and we went back to what the respective capabilities that we are good at. I am a Fashion Designer and I decided to be one when I was 7 years old and knew that I had to do it from a prestigious College. My aunt was pursuing Fashion Designing then and was mesmerized by everything she did and knew it was my calling. After that, I never questioned my Interest and lived in a Fantasy world of Fashion and Clothing. Art and craft was a hobby for the rest of the Children, but for me it was a Full-time job, an escape from reality making me the Captain of my Canvas as I painted stories from the Fragments of my Imagination giving it colours and shapes. Apart from Drawing, dance was my second love but I really didn't excel in it and only enjoyed grooving to the music of Bollywood. This is how I remember the earlier part of my Childhood; the latter was tangled with Self-doubt, low confidence and Financial Crisis. I was always afraid to fail but that never stopped me from trying, with my thin curly brown hair and round Black Spectacles, which would probably shape a lot of fragments in my life. My school was half an hour from my place and I used to go in a Rickshaw, not a very fancy one with rusted metals supporting the shades and a worn-out blue paint that was manually pulled by a Man named Gopal Kaku. He adorned me like everyone else because as I was really pretty with fair skin, round eyes, wide lips and a lean stature always lost in my thoughts. Don't ask me what though because I don't know and it can be about anything and when I come back to reality it is all gone, making me believe that I am living in two worlds at one time that shaped my story of fantasies even wilder and stronger. I had a loving family and my sister was the best which I realised later on when I was all grown up like every other Older Sibling and our parents were good people. But like I mentioned earlier things weren't so good from the financial point cutting us from some necessities and almost all luxuries that existed then. But I was forgetful and maybe a happy child who always used her Imagination to escape and live with hope, strong enough to help her work for her dreams. I remember when I was in grade 5 and I didn't talk too much and only had a few friends living in the shade of my fear and thinking about what it would be like to be a designer but somehow I always got the spelling of the Designer wrong and was corrected by someone or the other so much that when I was enrolled into the Design College of my desire I always checked the spelling twice.

Back to being a Middle schooler, I remember my first crush, taller than an average boy, a little quiet hanging out with only 2-3 friends all violent during any football matches. I always found a way to watch him play and it was a bliss to my impaired vision. I always found him too perfect with his serious brown eyes, shining hair and perfect body. He was then the captain of the School Football team but he always seemed to be occupied with something or someone. I always wondered what it would be like to talk to him and maybe ask him out playing the confession in my head a thousand times. I came up with a plan to do it before session break like at least tell him a Hi! Followed by asking for his Email Address or Landline Number or inviting him over depending on how our Conversation would do and played different versions of it in my head. Also in case he is meant to be or shuts me down then I wouldn't have to go through the embarrassment the very next day and he will forget about it before the new Class starts after the long break. Finally, the last day arrived and it was going on forever and I could feel my heart thumping fast with every minute as the time for my confession was approaching. As soon as the bell rang, I was ready with my school bag and escaped the classroom without waving goodbye to the only friend I had and went to the place where he generally hangs out after school with his friends. Being the perfect stalker that I am, I knew after 10-15 minutes he would say bye to his friends and head over to his home and that would be my chance. To not come as a creep I brought an Ice-cream and was sucking onto it waiting for his friends to leave biting onto the Ice Cold snack but I was so immune to it which compared nothing to the rush that was going on inside me. At that point, I didn't mind if he would say no, I just wanted to let it all out and be done with it so that I don't have to spend the rest of the summer in anxiety and fear. And finally, the moment came, I thanked God as he said goodbye to his friends and was finally closer towards the "Journey of Us". I threw the remaining of the Ice-cream in the Dustbin without giving it any thought and rushed towards him. I know what I have to do, follow him a little and then call him from the back when I am close enough and start the conversation with a Hi!. I knew my dialogues, as I have had a conversation with him about a thousand times now in my imagination and in every possible way, evaluating all possible outcomes. And as the Hi! was about to come out was taken back at the sight of a Girl who stopped him first and took him by his hand and I went unnoticed. I calculated every outcome but not this with him. I was hopeful that I wouldn't have to worry about any Interference but this was not a part of my plan and I hadn't prepared myself for this. Now what would I do and how would I spend the rest of the Break? I don't want to think about him but enjoy it with my friends and family and I don't know how to contact him either. I just can't show up at his place. Student's from this age won't understand our plight as Social Media has given them the Luxury to not wait anymore but our destiny was dependent on chance, luck and a strike from the Cupid.

I visited my grandparents for the break which was such a help as I made new friends there and we used to spend all the time together roaming around the paddy field, playing with the muds, swinging and doing a lot of pranks calls from the Landline. We used to look for Matrimony ads and call them randomly and it was a good break and thankfully I wasn't that depressed or anxious like I thought I would be, but he was running through the back of my mind most of the time. And being the Hopeful me I planned on saying a Hi and again couldn't wait for school to reopen. The first day was here and I groomed myself in the best possible way. All excited I went to school and my eyes were looking for him but he didn't show up. I waited again the next day and no he wasn't there and it continued. He didn't show up for an entire week and I couldn't hold myself but then what could I do or who could I ask. It was unbearable to not know what had happened and a thousand questions were running through my head for one week which was if he is okay? I thought of asking someone from his class but I needed a plan so one week later I went to his class with a book and called one of his classmates. I told him that my friend borrowed his Pen and she wanted to return it to him but since she is not coming she asked me to give him. He took the pen and said that since he is not coming back I will keep the pen. I asked him why and that guy being a complete jerk said why do you want to know? I asked so that I can tell my friend and he said his parents shifted to Gurgaon. I quickly said okay bye and turned back so that he doesn't see the tears rolling down my eyes. I rushed to the washroom, closed myself and cried my heart out but in silence. I generally avoid public washrooms but right now I couldn't find a perfect place where I could hide in solace for a few minutes. I quickly washed my face and went back to the class after the lunch break. I felt sad but moving on was the only option.

Forwarding to eighth grade, six people failed and had to repeat the same grade with us. I made friends with two of them and the third was my second crush. I changed a little after they came into my life, I was becoming more carefree with my grades going down a little and I started becoming more talkative and opening up. I started enjoying myself more and talking to people, the change was gradual but persistent. My place was somehow always arranged near my second Crush. He was lean, very fair and had a beautiful face with Hazel eyes. The girls were already going gaga over him and even I was mesmerized with his charm but I could only keep it inside my heart because being with him felt like a dream too unreal. For reasons unknown his seat was always arranged somewhere near me by our teachers and he used to tease me a little but at the same time tried hard to make a conversation but I was too naive to read the signs and continued with my fantasy about him but was too reluctant to show it and pretended to be very casual with him. I think to pretend and hide my feelings is something that comes very naturally to me and I am very good at hiding my true intentions. Days passed slowly but time passed fast as I enjoyed listening to his Jokes and comments about everyone and everything. He hardly focussed on studying and somehow managed to always pass. Few days before every test he used to bring fake question paper and sell it to all dumb kids of our class and got away with it every time. He was a person of wicked mischievous traits that lured me even more towards him in his loose half unbuttoned shirts, low-waist pants and spiky hairs, making everything about him perfect and surreal. We all were in the same group and used to hang out together in class and I told my new best friend Rupal about him. Rupal was very supportive of us and she encouraged me to confess my feelings for him and we made a plan that after school I will wait inside the School Compound and she will go to him and ask him to meet me inside the school. As planned I was waiting in the decided location and Rupal went to call Aarav. It was more than 5 mins and my heart was thumping and started recollecting old memories of how I was ditched back then not by him but by the Cupid and since every passing minute felt like an hour I got too distressed and left the arena and as I was going towards the road I saw him walking towards the school Compound. I didn't know what to do and Rupal spotted me and she came rushing towards me and asked why aren't you in the Compound, Aarav must be waiting for you there. I left my School Bag with Rupal and rushed towards the Compound but couldn't find him there. Was it too late or did he change his mind? I had no idea but I came back disheartened. I exactly remember the date as it was also my Sister's birthday and in a few weeks our final exams were approaching so instead of planning on how to study for the exams, we were planning on things we can do after Exams. Visiting the mall and eating at McDonald's was a luxury and we were ready to indulge ourselves in it completely after the exams were over. But since the Financial Crisis I was facing back home was nowhere to go, so I can take part on only limited trips so instead I insisted on visiting each other's house more which turned out to be a success. I invited everyone from my group including Aarav after the exams and was excited about how I will sit next to him, while we all watched a movie and played the game of Truth and Dare where I can get a chance to maybe kiss. Well let this girl be hopeful at least so that she can be happy for as long as God permits, I thought and slept happily. What about exams? Well, I managed to pass with average grades but that didn't bug me much because I already knew Fashion College was my calling and hence Grades were just to help me pass and not decide, unlike those Bitchy Toppers. I was happy till the last day of my exam but started noticing breakouts on my skin, which was generally a rare sight. By night it was all over my body and we knew that I had chickenpox. I cried my eyes out because now I won't be able to meet him and with a heavy heart ranged into his Landline. His sister picked up and I asked for him, somehow I felt she knew me and I was happy about it. He was on the other side of the line and I explained to him the whole situation and expressed my regret. He told me to take care and not worry about the plan, promising to meet after I am better. I was happy after our conversation and finished my dinner which was served in my bed. The virus gave me plenty of time to eat and watch all Old movies, which I kind of enjoyed but the itchiness was crazy and I needed to be careful about it so that it doesn't leave behind any marks on my skin. It took a total of 15-20 days to recover and after that, the first thing I did was call Aarav but he told me that he will be going out for a Vacation so he won't be able to make it and will directly meet me after the school reopens. It made me wonder if I am a failure when it comes to love or it is just the same for everyone, that you never get the one you like and either settle down for someone else or die lonely. Well for me it was all or nothing so if I have to date then he should be the man of my dreams otherwise I will happily accept loneliness.

After the break was over we all met before the class was about to start and caught up about Vacation and what was happening with everyone which was nothing great or different. It was nice catching up with everyone after so long, but my heart was somewhere else looking for ways to meet his eyes and fall into his arms, what a wishful fantasy but I needed to be brave and make a move. Plotting was going well day long on how you approach him in a way to let him know he was special but not too much, nothing seemed sensible at all and let's not even start with the fact that I considered confessing my feelings to get it over with. Meanwhile, I was seated next to Fahad who was Aarav 's best friend and we were all in the same group. So we used to chat all day long and he was mischievous in his ways and made me laugh all day long. He was a nice guy and I slowly started opening more about myself and he used to tell me all kinds of stories about his crush from the junior section and his he tried approaching her and instead she hooked him up with his best friend and things got little messy after she also starred liking him simultaneously.

The middle school I tell you is a maze and you don't know which one is the right exit, it is always confusing and if you are trapped for too long then it starts getting frustrating, soon either you don't get in or find out the right exit fast. And since I started trusting Fahad more than I trust people usually, so I told him how I kind of have feelings for his best friend Aarav and asked him to swear that he won't tell him. At this point, I was naive to think that he won't tell him because the next day he came with the news, something I wasn't ready for but eagerly waiting for to happen. He told me that he had a conversation with Aarav and he too is interested in me but he will only get into a relationship with me if I promise to keep this a secret between the three of us otherwise he will walk away. I was too happy to hear that and went head over heels for him without realising that the was a major problem that I didn't give any thinking about as he was only into me as long as I keep it a secret and why a secret is he ashamed of me because of he is then he shouldn't even think about dating me. But a 7 grade me didn't have all the wisdom needed to not fall for the wrong guy and end up crying. Also, the real question is do we get that kind of wisdom ever, because all we do is cover ourselves with the blanket of beautiful memories that we have of him not realising when the blanket starts to shred and when we realise it is already too late and we are left in cold and pain. So I guess we just start getting immune to the coldness and it starts getting less painful for us. But for me, it was just the beginning of the countless pain I am about to go through and how to survive even in the coldest of times. So happily accepting the sacrifice I smiled at Aarav and left. I felt I was on Cloud 9 and finally all my dreams will come true. He wanted to be an actor when he grows up and I had already planned about living together in a Bungalow, me designing his clothes and accompanying him into all his shoots, Oh! What a great sweet life. Also finally I was getting my long-awaited gathering done and the fact that I am also inviting my boyfriend felt unreal, and I couldn't decide on what to wear but not my spectacles. They all were here and we decided to watch a movie first, and the one we picked was 18+ and we all were too excited. I say next to him but to shut to hold his hand and also had to abide by the rules of relationship that no one should know, even he was shocked to learn afterwards that ci haven't told anyone, he couldn't believe it but honestly I was too scared that he might break this up. Then after the movie was over we went to the Terrace and play some games where he smartly held my hand and it was too good. If someone ask me now what would be the best moment of my life, I'd exactly say this one without any doubt and freeze the moment where he has just grasped it and looked into my eyes, even though it was for a second. But when has time waited and the enchantment was over and everybody went back to their home. A good day with memories that I have eaten out waited to make for so long but I was a little disappointed because I thought he might somehow find a way to kiss me but turns out he is shyer than me and I am making the first move definitely to behave like a lady and not a desperate freak. Our relationship was going at a pace slower than a snail, like literally because we hardly used to talk in class and whenever we did he was always too shy and sometimes I did get irritated because it would only be him I would be thinking about all day, so I decided to make a pact that we would talk every day noon matter how unfavourable the situation might seem and he agreed. So every day we used to have small talks and finally with each other Goodbye. I was happy but sharing I started getting greedy and wanted more of him. Then the summer break was about to start and ib asked him whether he will be coming to class tomorrow as it is going to be the last of school. He said that he couldn't come because if he did he will get summer projects from the c teachers and he c was in no mood of doing that because he was going away for a vacation. I was sad and told him that if he does up I will do his projects and he gave a smile and said but. The next day I can't school early and started looking for him and there he was my charming prince with an unfitted shirt and loose pants sitting on the last bench and as our eyes met I smiled at him. Then we started chatting and told him to give me his project and he was like don't worry I will manage so I asked him that why did he come and he said because you asked me too. And that was enough to leave me smiling for the whole day as I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that he did something for me out of his way. What to say I am a girl of life expectations shipping down for the little affection shown by my loved ones maybe because it was more than I expected as I never really thought that I might date the most handsome boy of our grade looking like an actor in making.

But then at times, I did wonder what is the meaning of our relationships of we hardly talk and what we had made things even more awkward which started triggering a fuel inside and all it need was a little flickered of light which was graciously served by Fahad. It was that time of the year where our exam papers were distributed and we were supposed to recheck them and realise how we can go so wrong, complete 1-day torture where we were made to sit with our papers and go through it but I didn't care because these papers were not going on the hands of my parents as I will destroy our guide it before and they will only get to see my final grade which summing up everything wouldn't be so bad and I might be saved. Most of the time I had a narrow escape because of my sister who used to barely pass and you could never find her study. And even if you do manage to make her sit with her books she would go to the washroom 10 minutes later and came out just before dinner. So the exam papers were distributed by my boyfriend because somewhere even without studying and being the most Mischievous be was every teachers' favourite and they used to ask for him first. So when he was giving me my papers I asked him for his marks and he didn't say a word and instead told Fahad to not tell me his marks because he was handing over his peers to Fahad. I got so annoyed not realising that he must have done this because he was ashamed of his results called Fahad later that day and told him to ask Aarav whether he would want to keep the relationship or break apart. So the next day Fahad said that Aarav feels it is better if we don't take the relationship further because there is no point in it as we hardly do anything together or talk at all and it would be better if we start friends. I told him okay and got back to my place and doing my pending homework. Honestly, I didn't know how to react and tried but to think about anything at all and not look at Aarav for the rest of the day waiting for the class to get over so that I can rush back home. The day was finally over and I went back home has my food and with every gulp, I thought about life and about the dreams I used with him. After that, I went to the washroom to clean myself up and finally the tears were flooding out and I didn't want to stop them. I wanted to cry for as long as I can and not think about anything, wanting to be depressed and sad for a while listening to some sad music and thinking about all the reasons for why it is over and where exactly things went wrong. The next few days were burdening with sad emotions that I didn't know how to manage as nobody knew about us so it was finally time to tell Rupal everything and when I did she was annoyed that I kept her in dark for so long. Then she told me to talk to him about the fact that I still feel for him and tell him to sort things out. It seemed like a great Idea then and I couldn't resist doing that. He was doing a part-time job after school at one of the Confectionery close by and I decided to talk to him there and when I went there he was already surrounded by few juniors who seemed to be going gaga over his jokes and I interrupted by telling that I wanted to talk to him so he asked me to wait outside. I was annoyed by his priorities and when he came here seemed like a different person altogether, free from old ties waiting to unleash himself onto the new prospects that were already running towards him. So I assured him that why did he do this and he said that there was no point and it would be better we would rather stay friends. I couldn't say much and felt the coldness in him towards me so. From the next day, it was all about going to class and ignoring him as much as possible even when we all used to hang out. I tried staying the farthest to him and in a way that nobody gets a hint of what is happening because I was too ashamed of my previous episodes with him. Friction with myself was at peak juggling between trying to stay happy but feeling miserable inside, hoping to get over it as soon as possible but I was worried whether time could even heal what I am going through and will I be ever over him.