Juvenile Period: Asking the space boy what's right (+18)

Winter - December

Looking at the white notebook in front of me I kept writing a list of people.

- "Kirijima(嶋 'Jima')? Kirijima(島 'Jima')?". It's more confusing in English than in Japanese.

Leaning my back fully against the back of the chair, I look up at the ceiling. 

- "The nightmares won't stop but I've seen something weird maybe it's from hearing the meaning in English and not Japanese but these surnames are spelled differently."

Scratching my forehead I look back at my notebook.

-"So far I have only met the main characters in the ¿main character's life?, I keep asking myself this question, the names may sound very similar but my name is not spelled like the main character's."

Turning over the sheets of paper written in English were the names of different people.

-The kanji of Saeko's family are the same ones I see in my nightmares, but my name and my family's name change a lot.

-So why do I keep dreaming that?

Looking at the clock on the table it was 01:12 AM.

-"This is making me very tired, I can't sleep well either."

-I don't like sleeping anymore

Getting up from the chair I turn off the light in my room to lie down on the futon on the floor.

- "If I had to describe my dreams they are always too accurate like a movie, I can see picture after picture exactly as if it were a photo gallery."

- "Seeing my mother die, seeing Kizuna wailing, seeing Saeko abused by men and especially Masaki...."

I settle back on the futon and rest my face on the pillow.

- "I have to get that out of my head, especially the last nightmare."

- "It always starts the same way, I'm in a hotel room sitting in complete silence...."

With shaky hands I start rubbing my head.

-"...the silence is interrupted by the blast of a gun followed by the accusing resonance of a pitcher of water slowly spilling..."

-"...as I hear a man begin to cry and scream the room next to mine begins to echo more and more of a man's cries of pain..."

 - "Completely paralyzed with fear I pull the gun out of my mouth to point it at my head and hear for the last time another explosion that wakes me up..."

Staring at the ceiling of my room I cover myself completely with my blanket....

-"...shit...."

- "I'm afraid to feel my own despair."

Taking a deep breath I touch my face with both hands.

- "I should calm down there is always a way out, nothing has happened and I shouldn't tell anyone what I see either [if I say anything they would just call me sick and disgusting for imagining such situations]"

Letting out a big sigh I look at my palms.

- "It's starting to disgust me to see men abusing women, in this case it's my family that's in this situation."

- "If I become that it would be no different than how I'm taking advantage of my situation, I have the body of a young person and I have the memory of an adult, so I should be responsible for my actions [though...]."

When I hear someone open the door, I hide my face under the covers.

-*whisper* kai-chan are you awake?

Kizuna's voice sounded flat and emotionless as she heard the door open.

-*whisper* don't you mind if I sleep here?

Kizuna crawled onto my futon hugging me tightly from behind.

-*It's no problem, right?

-... "Should I say something?".... "You're here now."....

-*whisper* That's good.

Pulling my back closer against her body I could hear more footsteps at the door.

-*whisper* Kizuna-chan let your little brother sleep.

-*whisper* Grandma.

-*whisper* Oh my god.

With my eyes closed I could feel the blanket in front of me being removed to feel someone else's body heat.

-*whisper* I also wanted him all to myself.

-*whisper* grandma... it's unfair....

Listening to the flat tone of my sister and grandmother I was stuck unable to get out of my futon.

-*whisper* it's my grandson.

-*whisper* it's my little brother.

- "I always become the familiar dakimakura* every night the women in my house fall asleep like this with me."

......

Hugging my grandmother from the front I relax my face on her chest.

- "I'm the worst..."

My hands barely reaching behind her back my breathing began to regulate....

- "It's been over 20 minutes since they arrived but I was able to calm down...I'm still taking advantage of my infant appearance."

- "I liked the bad days those days when you just wanted to scream and break everything because I'm that kind of man, I'm an aggressive alcoholic, however...."

Pulling my face from his chest I look at my grandmother's face sleeping peacefully, my sister starting to hug me tighter from my back.

- "When I got home with my ex-wife I didn't yell at her, I didn't hit her I just put my stuff down and hugged her like this until I calmed down.... I liked to feel like there was someone to relax with until I got to the bedroom where I took a break so I could have dinner..."

-"...Using my grandmother in this way...I'm sure it would displease any woman other than your family...my ex-wife didn't like it so I switch to another man who is more of man 'alpha'...me..."

Nestling my face on her chest hiding my face I caressed my grandmother's back.

-"...I'm so weird and gross."

- "Maybe it's my punishment for being an atheist and getting married in church."

-*sigh* "If the voice in my head is coming from the stars I would like to ask you again, is it okay to use my family like this...can I show myself vulnerable again?"

As I feel the hands on my chest, I begin to hear the breathing in my ear.

-"Let me be selfish, for now, let me experience again if only for now".

Hearing the door open two voices could be heard sighing.

~*whispering* they beat us again.~

Hearing footsteps I feel a big hand touching my face.

- "Maybe if you judge me that voice would make me feel better, the guilt of looking and acting like a child there is no justification."

- "It only makes me equal to men who abuse women."

- "Maybe [I'm destined for that]"

**************************

POV Kirijima Kizuna

In front of me, there was a shelf with many colorful books, and I was reaching for the highest part by using a chair.

-It should be here.

-Be careful, Kizuna-chan; you might fall.

An elderly woman with wrinkles on her face, dressed in a pink sweater and a brown apron with a sun drawn on it, spoke to me with a smile.

My voice was neutral as I replied

-Shopkeeper, Don't laugh at me; I'm already 12 years old.

-Jejejeje, you have a more developed body to say that.

With a smile, the old woman watched as I descended with a book in hand.

-Putting aside the games, could you please tell me the cost of this book?

-Jojojo, young girl, you're too small to understand that book. Are you sure about taking it?

-Yes.

-The price is ¥330 yen($2.5 US)

-Than...

-Kizuna-chan, what book are you buying?

Without sensing my grandmother's presence, she appeared behind me without making any sound until she began to speak.

The saleswoman seemed scared, jumping and her smile disappearing from her face.

-Madame... how...?

-Don't call me that; we're around the same age.

-Grandma, you almost gave her a heart attack.

My grandmother didn't seem to understand my argument; she had the same expression as me, with scarlet eyes that gave her a mysterious feeling.

The saleswoman took a breath, trying to calm herself.

-The girl will buy a book by 'Maeda Matsu.'

-Kizuna-chan, those books...

-I like dramas.

My grandmother stared into my eyes.

-Besides... I want to improve my hiragana.

-Are you sure?

-Grandma, Kizuna's purchases finished?

Looking in the direction of the voice, a small-statured boy was holding my little sister Masaki's hand, and in his other hand was a girl named Saeko.

It was my little brother Kaito, wearing his elementary school uniform.

-Kai-chan, help me buy this book.

Trying to show the book's cover, Kaito turned in another direction.

-Surely it's another drama. Grandma, she's at this age, she wants to get lost in her imagination, please let her.

~She's right.~

The two girls dressed in their sailor uniforms spoke at the same time.

-*sigh* It's hard to say no to my grandchildren, so we'll take it.

The saleswoman covered her mouth with the sleeve of her sweater, looking in our direction and seeming very happy.

-All right then, Toshiie-chan, I'll give you the book for ¥150 yen ($1.1 US approximately).

-My name is Kaito.

-Don't worry about trivial things; you're a frequent customer.

My grandmother took out two coins to pay, giving a nod to detain us.

~Have a good afternoon~

Walking out of the store, I grabbed Kaito's uniform.

-What's wrong, Kizuna?

-Thanks... don't you want to know why...

-Not problem, we're always here to support each other. You know why you love dramas.

Showing me a lovely smile, my little brother walked ahead of me.

-But if you read something dangerous, I trust that you'll tell me.

-"You're so innocent, Kai-chan. Never grow up."

Feeling my face warm, I was grateful not to be able to show emotions on this occasion.

*************************

POV Saleswoman

Closing the front door of my shop, I gazed thoughtfully at the entrance.

-There goes my best...

Drool was dripping from my lips, and I began to wipe it off with the sleeve of my sweater.

-Oops, I think I got a bit too excited, but seeing a boy with such pure love is something...

The saliva on my lips started to overflow, staining my chin.

-Not, calm down. There's still...

Wiping my chin with my sweater, I halted my movements.

-And I thought I had more time in life...

-...tell me, am I too old for this period?

-Mara*, you've changed a lot.

Turning to the counter, I flashed my wrinkled smile at the mist-made cat sitting, observing me.

~Meow~

Note:

Dakimakura: A dakimakura (抱き枕) is a type of long Japanese pillow. The word is often translated as "hugging pillow."

Hiragana: Hiragana is one of the two syllabaries used in the Japanese writing system; the other is called katakana.

Mara: In Buddhism, Mara has various meanings, but here it refers to the mental defilements of each individual and is associated with a lord of illusion.