-CHAPTER 18-
It's been a couple of days, and I'm starting to feel a little more confident with the sword. I can redirect the energy in my body more easily, and target a specific spot on the dummy.
But still, I needed more. If even all these grown men are scared to venture towards Crater, then I need all the strength I can get.
Thus, I was still there swinging at a dummy.
It's lonely right now, because not only did Adir tell me to practice alone, but Naomi and Keshet left to go look for odd jobs.
Swing after swing, I tried to perfect my form. Without knowing what perfection looks like, I chase after it with all my might.
Suddenly, without warning, a growing emptiness engulfs me. I forget who I am. Just for a second, I question why I'm even doing this in the first place. But, before I could give myself an answer, Adir reappeared from the forest on the north side of the shop.
I squinted at him, straining my ears to listen to his distant shout.
He approached closer and closer, until I could finally see him clearly.
In his arms, he carried a cage, and in the cage, sat a boar.
"It's part of yer training! What are yer, a wuss? There ain't no way ye can survive out there on yer journey to Crater if yeh can't even do this!"
"Well, yeah, but… Fighting a boar at this state is a bit–"
"If ye don't think ye can do it, then take the sword and get the hell out o' my sight right now!"
Shivering, I stayed. "Good." Adir said, "Then you must be ready." Adir dropped the cage on the ground with a thunk, and began unlatching it.
"Wait, I'm not… Wait!"
The cage was unlatched, and Adir made an escape to watch my, "battle," from afar.
The boar exited it's cage, and shook itself off. It began to stretch its hind legs, as if getting ready to pounce at any moment.
I remembered 3 years ago… The boar writhed around the grass, and cracked it's neck. Arching its back, it grew larger.
Then we locked eyes. The boar's deep deep eyes were a mirror. The closer I looked at the boar's eyes, the more I saw myself.
The more I looked at myself the more I began to despise who I was. Who am I? The son of a man who did nothing for me. What am I? A coward. I've been trying to run from this boar, as if that's an option. Why am I? I am here for a man who I never even truly got to know. I'd done all this, come all this way, for an acquaintance.
The boar and I began to circle, waiting for the other to strike first. I didn't have the strength to lunge: I was scared.
Over these years, nothing had changed. I was the same cowardly kid. Back then I admitted defeat quickly, and I would now too.
In the boar's eyes, I looked at my all-bark-no-bite self. What does your dream mean if you can't even take one step towards it?
No, that's not right. I was willing to take the step, but from the angle I was at, the gap seemed larger than it actually was.
"So what is holding me back?" I thought, "If I'm right, then Adir wants me to kill the boar. But is that right? Is it okay for me to kill it? By killing it, am I playing G-d?"
All these questions ran through my head. I had narrowed it down. The gap seemed all the more realistic now. I was scared to kill.
The boar began spitting to the ground, and snarling at me. It was getting tired of waiting. If I didn't strike, the boar would strike first.
But I couldn't take the step.
Why?
Why am I so afraid of this?
"Lavi… You disgust me!"
"Keshet?" I thought to myself, "That's what you said to me back in Red…" I paused to gather my thoughts, "And you're right. This cowardice, this obstacle of fear… It's repulsive. To all those who look at me, my disgusting fear turns them away.
To achieve my dream I have to shed this fear."
I steadied my stance, and began to breathe.
I took one more deep look into myself. I gazed at myself, and decided to take the leap into the future.
Finally tired of waiting, the boar charged at me.
With a powerful lunge at just the right moment, I took a swing. With all my heart, all my soul, and all my mind, I killed my old self.
In a fraction of a second, one of us stood above the other.
And the one who stood–
was me.